everything hit me today
peggypeggy
Member Posts: 111
LAST NIGHT I WOKE UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT CRYING AND I WAS SLEEPING I JUST LOST IT .I WENT FROM BEING HEALTHY TO HAVING CANCER ,SURGERY AND NOW RADIATION,AND ALL THESE DRS VISITS RESEARCH ETC I HAVE REALLY TRIED TO BE STRONG MY SON WAS DIAGNOSED WIT AUTISIM WHEN HE WAS 2 HE IS 21 AND GOING TO COLLEGE I PUT EVERYTHING I HAD TO MAKE SURE HE WAS THE BEST HE COULD BE I WORKED AROUNF THE CLOCK WIT HIM AND IM SO PROUD OF HIM I AM THE BABY OF 5 CHILDREN MY DAD PASSED AWAY RECETY AND I PROMISED I WOULD TAKE CARE OF FAMILY MY MOM FELL I TOOK CARE OF HER MY BROTHERS AND SISITERS ALWAS NEED MONEY FOR FOOD HOUSE PAYMENTS ETC I HAVE CANCER AND NOW THAT DRS GOT ALL AND I NEDD RADIATION 2 TIMES A DAY FOR 1 WEEK THYE SAY THE WORST IS OVER PEG INEED THIS I NEED THAT BUT FOR ME THE WORST IS JUST BEGINNING I FEEL IM SO STRONG FOR EV1 THE BIG CAREGIVER AND DONT UNDERSTAND WHY I CANT BE THAT WAY FOR MYSELF I DONT UNDERSTAND MY EMOTIONS WHY I HAVE A HARD TIME LOOKING AT MY BREAST MY HUBY CHECKS DAILY HE SAYS IT WILL ALWAYS BE BEAUTIFUL ITS WHATS INSIDE I LOVE HIM FOR THAT BUT MY MIND SAYS DIFFERENT WHEN I WAKE UP EVERYTHING FINE UNTILL I GET DRESSED BEEN A MONTH SINCE SURGERY AND BREAST STILLS HAS SCABS ETC IM TRYING SO HARD TO BE STONG AND LAST NIGHT I LOST IT HAS ANYONE FELT LIKE THIS OR DO I NEED HELP GOD BLESS YOU ALL LUV PEGGY
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Comments
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peggy,
what you are describing is sooo normal, and even healthy, though it surely doesn't seem that way now, I know.
No one can be everything to everybody indefinitely without reaching a breaking point sooner or later. You are on overload and the tears were like an escape valve on a pressure cooker for you. That is why it was healthy for you to do this, even though it must have felt to you as if you were 'loosing it' at the time. Actually, you were 'finding it' in that you were coping by letting off steam.
It may happen again. Get to a private place if you need to, and just let the tears come. Lord knows we have all been there, and probably will again. I can't stress enough how normal this is. Only if you find that your emotions are beyond your control to the point you can not function in your daily life do you need to think about help or counseling or such. You will know when you are to that point, if in fact, it ever goes that far for you. But most probably you are going to find that the stress relief is a good thing and beneficial to your emotional well-being.
God bless.0 -
Peggy, I am so sorry you are
Peggy, I am so sorry you are feeling like this... I don't know what to say other than I can relate to what you are going through and I am sure many, many, of us here can... Please try to be kind to yourself and allow yourself the feelings that come... If you feel like you need someone to talk to and the support here isn't enough... (which isn't a bad thing) then find a counselor that you feel comfortable talking to... I will be keeping you in my thoughts and hoping that you start feeling better soon!
Hugs to you my friend...
~T0 -
zahalenezahalene said:peggy,
what you are describing is sooo normal, and even healthy, though it surely doesn't seem that way now, I know.
No one can be everything to everybody indefinitely without reaching a breaking point sooner or later. You are on overload and the tears were like an escape valve on a pressure cooker for you. That is why it was healthy for you to do this, even though it must have felt to you as if you were 'loosing it' at the time. Actually, you were 'finding it' in that you were coping by letting off steam.
It may happen again. Get to a private place if you need to, and just let the tears come. Lord knows we have all been there, and probably will again. I can't stress enough how normal this is. Only if you find that your emotions are beyond your control to the point you can not function in your daily life do you need to think about help or counseling or such. You will know when you are to that point, if in fact, it ever goes that far for you. But most probably you are going to find that the stress relief is a good thing and beneficial to your emotional well-being.
God bless.
GOD BLESS YOU TY S MUCH FOR KIND WORDS HOPE YOU ARE OKAY WHAT KIND DO YOU HAVE IF I MAY ASK
AT LEAST THIS IS NORMAL THOUGHT I WAS LOSING MIND TY AGAI PEGGY0 -
taleenataleena said:Peggy, I am so sorry you are
Peggy, I am so sorry you are feeling like this... I don't know what to say other than I can relate to what you are going through and I am sure many, many, of us here can... Please try to be kind to yourself and allow yourself the feelings that come... If you feel like you need someone to talk to and the support here isn't enough... (which isn't a bad thing) then find a counselor that you feel comfortable talking to... I will be keeping you in my thoughts and hoping that you start feeling better soon!
Hugs to you my friend...
~T
TY SO MUCH FOR KIND WORDS GOD BLESS HOPE YOU ARE OKAY ARE YOU DOING WELL IF I MAY ASK LUV PEGGY0 -
You are most welcome, peggy.peggypeggy said:zahalene
GOD BLESS YOU TY S MUCH FOR KIND WORDS HOPE YOU ARE OKAY WHAT KIND DO YOU HAVE IF I MAY ASK
AT LEAST THIS IS NORMAL THOUGHT I WAS LOSING MIND TY AGAI PEGGY
If you hang around these boards very long, you will find that I have an opinion about EVERYTHING, and seldom hesitate to speak it! LOL
Seriously, I had breast cancer twice, in 1986 and 1988, and then a bone cancer diagnosis in 1996. I am doing well now. I was 38 when it all began with 2 young children and a non-supportive husband (3rd child). I turned 61 this summer, so you can see that I have been dealing with 'stuff' (including a divorce from said husband) for awhile. And, oh the stories I could tell you about some of MY meltdowns! But we won't go there.
Just feel secure in the knowledge that all of us here 'get it' and we are here whenever you need us.
God bless.0 -
PEGGY
I'm sorry that you are going through this rough time. I think we all experience this very often. You are such a strong person to try and help so many others as well as dealing with your own issues. Take some time for yourself and put yourself first once in awhile. The other family members should understand!! Hugs Diane:)0 -
Sweetie~ to one degree or
Sweetie~ to one degree or another, I think it is fair to say that we ALL have felt the way you do! BC is such an assault on our bodies, and the emotional toll is sometimes worse than the pysical. It does settle dowm; especially if you trust your medical team, and know just how many people love you and are with you NO MATTER WHAT!
We welcome you to our family of strong, supportive warrior survivors! Between your husband and family and your doctors, and yes! even us...you will do fine!
Hugs,
Claudia0 -
:-(
Peggy it is very normal to have all these emotions you have been through a lot both physically and mentally and you have every right to cry and release some of the stress. It sounds like you have a good man by your side which is truly a gift, he is right Peggy you are still you and are still of great value the loss of some of your breast does not less who you are. If you have not yet done so please tell your oncologist how you are feeling as they can give you meds to help to ease the stress levels you are having. Trust me there are happier days ahead!
Hugs,
RE0 -
being strong for ourselves is sometimes hardest
Dear Peggy,
It's hard to put into words what a hug or a face-to-face interaction can do sometimes so much better, but I'll try.
You seem to have done so much for everyone else in your family, so you are, obviously, someone who can deal with unwelcome and difficult issues. Sometimes when you are coping with others' problems, you still have a sense of control. You are still outside the issue and can observe the effect of your strength on the outcome of the situation at hand.
When you're in the middle of the issue, however, you cannot be outside looking in. You are wrapped up inside. You are the nucleus of the activity; sometimes that is the worst part of going through this stuff. You want to be objective, you want to be brave, you want to be strong and you want, more than anything, to conquer this mighty foe. Yet, at times you feel nothing of those things. I have had nights where I thought I would lose my mind though during the day I look like the happiest of campers. I have had night terrors and moments where I doubted I could go through this. I couldn't believe I could feel like that because I have always been strong, physically and emotionally.
It is part of this stupid cancer. It is insidious in ways beyond the physical. I think we have to keep a barometer of how we are coping so we can know when we need a little boost from our buddies in pink, from our family or friends or caregiver or life partner, or from our oncologist or therapist. It's a good idea to let your oncology doctor know how you're doing because it has a huge impact on your overall coping with treatment. Plus, s/he can prescribe something for you as necessary to help you through these difficult moments/hours/days . . . your doctor or therapist will be able to help you through this. Be sure to seek their help. The most important thing is to recognize that this is a symptom of the disease and something that needs to be treated with appropriate remedies; do NOT keep this to yourself. Talk to your supportive husband and to your oncologist. Sometimes it will go away, but sometimes it can linger; you don't want that negative impact when you're fighting this battle.
Let us hear from you again so we know how you're doing.
Hugs,
Donna0 -
Hi Peggy
I think everyone here has said it all...I just want you to know that I was diagnosed in April and held everything together until mid June before I actually fell apart. Then it was one meltdown after another and I finally went on antidepressants and antianxiety meds which really did help. I think it actually took a whole month before I let myself truly believe that I had cancer. You need to know that crying is really a good way to let off stress, but when you cant get thru your life you may need meds to help for a while.
THe other thing is this...I am a nurse and was used to being in control of everything...working, taking care of patients, family and I had a hard time accepting the fact that this period of time I had to let go of that. This time is for you now...and eventually you will get thru this and then can go back to helping your family but now this is your time. YOu need to be really good to yourself, nap when you need to, relax and rest, exercise when you can.
And most of all, know that everyone here is truly here for you...no matter what time of day, whenever you need to vent, someone is always here
Hugs
Linda T0 -
I Feel For Ya
Peg,
I feel for ya. I had my melt down after all the surgeries had been completed and the cancer had been dug out of me. It was at that time, I was informed I needed chemo. This wasn't in the plan originally. I lost it in the Doc's office. He sent his nurse to console me. I felt like you do. How am I going to take care of my mom, my family, and work and pay the bills? I was overwhelmed. But I found this website to help me through the rough times. I explained to my family what I needed from them at this time. I accepted help from friends which I have never done. I have always been a lone wolf. And I made up my mind I was going to go on with my life and not let this thing get the best of me. It is hard to do sometimes when you are sick, tired, or dealing with a new side effect but you can do it. You have to. It's either do that or quit and I am not ready to quit.
Your husband sounds like a wonderful man and that he really loves you. You will view your scars and breast when you are ready. I did not look at my war wounds for a while. I had the same questions, "Does this look normal?" "Does this look the same as my other breast." "Will another man look at me as a whole woman again." As time went by, I got used to my body - it is a part of me now. It is a reminder of what I have been through and what I have overcome. It's like my Purple Heart.
Thing is, I need to accept me. If I am OK with me others will be OK with me. If they are not; then that is there loss.
Take care.
P0 -
Peggy, I am sorry you are
Peggy, I am sorry you are feeling so down. I understand your stress and despair. You have been through a huge shock and a very difficult experience. It takes time to heal. I am currently seeing a therapist to sort out my emotions and fears that I have been ecperiencing since treatment. Don't be afraid to get help if you feel you need it. Hang in there, we are here for you.0 -
PeggyEil4186 said:Peggy, I am sorry you are
Peggy, I am sorry you are feeling so down. I understand your stress and despair. You have been through a huge shock and a very difficult experience. It takes time to heal. I am currently seeing a therapist to sort out my emotions and fears that I have been ecperiencing since treatment. Don't be afraid to get help if you feel you need it. Hang in there, we are here for you.
I know exactly how you feel. I have been a single mom for 10 years and have always been the strong one and taken care of all there needs. When i was diagnosed, i stayed strong and kept telling myself that i wouldnt break and i had to stay strong. After i had my first chemo treatment recently i finally broke. I cried alot, felt numb, couldnt function was so depressed. You have to take time and take care of you some time. Especially right now. I had a double mastectomy and feel very unatractive and abnormal, but i know that its not going to be forever. Its totally normal to have the feelings you are having you need to grieve. Its important to take care of yourself, especially at a time like this. Take care
laura0 -
everything hit me todaylolad said:Peggy
I know exactly how you feel. I have been a single mom for 10 years and have always been the strong one and taken care of all there needs. When i was diagnosed, i stayed strong and kept telling myself that i wouldnt break and i had to stay strong. After i had my first chemo treatment recently i finally broke. I cried alot, felt numb, couldnt function was so depressed. You have to take time and take care of you some time. Especially right now. I had a double mastectomy and feel very unatractive and abnormal, but i know that its not going to be forever. Its totally normal to have the feelings you are having you need to grieve. Its important to take care of yourself, especially at a time like this. Take care
laura
I am having a hard time also. I will have my 2nd chemo treatment on Thursday and will lose my hair this week I'm sure.
I am so dreading it. I don't know if I will be able to handle it. I am trying to work and I know this will probably have an affect on my job.0 -
I am so sorry Lakegirl. ILakegirl said:everything hit me today
I am having a hard time also. I will have my 2nd chemo treatment on Thursday and will lose my hair this week I'm sure.
I am so dreading it. I don't know if I will be able to handle it. I am trying to work and I know this will probably have an affect on my job.
I am so sorry Lakegirl. I wish there was something I could write to make you feel better. Just know that we are all here to support you, and, that many others have been there and made it thru it. You will too! We will help you.0 -
overwhelmed
It is impossible NOT to feel that way at some point. You are the one who has always taken care of everyone and now you need to think about yourself. Yes, it is difficult but it is a good thing to cry sometimes. I hope you know what a wonderful woman you are!0 -
Your hair...Lakegirl said:everything hit me today
I am having a hard time also. I will have my 2nd chemo treatment on Thursday and will lose my hair this week I'm sure.
I am so dreading it. I don't know if I will be able to handle it. I am trying to work and I know this will probably have an affect on my job.
I know the fear that you are feeling, but I'm here to tell you that once your treatments are over, hair does grow back. This is my picture, taken a few days ago. I finished chemo on April 19, 2008. By August, 2008, I had a cute crew cut. Now I'm back to my original hair style - all my hair is back -- even the gray. So please, please please, hang in there. In the meantime, you may want to ask others on this site if they shaved their heads or just let it fall out naturally (or unnaturally). I shaved my head and wore caps and scarves throughout treatment. I had a wig, which I really liked, but it drove me nuts and I could only wear it for a few hours at a time. You'll do just fine. Check with the other gals about their experiences. I'm sure they'll give you the encouragement that you need. Hugs, Marilynn0 -
Peggy -- You are carrying the weight of the world on your
sholders. OMG !!!! The enormous responsibilities that you are carrying, would make any strong women, crumble into very small pieces.
Cut yourself some type of break, you made a promised to Dad before you knew your world was going to turn upside down. Silbing might have to learn to stand one their own. Hard sell, I know .. try taking ... baby steps. If you are crying in your sleep, maybe sub-consciously your mind and body are staying .. enough.. I need to take care of me, now I am not a MFCC counselor, however, I play one @ home.
You R strong, and you R taking care of yourself .. It's time to rely on others .. SISTERS in PINK. We are Care givers to each other .. 24 hours a day .. 7 days a week .. I consider, each and every posting on this site .. care giving. Drink up the love and support.
Your husband sounds like a wonderful caring man. He LOVES you just the way you are. Breasts or no Breasts. ( my double mac'tmy pending ).
This sites provides very a wealth of knowledge ....
I am waiting for my 2nd opinion//with bc specialist ... I have no doubt, that I too will experience many melt downs. However, while I awaiting tomorrow's appointment .. i continue to float on the river of denial .. hoping and praying for you all.
Prayers and Hugs,
Vicki Sam0 -
Lakergirl .. I am so sorry about the dread ...Lakegirl said:everything hit me today
I am having a hard time also. I will have my 2nd chemo treatment on Thursday and will lose my hair this week I'm sure.
I am so dreading it. I don't know if I will be able to handle it. I am trying to work and I know this will probably have an affect on my job.
Dread is now part of our everyday life. I live in Corona, CA, and I can met with you anytime, depending on traffic.
I've been looking on websites for human hair wigs .. OMG .. the prices are CRAZY high.
If you would like to shop for for scarf's, wigs .. or have a good cry ... LET me know.
Vicki Sam0 -
Peggy
I am so sorry you are feeling this way. Reading through the posts, everything has been covered. I too cried alone in my room at night, and smiled and joked throughout the daylight hours. I can't believe in a few short weeks it will be one year that I was diagnosed. I finished chemo in the beginning of March, and Rads the beginning of June. My hair is growing back, and has reached the point where I can feel the wind blowing it a bit. Its even starting to look a bit straggly in spots. I have my first mammo next month since dx and am petrified there will be something there or on the other side. If flopsy got it, is mopsy next? I don't think the fear ever leaves, its just learning to live with it is hard. Thank God I have friends who have been through this and are such a big help to me. (Not thank God they had BC - I wish they hadn't.) Yesterday I went shopping and tried on a pretty scoop neck blouse. It showed the scar from the port and the discoloration of where the port line went up to my neck. I took it off and picked out a higher necked shirt. My friend said not to be ashamed of it, and I'm not. I just don't want to put it out there for the world to see. Its mine. People can tell you how strong you are, and how well you are handling the beast, but only you know how you really feel. It sounds like you have a wonderful husband, and that is a HUGE plus! Take good care of yourself and I will keep you in my prayers.
Pat0
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