Co-Caregiver in Denial

SonSon
SonSon Member Posts: 174
edited March 2014 in Caregivers #1
My mother-in-law went to the hospital with breathing problems. I expected it would be because of fluid in the lungs (pneumonia) and there is fluid - but the doctor said it is likely the cancer crowding her lungs and making it difficult for her to breath.
Doctor suggested to take her home and help her to be comfortable and that there is nothing more that can be done.
My husband asks if she can get chemo or surgery or - or - or....
She is in a lot of pain. It is all over - lymph nodes, lungs, bones, liver... We cut out half of her to remove (try) the cancer would she even survive it, and if so, what quality of life???
I wish he would think more about what is best for her and not for him. He is not ready to allow her to finish life comfortably. She is absolutely miserable.
I know - this is not really a question of any type. Just need someone to say it to.
Fatima

Comments

  • sue Siwek
    sue Siwek Member Posts: 279
    #2
    what is it that your
    what is it that your mother-in-law wants? she is the one that gets to choose.
  • newbride
    newbride Member Posts: 142
    #3
    It's hard
    I can see where your husband is coming from. We always want to feel like life never ends. It's hard to accept the fact that there just might not be anything more that can be done. I know that if and when they say there is nothing more for my husband I know I will feel as your husbands does right now, but I'm sure in his heart although he might not be able to say it he knows he will need to accept it. Accepting the fact that there is nothing more the doctors can do even with all of modern medicine is the hardest part for all of us. I do find however that when my husband talks to me and tells me what he wants when they say there is nothing much helps me to accept it better - has your mother in law actually spoke to her son and told him her wishes? Good Luck.
  • akbetty
    akbetty Member Posts: 38
    #4
    newbride said:

    It's hard
    I can see where your husband is coming from. We always want to feel like life never ends. It's hard to accept the fact that there just might not be anything more that can be done. I know that if and when they say there is nothing more for my husband I know I will feel as your husbands does right now, but I'm sure in his heart although he might not be able to say it he knows he will need to accept it. Accepting the fact that there is nothing more the doctors can do even with all of modern medicine is the hardest part for all of us. I do find however that when my husband talks to me and tells me what he wants when they say there is nothing much helps me to accept it better - has your mother in law actually spoke to her son and told him her wishes? Good Luck.

    Give it time
    Perhaps with time and with your help your husband will begin to accept his mother's situation. I think that's the hardest part about facing the end stages--knowing when to hang on, and knowing when to let go. I am definately not ready to let go, but I know I will have to eventually. You are in a tough situation, Fatima. I'll be thinking of you.
  • SonSon
    SonSon Member Posts: 174
    #5
    akbetty said:

    Give it time
    Perhaps with time and with your help your husband will begin to accept his mother's situation. I think that's the hardest part about facing the end stages--knowing when to hang on, and knowing when to let go. I am definately not ready to let go, but I know I will have to eventually. You are in a tough situation, Fatima. I'll be thinking of you.

    Thanks for kind words...
    Thanks for all your kind words.
    I am sitting in the hospital room with her now (yes, I brought my laptop!).
    She does not know she even has cancer. The family decided that the best way to give her hope is to let her believe that they got it all when they did the mastectomy (one side).
    I have had some discussions with her especially when she is very tired and very miserable and she told me that she only has one year left (this surprised me as that was not the target of the conversation I was trying to have with her at the time).
    Many people say that a person just knows. While her son does not openly acknowledge her cancer, her decline and the inevitable (and oh too soon) death, she seems to know.
    I would love to just come right out and say "Mommi - what do YOU want regarding...." but that'd be letting the cat of the bag and that's not my place.
    She took care of her husband when he had Parkinson's and she had doctors visit him at home twice a day to administer IV's and give him medicine, etc (in Egypt they do this regularly). He was not rushed to the hospital, CPR and all the other actions for lifesaving. He died peacefully at home. So, from this, I would think she expects about the same. I don't know about the doctors coming home - but maybe we can get a nurse out.
    One really good thing that came out of mother-in-law being admitted to the hospital yesterday was that she will be seen by a medical oncologist that we were referred to by the radiation oncologist. If I called we may not have gotten in for a couple weeks. We should see him here tomorrow. I am sure you guys are all asking, "what? she saw radiation oncologist and does not have a medical oncologist???"... We started with a medical oncologist at the same time as the radiation oncologist - but we fired the medical oncologist. Long story and lots of dirt... another post.
    Another really good thing about her being here is that she is the most pain free that I have seen her in a long time. Sleepy - but pain free.
    I think I will remind my husband of his mother's care of her husband and see if that is something he can live with.

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