The ANSWER Has Finally Arrived - A Sundance Update (CRAIG)

Good Evenin’ Dear Semi Colons;

Well, I must tell you, it was a real whirlwind of “activity” last week on the Board. You could just feel the “buzz” of life going on around us as several of us had tests and scan results that were happening. Sheri/luv3jay started things off with her VATS surgery last week and I hope she is ok. And for scans and follow up appointments, it was me, Eric, and Jennie, stepping up to bat. And it was such wonderful news to hear about their success stories last week!

I tell you what I found even more amazing – that several of you guys made notes of our times and dates of our tests and appointments and opened up posts so everybody could join the forum and post their thoughts. It was truly a beautiful thing! Such thoughtful and caring people taking the time out of their days, with all that each of you have going on as well, and then still be concerned about me and everyone else too – well it’s just simply the most wonderful people I have “never” met – actually ever met!

I wanted to send out a special THANK YOU to Donnare, who opened a post to me – both Donnas and all the other “women” in my life surprised me so much with some of the most beautifully written words to me that I’ve ever “heard” in my life. As I’ve said before, I’m not used to such kindness and thoughtfulness from people, and you ladies really picked me up that afternoon. It was so emotional and heartwarming to me to read those beautiful posts. Thank you so much to each of you and you really made a difference for me.

I was at the tail end of the group (no pun intended) last week as my consultation with my oncologist to go over those very long awaited test results was on Friday.

The whole Semi Colon; family was in high gear and high spirits with the news that Eric and Jennie told us about from their onc visits.

Everyone was buzzing so hard and feeling so good, that it just made me feel so good to see everyone inspired and moved by the success stories of two of our beloved family members, that I did not want to be the one to bring everyone down.

I just could not rain on Eric’s and Jennie’s parade on Friday – I wanted them so much to “have their day in the sun” and rejoice in their victories. I was afraid to “pop their bubble” and ruin an otherwise wonderful day in the world of the Board. So I stayed quiet on my test results.

I just did not want to be the One who did not deliver the good news that we all wanted to hear. Lisa’s post was so enthusiastic and was the last one I’d read and I felt the joy in her heart through her post - that it convinced me right then and there, that I would just do this another day.

And the day has now come. Have you got another minute? I would like to talk some more with you. I’ll give you a minute to go to the restroom and get something to drink.

Ok, where were we…ah yes I remember now…

It has taken about 3 months now to get all of this madness hammered out and sorted though to finally get an ANSWER to what I have already known since the beginning – since before joining the Board back on June 9th.

Well, the Hammer finally fell again on Friday morning. I’m at a new hospital now with a new oncologist, who seems really dialed in to the program. The results of my CT scan are that the tumor in my pleura of my right lung has grown some more since the last CT and PET scan this May. The PET revealed significant uptake value to that tumor area in May also. Combined with last week’s scan revealing growth – and you guessed it – all current evidence points to Cancer again for me – the 3rd time I’ve been diagnosed in just over 5 years and 3 months.

Now that you have absorbed that – let me just say that I am OK and doin’ fine.

I am “As Right as the Rain.” Val Kilmer used that line in the movie, Tombstone, just before he passed out But really, I am OK.

I was actually smiling, laughing and joking with everybody and with the onc after he gave me the news. I knew it was coming – but I never blinked – it’s hard to scare me. My blood pressure that morning was 92/61….I asked the nurse to put a mirror under my nose to see if I was breathing

I was actually very calm – I was able to talk intelligently and technical with the onc and he could tell that I was not born yesterday – I do know the buzzwords and I do my homework on treatments and surgery. I was prepared for my visit and ready to hear the news that I knew was coming.

We even talked about post-op surgery plans – bad news there too – CHEMO AGAIN, if the biopsy during surgery confirms malignancy. More than likely back to Folfox, with a possible switch to Folfiri – it will be back to the 5fu pump too. My body is so battered and beat up from last year’s Chemo Wars and my platelets have been severely compromised, that I don’t know how we are going to be able to get my body to respond to more chemo, but we’ll cross that bridge when we get there.

I had to get my diagnosis and then go to work, had an out of town vendor to take care of, so the day passed and I kept my cool and acted like a professional. Friday night though, the excitement had worn off and I was emotionally tired and went to bed early – all the life drained out of me….I had to be so up for the visit and this moment had been building for months – and then when it was over, the Letdown – and the reality came to me, but I’ll be OK.

I’m at a different point in My Journey now – I like to joke with Phil about us being “Ol’ Timers.” Phil and I have been hard at this for a similar length of time – well past the 5 year mark in our personal battle with The Devil. That’s quite a long time to be “actively” battling Cancer, but we are both living proof that you too can live a life with Cancer for a very long time.

As a Stage IV myself, I do not plan on checking out just yet. I’ve turned the Grim Reaper away many times. Already, I am 8 month past what the doctors said I would be living – they told me 2 days after Christmas 2007, that it was “highly unlikely” that I would live to see Christmas Day 2008 – well its August 2009 and I’m still here.

I will tell you all honestly though – As a 5+ year veteran of the battle - I’m Tired, folks.

I will also tell you that the Fears and Concerns never go away – not going to go away – will always be there for each of us. Just wanted the newbies to know that even the old veterans still have the same fears and worries just like you. You want to get well, don’t you? Well, Me too.

That being said, My Mind is Right – To Fight! And fight on I will – I will have so much to share with you before the big day comes and afterwards…

I’m sorry this post is so long – Thank You for staying with me - I’m a long winded S O B as you all know by now

I can’t ever tell a story quickly….I have to “paint with words.” I just had a lot to tell you tonight – it’s been running through my mind since Friday morning. I know that some of you were waiting on an update from me, so I wanted to collect my thoughts and wait for the right time to tell you what had happened to me.

I cannot close this post without first addressing the recent losses to our Semi Colon family last week. I personally did not have the privilege to know any of them, but I was still saddened that they had each lost their battle.

We are all brothers and sisters in our Cancer battles My sincerest condolences to your families on the loss of your loved ones – know that they were special people who fought bravely and courageously and inspired many people that they met and did not meet.

I also want to express my sympathy to the many long time people on the board who did know these people and had a relationship with them. That has to be especially difficult for you guys too because these are people, who you knew and cared about, so I am very sorry for their loss to each of you.

It is a sobering reminder to us all that we may not always win our battle against Cancer – it is very real – and certainly not a game. We’re playing for keeps here.

Which brings me back to: The Cancer does not define us, but HOW we Live and Fight with Cancer DOES define who we are.

No matter what happens to any of us, we are all Winners and I’ve never known anybody more beautiful, loving and supportive than you guys are! You are all my inspiration and I thank God for each of you every day!

I don’t know what I’d do now without you – don’t know what I did before you! That means you too, CareGivers! Give yourself a round of applause – you are the best! The crème de la crème

I’m not sure if you can understand what you really mean to me and I’m not just saying that.
I'm a man that says what I mean - and I mean what I say. My feelings for each of you are very strong – very strong. I think about each of you all the time and I want to tell you again, that I sincerely care about you and your lives. You each matter to me very much!

I’ve talked the talk and now it’s time again for me to Walk the Walk – gotta’ take my turn in the barrel again. I’ve gotta’ pull my end of the load as they say. Gotta’ tug on my end of the rope. Ok, so much for the analogies Bottom Line – I just gotta’ Do It!

To all the Newly Diagnosed, you can do this….I hope that you don’t have to fight as many years as I’ve had to, but if it comes to that, then you can see from me and my story, that this is DOABLE – and I think I will still win

And I know you can right along there with me! I like to use the old fable of the Tortoise and the Hare – the race is NOT always won by the swiftest! Steady even paces will get you to the finish line and home to victory too! Never give in and never give up! Say it again! Louder this time, I didn’t hear you! OK, I heard you then.:)

What a wonderful family and beautiful community we all live in out in Our World. You have all been so very good to me and I thank you for your love, support, and your friendship.

The Board is full of so many beautiful and inspirational people, who live here. Here I was thinking that I wanted to try and help you – but it’s YOU, who has helped me – an unexpected blessing that I never expected to receive. I will never forget any of you – you have touched my life in so many ways – too many ways to count.

Lisa – sorry I did not have the news you wanted to hear – thank you for your post – and I believe that God “does have me covered” as you said in your post. I’m going to believe that he does.

I’m still New to the Board BUT not new to Cancer We’re gonna’ get this DONE!

I’ll see all of you guys and girls in NEDSville – somebody leave a light on for me – I’m runnin’ a little bit late:) But, I’m comin’! The Good Lord Willin’ and the Creeks Don’t Rise, that is.

Buzzard, leave me a plate of those beans that you like so much, I’ll be hungry when I get there

I love you GUYS OK, now I’m outta’ here.

God Bless You and May All Our Hopes & Dreams All Come True!

Sincerely - Your friend
-Craig