My friends...

I made a couple of posts tonight and hope to be back in the saddle soon. I spent most of my evening writing my mom a long email. In part, it was meant for my father-if he chooses to listen. If he doesn't, I hope I will be okay with that...I came to the realization that I need choose to make the right choices. I think I understand why I crashed so hard-it came to me after a week of drugged sleep and compulsive cleaning. Like all of us, I have something that is my greatest challenge-cancer. Unlike my divorce or my car accident, I can't really set this on a back burner somewhere and simply move on with my life because cancer will always be a part of my life. I can to choose to live with it and not let it rule my life, or I can choose to be broken down by it when expectations I have set for myself or others are not realized.

I decided, also, my father is soon to be 90 years old and, during his lifetime he has done much for which I should be proud and respect him for it. He is a WWII hero and he volunteered to fight in a war that allowed us to live in freedom for the past 60+ years. He also provided for his family and sent all three of his kids to college. In spite of all that went wrong with our relationship, today I realized that I should be thankful for the good things that he did. I also realized that I need counseling, so that I can move on--past the hurt. I hope that I won't forget to tell my therapist that, underneath, my father is a good man, that I sincerely feel sorry for him, and that I did not intend for him to be hurt.

Today, as I was reading to my husband (you know he is deafblind) about consultation, I realized that it is for each of us to decide how we lead our lives. I read that consultation is the foundation of unity and without it, even if you agree on the wrong decision, it's better than disagreeing. If you agree on the wrong decision you may, in time, be able to arrive at the right decision. I failed to allow the opportunity for consultation to happen between my father and me. We may not have been successful, but I should have opened the door for the possibility. That should have been my individual choice and, then, he could have made his own choice.

Life is tough enough, then we are thrown this thing called "cancer" and we are no longer considered people living out life's drama, but we called "survivors". I never wanted to be anything but a person living life the best I can, I never wanted to be looked upon as a survivor, because others might view me for more than I really am and I don't want to have to try and meet their expectations for fear that I would probably fail. I didn't ask for this, none of did, but now life means something totally different than it did the day before my dx. I don't know about you, but before I had cancer, I thought I knew everything there was know about life and its challenges. I thought I was pretty smart about dealing with whatever came my way. Boy, was I wrong. I know now, that I am very human, very mortal, and whether I have 3 months or 15 years, I better make them the best dang days ever.

Tmr, I get another blood draw because my last three CA counts were high. I'm trying not think about it, sort of like not trying to think about that infamous pink elephant.

Love you all...thanks for being here for me.

dmc