Just Lost Her

xKatehx
xKatehx Member Posts: 4
edited March 2014 in Surviving Caregivers #1
We just recently lost my mother Barbara to Lung Cancer last Friday. She was 54 years old.

We had gotten the news that cancer cells were found in her pleura after being given the clear in June, so however it hit her, it hit her fast. She was sick with an infection as well, so it was a combination of things. We buried her this morning, two spots away from my aunt who passed away before I was born, she had Melanoma that spread to the brain.

I don't know if I'm still in shock or if something's wrong with me, because I'm not crying. Everyone is so worried about me and everyone thinks I'm just trying to hold it in, but it's not that at all. I have my moments and I let myself cry then, as they're in private and with special memories. But everyone thinks that because I'm not crying in public, that I'm not grieving.

I don't know if it was the one night I was sitting by her bed in the hospital holding her hand and singing the lullaby she sang to me as a baby, the last night I saw her. I felt absolutely horrible that I didn't stay like everyone else, I had to leave the hospital. I couldn't touch blankets, I couldn't even sit in the dang chair because I was being continuously traumatized by the machines and the whole aura of the hospital. I felt like I was leaving her and she wouldn't have both of her daughters with her when she went. I was the only one that left, and it stayed like that until Friday when it was finally over.

I was telling my cousin that same Wednesday night that I can't remember anything good with her right now. All I could see was the morphine drip attached to her, her sleeping in her bed with her mouth open and having labored breathing, opening her eyes for maybe moments and just looking at you before going right back out again. I can't see her long hair before the chemo took it all off, I look at pictures and I can't even fathom that she ever had long hair. I don't remember anything from school, from my camp, anything. All I see is Cancer and it's ripping me apart inside. I feel like a total piece of crap because the only thing I can remember is the the lullaby. Cancer took away every other good memory of her and I'm scared I won't ever get them back.

Comments

  • christylou
    christylou Member Posts: 8 Member
    #2
    So sorry for your loss
    I lost my dad almost 5 months ago and I was a lot like you are. I was with him every day from when he found out until the end. But the last few days, I didn't even go to his house to see him bc it was too hard. I did go the day he died, but I was not in the room when he went. I was haunted by the memories of my dad looking like a skeleton and not being able to talk or eat for weeks. I couldn't remember anything good. And i could NOT look at pictures of him. I still feel sick when I do. I didn't cry much... in fact, I was in kind of a good mood at his funeral. I was happy to see a lot of people who I hadn't seen in a while and I thought that I was just at peace about his passing. In my mind I said that I was glad he was not suffering anymore and that is why I was not crying a lot.

    But the sadness just came slowly. It never hit me all at once. As time went by, I had more and more memories of good times and less memories of the torture he went thru at the hospital. Now, only 5 months later, I rarely think of him as he was when he was sick. Now i have the good memories back. I got extremely angry for a couple of months. I snapped at everyone and I was so mad that I didn't leave my house unless I had to. I didn't know what was wrong with me and thought that I needed to go to a psychiatrist. Everyone just grieves differently. Now, the anger is gone and I am just sad. I do cry now a couple of times a day for a few minutes, but still not like for hours or anything like that. I am still in shock, though. sometimes at night I just can not believe that he is gone and it makes me feel so sick.

    So, just give yourself time. When the sadness does come, just let yourself cry and feel whatever you need to feel. No two people greive the same way. It may just be too much for you to feel all at once.

    I'm so sorry about your mom. She was very young. My dad was only 60. I hope that you can get thru this and get your happy memories back.
  • whoaminow
    whoaminow Member Posts: 5
    #3
    lung cancer
    I am saddened by your loss as I am still trying to find my way around after my husband passed away in June. He was diagnosed in February with stage 4 malignant melanoma cancer on the brain and in the lung. He was given 6 months he lived 4. One month to the day that he collapsed at his job from a seizure, he had a brain hemmorage on a tumor in the brain and I had to make a fast decision for them to do brain surgery or he would not survive. After the surgery he was paralyzed except for small movement on the right arm and hand. He could not talk, eat or move. After a time in the hospital he was brought home, where he wanted to be, and I cared for him there along with caregivers that came in to help. There was never really any improvement. On May 8th, one of my twin sons, 24 years old was killed in a drunk driving accident, he was a passenger. From that time my husbands health degraded quickly. He was destroyed. He died on June 3rd, barely a month from my sons passing. It has certainly been a journey this year. But the one and the only thing that has got me through and the reason I have not totally gone crazy is Gods mercy on me. Without him I would not probably even be writing this. I stay in his word, I pray, I have tried to stay in church( very hard at times). He has helped me tremendously. I am telling you my story to encourage you that you will get through this and so will I. It may not seem like it but we will, it will just take some time. Stay focused on what you do on a daily basis, that's what I try to do and it helps. Find the good things in life to think on and stay busy. I have taken up reading....again and I think I have read now about 5 books since June. One AWESOME book is 90 minutes in heaven. Its by Don Piper. Its worth reading. Its a true story of his tragic accident and dieing and going to heaven and what he saw. Its a great encouragement. I will be praying for you always. We will make it. I promise!!
  • marc24
    marc24 Member Posts: 92
    #4
    whoaminow said:

    lung cancer
    I am saddened by your loss as I am still trying to find my way around after my husband passed away in June. He was diagnosed in February with stage 4 malignant melanoma cancer on the brain and in the lung. He was given 6 months he lived 4. One month to the day that he collapsed at his job from a seizure, he had a brain hemmorage on a tumor in the brain and I had to make a fast decision for them to do brain surgery or he would not survive. After the surgery he was paralyzed except for small movement on the right arm and hand. He could not talk, eat or move. After a time in the hospital he was brought home, where he wanted to be, and I cared for him there along with caregivers that came in to help. There was never really any improvement. On May 8th, one of my twin sons, 24 years old was killed in a drunk driving accident, he was a passenger. From that time my husbands health degraded quickly. He was destroyed. He died on June 3rd, barely a month from my sons passing. It has certainly been a journey this year. But the one and the only thing that has got me through and the reason I have not totally gone crazy is Gods mercy on me. Without him I would not probably even be writing this. I stay in his word, I pray, I have tried to stay in church( very hard at times). He has helped me tremendously. I am telling you my story to encourage you that you will get through this and so will I. It may not seem like it but we will, it will just take some time. Stay focused on what you do on a daily basis, that's what I try to do and it helps. Find the good things in life to think on and stay busy. I have taken up reading....again and I think I have read now about 5 books since June. One AWESOME book is 90 minutes in heaven. Its by Don Piper. Its worth reading. Its a true story of his tragic accident and dieing and going to heaven and what he saw. Its a great encouragement. I will be praying for you always. We will make it. I promise!!

    different cancer, same situation
    I lost my mom just two weeks ago with colorectal cancer with liver metastasis....it hit her quick, basically 4 months, she went from being ok with some symptoms, to 24/7 in pain and the last 3 days in the hospital, she was in heavy morphine drip, basically labored breathing, technically she was gone except for the 100% oxygen mask....i knew that, i cried uncontrollably the day before she died...then i saw her die in front of my face, took her last breathe and i was crying before, but not when i saw her die...i dunno why that was the case, but i think i realized that my mom was in such pain during her 4 month ordeal, that she is definitely in a better place now. I miss my mom dearly, everyday i think of shoulda woulda coulda situations and try to relive memories....what i normally do is i look at old old pictures of me as a kid with my mom, cuz honestly, im 24, the memories i have with her now isnt as hitting as the once i see when i was younger, that was when she was the "MOM"....thats when i lose my emotions...like i said, its stuff for me still since its only been two weeks, but no matter what, emotions will hit you eventually since we only have 1 set of parents...i lost both my biological parents already as a 24 yr old so it feels very weird...but like i said we all will meet them eventually, but we got to live our lives first and have a long prosperous one for their sake....take care and good luck with you

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