feeling helpless and feeling my marriage is falling apart

kellbell
kellbell Member Posts: 16
edited March 2014 in Brain Cancer #1
My husband was diagnosed 10 years ago with an astrocytoma stage 4. they couldnt operate because of where it was. they radiated and he has been in remission up until 2 months ago. He had surgery 3 weeks ago and what a struggle that has been. He is not the same man that he used to be. He is so bitter and angry and directs it all towards me.. He tells me all the time that he doesnt like me and looks at me with hatred in his eyes. We have been together for 16 years and married 5 years with 2 beautiful daughters age16 and 13. When I leave the house he thinks that i am going out and cheating on him. The anger he has is out of this world. HE will start his first chemo treatment tomorrow afternoon and i am afraid it is just going to get worse from here.I feel so helpless watching him go through this but he refuses to let me help and will not open up to me and share with me wut is going on with ahim and why he is so angry. He is pushing me away and I dont understand why. I feel like my marriage isn't going to survive this. IF anyone out there has any suggestions please let me know. I am in need of some advice or some help.

Comments

  • PBJ Austin
    PBJ Austin Member Posts: 347 Member
    #2
    I am sorry to hear this
    This is very sad indeed. Have you discussed this with his doctor? It could be certain meds that are causing irrational behavior.

    If it's not a physiological problem, is there any chance he will go for counseling or to a support group? Please do not be afraid to seek help.

    Good luck and please keep us posted.
  • kellbell
    kellbell Member Posts: 16
    #3
    PBJ Austin said:

    I am sorry to hear this
    This is very sad indeed. Have you discussed this with his doctor? It could be certain meds that are causing irrational behavior.

    If it's not a physiological problem, is there any chance he will go for counseling or to a support group? Please do not be afraid to seek help.

    Good luck and please keep us posted.

    We go to the doc on Tuesday
    We go to the doc on Tuesday the 14th.. I did talk to them and they said it could b a couple of the meds that he is on.. They are going to try to lower his doses on those and see if that helps any. I am not sure that he would go to counseling or not. He is so set in his ways that you just never know. He seems to b doing better the last few days but you ljust have to take it one day at a time.
  • sue Siwek
    sue Siwek Member Posts: 279
    #4
    kellbell said:

    We go to the doc on Tuesday
    We go to the doc on Tuesday the 14th.. I did talk to them and they said it could b a couple of the meds that he is on.. They are going to try to lower his doses on those and see if that helps any. I am not sure that he would go to counseling or not. He is so set in his ways that you just never know. He seems to b doing better the last few days but you ljust have to take it one day at a time.

    depression
    understand as i am sure that you do after this many years. he is afraid! his life as well as yours has been turned upside down once again. i requested that my husband be put on antidepressants, after a month he calmed down.
  • sue Siwek
    sue Siwek Member Posts: 279
    #5
    forgot to mention that he is
    forgot to mention that he is probably on a steroid which is to keep the cancer from growing while he is radiated and getting chemo. i believe it is decadron and it does cause side effects like personality change. in our case he was agitated, also his face swelled. once the steroid is stopped things will eventually become more normal unless he becomes addicted. if that happens as it did to my husband report it to the oncologist. if it happens like my husband he could not sleep for days! once they eased him of the drug he eventually seemed normal considering all he has been through. it has been nine years and i must say that things are calm, he is as content as he will ever be short of a miracle! i too wondered if i could survive but i did and you can too. be sure to get help for both of you. both my husband and i are on a light anti depressant and it helps. if your husband has speech and physical problems be sure to ask for therapy it was a real help for my husband. good luck
  • sue Siwek
    sue Siwek Member Posts: 279
    #6
    forgot to mention that he is
    forgot to mention that he is probably on a steroid which is to keep the cancer from growing while he is radiated and getting chemo. i believe it is decadron and it does cause side effects like personality change. in our case he was agitated, also his face swelled. once the steroid is stopped things will eventually become more normal unless he becomes addicted. if that happens as it did to my husband report it to the oncologist. if it happens like my husband he could not sleep for days! once they eased him of the drug he eventually seemed normal considering all he has been through. it has been nine years and i must say that things are calm, he is as content as he will ever be short of a miracle! i too wondered if i could survive but i did and you can too. be sure to get help for both of you. both my husband and i are on a light anti depressant and it helps. if your husband has speech and physical problems be sure to ask for therapy it was a real help for my husband. good luck
  • mihalkofla
    mihalkofla Member Posts: 3
    #7
    sue Siwek said:

    forgot to mention that he is
    forgot to mention that he is probably on a steroid which is to keep the cancer from growing while he is radiated and getting chemo. i believe it is decadron and it does cause side effects like personality change. in our case he was agitated, also his face swelled. once the steroid is stopped things will eventually become more normal unless he becomes addicted. if that happens as it did to my husband report it to the oncologist. if it happens like my husband he could not sleep for days! once they eased him of the drug he eventually seemed normal considering all he has been through. it has been nine years and i must say that things are calm, he is as content as he will ever be short of a miracle! i too wondered if i could survive but i did and you can too. be sure to get help for both of you. both my husband and i are on a light anti depressant and it helps. if your husband has speech and physical problems be sure to ask for therapy it was a real help for my husband. good luck

    wow did that help
    My husband was diagnosed with esophageal cancer in Feb 2009,and last week was diagnosed with a small spot on his brain. His symptoms were being hyper verbal and then beginning to forget some words, but they started him on decacdron in anticipation of his radiation that starts tomorrow and for the last few days he has been irritated when he doesnt get his way, in his case he is on a liquid diet and just got extrememly agitated cause I wouldn't let him eat something he shouldnt be eating. He seems to be ok with everyone now but me, me he hates. It is nice to hear this might be from the steroids, as I would love to have my gentle, affable husband back. now the problem is I need him to take the steroid today and I don't think he will do it for me. He wants nothing to do with me and won't let me fix him anything to eat.
  • sue Siwek
    sue Siwek Member Posts: 279
    #8
    mihalkofla said:

    wow did that help
    My husband was diagnosed with esophageal cancer in Feb 2009,and last week was diagnosed with a small spot on his brain. His symptoms were being hyper verbal and then beginning to forget some words, but they started him on decacdron in anticipation of his radiation that starts tomorrow and for the last few days he has been irritated when he doesnt get his way, in his case he is on a liquid diet and just got extrememly agitated cause I wouldn't let him eat something he shouldnt be eating. He seems to be ok with everyone now but me, me he hates. It is nice to hear this might be from the steroids, as I would love to have my gentle, affable husband back. now the problem is I need him to take the steroid today and I don't think he will do it for me. He wants nothing to do with me and won't let me fix him anything to eat.

    i know it is tough. he does
    i know it is tough. he does not hate you! he is afraid and angry and the decadron is agitating him. he is just like the athletes on steroids they get mean. i know it is hard, just keep reminding yourself that he feels safe acting mean to you because you will take it because you love him. it sounds like he will be off it soon. hang on!
  • infoneeded
    infoneeded Member Posts: 23
    #9
    wow I feel the same way
    I took my husband to the er on April 29th. We found out he was going to be admitted to the neuro ICU and needed surgery immediately to remove a mass that turned out to be GBM. We have completed radiation and chemo and are on our break before we start the next treatment. I feel like I am on pins and needles. One day he is happy the next day he is yelling and blaming me for everything and anything. The doctors and I have pleaded with him to take an anti depressant but to no avail. The constant up and down is driving me nuts. He won't talk and completely shuts down if I question him. He is almost off the decadron and I just pray my husband will be back.
  • kellbell
    kellbell Member Posts: 16
    #10
    sue Siwek said:

    depression
    understand as i am sure that you do after this many years. he is afraid! his life as well as yours has been turned upside down once again. i requested that my husband be put on antidepressants, after a month he calmed down.

    the doc did ;put him on
    the doc did ;put him on antidepresant and he has calmed down alot.. thank you so much.. things are starting to look up hill and back to normal.
  • kellbell
    kellbell Member Posts: 16
    #11
    mihalkofla said:

    wow did that help
    My husband was diagnosed with esophageal cancer in Feb 2009,and last week was diagnosed with a small spot on his brain. His symptoms were being hyper verbal and then beginning to forget some words, but they started him on decacdron in anticipation of his radiation that starts tomorrow and for the last few days he has been irritated when he doesnt get his way, in his case he is on a liquid diet and just got extrememly agitated cause I wouldn't let him eat something he shouldnt be eating. He seems to be ok with everyone now but me, me he hates. It is nice to hear this might be from the steroids, as I would love to have my gentle, affable husband back. now the problem is I need him to take the steroid today and I don't think he will do it for me. He wants nothing to do with me and won't let me fix him anything to eat.

    My husband did that also.. I
    My husband did that also.. I jsut did it for him anyway even though he didnt want me too.
  • kellbell
    kellbell Member Posts: 16
    #12
    mihalkofla said:

    wow did that help
    My husband was diagnosed with esophageal cancer in Feb 2009,and last week was diagnosed with a small spot on his brain. His symptoms were being hyper verbal and then beginning to forget some words, but they started him on decacdron in anticipation of his radiation that starts tomorrow and for the last few days he has been irritated when he doesnt get his way, in his case he is on a liquid diet and just got extrememly agitated cause I wouldn't let him eat something he shouldnt be eating. He seems to be ok with everyone now but me, me he hates. It is nice to hear this might be from the steroids, as I would love to have my gentle, affable husband back. now the problem is I need him to take the steroid today and I don't think he will do it for me. He wants nothing to do with me and won't let me fix him anything to eat.

    My husband also didnt want
    My husband also didnt want anything to do with me and sometimes still doesnt. I dont give him a choice but to want something to do with me.. He didnt want me to make him anything to eat or take him anywhere let alone me be in the same room with him./It was very hard for me to deal with and still is sometimes. It breaks my heart to know that you have been with them through everything and they can just shut you out like that. I just told him you can hate me all you want and i am not giving up on you. I do everything for him whether he likes it or not. He doesnt have a choice in the matter. Things were starting to get better the doc put him on antidepressant and got him off of his decadron(steroid) and now he just lost his mother a week ago today and he is back to the way he was before shutting me out again and not wanting to talk to me again. Sometimes i just want to run away and never return but I know that is not the answer.. God will pull me through this and answer my prayers but it just seems like things dont get done like they need to. Keep the faith and it will all get bettter.
  • kellbell
    kellbell Member Posts: 16
    #13
    infoneeded said:

    wow I feel the same way
    I took my husband to the er on April 29th. We found out he was going to be admitted to the neuro ICU and needed surgery immediately to remove a mass that turned out to be GBM. We have completed radiation and chemo and are on our break before we start the next treatment. I feel like I am on pins and needles. One day he is happy the next day he is yelling and blaming me for everything and anything. The doctors and I have pleaded with him to take an anti depressant but to no avail. The constant up and down is driving me nuts. He won't talk and completely shuts down if I question him. He is almost off the decadron and I just pray my husband will be back.

    I am so sorry to hear you
    I am so sorry to hear you are going through this.. I know what you are going through. we still have our up and down days. He still clams up and wont talk to me or anyone or blames me for everything that is happening. I feel sometimes like they dont even want you to b around. I have to keep telling myseklf that isn't true.. The docs did put him on an antidepressant and he is completely off of his decadron. Things have changed alot in his attitude since that all took place. Now he is grieving his mothers death and that is takng a toll on him. Keep your chin up and have faith.
  • farahb
    farahb Member Posts: 2
    #14
    brain tumor
    are all types of brain tumors curable?
    if it is in the last stage or surgery not possible then what would u suggest?hope for a good and positive answer

    symptoms
    headche
    some time bleeding through ear
  • farahb
    farahb Member Posts: 2
    #15
    brain tumor
    are all types of brain tumors curable?
    if it is in the last stage or surgery not possible then what would u suggest?hope for a good and positive answer

    symptoms
    headche
    some time bleeding through ear
  • lanie940
    lanie940 Member Posts: 490 Member
    #16
    Arrgh! I was taking that
    Arrgh! I was taking that decadron after my neurosurgery on my back in 2000. It does make you kinda weird. I'm sure his illness is so overwelming to him. Hopefully the antidepressants will help him. I was actually off of all my meds before that back surgery and was glad when I could stop them and get back to my regular ones. I also take a antidepressant, generic Wellbutrin.
  • sue Siwek
    sue Siwek Member Posts: 279
    #17
    farahb said:

    brain tumor
    are all types of brain tumors curable?
    if it is in the last stage or surgery not possible then what would u suggest?hope for a good and positive answer

    symptoms
    headche
    some time bleeding through ear

    sorry to say that not all
    sorry to say that not all brain tumors are curable. i would urge you to run not walk to the nearest teaching hospital it could be a life saver. i don't know where you are from, get on line and find out the best hospital in the area, i repeat, a teaching hospital i.e. a hospital working with a medical school. go! go! go!
  • sue Siwek
    sue Siwek Member Posts: 279
    #18
    farahb said:

    brain tumor
    are all types of brain tumors curable?
    if it is in the last stage or surgery not possible then what would u suggest?hope for a good and positive answer

    symptoms
    headche
    some time bleeding through ear

    sorry to say that not all
    sorry to say that not all brain tumors are curable. i would urge you to run not walk to the nearest teaching hospital it could be a life saver. i don't know where you are from, get on line and find out the best hospital in the area, i repeat, a teaching hospital i.e. a hospital working with a medical school. go! go! go!
  • infoneeded
    infoneeded Member Posts: 23
    #19
    kellbell said:

    I am so sorry to hear you
    I am so sorry to hear you are going through this.. I know what you are going through. we still have our up and down days. He still clams up and wont talk to me or anyone or blames me for everything that is happening. I feel sometimes like they dont even want you to b around. I have to keep telling myseklf that isn't true.. The docs did put him on an antidepressant and he is completely off of his decadron. Things have changed alot in his attitude since that all took place. Now he is grieving his mothers death and that is takng a toll on him. Keep your chin up and have faith.

    Was he willing to go on the
    Was he willing to go on the antidepressant? The drs. keep asking and I want them to just prescribe it and tell him he has to be on it. I know it is the situation that is causing his attitude....I just want my husband back.
  • bayoubilly
    bayoubilly Member Posts: 4 Member
    #20

    Any updates

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