as a son, my heart is literally breaking into pieces

thanks everyone...im very overwhelmed with your responses
I think having some time for myself is going to help me focus my energy...I just feel extremely guilty going out. So today to relieve some stress I went to a dodger game then at around 9 my dad called and said she had to take my mom to the ER this time they actually went, but again the pain subsided and my mom felt bettet, I guess the trip to er was due to extreme pain but mostly for precaution reasons...I am stuck an a game trying to get my mind out, but then this happens so I feel 10x guilty for not being with her.....so I'm back to square one. I will try to take care of myself more since today I also almost took a prolong leave of absence which means no money but I thought better that I might need to work and just alott more time after to spend time with her...as for the medicine, yes I will def sugges the longer term drug since hydrocone is having lesser and lesser benefits..so now I'm walking home to get to my car and drive home as quickly as possible...and as for our onc...turns out he was sick and was out, but I still feel like its taking forever...I hope I have better news by tomorrow...and I'm happy I have 2 days with her fulltime during weekend...also what should I do with my job...I work in a cutthroat work environment and leave of absence during tough times in economy usually means I will lose my spot and lose my career...its difficult to explain but i was wondering if you guys have thoughts on what I can do..

thanks again for advice...question about PERCOSET pain reliever
So i got some good advice as well, someone told me before i act on something, make sure to stop and think...me taking a leave of absence is a great idea and eventually i might do it, but i also know that my mom is the time of person that is proud of me. Im only 2 yrs fresh off college, my stepdad has the insurance but i primarily help them on everything financially, or at least i try so me putting my paycheck on risk could be difficult after a few months...and yes i can see my mom everynight, albiet later..i just worry about food and someone to take care of her on a daily basis....what im planning is take it day by day and just return to normalcy since i think i function better when i am not dealin with this solely, it helps me when i have something else to focus on even for a few hrs...so i might take a leave of absence, but not right now. Also, my job depends on owning projects and when u get behind, although u are right, they will never fire u for this reason, the economy has been soo terrible that they have laid off alot of people over march and just last week so im trying to keep my job as best as i can. I do know that HR cares but they can only care so much...this is what i feel about my job, they will help u, but at a certain point, they will not hence my hesitation with my career decisions.


An update with my mom, she was sent to ER last friday with pain, she felt better turns out even when she got there but went in for precautionary reasons...she waas tested, her blood, cat scan, etc... but around 1230am she had a nervous breakdown and had a shock, not sure how to explain it, but she was losing her breathe and had severe pain on her chest, good thing we where there already wit a room sooo turns out she did have a shock because she also has high blood pressure...but overall she ended up calming down..but for a good 10 minutes, i thought she was gonna leave me and my stepdad. Afterwards she felt better and better and was released around 5:00am. She is home now doing well but just sleeping A TON....she was given another pain medicine called PERCOSET aside from her HYDROCODONE. The doc stated that its a stronger form so take it, not with the other pain med, but for something more sever.....the CAT SCAN results werent good, since 5 months have went by, the cancer is still in her liver and before its littered all over her liver, the biggest is like 3.3cm. The doc said it looks as if it grew to bout 4-5cm so thats terrible news...but my mom had been having pain left side of the abdomen so the doc was concerned if the cancer has spread to the spleen,...but fortunately, the cancer didnt spread there nor to any of her bones...and he did say that the colorectal cancer isnt really a concern anymore meaning it was helped by the chemo... so now

i feel like its a day to day issue, right now my mom feels about 75%, really weak but she can do things like shower and some cooking, its kinda nice because its been a few days of just worrying about her pain. I feel that it helped her hear from the doc her status about her liver since we havent gotten any for about a month. So she can take the fact that the liver mets are getting somewhat worse but thats more news but i dunno how severe 3.3 to 5 cm is, it seems very severe, but i'll take the good news with the bad which is no concern with her colorectal.

Thanks again for the support and i continue to go here because of you people. I know some/most of u are loveones and most are also survivors / people who still deal with this so i appreciate that u guys help me since mentally its been very tough...but i will take it day by day and try to be with my mom every night as i get off at around 6 or 7...the leave of absence will still be at a pause since to be honest everytime i throw this idea, half kidding or not, my mom will always go "marc sooo what are u gonna do then, just stare at me 24/7 at home??? u cant cook, etc...go to work!" hahahaah she gets a kick of this idea. Im just happy that the last two days was very productive for her, she was more mobile and she is eating just a little more compared to the last two weeks or so...thanks for the support and i KNOW my mom will get through this.