Lynch Syndrome update stuff

Hi!
I have not been back to this site in several months. I share my computer with my family, so my time is limited, but I miss all of the love and support. I always feel "changed" after reading the posts on here.
So, just to update- female, dnx colon cancer age 36 stage IV. Hit my 5 year NED last August except ohh, yeah, no such thing for Lynch syndrome. But the more vocal we are . . . and I have had an opportunity to talk to the doctors, admin and caregivers at Texas Oncology about a patient's perspective on Lynch Syndrome. (put a face with a file). So I have been healthy for 5 years. The scary side of Lynch is that each year makes us statistically closer instead of farther or further, haven't learned the correct usage of that word yet.

Had pre-emptive total hysto in November and if any women wonder, I am SO GRATEFUL!!! Oh, by this time I had just turned 42. Anyway, it's colonoscopies every year from here on out. And mine is coming up. I'm not sick, no anemia, etc. So I'm not worried. Except of course, I am worried or I wouldn't be writing. Anxiety is no fun even when I KNOW I am healthy. Deep Breaths. Can't share the anxiety with the family, so I am writing to you all.

I know most writing are in the throws of the disease right now. It gets better. I only wish that I could have really made the changes that I promised myself when I was really worried about leaving this world. But reality is not cooperative. Reality means that I will continue to try to buy groceries on a public school teacher's salary. And I will work a bajillion hours and 2nd jobs and not spend the time I want to with my kids because I have to pay bills.

I am so frustrated that I have a wonderful husband that is paralyzed with fear at the thought of losing me to cancer, but can not provide for our family financially, emotionally, or otherwise. I think the thought of the tiniest threat (colonoscopy showing something) makes me contemplate the worst case scenario. And then I worry needlessly. But it makes me resent that I have not made those changes that I promised myself when I was sick.

I feel so wrong complaining now, when I am healthy. I think just knowing that statistically I MIGHT or MIGHT NOT have a reason to worry makes me more edgy. But I need to count those blessings. Here we go:
1. Great kids.
2. I can eat and digest food.
3. I can work.
4. I can think again-when I was terribly anemic, I couldn't function like an adult or child, more like a slug.
5. No chemo right now.
6. No worries about my ovaries-they're gone!
Why am I complaining again? Thanks all!
Hugs to everyone!
Cindy Bob