Kids

My grandchildren (like my own!) were 6 and 7 years old.
My grandkids live less than 2 miles from me and are here every day and sleep over at least 1 or 2 nights a week, so we are very very close. When I got cancer they were 6 and 7. Their parents and I told them together, very early even before my surgery, because they knew something was wrong almost immediately. Little people can tell from the silences and strained worried looks and whispered conversations that something is up, and their imaginations can go just as wild as ours do, so that it is almost a relief for them to have some confirmation that something is happening in their family, and to know what it is. As young as they were, they knew what cancer was, and knew a child whose mother had died from it and had seen things on TV; they knew. I explained about the surgery and said how LUCKY I was that the cancer was in places in my guts that I didn't NEED anymore, so they could cut it out. We didn't really tell them all the 'maybes' beyond the surgery (no mention at first of chemo and radiation), but as these things came up, I always gave them my 'minimal' version of what was next, and then answered all of their questions. I remember that when I got out of the hospital, they had clearly been warned by everyone not to hug me hard or jump on me, and they were wary of this new 'fragile' Grammy. But as soon as I could, I had them sleep over, and during our usual 'pre-sleep' chat time, curled under the covers, I let them run their little fingers over my staples, and then they showed me THEIR newest boo-boos. It was evident that they understood the larger picture when Jakey asked me "Are you trying not to die?" And they were both satisfied and comforted when I said that "Yes, that's it exactly."

And throughout my chemo and radiation and the many months of baldness, their kindness to me proved to me that a children can rise to the occasion. I finished my last treatment July 1st (9 months of treatment), and this week is 'Camp Grandma'. Back when I was having chemo and my immunity got too low to be around them with their endless winter colds, we promised each other that just as soon as possible, they could come and spend a whole week and sleep over every night and we'd do something fun every day. Gotta go! I hear them getting up!

It is hard to tell them
My boys were 13 and 7 at the time of my diagnosis. My surgery was very rapid after my diagnosis (less than a week). I'd had many doctor appointments, tests and another proceedure leading up to my diagnosis. We all knew I wasn't feeling well, and was working towards discovering the problem and feeling better.

I chose not to tell them about the cancer diagnosis as I was heading into my surgery. Without more information I was concerned it would just frighten them. I was not comfortable handing them that info, and not being able to answer questions that might follow. I wanted to be able to say the doctors found cancer, this is what they did during the surgery, and this is what was going to happen next, this is how we're going to handle it.

It was so much easier for me to talk to them when I was armed with information. That might not be the right way for everyone, but it made things a lot easier for me and enabled me to answer questions that they had.

I think only you know what's best for you and your children as far as how to present the information.

Wishing you only the the very best!

-Kat

childen
Children are amazingly resilient, my own were 15 and 17 much older than yours and they handled it like champs. Now in 07 I had a recurrence and my grandson lived with me at the time (still does along with his two siblings). He was only 3 at the time, we chose to tell him that Grandma was sick and to get better she would have to go to the doctor for some very special medicine that would help me. We explained that I would be tired and my hair would fall out so he would not be too surprised. He did great, he wanted to help his grandma and he did so in whatever fashion his little body could muster. It is important that they understand it takes time to get better, like the flu, first you get sicker than you get better (just a lot longer process.) It has to be in terms they can understand. Of course the 11 and 9 year old children will have a better concept of what is happening so I suggest honesty to a degree, spare them all the details but be honest. Kids are smarter than we sometimes give them credit for and they are very caring little people. I wish you and your little ones all the best!

RE

It's all in the presentation
Hi cms,
I'm so sorry you have to go through this.

I believe it's really about how you posture this with your children. They will take your lead. My were 4 and 7 when I was diagnosed this spring.

We waited a few days...until we had as much accurate information as we could.
Once we had a confirmed course of action, and I was comfortable and composed, my husband and I called them to the kitchen table for a sit down. It doesn't happen often, so we had their attention. We laid it out to them very "matter of factly" I knew we had to "sell" my 7 year old and, if so, the 4 year old would take his lead.

Our son, the 7 year old, asked if I was going to die, like Grandma.
My response:
"My cancer is my cancer. Lot's of people have cancer and everyone's is different" and I followed up with: "Daddy is taking me to the best hospital with the best tools to try to get me well" - then, we talked about the chemo and that I would lose my hair (not from the cancer) because the drugs are SO great at getting the cancer, they even scare the hair out of me.

We were very careful to involve them but not to put anything directly on them...we didn't go down the "mommy will need lots of love and support" or "mommy will need lots of help" road for fear they might someday blame themselves. We also said there were many questions we didn't yet have answers to, and suggested they keep those things in their prayers and promised to keep them updated. When we hit a benchmark, I'll give them a heads up PRIOR, ie, "I'm going for testing, this is a big step so lets pray" and then, I'll give them the news in abbreviated style" - "the test came back really good", etc.

We have always been open and honest with our children and I leveraged that.
At the end of our initial conversation, I could tell my son, the 7 year old was still a little uneasy. I walked over by him, bent down, grabbed his shoulders, looked him square in the eye and said, "Mommy has never lied to you, right?" - he agreed. Still looking him square in the eye...and completely convicted, I said "You DON'T have to worry right now...and Mommy will tell you if you do, okay?" - he agreed. I finished with, "until that time, you don't have to worry, deal?" - he bought.

I believe this was rather effective, as a week later, while riding in the car I noticed he was quiet so I did a quick pulse check..."Are you worried about my cancer", he replied, "No, I'm worried about where I put my Pokemon cards, you told me not to worry about your cancer unless you tell me I need to" - LOL. Kids are amazing, aren't they?

We've kept things as normal as possible for them, including my husband coaching my sons baseball team this summer. We do not focus on my cancer, it's only a little part of who I am so it really doesn't deserve consuming our lives. We keep them included on everything...they have been to chemo with me, each cut a ponytail when we shaved my head and have, in general, incorporated the entire ordeal into our lives as "matter of factly" as brushing your teeth and doing homework.

ALSO:
I also immediately notified the parents of close friends, teachers, etc. I asked that when my children told them that they please do not say "oh, I'm sorry" or "oh no" but posture it more with "wow, that's interesting news, how do you feel about it" or "what is your mommy going to do about it".

We have amazing children, as I'm sure you do. I am pleased to report, I've continued to do pulse checks with their support network and everyone is amazed with how well they've adjusted, transitioned and accepted it...and, how little they actually think or talk about it. They are normal, happy children with a normal, happy mommy who just happens to have cancer.

I will pray for your family and am cheering for you!
-KC