Rehashing the past

SonSon
SonSon Member Posts: 174
edited March 2014 in Caregivers #1
I wonder what experiences others are having with their loved one reliving the past.

Specifically - past trauma of initial treatments, surgery, pain and the like.

My mother in law often starts to talk about the suffering she had in the initial stages of her treatment. She usually does this until she starts crying. I am trying to keep her hopeful and, honestly, I think that she is in less pain or suffering than that time.

I try to remind her that she is doing pretty well - still walking about, not in so much pain (giving her regular doses of pain medicine) and has her family with her.

Sometimes it seems like she is irritated when I try to steer her away from ruminating on the past trauma.

Does anyone have similar experiences? What do you do?

Fatima

Comments

  • zahalene
    zahalene Member Posts: 670
    #2
    She may just need...
    someone to listen and validate her pain and suffering.
    I remember after I had been through each of my separate mastectomies, then again after months and months of chemo, I just wanted someone to listen while I said, right out loud,...'this and this and this happened to me, and it HURT!'
    The same was true when my marriage broke up in the most painful way possible. Thankfully, I had a group of friends who were willing to just let me vent and then hug me or whatever. At one point one friend said to another in front of me, "Her heart is broken". I can't tell you how validating that was.
    Since then I have tried to be the sympathetic ear for others in a sort of 'pay it forward' way. It is not always easy to know how to 'just listen' and resist the urge to offer advice or say something to 'make it all better', but it is a valuable service we can offer each other. That is why you see so many replies to posts here that simply say, 'I hear you, sister!'
    God bless.
  • SonSon
    SonSon Member Posts: 174
    #3
    zahalene said:

    She may just need...
    someone to listen and validate her pain and suffering.
    I remember after I had been through each of my separate mastectomies, then again after months and months of chemo, I just wanted someone to listen while I said, right out loud,...'this and this and this happened to me, and it HURT!'
    The same was true when my marriage broke up in the most painful way possible. Thankfully, I had a group of friends who were willing to just let me vent and then hug me or whatever. At one point one friend said to another in front of me, "Her heart is broken". I can't tell you how validating that was.
    Since then I have tried to be the sympathetic ear for others in a sort of 'pay it forward' way. It is not always easy to know how to 'just listen' and resist the urge to offer advice or say something to 'make it all better', but it is a valuable service we can offer each other. That is why you see so many replies to posts here that simply say, 'I hear you, sister!'
    God bless.

    Thanks.
    I really do know how therapeutic having someone just listen about the pains and trials.
    It is really hard for me to hear it. My mother in law sometimes asks me "did I do something to annoy you" which really breaks my heart. I told her I am not annoyed with her but with the sickness. I go through all my own emotions about her illness - and sometimes hard to hide.
    And I hate the idea of her suffering at all - whether now or in the past.
    I wonder what sort of validating comment I can make that can help her.
    Thanks again.
  • zahalene
    zahalene Member Posts: 670
    #4
    SonSon said:

    Thanks.
    I really do know how therapeutic having someone just listen about the pains and trials.
    It is really hard for me to hear it. My mother in law sometimes asks me "did I do something to annoy you" which really breaks my heart. I told her I am not annoyed with her but with the sickness. I go through all my own emotions about her illness - and sometimes hard to hide.
    And I hate the idea of her suffering at all - whether now or in the past.
    I wonder what sort of validating comment I can make that can help her.
    Thanks again.

    Just things like...
    'I admire your courage' or 'Yes, I can see from what you say that it was a terrible time for you'. Your actual words are not so important as your attitude about the things she tells you over and over. If you can convey to her that she has a 'right' to her memories that is often enough.
    Perhaps, 'I remember that you told me that before and it amazes me how strong you were through it all.'
    My dad will be 89 soon...I find myself saying, "That's amazing!" a lot. :)
  • terato
    terato Member Posts: 375
    #5
    Once again, Za, you hit the proverbial "nail on the head"!
    I find that I am guilty of telling the same "war stories" about my surgeries and chemo, and I'm sure that those who happen to be "my audience" at the time, are equally tired of hearing me. "Cancer" was a pivotal period in my life, as I'm sure, it is for others. The "stuff" we endured has to mean something, or it will seem to have been for nothing. We want people to know what happened "then" so that they can appreciated how far we have come, and, that there is the same hope for them, should they ever travel done the same path.

    Love and Courage!

    Rick

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