How do you deal with your loved ones taking their emotions out on you?

duck and cover
needhope1. You are just starting this journey and your husband is dealing with hundreds of emotional issues running through his head. Your doing a great job in trying to reduce the daily stress. If he is in any kind of constant pain, that leads to frustration and anger and it comes out on those close to us. Being early in the game here I would sit down and have a face to face talk with him. Remind him that he is not alone in this struggle and he is not just trying to survive for himself. You cannot understand all of his pain or issues he is dealing with but you are there to love and support him. Sometimes it takes a kick in the butt to remind us that our wives and children love us and need us around. Its easy to get self centered and quit thinking of others when we are dealing with cancer. You are not alone as this seems to be part of the cycle we deal with during cancer at some point or another. As a man I can say the first mental hit on me was the cancer diagnosis. Then the constant pain. Losing the ability to work and feeling like a burden to the family as bills piled up. The phone ringing from someone wanting money or someone making a stupid comment about our percentage chances of survival. Its alot to handle in a short time period. If you feel he is getting out of control after you have a good talk call his Oncologist about counseling options. Sometimes the best medicine for us is to talk to others that are dealing with cancer and finding out that all our symptoms and fears and normal. Best wishes to you and your husband. Slickwilly

slickwilly said:

duck and cover
needhope1. You are just starting this journey and your husband is dealing with hundreds of emotional issues running through his head. Your doing a great job in trying to reduce the daily stress. If he is in any kind of constant pain, that leads to frustration and anger and it comes out on those close to us. Being early in the game here I would sit down and have a face to face talk with him. Remind him that he is not alone in this struggle and he is not just trying to survive for himself. You cannot understand all of his pain or issues he is dealing with but you are there to love and support him. Sometimes it takes a kick in the butt to remind us that our wives and children love us and need us around. Its easy to get self centered and quit thinking of others when we are dealing with cancer. You are not alone as this seems to be part of the cycle we deal with during cancer at some point or another. As a man I can say the first mental hit on me was the cancer diagnosis. Then the constant pain. Losing the ability to work and feeling like a burden to the family as bills piled up. The phone ringing from someone wanting money or someone making a stupid comment about our percentage chances of survival. Its alot to handle in a short time period. If you feel he is getting out of control after you have a good talk call his Oncologist about counseling options. Sometimes the best medicine for us is to talk to others that are dealing with cancer and finding out that all our symptoms and fears and normal. Best wishes to you and your husband. Slickwilly

needhope
I just tell my husband it is his body but it is our cancer I am there all the way with him and there are times he absolutly tears my head off I go off and cry ( so he wont see) I dont get mad at him I get very hurt it is just him and I our kids have jobs and kids and cant help
so he depends on me. SO I just try to muddle thru this until we can put it behind us
Linda

sally72 said:

i know the feelings but see
i know the feelings but see it as healthy. my husband is a quiet man and rarely allows his grouchyees to show ... so when he's upset and vents on me and i feel hurt and angry i try to pause and remember if he really didn't trust me very deeply he would not have gotten grumpy and taken it out on me .

it's so hard to have it dumpped on us but then i think well i guess he's got the right to be mad and he's not really mad at me .. i'm simply the only one for him to vent and release some of his mad hopefully helping him feel better .

My husband too is starting
My husband too is starting to become very grouchy. Which is the complete opposite of his past personality. I am very well aware that it's all the emotions that come with his disease. There are many times when as far as he's concerned nothing is right. Perhaps the food is too hot...maybe it's too cold. He snapped at me because I put a yellow straw in his ensure instead of a purple one. (how crazy is that?) And then each time I give him his medications he has to question each and every tablet.

It's hard being a caregiver. It's the hardest thing I have ever done in my life but I also know that this new personality is not my husband. It's the circumstances of this terrible disease he's fighting. I complain sometimes because I can't leave the home anymore unless it's to take him for chemo, but then I think...who am I to complain? This man stays in the bedroom and stares at the same four walls all day every day. (Although he did come out last week, that's in another post).

Just hang in there and give him all the love you can....be patient. There is a very special place in heaven for caregivers.

giveing this more thought
giveing this more thought --- something happened not long ago and we ended up haveing an arguement . my brain tryed to work up guilt for argueing with my terminally ill soulmate .--- but i was so frustrated and he was beeing so grouchy --- i did feel guilt but in the end he felt relief .

he had tryed to get me mad by pushing most of this will make her mad and argue with me buttons .... i wonder if he was thinking if i can get her to yell at me i'm not as sick--as everyone thinks i am. asking for the normal give and take the normal grouchy stuff and not put up like he's super fragile

he is super fragile but if i'll motivate him with a bit of normal married people argueing and pointing out he's still able to do some things i'm hopeing to give him hope that the cancer won't be much worse . it's pretty bad right now

i am trying to be in some areas with him like it was precancer ... not to minimumize the illness simply to give him a sense of normal is still here ....

cowman said:

needhope1,
My husband is
needhope1,

My husband is also basically just beginning this frustrating journey. We have been through all the tests (colon cancer) and on the 6th week of chemo/radiation so he is NOT feeling very good. Surgery is 6 weeks away. To me, the most frustrating and hurtful thing is when he is so very nice to the frequent visitors that drop by and then turns around and is a crank with me. I don't want to hear one more time - you hurt the ones you love the most. We have tried to talk about it but there doesn't seem to be an answer. Yes, I walk away sometimes but I can see that isn't a good thing to continue as I would think it would only make the caregiver bitter. There is much to learn about all of this and I guess we can just hope that tomorrow will be a better day. I believe getting enough rest is important for both parties also. When we are both tired (and for him it is always) that is when it is the worst. Caregivers will be in my prayers tonite!

cowmans wife

I am sure you have heard of...
'tough love'. What you are experiencing with your husband now may be a sort of 'safe love'. He is nice to other people because they can walk out if he isn't. He knows that you will only walk AWAY. And then come back. So he feels safe in expressing the most negative emotions he is having in front or even toward you. He really does need the emotional outlet, but of course, it takes a toll on you. This is one of the most difficult aspects of care giving.
The fact that the two of you can talk about this is very healthy. It might also be a plus to get some professional counseling. Treatment centers often have counselors or case workers available. You might want to check that out. Both your and his emotional pools are being drained. Refilling is a must. Otherwise you become 'un-feeling' toward each other, which is infinitely worse than the feelings you evoke in each other now, though they seem to be so negative.
You might try agreeing with your husband to take 10 minutes each day to say only positive, loving things to each other...the rest of the day is up for grabs, but I think you will be surprised at the result after a short time.
God bless.