My family is already a mess and we are in the early stages

ppm20wife
ppm20wife Member Posts: 44
edited March 2014 in Caregivers #1
My DH was dxed with cancer 3 weeks ago - still in the process of going to different drs, setting up surgery and after treatment. And my family is already slipping. DH is in denial and contradicting everything I try to tell my kids - they are 16, 14, 12 - he is making so light of this, acting like all the drs. appts are a big inconvenience in his life and his eating habits are worse than ever. My 16 year old says cancer is cancer - he is not stupid and he wishes I would stop dramatizing everything. All he says is "is Dad going to live or die?" When I say I can't answer that he says then stop talking about it. Then treats his dad and I like crap. My daughter, 14, has become so immature and mouthy, and again says I am a drama queen. My 12 year old is at camp (he is also autistic) so he doesn't know yet - have NO clue how to approach this one. It's almost like I am so alone yet this is not my dx and the more I try to make things ok the worse they get...yet his surgery and treatment begins in 2 weeks (after all the final tests come back and other dr. appts are over) - my family is not even close to being ready for this deal and I already feel like it is no use trying to keep this all together. What the heck is going to happen to us when it really gets started? What am I going to do? I absolutely can't lose it - I have to get this right so there are no additional problems or hardships. Please help with any advice - I really don't know where to turn right now and it seems all I am doing is hiding somewhere and crying...not very useful...

Comments

  • MichelleP
    MichelleP Member Posts: 254
    #2
    Oh myyyyy There are so many
    Oh myyyyy There are so many things you said that I can relate to. My heart breaks for you because I know what your going through. We ourselves just began this journey a few months ago and one very important thing I can suggest...is please....take a deep breath and find yourself some private way of relaxing. I can tell you from personal experience that the constant worry will hurt no one but yourself. And it's so important that you take care of you dear because you will be of no help to anyone else if you don't. I am a 24/7 caretaker for my husband and am unable to leave the home unless it's chemo day. I can't get the insurance company to help me with home health care etc. Sometimes I feel so desperately alone...and that's when I force myself to maybe take a hot bath, read a book or maybe call someone just to hear a "voice". Your kids react this way to you out of fear...just as your husband is. Keep reminding yourself of that. You need to be the strong one now....but you can't unless you take care of yourself too.

    Good luck and please let us know how you are...we are always here for you!
  • coachL
    coachL Member Posts: 15
    #3
    Hi.
    Normally I am in bed at
    Hi.
    Normally I am in bed at this time, getting ready for another long day of caring for my husband, but I just couldn't get past your post. I had to respond. Please do not lose hope. I remember the craziness of those early days and how I could not find a place to get really alone to think, process everything, and yes...cry. You have had your whole world turned upside down--be patient with yourself and all of the things you are feeling.
    Your kids sound like normal teens. They will grow through this expereince and come out with great character. My kids are a bit older(17, 19, 22) and are for the most part mature enough to deal with my husbands stage 4 diagnosis. (We have just completed treatment--chemo and 35 radiation trtmts.) You sound wise and strong. You will get through this. Do you have family nearby at all that you could call on for help? church group? friends? People for the most part really do want to help.

    I wish I could give you a hug! I will be praying for you every day. God's love is long, high, wide , and deep--big enough to carry you, your kids, and husband through.

    Coach L
  • soccerfreaks
    soccerfreaks Member Posts: 2,788 Member
    #4
    Take a load off Annie
    If I may offer some advice as a survivor and caregiver, I would advise that you breathe very deeply and consider what is really happening.

    From your post, I gather that surgery is in the immediate future, and that is, believe it or not, usually a good thing. You did not mention the nature or stage or location of your husband's cancer, but surgery usually means that the doctors have hope for the patient's future.

    I trust that this is the case for your DH. (I am assuming that you are not a baseball coach lamenting the potential loss of your Designated Hitter).

    Take a deep breath.

    Think about where you are and where you are about to go. I would suggest that you are right now in a sort of Wonderland state, where you do not know which end is up and every time you turn around, some one, mainly your kids and your dear husband, are refuting your worry.

    They may have reason. I do not know.

    But you have to take care of you, and you have to take care of them, and this is a problem for you, clearly.

    Someone else responding to your post suggested that 'kids will be kids' to paraphrase, and I tend to agree with that most of the time. But I not only endured two bouts of cancer, but also coached kids of virtually all ages, and I think I have some idea of where they are coming from as a result.

    Kids are smarter than we give them credit for as parents. As a coach, I was blown away by MY OWN SON'S analysis of games on the way home, to say nothing of the things I heard from other boys and girls over those 15 years to convince me of this: they know more than we think they do.

    Treat them all, all of them, like adults. To a degree. Do not lie to them. Lay it out for them. Cancer is not fun and games, and the tough guys do not always win. Sit them all down at once, along with DH, and talk about this. Let all know what your worries are. Maybe DH can assuage your fears with a different understanding of what is going on.

    In any event, get it out, blow open the portholes and let the fresh air in. It's cancer. It's time for the family to deal with it.

    The 16 year old is being how he is because he is 16. That is a given. He is immortal and assumes that everyone else in his life is too. My son would not come to the hospital when I was in, did not want to see his dad vulnerable. That is a truth. Perhaps your son has that same sort of relationship with his dad.

    Consider it.

    The younger two DO understand, although they may not know exactly how to process their emotions.

    I would advise that when you have this talk you let all of them know that you are going to need their help. Help with the chores beyond what they are used to, help with their attitudes if those are a problem, and help with expressing love for one another in these troubled times, even if it is not something you are accustomed to (I know we aren't).

    As for DH, without knowing anything about his cancer, I can only suggest that he get with the program, that he acknowledge your concerns and treat them as they should be treated, regardless of his own opinions, as legitimate concerns for his well-being.

    If he is like me, to be honest with you, he probably is thinking of you as a pain in the butt. If you let him know how you feel, if you let him know that his actions (and non-actions) are adversely affecting you, perhaps he will make some adjustments.

    In any event, do not give up. Do not hide.

    And give yourself some time: to be a good caregiver, you have to take good care of the giver.

    Best wishes to your husband and his family, and especially to you, who probably have the hardest job.

    Take care,

    Joe
  • zahalene
    zahalene Member Posts: 670
    #5
    "I have to get this right....
    so there are no additional problems or hardships."
    ??? Sweetie, you have set yourself an impossible task.
    I know, I had 3 cancer diagnoses over a span of 10 years, beginning when my kids were 1 and 12. I wanted sooo badly to 'get it right' so that they and hubby would not have to feel threatened. Didn't happen. Impossible.
    Each member of your family is going to feel angry, sad, scared, personally threatened, cheated, helpless, ....etc, etc. You can not stop the process.
    So, how about setting up family counseling NOW? I know, you are already feeling overwhelmed with appointments and chores and responsibilities of every day living. Time to marshal your troops. Call in family and friends to help with the mechanics of living for awhile and give yourself and hubby and kids a chance to take care of the emotional ramifications of the situation. Just admit right out loud, in front of God and everybody, that your resources are not equal to this task and whether or not you all need help is not the question...it is a FACT. Then deal with the facts as they are. Don't try to live in unrealistic expectations of yourself, your hubby, or your kids.
    God bless.
  • ppm20wife
    ppm20wife Member Posts: 44
    #6
    zahalene said:

    "I have to get this right....
    so there are no additional problems or hardships."
    ??? Sweetie, you have set yourself an impossible task.
    I know, I had 3 cancer diagnoses over a span of 10 years, beginning when my kids were 1 and 12. I wanted sooo badly to 'get it right' so that they and hubby would not have to feel threatened. Didn't happen. Impossible.
    Each member of your family is going to feel angry, sad, scared, personally threatened, cheated, helpless, ....etc, etc. You can not stop the process.
    So, how about setting up family counseling NOW? I know, you are already feeling overwhelmed with appointments and chores and responsibilities of every day living. Time to marshal your troops. Call in family and friends to help with the mechanics of living for awhile and give yourself and hubby and kids a chance to take care of the emotional ramifications of the situation. Just admit right out loud, in front of God and everybody, that your resources are not equal to this task and whether or not you all need help is not the question...it is a FACT. Then deal with the facts as they are. Don't try to live in unrealistic expectations of yourself, your hubby, or your kids.
    God bless.

    Thank you everyone, I really
    Thank you everyone, I really appreciate it! - I am still trying to sort things out - I just stopped talking about it for now unless I have to - it seems everyone else in this family is doing that.... His next dr appt with the cancer center is next week this is where it will all be laid out for treatment after surgery and surgery is at the end of the month when all the genetic tests are back. All the apppointments etc are made so I guess I will just go with hubby and just knocking off what we have to do one at a time... Such great advice I just hope I can put it into action!
  • sally72
    sally72 Member Posts: 25
    #7
    early treatment stage should be called chaos
    cancer is that fully dreaded and totally terrorizeing oh god no never let cancer touch my family . when it does there are bound to be some conflicting responses in the home ... each will process as best they can for their age levels and each will feel caught in the middle . unconciouly the question how does this effect me is being leaked slowly out ...

    when my step dad got sick this happened i was only 14 but a mature 14 in many ways ... at first we all avoided eachother and the topic of his health was taboo .... argueing became a fine art and anger was the silent monster in the home . WHY WHY he didn't have cancer but as close to it as you get sevear emphaseama ... ulcers ect . he wasn't able to do much at all. possibly he did develop cancer and they simply didn't tell us .

    it's going to take some time for your family to find their place and what role they will fill in this . the denial is classically normal . the word cancer brings up dreaded pictuers and fears into the concious mind . oh no the drs must be wrong not our family .

    just went through this last fall when my husband was dx with cancer .... he's been in and out of the hospital then a rehab for pt so he'll be able to walk ... i suspect it'd because i have ms and not able to help if and when he falls . i've had to learn to be alone again and do things he did to help me . it's hit my daughter very hard because her natural father is so rotten and her step father adores her and she adores him ....

    we haven't gotten to the we can talk about this stage yet . but she's getting the realistic help she needs from the counseling center ...

    as for me i feel like i'm traffic controller haveing to set aside things to help others be able to cope . my ace in the hole is my sister . i don't have to hide anything and she's so supportive . no unnessasary danceing around the facts his cancer is untreatable . when i need her she's there when i need her help to distract she's still there ..... in time you will find a structure to work together to help eachother
  • sue Siwek
    sue Siwek Member Posts: 279
    #8
    soccerfreaks said:

    Take a load off Annie
    If I may offer some advice as a survivor and caregiver, I would advise that you breathe very deeply and consider what is really happening.

    From your post, I gather that surgery is in the immediate future, and that is, believe it or not, usually a good thing. You did not mention the nature or stage or location of your husband's cancer, but surgery usually means that the doctors have hope for the patient's future.

    I trust that this is the case for your DH. (I am assuming that you are not a baseball coach lamenting the potential loss of your Designated Hitter).

    Take a deep breath.

    Think about where you are and where you are about to go. I would suggest that you are right now in a sort of Wonderland state, where you do not know which end is up and every time you turn around, some one, mainly your kids and your dear husband, are refuting your worry.

    They may have reason. I do not know.

    But you have to take care of you, and you have to take care of them, and this is a problem for you, clearly.

    Someone else responding to your post suggested that 'kids will be kids' to paraphrase, and I tend to agree with that most of the time. But I not only endured two bouts of cancer, but also coached kids of virtually all ages, and I think I have some idea of where they are coming from as a result.

    Kids are smarter than we give them credit for as parents. As a coach, I was blown away by MY OWN SON'S analysis of games on the way home, to say nothing of the things I heard from other boys and girls over those 15 years to convince me of this: they know more than we think they do.

    Treat them all, all of them, like adults. To a degree. Do not lie to them. Lay it out for them. Cancer is not fun and games, and the tough guys do not always win. Sit them all down at once, along with DH, and talk about this. Let all know what your worries are. Maybe DH can assuage your fears with a different understanding of what is going on.

    In any event, get it out, blow open the portholes and let the fresh air in. It's cancer. It's time for the family to deal with it.

    The 16 year old is being how he is because he is 16. That is a given. He is immortal and assumes that everyone else in his life is too. My son would not come to the hospital when I was in, did not want to see his dad vulnerable. That is a truth. Perhaps your son has that same sort of relationship with his dad.

    Consider it.

    The younger two DO understand, although they may not know exactly how to process their emotions.

    I would advise that when you have this talk you let all of them know that you are going to need their help. Help with the chores beyond what they are used to, help with their attitudes if those are a problem, and help with expressing love for one another in these troubled times, even if it is not something you are accustomed to (I know we aren't).

    As for DH, without knowing anything about his cancer, I can only suggest that he get with the program, that he acknowledge your concerns and treat them as they should be treated, regardless of his own opinions, as legitimate concerns for his well-being.

    If he is like me, to be honest with you, he probably is thinking of you as a pain in the butt. If you let him know how you feel, if you let him know that his actions (and non-actions) are adversely affecting you, perhaps he will make some adjustments.

    In any event, do not give up. Do not hide.

    And give yourself some time: to be a good caregiver, you have to take good care of the giver.

    Best wishes to your husband and his family, and especially to you, who probably have the hardest job.

    Take care,

    Joe

    i might add. our children
    i might add. our children were all adults when my husband was diagnosed with brain cancer. we called them all in to the hospital and had a knowledgeable doctor address them with the realities after their father and i had broken the news. the doctor gave them the facts we gave them the cue that this was not over by any means! we went to a teaching hospital and nearly 10 year later they still have their father. we have all become better people for it especially their father. AND! most importantly he has had the pleasure of meeting 5 grandchildren!

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