Should I Push or Just Support?

Julis1111
Julis1111 Member Posts: 5
edited March 2014 in Caregivers #1
I'm watching my husband go through chemo. He is getting less and less active. He used to want to go for walks every day, but now he sits a lot and watches tv a lot. He has basically told me to back off, he'll walk when he feels like it. I see him getting weaker and weaker, and some is from the chemo, but a lot of it is from his inactivity.

Should I back off? It's not the best thing for him.......what is more important, getting him to do the right thing to keep himself healthy, or letting him do what he wants? It's probably a moot point, since I can't really make him anyway.

So next question - how do I find peace in letting him manage his cancer his own way?

Comments

  • terato
    terato Member Posts: 375
    #2
    He will become more active when he is ready.
    Julis1111,

    I fully understand your husband's preference of watching television over physical activity. When I was enduring chemo, I did the same thing until I started to feel better. Not only did the chemo wipe me out, I was fatigued from the anxiety and depression associated with any grim diagnosis and debilitation treatment protocols. Trust your husband to know when he is ready for changes in his activity levels.

    Love and Courage!

    Rick
  • lily33
    lily33 Member Posts: 27
    #3
    Hard Situation
    Julis111,

    First of all let me say that my heart goes out to you during this difficult and confusing time. I understand all too well the frustration and loss you are feeling. My husband was 30 years old when he had surgery to remove a tumor and his kidney. Post surgery he was very depressed and demanding. He refused to do anything for himself and was very harsh when I suggested things for him to do. Not only would he put constant demands on me, but I could never seem to do them right. Once he even yelled at me because I bent his straw incorrectly when I placed it in his glass.

    I started refusing to do small things. For example, if he'd been sitting on the couch for a while and wanted a drink I'd tell him I was caught up with something and could he please do it himself. Eventually he really wanted the drink and he'd get up. Slowly I asked him (or gently refused) to do more and more things for himself. Those little "chores" not only forced him to move more, but also gave him confidence that he could do things.

    Then I made suggestions that coaxed him off the couch. I'd tell him the kids were riding bikes and why didn't he sit on a chair on the driveway to watch. If I was gardening, I'd ask him to keep me company outside while I worked. If I had errands to do, I'd ask him to go with me (even if he just sat in the car)so we could talk. Eventually he started to realize what he was missing and took the initiative to move on his own.

    You need to keep a couple things in mind. First-don't try to get him to do activity that he physically can't or should not do. Second-he WILL get mad at you. Unfortunately there's no way around that. My husband at one point told me I didn't care about him when I refused to get him something. He's just as frustrated and needs you to care for him not enable him. It's a fine line that after 5 years I have yet to master. Tell him that you push him sometimes BECAUSE you love him. If you didn't love him you would let him rot on the couch without a care in the world. Third-keep in mind he may be depressed and need medication. Consult with his doctor if that is a concern.

    Sometimes allowing our loved ones find their own path to recovery is difficult. Stay strong, get the support of family and friends, and take time for yourself.

    lily33

    Best of luck to you
  • seanslove
    seanslove Member Posts: 70
    #4
    finding peace
    I understand where you are coming from as I watch my hero turn into a tv watching bed person:not him at all. I have found letting him tell me what he can or can not do id best,as we have not even started chemo and in two months he has lost 40 pounds. I know how hard it is for you as I cry when ever in my car or away from home,and look for answers. This is why I have joined these boards today is in hope of finding peace and answers.
  • MichelleP
    MichelleP Member Posts: 254
    #5
    lily33 said:

    Hard Situation
    Julis111,

    First of all let me say that my heart goes out to you during this difficult and confusing time. I understand all too well the frustration and loss you are feeling. My husband was 30 years old when he had surgery to remove a tumor and his kidney. Post surgery he was very depressed and demanding. He refused to do anything for himself and was very harsh when I suggested things for him to do. Not only would he put constant demands on me, but I could never seem to do them right. Once he even yelled at me because I bent his straw incorrectly when I placed it in his glass.

    I started refusing to do small things. For example, if he'd been sitting on the couch for a while and wanted a drink I'd tell him I was caught up with something and could he please do it himself. Eventually he really wanted the drink and he'd get up. Slowly I asked him (or gently refused) to do more and more things for himself. Those little "chores" not only forced him to move more, but also gave him confidence that he could do things.

    Then I made suggestions that coaxed him off the couch. I'd tell him the kids were riding bikes and why didn't he sit on a chair on the driveway to watch. If I was gardening, I'd ask him to keep me company outside while I worked. If I had errands to do, I'd ask him to go with me (even if he just sat in the car)so we could talk. Eventually he started to realize what he was missing and took the initiative to move on his own.

    You need to keep a couple things in mind. First-don't try to get him to do activity that he physically can't or should not do. Second-he WILL get mad at you. Unfortunately there's no way around that. My husband at one point told me I didn't care about him when I refused to get him something. He's just as frustrated and needs you to care for him not enable him. It's a fine line that after 5 years I have yet to master. Tell him that you push him sometimes BECAUSE you love him. If you didn't love him you would let him rot on the couch without a care in the world. Third-keep in mind he may be depressed and need medication. Consult with his doctor if that is a concern.

    Sometimes allowing our loved ones find their own path to recovery is difficult. Stay strong, get the support of family and friends, and take time for yourself.

    lily33

    Best of luck to you

    excellend advice lily
    Thanks for your advice. I too am experiencing problems with my husband not wanting to do anything. I understand his fatigue after chemo and that he can't walk too far due to 24/7 oxygen, but there are indeed a few things he could do for himself and I certainly will take your advice.

    My husband too yelled at me because I brought a fork for him to eat with once when he wanted a spoon. So, now I bring everything....fork, spoon, knife etc just in case! ha ha
  • angelsbaby
    angelsbaby Member Posts: 1,165 Member
    #6
    seanslove said:

    finding peace
    I understand where you are coming from as I watch my hero turn into a tv watching bed person:not him at all. I have found letting him tell me what he can or can not do id best,as we have not even started chemo and in two months he has lost 40 pounds. I know how hard it is for you as I cry when ever in my car or away from home,and look for answers. This is why I have joined these boards today is in hope of finding peace and answers.

    I did it all
    I pushed and supported at the begining he did alot but the last year i helped alot and even thou i felt at times overwhelmed i pushed on becaue i loved him and i would do anything to make him comfortable but i was always doing things for him even before he got sick so it wasn;t that hard to do, it was seeing him getting sicker and sicker that really wore me down and i could not help him at the end.I just wanted him to beat this and stay with me a little longer but he died and i miss him so much.But everyone is different you do what is best for you.

    Take care

    michelle
  • lily33
    lily33 Member Posts: 27
    #7
    seanslove said:

    finding peace
    I understand where you are coming from as I watch my hero turn into a tv watching bed person:not him at all. I have found letting him tell me what he can or can not do id best,as we have not even started chemo and in two months he has lost 40 pounds. I know how hard it is for you as I cry when ever in my car or away from home,and look for answers. This is why I have joined these boards today is in hope of finding peace and answers.

    Hold On
    seanslove and MichelleP,

    My 35 year old husband is 5 years into his struggle with stage IV kidney cancer. I understand the sadness and frustration the two of you are faced with daily as you watch your loved ones change before your eyes. Please know that even 5 years in, I still have good and bad days. I am constantly learning how to be a caregiver and wife at the same time.

    I know it's hard, but try to find some way to cope with the bad days. Many times I cry too-especially in the car or at night in bed. I also have found that listening to music (on my ipod) or reading sometimes allows me to disconnect from my sadness. Instead of letting my mind wander in the car as I drive, the music I love helps me refocus my thoughts. Reading before bed (something happy) allows me to have good thoughts in my head before I go to sleep. It usually helps to have a good cry, but keep in mind there are additional ways to handle the grief and isolation. Along with this board and friends, never give up on trying different ways that will help get you through the day.

    Hang in there and know that I am thinking and praying for you often.

    lily33
  • sally72
    sally72 Member Posts: 25
    #8
    after some soul searching i
    after some soul searching i began to understand that at times my husband really needed the help and other times he was testing me to see if i was still there for him. we went through this stage then found the will she still be patient for this and not for that like normal . testing to see if he was super sick . well he is . but i'm able to say no you do it you arn't that sick yet may never be.

    we have some new things like my getting him up for ensure a snack and a bathroom trip and we sit a joke scratching eachother's backs with a hug ....

    i think he finds it reassureing i'll argue with him as if he doesn't have cancer . no big blow ups ... just nope you are strong enough to do that is reassureing . but when he's over tired and in a bad mood i try my best to be calm collected and there for him ...

    i only push about his not eating ..... he needs the energy .......
  • sue Siwek
    sue Siwek Member Posts: 279
    #9
    tough love sometimes is the
    tough love sometimes is the thing. if he is depressed get him as well as yourself help. do it now.
  • Julis1111
    Julis1111 Member Posts: 5
    #10
    sue Siwek said:

    tough love sometimes is the
    tough love sometimes is the thing. if he is depressed get him as well as yourself help. do it now.

    An Update
    Thank you to all who replied, it helped immensely. I took the "he'll help when he's ready", blended with asking him directly for things that he can do, that I need him to do. All the other stuff doesn't have to get done. A lot of it was what I thought he should be doing, and this is really his decision. At age 49, I can't change his basic approach to things. He is being consistent with who he is. I should add that his chemo dosage was reduced, and he is feeling much better. I promise I won't make him help out if he's truly not feeling up to it! But really - telling people he feels great and is ready to go back to work - he certainly can start taking out the trash!

    Time, some perspective, and some praying have helped - just like with all the other things you go through in a marriage.

    Thank you again, you made a difference in helping me cope.

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