NSLC - I am 43 diagnosed with Adenocarcinoma.. upper lobe removed

Cancer and life?
fabe, I'm a surviver too, and now quite ancient at age now almost 74. I remain shocked that so many women still die of cervical cancer like I had at age 35 and nursed my mother until she died from the same type cancer at age 42. The diagnosis was one of the most
frightening ones of my life.

Now I must be the sole caregiver of the man, my second husband, who is the love of my life and though I can't put myself in your shoes, when I was diagnosed I had left my military and abusive spouse over seas along with my four children and was back in the states very alone with no one to care for me, but me.

There are days, now, when I just wish it would all go away. And at times there is so much on my plate, I find myself frustrated and run out of patience with the very normal responses of my spouse that so often goes with chemo. I do my best to provide healthy and nourishing food. Why won't he eat? At times I feel like screaming and saying, Don't you understand it is the only thing you can do for yourself to make your self better. Then two weeks ago, he gained three pounds and my patience was rewarded. The urge to scream would have done no good.

One of the most positive aspects of the Cancer Center at U.C. Davis, in Sacramento, CA, where my husband is receiving treatment is a terrific counselor who is available to all. If you have anyone available and your husband is willing to go with you, having a person who understands how patients and their caregivers feel and being able to talk about all the feelings can really help.

It is trite to suggest if your husband is truly abusive or violent, counseling might help, but having someone who will listen to both sides of all the feelings and the fear that comes with a cancer diagnosis, may help. Sometimes the fear of loss of someone you dearly love may cause one to blame the "victim" for a condition they never chose. And fortunately, those who have cancer are no longer designated as "victims."

BTW, I lived for 3 years a long time ago in Marlow on Thames, I think at times I'm a misplaced Brit. And just to add, as a reentry student, a choice I made following the cancer and the surgery that removed it and it never came back, my thesis for my MA was on
Institutionalized Violence and American Women. If your husband, as I said is truly a violent man, there is no reason to stay and subject your self and your children to such a circumstance. You must fine a way out.

I've not as yet set up a private e-mail for this forum, but will listen as sometimes it just helps to talk and you've taken this first step with sharing your feelings here. I've chosen my screen name for a very valid reason, I still have hope for this year and maybe hope is all I will have, but it is worth considering along with the fear and anxiety.

My best to you fabe. From a different perspective, like others, I understand.

life is different after dx
I live in southern calif. my life has changed, whenever I would express my fears my husband would tell me to stop worrying which was no comfort for me but I found out later after telling how much I hated what he was saying he explained he didnt know what to say; now that I am home from surgery he makes sure meals are made but housekeeping is out the window I have learned the house is not as important as my health and do what I can, my feelings are I was given a second chance and I am going to make the best of it many people dont even get the opportunity of treatment and just count the days. we are here for a reason yours might be to raise those beautiful children and if you are bitter it does not help them you will know in time what to do about your husband , I agree with the last post there are changes I went threw a depression for surviving when so many don't but I needed to talk to people and find my purpose for making it hang in there and post whenever you feel down there is always someone here to help

Coping
Dear Fabe,

I am a two time cancer survivor: first breast cancer back in 2002 and then lung cancer in 2006. The nurse I had back in 2002 was really really good. She seemed to know just what kinds of things I was going through or about to go through even before I realized it. One thing I learned from her is that when treatment ends, our fears and needs often increase. When we are busy doing something about cancer, we feel like we are beating the beast. We are doing something positive and know that we are getting the best medical care possible. During treatment, we have nurses and doctors paying attention to our needs. Then all of it ends and we don't have anything to support us even though we still have all those worries. My nurse said I may need a support group at that time because my spouse would probably think that everything had been done, I was cured, and life could return to what he remembered as "normal". That was the understatement of the year! My husband says he doesn't even believe I had cancer once since I was never sick and he never saw the tumors. He is convinced that the doctors just wanted some money to go on vacation and figured my insurance company could provide for them! I'm still married to him in spite of his weird ideas. But I had to have support and he certainly wasn't it when it came to cancer issues. A social worker at my oncology clinic got on the internet and located a group called The Wellness Community that specializes in providing FREE emotional support for cancer patients and their families. They are both community and internet based. One turned out to be 4 miles from my home. Later I also found support at this site, which fits with my busy schedule better than a face-to-face group right now. But sometimes I needed a group with arms. Sometimes I just need what I find here. It would be nice if my husband was more supportive, but that's not his strong point. People aren't perfect. A magazine I read mentioned that women need girl friends so that they aren't totally dependent on their husbands. Girl friends, formal support groups, whatever. The fact is, our spouses may not be up to doing everything we need. It is healthy to have support outside the home so that your family isn't overburdened doing things that wear them out. If you can convince your husband that going to a support group will make it so your needs are met without burdening him and your kids, he may go along with it. If he thinks that cancer issues end when the last chemo treatment stops, maybe your doctor can talk to him about the value of support systems. You are not alone in having a spouse that doesn't or won't understand what you are going through. I hope you aren't in a dangerous situation. Mine is okay, but it gets stressful if I expect more than he can give. It seems to work better if I expect him to do the best he can and then I find the rest of what I need from others like the support group, my church, and my friends. But if he got abusive, that would be it. It's one thing when a husband can't understand the cancer experience. It's another to get mean, threatening, or physical.

Other things that seem to help chase the negative emotions away include helping others fight cancer. The Relay for Life raises money to fight cancer of all types. There are many other fund raisers as well and participating in them gives hope. Helping others get through diagnosis and treatment can also help. Doctors are still learning how to support us survivors. Daily exercise is proven to increase survival time for most kinds of cancer. It strengthens our immune system, bones, and muscles so that we naturally fight off those nasty cells, don't give them a cushy place to set up house if they try to metasticize, and impoves our current quality of life. Exercise might mean just walking around your house on bad days. It doesn't mean a marathon. Eating a balanced diet helps too. Green tea (sencha variety), a rainbow of veggies, and whole grains, fish and good oils all help too. Teaching your kids good health habits help them stay healthy while you regain your balance. It takes time to find a new normal, but it is possible. Good luck!