Input.. suggestions... delicate case here..

taleena
taleena Member Posts: 1,612 Member
edited March 2014 in Breast Cancer #1
Okay.. as you all know, I have been laid up the last couple of days after surgery. Pretty much have stayed in my room.. comfort of my own bed... sitting here, back and forth on this site... Well.. that means to my children, 15 year old son and 11 year old niece, I have been pretty much MIA.

My niece is a pretty smart girl. A little bit ago, I go into her room and see her on my sons computer and guess what site I catch her on? This one.. I asked what she was doing and she said, "Nothing" closed it and since she's not allowed on the computer without my or my husbands supervision, she quickly said "sorry aunt t". I told her it was okay..

Then I go snooping... and I find a post under "surviving caregiver" (Pumpkin was what her daddy used to call her) and she has made a post there...so I go down stairs, give her my sons computer and say go ahead.. I come up stairs and post a response to her.. and her back...

How do I handle this..with her.. I told her she could only get on from now on with me knowing... I don't know.. this is all pretty grown up stuff... and though she is 11 she seems more like 11 going on 30..

Maybe it's no sleep.. maybe it's the pain.. but bawling my eyes out! Any suggestions?

~T

Comments

  • CR1954
    CR1954 Member Posts: 1,390 Member
    #2
    Hi T........
    I just went and read the post.

    And your response to your niece is beautiful. I'm in tears.
    If I were in your shoes, while I wouldn't "encourage" her coming to this site, I think that it is very healthy for her to write her feelings down, and express how scared she is.
    And I almost sensed relief in her post after you responded.

    If you don't feel comfortable with her reading painful things, such as those here, why don't you suggest a journal. Where she can write down things that she may not necessarily want to say.

    All I can say is....what a brave young girl.

    CR
  • taleena
    taleena Member Posts: 1,612 Member
    #3
    CR1954 said:

    Hi T........
    I just went and read the post.

    And your response to your niece is beautiful. I'm in tears.
    If I were in your shoes, while I wouldn't "encourage" her coming to this site, I think that it is very healthy for her to write her feelings down, and express how scared she is.
    And I almost sensed relief in her post after you responded.

    If you don't feel comfortable with her reading painful things, such as those here, why don't you suggest a journal. Where she can write down things that she may not necessarily want to say.

    All I can say is....what a brave young girl.

    CR

    Thanks CR.. This is a tough
    Thanks CR.. This is a tough one for me. And God I know it is for her... My heart just breaks.. What I think I may let her do is go ahead and keep her post and monitor it to see if others respond to her.. She knows this is where I find strength and support.. she has heard me speak of some of you and how much it's meant to me to be able to be a part of it... I think in her own way she was reaching out for some support too..

    Do you think it would hurt to monitor it, and just let her see that others out there understand... (not allowing it to become a habit).. (but for now just a comfort) or am I really missing it here? I don't know.. This sure sucks sometimes.

    ~T
  • Noel
    Noel Member Posts: 3,095 Member
    #4
    I couldn't find your niece's
    I couldn't find your niece's post. I was looking for it, but, to no avail. I know you just had surgery and are recuperating, but, it sounds like your niece, at least, and maybe your children need, and, I say need to see their Mom and to talk to her. I know you are scared, but, think of them. They are probably terrified of losing their Mom and their Aunt. Kids are so smart, so in fear of being left alone. And, look at your niece, she already lost her Dad and her Mother actually. She is probably scared to death that she might lose you too. Please, talk to her, find the strenth to comfort her and make her feel safe. I think that is what she needs. Rather than posting on the computer, talk face to face. Try it!
  • Christmas Girl
    Christmas Girl Member Posts: 3,682 Member
    #5
    Phew, a tough one, T...
    Read your post, and hopped over to the other thread, where your "Pumpkin" started a discussion of her own... One heckuva little girl she is, very little at 11 - a young child. Even if she's 11 going on 30, she's still ONLY 11.

    Here's my idea... She's obviously very frightened about you, T. In her small world, and very limited experience, cancer = gone forever, like her dad. (So, so sorry - your brother, too.) How about a whole bunch of us BC SURVIVORS post positively to her thread. As in, "Honey, I'm fine!" etc. ...

    After that, honestly, my gut instinct tells me that you should do whatever is necessary to keep her off this site. Totally. Way too much serious - and potentially super frightening stuff - for her to handle. After her own father's illness and passing - and now living with you, and watching what you're going through, is more than enough. ESPECIALLY on other boards. The BC Board is fairly upbeat, we have our share of fun. Maybe the deal in the future would be that you occasionally share THIS board with her; i.e., the two of you together on the computer.

    But, I'd continue to try hard to monitor her independent usage of the computer, and do your best to keep her off the site if you're not sitting right next to her.

    Kind regards, Susan
  • taleena
    taleena Member Posts: 1,612 Member
    #6
    Noel said:

    I couldn't find your niece's
    I couldn't find your niece's post. I was looking for it, but, to no avail. I know you just had surgery and are recuperating, but, it sounds like your niece, at least, and maybe your children need, and, I say need to see their Mom and to talk to her. I know you are scared, but, think of them. They are probably terrified of losing their Mom and their Aunt. Kids are so smart, so in fear of being left alone. And, look at your niece, she already lost her Dad and her Mother actually. She is probably scared to death that she might lose you too. Please, talk to her, find the strenth to comfort her and make her feel safe. I think that is what she needs. Rather than posting on the computer, talk face to face. Try it!

    Thanks Noel.. I do talk to
    Thanks Noel.. I do talk to her.. and the rest..like I said it's just the last two days. I will continue talking to her too. I don't hide things from her, there is too much going on in her life right now for that. I love her very much. Just like my own. Thank you for the input. And I will continue talking to her.

    ~T
  • taleena
    taleena Member Posts: 1,612 Member
    #7
    Christmas Girl said:

    Phew, a tough one, T...
    Read your post, and hopped over to the other thread, where your "Pumpkin" started a discussion of her own... One heckuva little girl she is, very little at 11 - a young child. Even if she's 11 going on 30, she's still ONLY 11.

    Here's my idea... She's obviously very frightened about you, T. In her small world, and very limited experience, cancer = gone forever, like her dad. (So, so sorry - your brother, too.) How about a whole bunch of us BC SURVIVORS post positively to her thread. As in, "Honey, I'm fine!" etc. ...

    After that, honestly, my gut instinct tells me that you should do whatever is necessary to keep her off this site. Totally. Way too much serious - and potentially super frightening stuff - for her to handle. After her own father's illness and passing - and now living with you, and watching what you're going through, is more than enough. ESPECIALLY on other boards. The BC Board is fairly upbeat, we have our share of fun. Maybe the deal in the future would be that you occasionally share THIS board with her; i.e., the two of you together on the computer.

    But, I'd continue to try hard to monitor her independent usage of the computer, and do your best to keep her off the site if you're not sitting right next to her.

    Kind regards, Susan

    Susan.. I think that is a
    Susan.. I think that is a wonderful idea. I was so shocked to see her on the computer.. because seriously it's not allowed. Only when we are on the couch next to her.. I monitor that stuff real heavy... (pretty strict).. but this one slipped by us.

    Thanks

    ~T
  • CR1954
    CR1954 Member Posts: 1,390 Member
    #8
    T...........
    I'm no therapist, but I think that she needs a way to express her feelings.

    I agree with Susan.



    CR
  • taleena
    taleena Member Posts: 1,612 Member
    #9
    CR1954 said:

    T...........
    I'm no therapist, but I think that she needs a way to express her feelings.

    I agree with Susan.



    CR

    CR... thanks.. still bawling
    CR... thanks.. still bawling my eyes out.. because I don't know the right way to handle this... I know she comes from a family of creative people... daddy and aunts are all writers.. that's just how we communicate.. I have her in counseling.. we go every other week.. I feel like I'm failing her somehow.. she found out her dad was sick by over hearing conversation.. they didn't tell her ... she told them.. I didn't do that to her.. I talk to her.. everyday.. and even when I am feeling unsure and afraid.. I never let her see it... what she posted on that other thread, she would never say out loud.. never..It would sure be nice if someone could come up with a guide book.. I'd follow it...

    ~T
  • jnl
    jnl Member Posts: 3,869 Member
    #10
    Christmas Girl said:

    Phew, a tough one, T...
    Read your post, and hopped over to the other thread, where your "Pumpkin" started a discussion of her own... One heckuva little girl she is, very little at 11 - a young child. Even if she's 11 going on 30, she's still ONLY 11.

    Here's my idea... She's obviously very frightened about you, T. In her small world, and very limited experience, cancer = gone forever, like her dad. (So, so sorry - your brother, too.) How about a whole bunch of us BC SURVIVORS post positively to her thread. As in, "Honey, I'm fine!" etc. ...

    After that, honestly, my gut instinct tells me that you should do whatever is necessary to keep her off this site. Totally. Way too much serious - and potentially super frightening stuff - for her to handle. After her own father's illness and passing - and now living with you, and watching what you're going through, is more than enough. ESPECIALLY on other boards. The BC Board is fairly upbeat, we have our share of fun. Maybe the deal in the future would be that you occasionally share THIS board with her; i.e., the two of you together on the computer.

    But, I'd continue to try hard to monitor her independent usage of the computer, and do your best to keep her off the site if you're not sitting right next to her.

    Kind regards, Susan

    Your niece sounds very
    Your niece sounds very fragile right now and very scared. And kids now days take things very seriously and sometimes see no hope. I don't mean to scare you, but, I have seen kids like this before. I would urge you to keep an eye on her and to be sure and talk to her a lot and keep her informed of everything. Rather than posting back and forth on a computer, have her come into your room and spend time with you watching tv, reading, or just plain talking. She is calling out for help in my opinion and is desperately wanting attention and to be with you, not typing on a computer. Don't take offense at this, but, she needs you now. Good luck!
  • CR1954
    CR1954 Member Posts: 1,390 Member
    #11
    taleena said:

    CR... thanks.. still bawling
    CR... thanks.. still bawling my eyes out.. because I don't know the right way to handle this... I know she comes from a family of creative people... daddy and aunts are all writers.. that's just how we communicate.. I have her in counseling.. we go every other week.. I feel like I'm failing her somehow.. she found out her dad was sick by over hearing conversation.. they didn't tell her ... she told them.. I didn't do that to her.. I talk to her.. everyday.. and even when I am feeling unsure and afraid.. I never let her see it... what she posted on that other thread, she would never say out loud.. never..It would sure be nice if someone could come up with a guide book.. I'd follow it...

    ~T

    Oh sweetie...........
    This is such an emotional issue.

    I think that putting one's feelings into written word is so much easier than talking about them. Especially for a young girl.

    When I was 10, my dad was dx'd with incurable lung cancer. My older brother took me for a walk the day that Dad was operated on and he told me that Dad was going to die.
    He also told me that the doctors and the family did NOT want Dad to know that he would not survive, (things were handled so differently back then). He told me that no matter what, I must keep this "secret".
    Well, Dad came home from the hospital, to a hospital bed that had been placed in our living room. Weeks went by and bit by bit, his condition worsened.
    I never heard him ask, and nobody ever told him.
    But inside, keeping this secret was killing me. I remember that there were numerous times that I almost blurted out to him that he was going to die.
    I had no way to express the way I felt nor the torture that I was going through.
    I remember what every horrible day was like as he lay there, dying. And it took six months.

    I'm not sure that I could have told anyone how I felt. I NEVER DID tell anyone how I felt until years later. And then, it was only to one person, until posting this now.

    I really wish that someone had handed me a piece of paper and said ok...get it out.

    The family was all so occupied that they never thought to ask a 10 year old kid their thoughts.

    This is NOT how you have dealt with your niece! And I applaud you for being a wonderful and caring person in discussing your situation with her.
    I think that she needs a way to express DAILY what she feels. And not just when she sees her therapist, and she may also be holding back there too, if she has to talk about it.

    Why don't ypou ask her to write down her worries, leave the paper in an envelope for you to read only. Just for Aunt T to see. And then you can respond back to her in that same way. It looks to me like that's exactly what happened when she posted here, and it may be the best way for her to "talk".

    CR
  • taleena
    taleena Member Posts: 1,612 Member
    #12
    CR1954 said:

    Oh sweetie...........
    This is such an emotional issue.

    I think that putting one's feelings into written word is so much easier than talking about them. Especially for a young girl.

    When I was 10, my dad was dx'd with incurable lung cancer. My older brother took me for a walk the day that Dad was operated on and he told me that Dad was going to die.
    He also told me that the doctors and the family did NOT want Dad to know that he would not survive, (things were handled so differently back then). He told me that no matter what, I must keep this "secret".
    Well, Dad came home from the hospital, to a hospital bed that had been placed in our living room. Weeks went by and bit by bit, his condition worsened.
    I never heard him ask, and nobody ever told him.
    But inside, keeping this secret was killing me. I remember that there were numerous times that I almost blurted out to him that he was going to die.
    I had no way to express the way I felt nor the torture that I was going through.
    I remember what every horrible day was like as he lay there, dying. And it took six months.

    I'm not sure that I could have told anyone how I felt. I NEVER DID tell anyone how I felt until years later. And then, it was only to one person, until posting this now.

    I really wish that someone had handed me a piece of paper and said ok...get it out.

    The family was all so occupied that they never thought to ask a 10 year old kid their thoughts.

    This is NOT how you have dealt with your niece! And I applaud you for being a wonderful and caring person in discussing your situation with her.
    I think that she needs a way to express DAILY what she feels. And not just when she sees her therapist, and she may also be holding back there too, if she has to talk about it.

    Why don't ypou ask her to write down her worries, leave the paper in an envelope for you to read only. Just for Aunt T to see. And then you can respond back to her in that same way. It looks to me like that's exactly what happened when she posted here, and it may be the best way for her to "talk".

    CR

    CR.. okay.. your 10 years
    CR.. okay.. your 10 years old again.. can you see your self?.. I'm here.. and I am giving you a great big hug for such an oh so brave little girl. I can't imagine what it must have been like for you.. just as I don't know what it's like to be 10 and lose your daddy.. I lost my father but I was an adult..it is so different... I don't know what it's like for her either.. I know it must be very hard. I really like your envelope idea.. I think we will try that one.. she did tell me that it was easier to say to me typing than in person.. so I think we will try passing notes for awhile... thank you soooo much.. this has been tough..

    ~T
  • Christmas Girl
    Christmas Girl Member Posts: 3,682 Member
    #13
    taleena said:

    Susan.. I think that is a
    Susan.. I think that is a wonderful idea. I was so shocked to see her on the computer.. because seriously it's not allowed. Only when we are on the couch next to her.. I monitor that stuff real heavy... (pretty strict).. but this one slipped by us.

    Thanks

    ~T

    T - I just posted to Liz...
    I like the ideas of others here... Maybe a private journal for her, you could shop for it together (Retail Therapy). And, since "writing" is a family thing - passing little notes back and forth, too. Again, you could shop together for cute stationery, notepads, etc. (pink?). Make it kinda special, just between the two of you.

    Kind regards, Susan
  • Kat11
    Kat11 Member Posts: 1,931 Member
    #14
    taleena said:

    CR.. okay.. your 10 years
    CR.. okay.. your 10 years old again.. can you see your self?.. I'm here.. and I am giving you a great big hug for such an oh so brave little girl. I can't imagine what it must have been like for you.. just as I don't know what it's like to be 10 and lose your daddy.. I lost my father but I was an adult..it is so different... I don't know what it's like for her either.. I know it must be very hard. I really like your envelope idea.. I think we will try that one.. she did tell me that it was easier to say to me typing than in person.. so I think we will try passing notes for awhile... thank you soooo much.. this has been tough..

    ~T

    Teleena
    I can not find the post, not sure why. A year ago December my 12 year old nephew called me at 5 am. He said I think something is wrong with my dad. I ask why, he said I heard a loud noise in the bathroom and he is not answering. I told him to call 911 and my husband and I were on our way. We don't live far from them. When we arrived the police were there and we were there before the paramedics. My nephew and I were sitting together on the hall stairs just waiting for some news. The paramedics came and left. As they were leaving without my brother in law one of the paramedics mouth the word I"m sorry to me. OMG did not know what to say or do. I said to my nephew who has no idea that his dad is gone, I said let's give all the people here some space and I took him out of there. To make a horrible story short. We went to the community for help. There is free services out there for her to be with other children who have lost a loved one. This was the best thing we could have done for my nephew. Today he is doing well. Has not forgotton, but he is ok and is dealing with his loss as a child should.It's very hard to deal with a child grieving,when you are alao greiving. As far as this site for her, I don't think it's a good idea. Sometimes as you know we have both me scared with information that posts on this site because we don't understand it. I think she will not be able to handle it, but is in need to talk to others, this may not be you do to the fact you are to close to her. Talking to other children in there own words was a great help for him. Good luck none of this is easy.

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