Go in for one problem and come out with the possibility of a bigger problem, sigh.
Went in for a CT to make sure my kidney stone was still there before tomorrow's surgery to yank it out of my bladder and when the surgeon came out to tell me if the surgery was still a go due to the findings on the CT - surprise, while the radiologist was looking at the CT he found a lesion on my right ovary. Well isn't that special. I am in total shock.
Ya I know, don't jump to conclusions but with my history it's a scarey thing. When I got home from the hospital for the CT the phones were ringing because the surgeon had already got to my GP and she wanted to make sure I came in for my scheduled appointment in 10 days to go over it all.
Yet another specialist to add to the list and what will result, who knows. Well an 18 year run NED was a good one anywho. No, I haven't given up, I don't think? Nah, it's not in me to give up - just sure has been alot.
Going to lie down for a bit now, I really do think I am still in shock. Talk later. Had to get this out. What a difference a day makes. Blessings, Blueroses.
Comments
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Hang in there
Think Positive and try not to think about it... YEAH RIGHT, what am I talking about, go ahead and obscess and scream and cry and get it out now. You will feel better once you do. Lets all hope and pray its Endometreosis or some sort of fibroid cyst..... Please keep me / us posted.
hugs
Sirena0 -
ThanksSIRENAF42 said:Hang in there
Think Positive and try not to think about it... YEAH RIGHT, what am I talking about, go ahead and obscess and scream and cry and get it out now. You will feel better once you do. Lets all hope and pray its Endometreosis or some sort of fibroid cyst..... Please keep me / us posted.
hugs
Sirena
Yup I am trying to remain optimistic but with my history it's scarey for sure. I was supposed to go in for a surgery tomorrow but a couple of hours I had to cancel it for now because of all the inconsistancies and contradictions I have had from the urology office which finally ended with them telling me I was getting a stronger anaesthetic than I had been told I was getting by my Urologist. That was the last straw and I cancelled the retrieval of the kidney stone for now. No idea what will happen with that now but I had lost faith in the surgery and I am not going under feeling like that.
I will let you know what happens Sirena, thanks for the encouragement. Hugs, Blueroses0 -
Hi Blueblueroses said:Thanks
Yup I am trying to remain optimistic but with my history it's scarey for sure. I was supposed to go in for a surgery tomorrow but a couple of hours I had to cancel it for now because of all the inconsistancies and contradictions I have had from the urology office which finally ended with them telling me I was getting a stronger anaesthetic than I had been told I was getting by my Urologist. That was the last straw and I cancelled the retrieval of the kidney stone for now. No idea what will happen with that now but I had lost faith in the surgery and I am not going under feeling like that.
I will let you know what happens Sirena, thanks for the encouragement. Hugs, Blueroses
I am sorry about the mess Blue. Its another one of those deals where you want to drag 5 doctors into a room and grab them by the neck. And your right. When it gets to that point its time to sit back and not allow someone to screw you up worse. I hope your GP can sort things out as you have worked so hard just to get to this point. I am not going to tell you not to worry about the ovarian lesion because you are going to anyway. All I can say is that I have had all sorts of false readings just because I wrote cancer on the medical forms. Everyone has to cover their butts now days. It could be you had a gum wrapper in your pants pocket or the magnetic strip on the credit card that you tend to lose. Ahhh Blue I am just trying to make you laugh! Ya know I love ya. Slickwilly0 -
Hey Slicksterslickwilly said:Hi Blue
I am sorry about the mess Blue. Its another one of those deals where you want to drag 5 doctors into a room and grab them by the neck. And your right. When it gets to that point its time to sit back and not allow someone to screw you up worse. I hope your GP can sort things out as you have worked so hard just to get to this point. I am not going to tell you not to worry about the ovarian lesion because you are going to anyway. All I can say is that I have had all sorts of false readings just because I wrote cancer on the medical forms. Everyone has to cover their butts now days. It could be you had a gum wrapper in your pants pocket or the magnetic strip on the credit card that you tend to lose. Ahhh Blue I am just trying to make you laugh! Ya know I love ya. Slickwilly
Thanks for the concern and know that you can make me laugh, even at times like this so thanks for that too.
It was driven home to me again, after reading your post here, how important this site really is to cancer survivors because all the things you said reeked of having been there and that of course is the beauty of this site - everyone has been there and totally understands.
Here I sit at 4am having woken up at 3 immediately thrust into my situation in my mind. When the office opens at 8:30 I will have to cancel my volunteers who were supposed to help me with the surgery trip and after that I will have to call my GP's office again and ask her to get me a new Urologist and the second opinion. I don't know if I mentioned this in my earlier post but yesterday when I went in for a quick CT to verify the stone was still there the surgeon told me that the radiologist who found the lesion on my ovary said that the radiologist brought up my last CT and there was the lesion then but they MISSED IT. Now it's twice the size. Gee thanks. That wasn't a confidence building moment I can tell you.
Urgency is of the essence in finding out what the heck this thing is and my GP has already got me a Gyno but now I have to ask for a new Urologist and it's alot to handle.
My positivity and strength and faith has gotten me through tough places before but the pain in my lower back that is doubtlessly from the lesion we figured out today is a constant reminder that this needs to be handled now - the pain is like a ticking clock for some reason.
I am not getting ahead of myself in it all but my confidence fluctuates from 'it's probably scar tissue from past surgeries' perhaps to "I'm screwed" - you know how it goes.
Anywho thanks for the encouragement, you always know exactly what to say.
Hope this reply finds you having a better day than the last. Blessings, Blueroses.0 -
No advice, just a BIG HUG (((((((Blueroses))))))))blueroses said:Hey Slickster
Thanks for the concern and know that you can make me laugh, even at times like this so thanks for that too.
It was driven home to me again, after reading your post here, how important this site really is to cancer survivors because all the things you said reeked of having been there and that of course is the beauty of this site - everyone has been there and totally understands.
Here I sit at 4am having woken up at 3 immediately thrust into my situation in my mind. When the office opens at 8:30 I will have to cancel my volunteers who were supposed to help me with the surgery trip and after that I will have to call my GP's office again and ask her to get me a new Urologist and the second opinion. I don't know if I mentioned this in my earlier post but yesterday when I went in for a quick CT to verify the stone was still there the surgeon told me that the radiologist who found the lesion on my ovary said that the radiologist brought up my last CT and there was the lesion then but they MISSED IT. Now it's twice the size. Gee thanks. That wasn't a confidence building moment I can tell you.
Urgency is of the essence in finding out what the heck this thing is and my GP has already got me a Gyno but now I have to ask for a new Urologist and it's alot to handle.
My positivity and strength and faith has gotten me through tough places before but the pain in my lower back that is doubtlessly from the lesion we figured out today is a constant reminder that this needs to be handled now - the pain is like a ticking clock for some reason.
I am not getting ahead of myself in it all but my confidence fluctuates from 'it's probably scar tissue from past surgeries' perhaps to "I'm screwed" - you know how it goes.
Anywho thanks for the encouragement, you always know exactly what to say.
Hope this reply finds you having a better day than the last. Blessings, Blueroses.
I have nothing really to add, but couldn't not at least post a HUG! In my prayers!0 -
Oh, Bluelindaprocopio said:No advice, just a BIG HUG (((((((Blueroses))))))))
I have nothing really to add, but couldn't not at least post a HUG! In my prayers!
I am so sorry that you have yet another hurdle to go through; of all people, you deserve a break! Obviously, you are in my prayers. If it weren't for your help, I would probably still be a total mess.
Know that I love you and I am in your corner. Please don't forget about your special saint; she is a miracle worker!!
With so much love,
Holly0 -
Thanks Lindalindaprocopio said:No advice, just a BIG HUG (((((((Blueroses))))))))
I have nothing really to add, but couldn't not at least post a HUG! In my prayers!
I called my GP today to see if we could give me a call as I had to cancel my surgery today due to all kinds of information inconsistancies and between that and the
emergence of this lesion on my ovary I felt pretty devastated when her nurse called and
said that she would just see me when I come in in 10 days. Gee thanks. I have known her
for 23 years and I have notice that she has changed quite a bit while I was away the last
9 years - just doesnt seem as proactive. I have always been able to look to her for guidance and support and quick action and this is shaking my confidence. I am trying to stay positive but I have also developed pain in my low back which a doctor feels is the
ovary issue and I get nauseous as well - all very new. To add to the worry they missed this lesion on a CT I had months ago and it was there then when compared, I forget if I mentioned that before. So tonight I am up after midnight, unable to sleep with not knowing what to do next to help myself. I think I might go to the E.R. because of the pain in my back and they then will be able to call up the CT's and see what I am dealing with.
The really scarey thing is that I am on daily morphine for my other back issues and that isn't stopping this pain which is weird and a little disturbing.
Anywho I will push on, I always do, but I won't lie I am scared.
Thanks again for the hug Linda. I am still holding a good thought that it may just be a cyst or something but I think the radiologist would know the difference between that and a lesion. I didn't have any surgeries on my ovaries but I did go through the test tube baby program years ago and did have my tubes tied so I am hoping some sloppy surgeon left a bit of a scar and it's just tissue.
Now starts all the waits. Trying to dig deep for strength.
Take care Linda. Blueroses.0 -
Hey Holly - One Miracle Already from you know who !!!!!hollyberry said:Oh, Blue
I am so sorry that you have yet another hurdle to go through; of all people, you deserve a break! Obviously, you are in my prayers. If it weren't for your help, I would probably still be a total mess.
Know that I love you and I am in your corner. Please don't forget about your special saint; she is a miracle worker!!
With so much love,
Holly
Thanks Holly for your support. Oh yes I have contaced The Sisters of Providence and my favourite Sister and she has gotten back to me twice. She said she is glad to hear that I am standing up for myself when I see things aren't right in the system because I had to cancel my surgery today due to screwups in all kinds of areas of my care and the mixup about the anaesthetic was the last straw. Anywho I was glad to hear my Sister mention that strength that she saw in me, that did me some good.
You mentioned Saint Mother Theodora Guerin as being a miracle worker and she has already come through for me in a way I believe. I had her relic card the Sisters sent me when I was on the CT table before they found the lesion, I always take it with me for tests, and I truly believe that if I hadn't had that kidney stone sticking around then they wouldn't have done this CT to look at it again and wouldn't have seen the lesion on my ovary. Coincidence? I know it isn't. Also too the surgeon said the radiologist missed the lesion on the CT before this one so it has been there for several months and who knows how much longer before that? This is why I am so worried - because of the length of time it has been there and now it hurts. I might take this to the ER tomorrow morning and see if I can get quicker action that way. I will see how I feel because I am not feeling well right now at all.
Love ya back and thanks for your prayers and support. Hope all is well with you and yours and you continue to feel better. Hey how was Vegas? Love, Blueroses0 -
The spot that wasn't.
Blue,
The first time I was x-rayed following my diagnosis, they found a spot on my lung that they assumed was metatises of my primary tumor. They learned latter that it was a speck of dust on the equipment. For years, I have tested, either above or on the high side of normal on one specific tumor marker. I have polyps removed with each colonoscopy. Yet, I am still alive. These things happen and they are as scary as hell, especially for "us", but spots, lesions, cysts, and false positives do not a diagnosis make, they serve to keep us armed and vigilant for "the enemy" that is ever present in out minds.
Rest, and then say, "WTF!" and do something good for yourself.
Love and Courage!
Rick0 -
Hey Ricksterterato said:The spot that wasn't.
Blue,
The first time I was x-rayed following my diagnosis, they found a spot on my lung that they assumed was metatises of my primary tumor. They learned latter that it was a speck of dust on the equipment. For years, I have tested, either above or on the high side of normal on one specific tumor marker. I have polyps removed with each colonoscopy. Yet, I am still alive. These things happen and they are as scary as hell, especially for "us", but spots, lesions, cysts, and false positives do not a diagnosis make, they serve to keep us armed and vigilant for "the enemy" that is ever present in out minds.
Rest, and then say, "WTF!" and do something good for yourself.
Love and Courage!
Rick
Funny you should say that about the dust fleck. When I was in a week ago doing xrays for my surgeon before my kidney stone surgery I was on the xray table ( so comfy - not, lol) and when I was looking at the little light in the tiny field lens a big piece of dust landed right in the middle of it, on the inside of the glass. I mentioned this to the tech and she said 'that SHOULDN'T be a problem', sigh. Gives you great confidence.
However this was a different CT and the one before showed the lesion too but it was missed in reporting. So that thing has probably been there for at least a year. Man all the times I go to the dang docs and all the tests I have and THEY miss something. They have tunnel vision I know, they are looking for the kidney stone and even if the ovaries are in the CT they are only looking at the urinary system. With a history like mine, HELLO LOOK AROUND. SIGH.
The reason I am worried is because there is pain now, bottom of my back and it's like a female period pain which makes sense cause this thing is on my ovary.
I am considering going into Emergency first thing Monday morning because on the weekend there are only residents there and, well you get the drift. I want to get a gyno to come down and look at the CT's which they can access at any of our hospitals. The best way to be taken super seriously is to go in by ambulance and after I just go into the ER, try that route first, if I get no satisfaction and an in to a gyno then I will go in by ambulance the next day and see if that works in getting me seriously looked at.
Something I just realized the other night is that this low back pain, not the one because of the lesion, but because of my back issues that started 5 years ago produced word of a 'blur' that the radiologist wasnt sure of, like a bulge. They labelled it arthritis but now I am wondering if something might be getting bigger and actually looking like it's on the ovary but is actually between it and the spine. I will mention it anywho.
I had gone through the test tube baby program in the 80ties and they did egg retrieval and not sure how they snapped up the eggs but if they went through the ovary that might have left scar tissue but sounds like it got bigger which is what scares me.
Anywho I could 'if' myself into oblivion so I will try not to but it isn't easy as you well know. The constant 24/7 pain is keeping me thinking about it, can't take my mind off it cause the pain is a constant reminder. You know what though? I was saying this to someone else here earlier, if I hadn't had that kidney attack they still wouldn't have seen the lesion. Coinkidink? I think not.
Thanks for the encouragement Rick, you are right. Hugs, Blueroses0 -
no pep talkblueroses said:Hey Rickster
Funny you should say that about the dust fleck. When I was in a week ago doing xrays for my surgeon before my kidney stone surgery I was on the xray table ( so comfy - not, lol) and when I was looking at the little light in the tiny field lens a big piece of dust landed right in the middle of it, on the inside of the glass. I mentioned this to the tech and she said 'that SHOULDN'T be a problem', sigh. Gives you great confidence.
However this was a different CT and the one before showed the lesion too but it was missed in reporting. So that thing has probably been there for at least a year. Man all the times I go to the dang docs and all the tests I have and THEY miss something. They have tunnel vision I know, they are looking for the kidney stone and even if the ovaries are in the CT they are only looking at the urinary system. With a history like mine, HELLO LOOK AROUND. SIGH.
The reason I am worried is because there is pain now, bottom of my back and it's like a female period pain which makes sense cause this thing is on my ovary.
I am considering going into Emergency first thing Monday morning because on the weekend there are only residents there and, well you get the drift. I want to get a gyno to come down and look at the CT's which they can access at any of our hospitals. The best way to be taken super seriously is to go in by ambulance and after I just go into the ER, try that route first, if I get no satisfaction and an in to a gyno then I will go in by ambulance the next day and see if that works in getting me seriously looked at.
Something I just realized the other night is that this low back pain, not the one because of the lesion, but because of my back issues that started 5 years ago produced word of a 'blur' that the radiologist wasnt sure of, like a bulge. They labelled it arthritis but now I am wondering if something might be getting bigger and actually looking like it's on the ovary but is actually between it and the spine. I will mention it anywho.
I had gone through the test tube baby program in the 80ties and they did egg retrieval and not sure how they snapped up the eggs but if they went through the ovary that might have left scar tissue but sounds like it got bigger which is what scares me.
Anywho I could 'if' myself into oblivion so I will try not to but it isn't easy as you well know. The constant 24/7 pain is keeping me thinking about it, can't take my mind off it cause the pain is a constant reminder. You know what though? I was saying this to someone else here earlier, if I hadn't had that kidney attack they still wouldn't have seen the lesion. Coinkidink? I think not.
Thanks for the encouragement Rick, you are right. Hugs, Blueroses
Blue. I am sorry about the constant pain and that alone should be enough to get someone to take a serious look at you. If it takes an ambulance ride to the ER to speed things up then have at it. As a local indian resident "running dummy" once said "another bottle of wine is only good if you can still read your playing cards". In other words you might want to quit the pain killers for a bit so you know exactly where all your pain is at. It would also give you a great attitude in the ER. And yes "running dummy" was a real indian on the local reservation. I could of used a quote from "daadoo" who was out smelt netting with us. He ran down the middle of the creek yelling "50 million fish gone raided up a tree". He was a bit crazy because he got kicked in the head by a mule. But I am starting to understand what he meant now after dealing with doctors and hospitals. A crazy fish in a tree is no dang good to anyone. We can have pictures, pain and symptoms but they don't do much good if nobody takes a look at them. Sometimes we just need a doctor that will go the distance for us. Before everyone thinks I have gone crazy I might as well say my parents owned a store in the middle of a reservation. It was rather fun at times. Blessings Slickwilly0 -
Hahahahahahahahahaslickwilly said:no pep talk
Blue. I am sorry about the constant pain and that alone should be enough to get someone to take a serious look at you. If it takes an ambulance ride to the ER to speed things up then have at it. As a local indian resident "running dummy" once said "another bottle of wine is only good if you can still read your playing cards". In other words you might want to quit the pain killers for a bit so you know exactly where all your pain is at. It would also give you a great attitude in the ER. And yes "running dummy" was a real indian on the local reservation. I could of used a quote from "daadoo" who was out smelt netting with us. He ran down the middle of the creek yelling "50 million fish gone raided up a tree". He was a bit crazy because he got kicked in the head by a mule. But I am starting to understand what he meant now after dealing with doctors and hospitals. A crazy fish in a tree is no dang good to anyone. We can have pictures, pain and symptoms but they don't do much good if nobody takes a look at them. Sometimes we just need a doctor that will go the distance for us. Before everyone thinks I have gone crazy I might as well say my parents owned a store in the middle of a reservation. It was rather fun at times. Blessings Slickwilly
Oh brother Slickster I just about split my side laughing at this response to my situation. I don't think I have ever had a response that had the words 'crazy fish', 'daadoo', and 'running dummy' in it - go figure, guess I just haven't lived right. lol. Hysterical. And I must say it's no small miracle making me laugh right now so thanks for that Mr. Mircacle Worker type dude. lol.
You are right about the pain being enough to get someone to take a real good look at me and I am going to go to the ER on Monday because like I said in another post here no use going in and being seen by green residents with no specialists on duty on the weekend. I am going in hopes of being referred to a gyno in the hospital right away, get them to come down and have a look at the CT's. The scariest part of this is that the urologist told me that when they did the CT, at the ER in another hospital before this last one, this missed that lesion so that was like 5 months ago and how long was it there before that and the last CT before that one? Man I am in so many docs offices and have so many tests how could they have missed this?
I am still holding out hope that it is just a cyst like Rick said or maybe even scar tissue from one of my many procedures, that is the only thing that is keeping me from jumping off my balcony but not to worry I wouldn't do that because I am just on the 9th floor and just my luck I would just break something and be in even more pain. lol.
If it weren't for the friggin pain I could forget all of this for an hour here and there but it's pretty constant although today the extra morphine either masked it well for awhile or it waned on its own, pretty sure it was the morphine though.
It was so funny when I was reading your response because you said 'yes running dummy' was the guys actual name because I was thinking 'is that a real guy?' at that exact moment. lol. What a riot. Wonder how his self esteem was with a name like that, poor guy.
Only one more day til I drag my butt to the E.R. and I plan to go pretty early so that I have the best chance of avoiding too many. I do have a referral to a gyno through my GP as I called her office and asked her to get one started but since I can't get in to see my GP for just over another week what with the pain I am experiencing I have to have it looked at now. I am hoping that when they see the CT's and I point out the lesion was missed on the one before that they will jump into testing and a referral quicker. Maybe I am dreaming in this hectic health environment these days but I am praying that that is what will happen. If they do nothing then I will go in by ambulance the next day - that should wake them up.
Anywho thanks for the encouragement and the hilarious post, you are good medicine my friend. Running dummy, hahahahhahaha. Hugs, Blueroses0 -
Why I posted this topicblueroses said:Hahahahahahahahaha
Oh brother Slickster I just about split my side laughing at this response to my situation. I don't think I have ever had a response that had the words 'crazy fish', 'daadoo', and 'running dummy' in it - go figure, guess I just haven't lived right. lol. Hysterical. And I must say it's no small miracle making me laugh right now so thanks for that Mr. Mircacle Worker type dude. lol.
You are right about the pain being enough to get someone to take a real good look at me and I am going to go to the ER on Monday because like I said in another post here no use going in and being seen by green residents with no specialists on duty on the weekend. I am going in hopes of being referred to a gyno in the hospital right away, get them to come down and have a look at the CT's. The scariest part of this is that the urologist told me that when they did the CT, at the ER in another hospital before this last one, this missed that lesion so that was like 5 months ago and how long was it there before that and the last CT before that one? Man I am in so many docs offices and have so many tests how could they have missed this?
I am still holding out hope that it is just a cyst like Rick said or maybe even scar tissue from one of my many procedures, that is the only thing that is keeping me from jumping off my balcony but not to worry I wouldn't do that because I am just on the 9th floor and just my luck I would just break something and be in even more pain. lol.
If it weren't for the friggin pain I could forget all of this for an hour here and there but it's pretty constant although today the extra morphine either masked it well for awhile or it waned on its own, pretty sure it was the morphine though.
It was so funny when I was reading your response because you said 'yes running dummy' was the guys actual name because I was thinking 'is that a real guy?' at that exact moment. lol. What a riot. Wonder how his self esteem was with a name like that, poor guy.
Only one more day til I drag my butt to the E.R. and I plan to go pretty early so that I have the best chance of avoiding too many. I do have a referral to a gyno through my GP as I called her office and asked her to get one started but since I can't get in to see my GP for just over another week what with the pain I am experiencing I have to have it looked at now. I am hoping that when they see the CT's and I point out the lesion was missed on the one before that they will jump into testing and a referral quicker. Maybe I am dreaming in this hectic health environment these days but I am praying that that is what will happen. If they do nothing then I will go in by ambulance the next day - that should wake them up.
Anywho thanks for the encouragement and the hilarious post, you are good medicine my friend. Running dummy, hahahahhahaha. Hugs, Blueroses
The reason I posted this topic, about what I have been going through recently, is because I know this topic is all too common to many survivors - the shock of something found on a simple test while looking for something else or just going for a simple checkup and the same thing occurs. I have never really been worried about recurrance as many of you know because I had some intervention that helped me past that from the getgo and who knows but if this lesion turns out to be 'you know what' (don't want to say it for Karmic reasons), the idea of going through all the stages after diagnosis is so hard to even fathom.
I am trying hard not to get ahead of myself, as we all do when faced with a medical surprise of the nasty kind, but it sure is hard to block. I am up at 5am this morning and about one minute after my eyes opened the thoughts and memories of my last bout with 'it' came flooding back. Not necessarily the worst parts just flashes of the life altering day to day that we all know all too well. That's what great about this site - you don't have to explain that kind of thing - we just all know where each other is coming from because we have all been there at one time or another in most things linked to this illness.
Tomorrow I will start pushing the docs to get me looked at right away and that will take energy but at least I will feel as if I am moving ahead. As you all have realized being proactive in your own care could mean the difference between a good outcome and not so much. Still, even with having constructive thoughts like that, the memories of when I was in treatment keep popping into my head - can't shut them off. I am still very hopeful that it will only prove to be a cyst and all is benign and I have to say I don't have that 'lightning bolt' feeling that many patients/survivors know when we first find that lump or get that 'feeling' that it is not good. I'm sure you know what I mean. I am not getting that feeling and I find that hopeful.
I was telling someone in the chatroom though about any interesting experience I had on the way to the CT scan on Thursday, still innocent and not told yet of the lesion which would appear on the CT scan only 2 hours away at that point. I was in the taxi on the way to the hospital to have the scan and all of a sudden I became aware of almost every sense - very strongly. The windows of the cab were open and I smelled SO STRONGLY freshly mown grass and I even commented to the driver how wonderful that smelled. Then not a minute later I heard a bird singing and it seemed so loud and clear to me and I remember thinking why am I hearing this so clearly - it seemed odd even then - why would it seem so unusual to hear a bird sing all of a sudden? Then I noticed, and this is all within a say 5 minute period of time in the cab, bushes of lilacs (my favourite flower)and that was even unusual as it is late here for lilacs, they should have been gone by now. I wonder if, in some way, my senses were heightened as a buffer for the shock that was to come only minutes down the road. Things like that make me wonder. Any of you ever linked this kind of thing to moments in your life? Just a sudden awareness of something that preceeded something unusual? Just wondering.
Anywho guess I had better go and start my day. I have been sleeping in strange patterns but I am just going with the flow and napping when I can, that's the least of the worries right now.
Hope you all have a great day and truly hope that your day is better than the one before. Blessings, Blueroses.0 -
Hi Blueblueroses said:Why I posted this topic
The reason I posted this topic, about what I have been going through recently, is because I know this topic is all too common to many survivors - the shock of something found on a simple test while looking for something else or just going for a simple checkup and the same thing occurs. I have never really been worried about recurrance as many of you know because I had some intervention that helped me past that from the getgo and who knows but if this lesion turns out to be 'you know what' (don't want to say it for Karmic reasons), the idea of going through all the stages after diagnosis is so hard to even fathom.
I am trying hard not to get ahead of myself, as we all do when faced with a medical surprise of the nasty kind, but it sure is hard to block. I am up at 5am this morning and about one minute after my eyes opened the thoughts and memories of my last bout with 'it' came flooding back. Not necessarily the worst parts just flashes of the life altering day to day that we all know all too well. That's what great about this site - you don't have to explain that kind of thing - we just all know where each other is coming from because we have all been there at one time or another in most things linked to this illness.
Tomorrow I will start pushing the docs to get me looked at right away and that will take energy but at least I will feel as if I am moving ahead. As you all have realized being proactive in your own care could mean the difference between a good outcome and not so much. Still, even with having constructive thoughts like that, the memories of when I was in treatment keep popping into my head - can't shut them off. I am still very hopeful that it will only prove to be a cyst and all is benign and I have to say I don't have that 'lightning bolt' feeling that many patients/survivors know when we first find that lump or get that 'feeling' that it is not good. I'm sure you know what I mean. I am not getting that feeling and I find that hopeful.
I was telling someone in the chatroom though about any interesting experience I had on the way to the CT scan on Thursday, still innocent and not told yet of the lesion which would appear on the CT scan only 2 hours away at that point. I was in the taxi on the way to the hospital to have the scan and all of a sudden I became aware of almost every sense - very strongly. The windows of the cab were open and I smelled SO STRONGLY freshly mown grass and I even commented to the driver how wonderful that smelled. Then not a minute later I heard a bird singing and it seemed so loud and clear to me and I remember thinking why am I hearing this so clearly - it seemed odd even then - why would it seem so unusual to hear a bird sing all of a sudden? Then I noticed, and this is all within a say 5 minute period of time in the cab, bushes of lilacs (my favourite flower)and that was even unusual as it is late here for lilacs, they should have been gone by now. I wonder if, in some way, my senses were heightened as a buffer for the shock that was to come only minutes down the road. Things like that make me wonder. Any of you ever linked this kind of thing to moments in your life? Just a sudden awareness of something that preceeded something unusual? Just wondering.
Anywho guess I had better go and start my day. I have been sleeping in strange patterns but I am just going with the flow and napping when I can, that's the least of the worries right now.
Hope you all have a great day and truly hope that your day is better than the one before. Blessings, Blueroses.
Glad I made you laugh yesterday. And I have lived a pretty funny life at times. I would suspect that sudden awareness goes right along with stress. The anxiety of going to another hospital appointment or seeing another doctor. When I was racing snowmobiles everything would go by in a flash until I was about to be involved in an accident. Then everything slowed down so much that I could remember each reaction I made, the crash and flying through the air. My mind was making split second decisions but everything seemed to be in slow motion. After hitting a sled in a corner I remember flying through the air and thinking "this is gonna hurt when I land". It did! But it is amazing how the brain can increase speed, sensitivity or completly block things out to protect us. I was in a freezer with an electric palet jack. I backed myself into a corner and ran 1500 pounds of meat up onto my foot and heard the bones crunching. My eyes blacked out and my ears were ringing. But my brain kept telling me to move the palet jack or I would proubly freeze to death. So I drove it back off my foot and eventually got my sight and hearing back. The pain didn't hit until an hour later and then I limped around for a month. That is my twist on this subject Blue. Maby someone else has other ideas. Either way our brain is a pretty amazing thing. Slickwilly0 -
Great Observationslickwilly said:Hi Blue
Glad I made you laugh yesterday. And I have lived a pretty funny life at times. I would suspect that sudden awareness goes right along with stress. The anxiety of going to another hospital appointment or seeing another doctor. When I was racing snowmobiles everything would go by in a flash until I was about to be involved in an accident. Then everything slowed down so much that I could remember each reaction I made, the crash and flying through the air. My mind was making split second decisions but everything seemed to be in slow motion. After hitting a sled in a corner I remember flying through the air and thinking "this is gonna hurt when I land". It did! But it is amazing how the brain can increase speed, sensitivity or completly block things out to protect us. I was in a freezer with an electric palet jack. I backed myself into a corner and ran 1500 pounds of meat up onto my foot and heard the bones crunching. My eyes blacked out and my ears were ringing. But my brain kept telling me to move the palet jack or I would proubly freeze to death. So I drove it back off my foot and eventually got my sight and hearing back. The pain didn't hit until an hour later and then I limped around for a month. That is my twist on this subject Blue. Maby someone else has other ideas. Either way our brain is a pretty amazing thing. Slickwilly
Yup the old grey matter really knows how to handle trauma situations alright, it's so true. I remember when I saw a trauma scene while driving a car back about 10 years everything did that slow down thing, all was in slow motion, and I realized the next day that I had no memory of the drive from there of where I was going or the ride home afterwards. The mind does a quick priority shuffle and deadens all the senses that aren't directly needed to survivor the trauma moment. It slows things down in our perception to force us to be able to, like I said, concentrate on what is crucial to our survival - so fascinating. That actually can be part of PTSD if the trauma scene is too severe and affects us too greatly.
The human mind is an amazing thing alright, protecting us from what just has occured and quite possibly for what lies ahead. I have always been a believer in that last one too. I don't think that we consciously recognize what the mind fully knows and how it prepares us for things to come. Sounds like a good lead in to a Twilight Zone episode doesn't it? lol.
"This is gonna hurt when I land." And it did. lol. Too funny.
Thanks for the post. Great observation. Blueroses0
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