mom had long battle with squamous cell carcinoma now gone and i need to vent and need support

didnt know where to turn to but am having some hard times without my mom best friend.

Sadly she died on Aug 18th from Squamous stage 4 cancer at the young age of 58.
In Feb 07 she was diagnosed with T2N2CMo stage IV cancer went through extensive radiation she was severly burned after 6 wks of treatments and we had to stop she ended up in hospital with a infection/rash 2nd degree burns. My mom went from weighing 160 down to 80lbs in less then a yr. She was always so sad at how she looked especially near the end. On oct 07 she had major surgery bilateral neck dissection with partial larnygectomy. She had tarche tube for about 2-3 months then. That was absolutely horrible i dont wish that surgey on anyone. The gtube feedings for 11months, she was able to eat by mouth for i think 2 months out of that time frame and it was the best thing for her at the time. The dry mouth and the sores, the 10 differnt medicines all got to be too much for her in the end. Mom was so worried about losing her voicebox that they told her they would do everything to save it. Well they only took out the top and said they were positive they got all the cancer after removing ALL lympth nodes. (i swear they should have removed it all and it never would of came back) Well in Jan 08 cancer came back and had metasisided to both lungs NSCLC. They were going to keep an eye because it was to soon to do treatments and she wasnt able to have anymore raditation to much scar tissue and she wasnt helaed yet form surgery. so in April 08 we tried taxotere chemo was having hard time breathing had to put trache tube back in (the edema(swelling) of her face got to be so bad at days that she couldnt ven open her eyes she looked like elephant woman. in June 08 pet showed chemo wasnt working stop all treatments. She was a fighter and tried really hard for me and my sister to survive and beat this.
My father died when we were just 10 yrs old so it was always mom and my sister.
My mom went through alot in just that short time It was alot of hospital stays back and forth doctors numerous treatments but I was always there with her right till the last morning. On Aug 15th she said she was tired and couldnt do it anymore was sick of cleaning trache and giving her meds. and wanted to go to nursing home she said she didnt want to be left alone anymore we tried to keep her at home we had schedule worked out with hospice and friends family but she thought she would feel better at a home so we checked her in she was fine no trouble at all just feeling weak but was able to walk talk, shower, go to bathroom etcc all by herself. She hated the way she looked because of the edema she stopped going out of the house. They say that was caused due to the surgery that her ciculation was poor. and the cancer was swelling inside cutting it off once it went up to brain and tried to come back donw it couldnt . Up until saturday the 16th noone knows what happend that day because sadly we wernt able to be there my kids had a race that day and my sister was at a wedding but moms bestfriend was suppose to go and she ended up in hospital with chest pains(prob due to stress of mom) so all we had to go by was her nurse and the staff at the home and they say she was fine but sunday they waited all day till my sister showed up around 2pm to tell her mom wasnt gonna make it through the night she better call family if she wanted. her oxygen was below 2 needless to say someone was sitting with mom since 7am and they waited till 2pm when daughter got there to say somethig (thats still bothers me) anyway we had all day sunday which she sat in her rocker and rocked she was scared to go to sleep always thought she wouldnt wake up they had her on morphine evry 15 min. she couldnt open her eyes but they say she new we were there. when we talked she would shake her head but she never opened her eyes and that hurts.. Finally we got her to get in bed at 2am (she was starting to lose color) as we thought shed be more comfy then slouched over in chair. I slept in that bed with her all night even tho i had about 2" of room but i wasnt leaving her alone. her little itty self 80 lbs and my 100 lbs couldnt even fit on a single bed but oh well. And in the morning me and my sister got her all cleaned up by ourselves changed and sponged. then her hospice nurse came in (she was awesome) still no open eyes swelling was real bad me on side with nurse shan on other side both holding her hands telling her that Deanne was there to check her and it was a matter of 2 minutes from time nurse came in till she sighlently passed. I guess im a little upset at all before and not being able to see her and her to tell me she new i was there but they say she new even though she didnt respond like i wanted. I know shes in a better place now and shes not suffering but its still hard very hard. One good thing is if she got to see herself the day of burial she would of been happy with a smile because swelling was gone and she looked beautiful!!!

So these past few days i think reality is setting in because i cant seem to stop crying myself to sleep and all day when kids are at school all i do is cry myself to sleep i cant get out of my slump so to say. Its weird because when hubby is home or kids at home I am fine I dont want them to see me upset so i hide it till im alone basically. I work nights and im fine at work just during the day and bedtime. People say to think of the good times but it dont help any because all i keep thinking is hows she not here and wont be!! When we found out after her major surgery cancer had come back my siter and I were able to take my mom on cruise which she never had been on before and thats what she wanted to do That was one of the best times we had and i am happy that we were able to do that and it makes me feel good when i think about it but when i look at pictures and video i CRY i can see how happy she was and then brings back memories till the last day when she didnt open her eyes, or was able to respond because she couldnt talk for the last 5 months of her life. maybe that makes it hard too who knows, I just have a bunch of unanswered questions and just plain SADD shes not here and cant seem to grasp it. I know she dont want me sad and i try so hard maybe thats why i was so strong through it all never let her see me but now i am falling apart now and just needed to let it out. SORRY for the long post but had to mention every single detail or at leaste most of them so you all would now what i have been through. Just needed to vent or read words of encouragment support


for others just stay strong and believe i can see on here that there are many fighters and survivors so it can be beat. NEVER EVER give up my mom fought a long hard battle just wish she would of survived longer but she is where she is now cant change it for her but maybe for others. I havent gone to doctor because noone can change how or what happened noone can make me feel better medicine cant make me feel better. But how do i do this? How do i stop crying when im alone?
Even though its so sad right now i hope to someday volunteer for the hospice that helped my mom as they did their best they were wonderful. For now i have to try to cope and go on and remember she didnt want me to be sad for long as she wrote in my "goodbye" letter she told me to remember all the times we had as she cherished them all and wished she had more time to spend but it wasnt meant to be. she said we will see each other again someday. Just wish that day was here every day!!