Recurrance after chemo,rads,tamoxifen

Christmas Girl said:

Thank you, ritazimm!
Thank you for your kind words, Rita. Much appreciated, and means a lot to me. To answer your question... No, I have certainly not always been a BC activist. Following my initial surgery consultation appointment, the nurse gave me a folder full of important info. When I got home, I found a little pink ribbon pin (my first one) in the bottom of one of the folder pockets. I threw it across the room, and cried like crazy. Although I was alone (my husband had accompanied me; then, dropped me off & headed to work, late) - I remember clearly yelling out loud: "I don't want THAT!" Of course, what I really meant was that I didn't want the breast cancer itself. At home after surgery, and during a day my Mom was with me - she accepted a flower delivery. I opened the box & found 2 dozen long-stemmed, exquisite pink roses, with white baby's breath & ferns to accompany. They were from 2 of my dearest friends (1 dozen from each of them). I was somewhat puzzled by the pink (dummy I was, still in denial!), since my 2 friends both love very bright & intense colors. My Mom noticed my facial expression & asked: "What's wrong?" I told her that I would have expected red, orange, purple, bright yellow - anything but pink - from them. After a long moment of silence, she quietly said to me: "But, honey, this is your color now. A pink rose is the same as the pink ribbon." Like a spoiled rotten toddler, I told my Mom she could take them home or throw them away because I didn't want them. Again, I cried. Mom instructed me to go lay down on the couch & take a nap. Which I did. When I awoke, my Mom was gone. On the kitchen counter, there were my pink roses - perfectly arranged in one of my vases. A note from Mom said: "These are beautiful, just like you." That vase of pink roses took its place on my living room mantel. And they miraculously outlasted all of the other post-surgery flower arrangements I'd received. The longest-lasting roses I've ever had in my entire life. I took that as a sign. To this day, I keep 2 dozen silk roses in a vase on my mantel. Both of those friends now live out of state; so, those pink roses hold even more meaning for me than the original ones.

Another out-of-state friend sent to me 2 "rubber band" style bracelets: a pink one for BC, and a yellow "Livestrong" (Lance Armstrong's foundation) one. I put them both on immediately, mostly to feel connected to her. Wore them every day, on my right (BC side) wrist. Took them off only for showering & sleeping at night. Last month, I hit my 5 year anniversary of completion of all invasive treatment. Finally put them away in my BC keepsake box, along with all the encouraging notecards & letters received from family & loved ones, amongst many other related special trinkets. I now have several different bracelets, actual jewelry. I collect them, and people continue to give them to me. However, I no longer wear one all the time.

My chemo began in September. For blocks around the hospital, BC awareness posters & pink ribbon signage began to appear everywhere in preparation for October - BC Awareness Month. I was amazed & gained much hope from this display. I began to pray that if given a chance at life - I'd do something to "give back" & help others. And, I told this to anyone who would listen. At that time, I had absolutely no idea what that would turn out to be. I didn't actually "do" anything until I felt I had healed sufficiently from surgery/chemo/rads - about a year later. But, while I was recovering - I did do lots of research, with much careful consideration.

I have a pink ribbon pin attached to every jacket & coat I own. And, I have pink ribbon keychains & such dangling from every purse. These, to me, are very small & silent - yet public - statements for awareness. They're not FOR me - they're not ABOUT me. They are unobtrusive, yet obvious, reminders for everyone else. That's just my own personal perspective.

Not long ago at the grocery store, I noticed that the cashier was wearing a pink ribbon pin. After I paid & she thanked me for the purchase, I thanked her for wearing the pin & promoting awareness (which I ALWAYS do if provided with the chance) - without identifying myself as a BC survivor, which I RARELY do. She told me she wears it every day for her grandmother & her mother. This sort of scenario has happened many, many times over the years. Almost all of my nurses, therapists, etc. wear the pink ribbon - in some form or fashion... And not just for their professions; but, on behalf of their mothers, sisters, aunts, friends, etc. ...

I apologize for my rambling post! I guess I meant for you to understand that I got to where I am on this subject very gradually. It wasn't immediate, nor automatic. This is very, very personal - and, we must each decide what feels right & comfortable for ourselves as individuals. The first Relay for Life I participated in was as a survivor, several years ago. At one point I began to cry; and within moments, I was being "group hugged" by about 20 other cancer survivors! Last year, I attended another at the invitation of a neighbor. I did not cry at that one; but, comforted a BC survivor who did. A good example of my own personal evolution, I'd say. Both of those experiences were, for me, somber - yet, joyful & hopeful, at the same time.

Whatever way is right for YOU, Rita - you will know, with time. Please decide based only on YOUR own comfort level. Just follow your heart. No one is obligated to do any of this sort of thing. That's the real beauty of volunteer activities! Best wishes to you, and...

Kind regards, Susan

fauxma said:

Definitely not a ramble
Susan,
That was not a ramble but an inspiration. I could see your fear, denial, exasperation, anger as you wrote. I could see the pink pin in your hand and the pink roses and sense what they meant to you. And these things do become part of our journey.
When I had my first cancer, a friend gave me two things, a little ceramic fairy holding the word HOPE and a beautiful angel pin. When I had my hysterectomy for uterine cancer I had my pin with me. When I was recovering and ready to be released there was this charming 75 year old woman in the bed next to me. In the 5 days I was in the hospital we had grown close. She was there to have surgery for breast cancer but she had an infection they were treating first. When I was discharged I gave her my angel pin for her journey. I also gave her daughter my phone number. Some time later, maybe a year or two, I got a call from her. Her mom had passed away (not from the cancer) and she wanted me to know that her mother wore that pin for a long time and then gave it to someone that was having surgery. I see this pin travelling from person to person and giving comfort to the owner. And my little HOPE fairy. I kept her until a good friend was diagnosed with uterine cancer and I passed her on to her. She also passed this fairy on to a mutual friend. When my sister was diagnosed with cancer in early 2008, this friend gave her the fairy. She wanted to give it to me when I was diagnosed in October of 2008 but she was still so deep into her treatments that I told her that I still hold the HOPE of that little fairy and I do. I told her when she was ready to find someone who needed that HOPE and pass her on then. I too have momentos of my journeys. I don't think of them as bad or sad or even reminders. They are just a part of who I am now. And when I look at them, I realize how lucky I am. I am looking at them, living and doing all the things I love and still here. I try not to let these cancers rob me of today because then it wins and I am not about to let cancer win. Cancer does not define me. It was and is a part of me and I don't delude myself that it can't come back as a recurrence or a new cancer but I will deal with that only if it comes back. Right now I am alive and I celebrate it. Susan you advise about comfort levels, and doing what is right for yourself and following the heart is so true.
There is no right or wrong way to feel or deal with cancer. There is just "your way". The way that works for you. We are each so unique and so are our reactions. And we learn so much from the deversity that we bring to this board. If one piece of advice doesn't work maybe another will. I love this board and the wonderful people on it.
Stef

ritazimm said:

Thank you for your Inspiration
Thank you so much Susan! I'm sitting here reading this at work and crying my eyes out.

I guess I have such a hard time allowing myself to just be me. I have always seen these women that have had breast cancer/any cancer that have used their experience to help others and I feel so terrible that I am not ready to do that! From the time I finished treatment I felt like I needed to do something to turn this experience into something meaningful. I haven't found that comfort spot yet. My friends tell me that I expect too much too soon and that I need to just relax for a while and let things happen as I am comfortable. I guess I think that they just don't understand but it is such a relief to hear it from someone that really does know. (Thus the flood of tears on my desk.) So from the bottom of my heart, I thank you, thank you, thank you for your words of wisdom!

(Guess I need to go freshen up now!)

Rita