HELP ME

alley22
alley22 Member Posts: 13
edited March 2014 in Breast Cancer #1
HELLO MY NAME IS ALLEY AND I HAVE A GIRLFRIED SHE IS 34 AS OF 4/13/09 IM HERE BECOUSE I LOST MY MOM TO BRAIN CANCER ON 9/2/08 IM STILL DEALING WITH THE PAIN OF HER LOSS. IVE BEEN WITH MY GIRLFRIEND FOR 11 MONTHS NOW I LOVE HER VERY MUCH AND CARE ALOT ABOUT HER.SHE TOLD ME THAT THE DOCTOR SAID THAT SHE HAS A LUMP INSIDE OF HER BREAST IM REALLY SCARED WE DONT TALK TO MUCH ABOUT IT WHEN I ASK QUESTION ABOUT IT SHE ALWAYS SAY THE RESULTS DID NOT COME BACK.YESTERDAY I ASK HER AGAIN ABOUT WHAT THE DOCTORS SAID SHE SAID NOW THEY HAVE TO TAKE TISSUE FROM HER LUNGS FOR TEST IM SO SCARED BECOUSE I LOVE HER I DONT WANNA LOOSE ANYONE ELSE I LOVE TO CANCER ITS LIKE THINGS ARE CHANGING SHE IS CHANGING SHE YELLS ALOT NOW SHE GETS REALLY ANGRY VERY FAST IT REMINDS ME OF MY MOM BUT AFTER SHE GOT REALLY SICK BUT MY GIRLFRIEND IS NOT REALLY SICK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT SOMETHING IS WRONG AND SHE IS HIDING IT PLEASE SOMEONE TALK TO ME I DONT WANT TO GO DOWN THIS ROAD AGAIN MY GIRLFRIEND DONT LIKE GOING TO TO THE DOCTOR SHE SAID SHE IS NOT LETTING THE DOCTORS TEST ANYTHING ON HER WHAT SHOULD I DO IM STRESS IM SCARED FOR HER LIFE IF SHE KNEW I WAS THINKING THIS WAY SHE WOULD BE UPSET SHE STLL SMOKES EVEN THOUGHN I TELL HER ITS GONNA KILL HER AT TIMES U CANT HEAR HER SPEAK SHE TALKS REALLY LOW I LOVE HER AND WANT HER TO BE O.K WHAT SHOULD I DO

Comments

  • tommaseena
    tommaseena Member Posts: 1,769
    #2
    Alley,
    First, I want to
    Alley,
    First, I want to welcome you.
    Second, You didn't say when your girlfriend had a biopsy--pathology tests can take up to 14 days to come back depending on the type of stains and tests they are doing on the tissue that they received.
    You didn't say if she had an MRI or other tests that would warrant doing a biopsy of the lungs.
    Third,
    Her reaction is because deep down she doesn't know what to do herself and she is scared as well. If she will allow you to go with her to her doctor's appointments it will help both of you with understanding the whole realm of things. I hope she has had someone go with her. This is a scary time even for the strong ones.

    Tell her that you are there to support and love her. Tell her that you need to understand what is going on just as well since you are there for her. Tell her that you are scared as well. I don't know if a support group or counseling is right at this point or should be a little down the road.

    Please know that we are here for you and your girlfriend to listen and give you friendly advice whenever you need it.

    Hugs coming your way for you and your girlfriend,
    Margo
  • pretty in pink
    pretty in pink Member Posts: 13
    #3
    What awonderful friend you are!
    Alley~
    My heart absolutely breaks for you~I just went through this myself one month ago~ I was diagnosed~being the person I am my professional career as well as who I am as a person has always centered around thinking of others "first"~I can tell you from what I went through and am still going through that my first concern was the feelings/reactions of the loved ones around me~(which I think protected me from experiencing the blow of my own feelings)as we all got into this I became a person that I didn't know~yelling at the ones the closest to me, feeling like they were invading my personal space while I was trying to get a handle on my own emotions~It wasn't only Cancer invading my body it was also like someone I didn't even know took over and invaded my emotions (That's also difficult to deal with)I felt guilty because I felt like I had hurt the ones around me who cared so deeply for me but I just wasn't ready to both accept my cancer, accept my own reactions to what was happening to me and needed space at that time I couldn't cope with letting all of these people in, it was overwhelimg to me while (unbeknowst to me) I was trying to figure things out for myself, to gain any shred of control to what was happening to me~I won't lie to you it was a challening balancing act to say the least!Maybe this doesn't make sense, just trying to give you some perspective of what your friend may also be experiencing~At one point being the caretaker I am I finally surrendered and suggested that my loved ones join a support group to focus on their feelings and gain some support because I was in no shap e myself to provide them with support when I couldn't even find my way(That also a blow to me because I was always the care taker I felt guilty for making the referral but knew I couldn't help them while I figured things out)My heart goes out to you, you are an amazing person, hang in there, and consider a group to also help you in your support for your friend~I find these days that the people on this site for me are a lifeline~welocme my friend, Much Love "Pretty in pink":)
  • tgf
    tgf Member Posts: 950 Member
    #4
    pretty in pink said:

    What awonderful friend you are!
    Alley~
    My heart absolutely breaks for you~I just went through this myself one month ago~ I was diagnosed~being the person I am my professional career as well as who I am as a person has always centered around thinking of others "first"~I can tell you from what I went through and am still going through that my first concern was the feelings/reactions of the loved ones around me~(which I think protected me from experiencing the blow of my own feelings)as we all got into this I became a person that I didn't know~yelling at the ones the closest to me, feeling like they were invading my personal space while I was trying to get a handle on my own emotions~It wasn't only Cancer invading my body it was also like someone I didn't even know took over and invaded my emotions (That's also difficult to deal with)I felt guilty because I felt like I had hurt the ones around me who cared so deeply for me but I just wasn't ready to both accept my cancer, accept my own reactions to what was happening to me and needed space at that time I couldn't cope with letting all of these people in, it was overwhelimg to me while (unbeknowst to me) I was trying to figure things out for myself, to gain any shred of control to what was happening to me~I won't lie to you it was a challening balancing act to say the least!Maybe this doesn't make sense, just trying to give you some perspective of what your friend may also be experiencing~At one point being the caretaker I am I finally surrendered and suggested that my loved ones join a support group to focus on their feelings and gain some support because I was in no shap e myself to provide them with support when I couldn't even find my way(That also a blow to me because I was always the care taker I felt guilty for making the referral but knew I couldn't help them while I figured things out)My heart goes out to you, you are an amazing person, hang in there, and consider a group to also help you in your support for your friend~I find these days that the people on this site for me are a lifeline~welocme my friend, Much Love "Pretty in pink":)

    Time ...
    Alley,

    I agree totally with "pink" that your friend is processing things in her own way. Your friend is not shutting you out of her life ... she is just handling this in the best way possible for her at this time. It will take her awhile to come to grips with what is going on and what she needs to do. You just have to be patient and let her handle this in her own way.

    When I was told I needed a lumpectomy ... I just kept telling people it was just a "mild case of cancer" ... and I had myself convinced that was all ... until I was told I needed chemo. Then reality set in for me. The only way I could handle that news was to totally shut myself off for a few days. I emailed people and told them about the chemo I needed and also told them NOT to call me for a few days because I needed time process what the doctors were telling me. My family and friends respected that and it gave me the space I needed to work things out in my brain... and to move forward with what I needed to do.

    It's not easy. I know you want to help and be supportive ... but there are times when people just need to work things out for themselves ... in their own way. As long as your friend knows you are there for her ... whenever she wants to talk ... needs company etc. and that you love her ... that will be a great comfort to her. She is very lucky to have friend like you.

    hugs.
    Teena
  • mimivac
    mimivac Member Posts: 2,143 Member
    #5
    Support
    Hi Alley, I am sorry this is happening to you and your girlfriend. It can be very confusing and frightening for a loved one, especially if you only have a vague idea of what's going on medically and emotionally. It sounds like your girlfriend is very frightened and won't let you into her private world right now. She may be afraid of hurting you, she may be too confused and angry herself to know how to deal with the concern and care of another person. It sounds as if both of you are overwhelmed -- and your experience with your mom and cancer gives you an added anxiety of what may be down the road. It's a lot to handle, isn't it?

    First of all, take a deep breath. Don't jump to conclusions that your girlfriend has cancer. Tests and biopsies are the first step in detection. It could very well be that her lump is benign. Also, please don't conclude that because she is irritible and angry, she is ill. The tests themselves can make someone very anxious. I know you say that your mother became this way when she was ill, but this is a completely different situation. Breast cancer is not brain cancer and doesn't affect the brain in the same way. Her irritability is likely because of the stress she is under right now.

    Second, you need support right now. There are hotlines you can call to get help, information, and the names of face-to-face support groups in your area. One is Save Ourselves at 1-800-422-9747, another is Y-Me at 1-800-221-2141. Also, please give these numbers to your girlfriend. If she cannot talk to you right now, she may be able to talk to a sympathetic stranger who has been through it. Be patient with your girlfriend. Tell her that you are ready to talk to her when she is ready. Reiterate that you love her and that you want her to do all she can to keep herself healthy. These hotlines may ease her fears about being tested. Be patient, but also get the help you need. Both of you are affected by this.

    Let us know how everything goes. You can always find support here.

    Mimi
  • tjhay
    tjhay Member Posts: 655
    #6
    Supporting Your Girlfriend
    I was found out last Sept that I had breast cancer, and in the process I managed to push everyone away (including my girlfriend)We are friends now and she is there for me. I was so scared to put her through what I thought was going to be this horrible gut wrenching thing. This is probably what she is thinking. All that you can do is be there for her, be patient, with time and more information it will make things easier for both of you.
    Waiting for the test resutls to come back is one of the hardest things in the world that I have ever done, and it never ever occurd to me that it might be hard for my girl to. I was not being selfish on purpose, I truely thought that I was saving her from heart break. If you love her like you say you do, dont let her push you away.
    I agree with the others support for yourself is important, support for her is important. Also go with her to the appointments, for me it was hard to remember all that the doctor told me and I did blow it out of portion. Because I was scared, my sister started going with me and helped me to understand what was going on. You can do this with your girlfriend. Let her know that you want to go because the two of you are a team and as long as you face everything as a team you do anything.
    Much luck to you and your girlfriend, and if you need to talk you can reach me at 727-226-0394. You can call any time, I would be glad to talk to you or your girlfriend. We are all hear for you both.

    Huggs
    Tj

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