How do you survive being a survivor?

JoMama54 said:

Same feelings!
I know exactly how you feel..............my life has gone downhill since 2000 when my husband and best friend came home and told me he wanted a divorce. Two years later met someone and a year later he moved in with me and together we remodeled my home...then he found out he had brain cancer and shot himself in my basement bathroom, left alone again. 2006 had to move in to help my elderly parents. I was up 4 to 6 time a night taking care of them and trying to work my full time insurance job............well March 2008 I had a nervous breakdown had to put my dad in the Veterans home in April, spent 2 weeks at the Primary Childrens Hospital with a 10 year old twin grandson with a brain tumor (thank god it was benign) and then June found out I had DCIS I guess that would be the icing on my black cloud. :-( Biopsy July 1 lumpectomy on my birthday July 11 and the big M on July 24 and back into surgery with problems on July 25, back to the Dr. 3 time a week cause I would not drain and another surgery on 9/11 blood clot the day after that my Mom was admitted to the Veterans home cause I couldn't take care of myself little alone her. She passed away On Jan 27, 2009 (luekemia), and I almost lost my Dad 3 weeks ago. Oh and I lost my job of 15 years with the insurance company I worked for. So the bills keep piling up and I can't remember sh@/! Hurt all over because the of oral chemo. and I really need to quit smoking!!!!!!! Sorry guys I really got carried away venting! Really when will life get back to normal.........I personally don't think it ever will. But all in all I do feel blessed! Have a good day!
JoMama

Mitz said:

THANK YOU ALL!!!
Wow, I have been gone for a couple days and come back to such incredible thoughts, feelings and advice. Each and every one of you has something special to share and whether it be good or bad you are all here to share!!! I am so glad that I came back to this forum after all these years because it has helped me to get back to what is important and that is being alive!!! The birds are chirping and the sun is rising which means we all need to rise too. Again I want to say thank you to all of you for all of your posts back and forth I feel even more blessed to have sisters and brothers like you all!

Happy Easter and enjoy the day!

rjjj said:

Good morning Mimi
It makes my heart happy that you are coming around good after chemo. Your words give me hope and joy. It sounds like you are doing all the things you need to do to reclaim your life. Making plans and looking forward to some fun back in our lives is what keeps us going. I know i have so many things i am looking forward to doing again. Maybe some of the plans aren't quite what they were before..but hey they are my plans and each one I get to do will make me happy!! Be sure to keep us on your list (i know you will)! i sure have enjoyed all your uplifting and informational posts, my friend..and am wishing you sunshine and good days always.
Happy Easter
Jackie

ritazimm said:

Been there
Hi Mitz,
When I completed my chemo and then the radiation (7/09), I thought for sure that I would now be able to move on with my life and go back to being me. Wrong! I had been in my own world of cancer for over a year and didn't feel like I knew anything else. I hated to talk to friends because all I had to talk about was cancer and crappy side-effects. I knew they must be as sick of hearing it as I was of living it. It really threw me for a loop. I too had/have the 'what if' thoughts, my memory was TERRIBLE, my concentration level was TERRIBLE and my medical oncologist kept telling me 'it just takes time'. I couldn't stand it! I just wanted 'me' back. I felt like I should have learned SOMETHING from the cancer experience and should know that I had 'grown' as a person, but I couldn't see anything except that I wasn't 'me'. Then I had a change in shape of my non-cancerous breast and I nearly had a breakdown. When seeing my rad onc. the NP gave me an anti-anxiety medication to get me through the crisis and referred me to a psychologist that specializes in post-chemo treatment. I am taking anti-depressents and just knowing that my feelings of being lost are quite common in post-chemo patients and cancer patients has helped me a lot. It is nice to know that you are not as 'crazy' as you feel and that the feelings are actually quite normal under the circumstances.

The one thing I hated was that they kept telling me that I would find the 'new me'. Since I knew that I would never have the 'old' physical me and would have to live with those scars, I was not willing to accept a 'new me' in any other aspect and I feared that even though I am not the old me, I would eventually get used to the new me and accept that person. (If that makes any sense?) They adjusted my antidepressents until I was satisfied that I was very close to the old me as far as concentration and memory. I'm still not sure if I truly am close to the same as bc or if I am just enough improved that it is now acceptable, but I have decided not to worry about that and just be thankful for where I am today.

I do still worry about the 'what if's' but I try to focus on today. I am not someone that can live in denial of the possibilities and have to be somewhat prepared for the negative possibility as well as being prepared to live each day to the best of my ability.

I also fear that others might think that I have become self centered. When I was diagnosed everyone kept telling me 'it's time to worry about yourself now, don't worry about what anyone else thinks'. Now I feel like I'm kind of stuck in that mode. I am no longer willing to hang around with negative people and no longer willing to do things just because others think that I should. As of right now, that is about the extent of what I have learned through my cancer experience. But for now, that's enough. I am becoming much happier with myself and I know that if the Lord wants me to change or do something because of my experience, I'm sure He will reveal it to me in time.

You are definitely not alone in this. Just keep plugging along. If you think you are depressed and need anti-depressents tell your doctor that. I talked to my med onc several times and got nowhere so you may need to talk to one of your other doctors but don't give up. I'm not advocating anti-depressents for everyone, but they sure helped me.

God Bless you and Happy Easter!

Moopy23 said:

Sunshine and Good Days Mimi and All
Yes, I wish you and all our sisters sunshine and good days.Thanks friend Jackie, for your post. Hope your plans to get out and go fishing with Bob and Tootsie come about today!

bfbear said:

Thank you Patty, Lisa, Mimivac and
Thank you Patty, Lisa, Mimivac and all of you wonderful, courageous women for your words and the time you took to write them. I can't tell you how hard it is to write my true feelings, but I did last night, and you have made me feel hugged. I am seeing my therapist this week and I'll do my best to be honest with her about the gravity of the situation (it's hard to show vulnerability...I hate appearing weak even if I, supposedly, have a right to).
And today I hardly answered the phone at all, and it helped. All your advice is good stuff. This is definitely a lesson in humility and making priorities. But somewhere along the line, I really have got to find a reason to live, not just make it from one day to the next...I guess.
Thanks again to you all. I very much appreciate all the wise things you write and offer up.
D

Moopy23 said:

Cancer or Cholera Indeed
Hello, I am on the eighth day of my 5th chemo, and it is usually during these days that I fall completely and fully victim to the thoughts some of you have shared so movingly. My husband and my friends here are somehow able to pull me out. As Claudia has done this morning, in a testament to life that is powerful, eloquent, and overflowing with compassion.

I thank each of you for sharing and helping me to understand that the abyss may always be out there. I thank Claudia, for reminding me that above ground--changed though it may be-- is still a good place, and worth the fight to stay there.

...this forum, and Kindred Spirits, and a safe place to land: I wish these may give you more comfort, as they have given me. And on this Good Friday, I pray that we, like Claudia, can seek--and find--much to celebrate in our changed lives.

Moopy23 said:

Cancer or Cholera Indeed
Hello, I am on the eighth day of my 5th chemo, and it is usually during these days that I fall completely and fully victim to the thoughts some of you have shared so movingly. My husband and my friends here are somehow able to pull me out. As Claudia has done this morning, in a testament to life that is powerful, eloquent, and overflowing with compassion.

I thank each of you for sharing and helping me to understand that the abyss may always be out there. I thank Claudia, for reminding me that above ground--changed though it may be-- is still a good place, and worth the fight to stay there.

...this forum, and Kindred Spirits, and a safe place to land: I wish these may give you more comfort, as they have given me. And on this Good Friday, I pray that we, like Claudia, can seek--and find--much to celebrate in our changed lives.