How do you survive being a survivor?
then it all hit like a ton of bricks! Lost my breast, my job, my house, my friends, my reproductive system and have been in menapause now for years! Everyone wants me to "get back to normal" and they miss the "old" Michelle. I am pretty sure she has left the building however I am with them...I want her back too! I keep saying that once I get back to the gym and lose the weight that I have gained due to the menapause then I will feel great and all will be right with my world again. The man of my dreams will appear and not care that I have one breast that looks different than the other. I don't know I guess I just need to know that I am not the only one out there (I know I am not) feeling all of these things. I do have to say one more thing on this post...I am truly lucky to have survived something that so many of our sisters did not!! I am thankful for having another day as well as hopeful that we will find a cure for this monster so that we don't lose another sister or brother to this disease!! Thanks for reading and thanks for any thoughts you may have. Comments
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I feel the same way
Hey, I feel the same way. I was just living my life, going along, when bc hit out of nowhere. I realize others have it worse and that my cancer was caught early (stage I, but BRCA 1/double mastectomy), but I still feel that my life has been and will for the foreseeable future be defined by cancer.
If you have any answers, let me know.
Ohilly0 -
why do we do that?ohilly said:I feel the same way
Hey, I feel the same way. I was just living my life, going along, when bc hit out of nowhere. I realize others have it worse and that my cancer was caught early (stage I, but BRCA 1/double mastectomy), but I still feel that my life has been and will for the foreseeable future be defined by cancer.
If you have any answers, let me know.
Ohilly
You are 100% correct that others have it worse which is one reason why I still fight. I was stage 3 and BRCA 2. Why do we let this damn desease define us? Once I get the answers I will let you know and you do the same.
Keep fighting!0 -
Doesn't breast cancer
Doesn't breast cancer "usually" go to your breast, bones, liver or brain, if it comes back? That is what I have read. And, that is why my oncologist ordered a bone scan and a liver scan. Anyone have those after breast cancer? The scans? And, I agree with both of you. Our/My life is defined by cancer and I doubt I can ever change that. And, I don't consider myself a survivor. I consider myself a victim and always will. I hate that word survivor.... Cause how can you be a survivor when chances are..it will come back.0 -
Same feelings!
I know exactly how you feel..............my life has gone downhill since 2000 when my husband and best friend came home and told me he wanted a divorce. Two years later met someone and a year later he moved in with me and together we remodeled my home...then he found out he had brain cancer and shot himself in my basement bathroom, left alone again. 2006 had to move in to help my elderly parents. I was up 4 to 6 time a night taking care of them and trying to work my full time insurance job............well March 2008 I had a nervous breakdown had to put my dad in the Veterans home in April, spent 2 weeks at the Primary Childrens Hospital with a 10 year old twin grandson with a brain tumor (thank god it was benign) and then June found out I had DCIS I guess that would be the icing on my black cloud. :-( Biopsy July 1 lumpectomy on my birthday July 11 and the big M on July 24 and back into surgery with problems on July 25, back to the Dr. 3 time a week cause I would not drain and another surgery on 9/11 blood clot the day after that my Mom was admitted to the Veterans home cause I couldn't take care of myself little alone her. She passed away On Jan 27, 2009 (luekemia), and I almost lost my Dad 3 weeks ago. Oh and I lost my job of 15 years with the insurance company I worked for. So the bills keep piling up and I can't remember sh@/! Hurt all over because the of oral chemo. and I really need to quit smoking!!!!!!! Sorry guys I really got carried away venting! Really when will life get back to normal.........I personally don't think it ever will. But all in all I do feel blessed! Have a good day!
JoMama0 -
I feel the sameKristin N said:Doesn't breast cancer
Doesn't breast cancer "usually" go to your breast, bones, liver or brain, if it comes back? That is what I have read. And, that is why my oncologist ordered a bone scan and a liver scan. Anyone have those after breast cancer? The scans? And, I agree with both of you. Our/My life is defined by cancer and I doubt I can ever change that. And, I don't consider myself a survivor. I consider myself a victim and always will. I hate that word survivor.... Cause how can you be a survivor when chances are..it will come back.
Kristin N, I don't hate the word survivor, but I agree with you that I do feel like a victim. I did not ask to get cancer. Yes, many people have it worse than me, but many have it better, too. I look around me and see a lot of seemingly healthy people (of course, they could be sick, too, and I just don't know that) and feel angry. But angry at who? There's no one to get angry with or at. I'm just angry.
Ohilly0 -
I can understand how you are
I can understand how you are feeling I will be 3 yrs out on the 17th of this month. In a way that sounds like a long time, but yet it often feels like no time at all has passed. I still think about cancer every day and the memories of my diagnosis and treatments replay in my mind often. Even though I had a stage 1 cancer, I still wonder if I will have a recurrence. I have 2 more 3 month oncology visits and then in July I will switch to 6 month visits and this makes me very anxious. I actually look forward to visits with my cancer doctors because I think they make me feel calm and as though nothing bad can happen while they are watching over me.
I understand what you mean when you say that you feel as though you are not the same. I look back to the old me; I never feared or thought about death and was pretty happy go lucky. Now I think about and fear death many, many times a day. I too lost my fertility. I don't understand others when they say they don't miss their periods and don't mind that chemo put them in menopause. I was 42 at diagnosis but we were hoping for a child still. I had my last period after my second chemo treatment and remember feeling sad because I knew it would be my last. My period represented fertility, youth, and femininity to me. I miss my cycle and the routine as the month passed and how I always felt light, energetic and happy after my cycle ended each month. I could count on it and it was part of normal life for decades and then wham, chemo takes it away. Now there is nothing at all. The same 365 days a year---no waxing and waning of emotions. Just the same...I am technically not menopausal according to my bloodwork but no cycle. Perhaps due to tamoxifen, who knows?
Please know that you are not alone. There are others of us out there who feel angry, cheated, and like victims. Yes we are very lucky to be alive and winning the fight, but that does not discount all we have endured and all we have lost. Hang in there, I pray that things will get better for you soon. I am sorry for the loss of your Mom.0 -
survivingJoMama54 said:Same feelings!
I know exactly how you feel..............my life has gone downhill since 2000 when my husband and best friend came home and told me he wanted a divorce. Two years later met someone and a year later he moved in with me and together we remodeled my home...then he found out he had brain cancer and shot himself in my basement bathroom, left alone again. 2006 had to move in to help my elderly parents. I was up 4 to 6 time a night taking care of them and trying to work my full time insurance job............well March 2008 I had a nervous breakdown had to put my dad in the Veterans home in April, spent 2 weeks at the Primary Childrens Hospital with a 10 year old twin grandson with a brain tumor (thank god it was benign) and then June found out I had DCIS I guess that would be the icing on my black cloud. :-( Biopsy July 1 lumpectomy on my birthday July 11 and the big M on July 24 and back into surgery with problems on July 25, back to the Dr. 3 time a week cause I would not drain and another surgery on 9/11 blood clot the day after that my Mom was admitted to the Veterans home cause I couldn't take care of myself little alone her. She passed away On Jan 27, 2009 (luekemia), and I almost lost my Dad 3 weeks ago. Oh and I lost my job of 15 years with the insurance company I worked for. So the bills keep piling up and I can't remember sh@/! Hurt all over because the of oral chemo. and I really need to quit smoking!!!!!!! Sorry guys I really got carried away venting! Really when will life get back to normal.........I personally don't think it ever will. But all in all I do feel blessed! Have a good day!
JoMama
I also, not even being through chemo yet -ask myself about what kind of quality of life I can actually have. I honestly believe that the stress of 10 years of caretaking, the unfair loss of my job in 2005, my husband's 5 by-passes in 2006,and resultng loss of his job in 2007 has contributed to me having cancer! If I continue this course of "bad luck" where will I be? LIfe is a terminal ill ness anyway. The monent we are born we start to die.
JoMamma, I have never heard anyone who has had it as bad as you. All the others too - My heart goes out to you all.
I don't feel like a survivor with all this over my head- I don't know how I am going to survive being a survivor, but I am going to do the best I know how to fight this unfair and emotionally painful crap!
~ Milly0 -
Survivor?
No, I don't consider myself that. I consider myself a victim..TWICE! To survive something, in my opinion, it means you are done with it, rid of it forever. And, with Cancer, you are not, in my opinion again. But, if some of you feel that you are a survivor...I envy you.0 -
yeah, our world does come
yeah, our world does come crashing down after a diagnosis of cancer. i know that you are discouraged but as time goes on you will begin to feel better, i hope. we are all with you and i for one have been there. it is a real challenge that is very complicated. keep your head up. blessings, peggy0 -
First, I would Like to saypeggy65 said:yeah, our world does come
yeah, our world does come crashing down after a diagnosis of cancer. i know that you are discouraged but as time goes on you will begin to feel better, i hope. we are all with you and i for one have been there. it is a real challenge that is very complicated. keep your head up. blessings, peggy
First, I would Like to say hello to all of you that do not know me. I have been so depressed that I could not post any comments.
On June 12 it will be a year since my mastectomy. Life is not the same for me. I feel like I'm in someones else body.
I saw my oncologist in March and she told me that the cancer is gone, and my other test look great also. For that, I'm very thankful. Now help me with the sleepless nights, the joint pain, the memory loss ,the exhaustion, the hot flashes.....0 -
we're here right nowdorothyt said:First, I would Like to say
First, I would Like to say hello to all of you that do not know me. I have been so depressed that I could not post any comments.
On June 12 it will be a year since my mastectomy. Life is not the same for me. I feel like I'm in someones else body.
I saw my oncologist in March and she told me that the cancer is gone, and my other test look great also. For that, I'm very thankful. Now help me with the sleepless nights, the joint pain, the memory loss ,the exhaustion, the hot flashes.....
Dorothy,
I'm only a month from bilateral mastectomies, so you have a long time on me. Lots of women here are the discussion board are where you are, though.
We are forever changed by our cancer--but we are not cancer. We are the same people we were before cancer--PLUS!
I don't know that my cancer will make me stronger--but it has already changed the way I view things. Our mortality has tapped us on the shoulder. Sure, everyone is going to die--but like Kenny Chesney says, "nobody wants to go now."
Have you been on any medication to help the depression, the sleepless nights, the joint pain? I know every drug has side effects, but it's all a balancing act--better living through chemistry!
Lisa0 -
Milly, you are so rightcelinelvr said:surviving
I also, not even being through chemo yet -ask myself about what kind of quality of life I can actually have. I honestly believe that the stress of 10 years of caretaking, the unfair loss of my job in 2005, my husband's 5 by-passes in 2006,and resultng loss of his job in 2007 has contributed to me having cancer! If I continue this course of "bad luck" where will I be? LIfe is a terminal ill ness anyway. The monent we are born we start to die.
JoMamma, I have never heard anyone who has had it as bad as you. All the others too - My heart goes out to you all.
I don't feel like a survivor with all this over my head- I don't know how I am going to survive being a survivor, but I am going to do the best I know how to fight this unfair and emotionally painful crap!
~ Milly
Milly, you are so right about life. It is very depressing to think that we are constantly moving towards death. Sometimes I feel like I am being slowly dragged towards death and I am digging my heels in but am powerless to stop. Youth is so fleeting. The decades pass so quickly......its sad. In a way no matter how positive the prognosis is for anyone with cancer, we are still al terminal. We all have to die, the question is sooner or later. Sometimes I think, I have fought so hard not to let cancer get me, whats the victory when I am still going to die?0 -
Hi Dorothy, nice to meetdorothyt said:First, I would Like to say
First, I would Like to say hello to all of you that do not know me. I have been so depressed that I could not post any comments.
On June 12 it will be a year since my mastectomy. Life is not the same for me. I feel like I'm in someones else body.
I saw my oncologist in March and she told me that the cancer is gone, and my other test look great also. For that, I'm very thankful. Now help me with the sleepless nights, the joint pain, the memory loss ,the exhaustion, the hot flashes.....
Hi Dorothy, nice to meet you! I am sorry you are feeling so yucky. I understand many of your issues as I have them too. I am taking a natural herb called melatonin for sleep and it has been helping some. I am taking a very low dose of clonadine which is for blood pressure(I don't have high blood presure)which is for my rosacea and it has helped with my hot flashes. I was taking gabapentin(anti-seizure meds) for them at one time and that helped too.
I am very happy for you that your cancer is gone. When you see your doctor I would ask about these things that are bothering you and hopefully he/she can perscribe something to help.
Glad you are here with us, please let us know if we can help any time. Blessings, Eil0 -
Cancer or Cholera?
Well, I don't quite know...if we are all truly going to die of something~ what disease would I chose? Lou Gehrig's disease? Multiple Sclerosis? Alzheimers? Parkinson's? Cancer? I know I didn't want this diagnosis, but I can't think of too many life-altering diseases I would want.
Living in a third world country and dying of dysentery,cholera or starvation doesn't give me the warm
fuzzies, either. Barring any of that~ I could get creamed by a bus,a drunk driver, or get hit by a stray bullet while minding my own business drinking lemonade on my front porch. Living in California, I know there could be a 7 point earthquake tonight which might crush me to death in my bed.
I don't know if I am going to have a recurrance. What I am doing is this: Living my life! I go on picnics, I joined a book club, I walk 3X a week with a walking buddy, I keep abreast (no pun intended) of politics, both local and national, I invite people over, I say hello to strangers, I ALWAYS hug bald-headed women wearing bandanas, I paint my fingernails, I planted a garden. None of this is major, nor will it save the planet, much less my own life. But it helps me be Claudia. I decided a long time ago that Cancer is what I fight, NOT who I am.
And by doing the above-mentioned things, plus a few more, I also became Stronger Than and not Angry At.
I am not now, nor have I ever been a Pollyanna. I loved the mountains, sunsets, flowers, etc etc BEFORE cancer, thank you very much! I didn't "need" cancer to make me more aware of the fragility of life and that I should appreciate it more.
I simply can't turn back the clock to the days before dx. I don't forget that I am a survivor~ every day I am above ground I have survived something!!!
Sorry for rambling here...I love you all dearly and my heart aches for the desperate circumstances so many of us are in. If I had the magic I would change it all. Sadly I don't.
What I do have is this forum, and Kindred Spirits, and a safe place to land.
Hugs,
Claudia0 -
I wish...chenheart said:Cancer or Cholera?
Well, I don't quite know...if we are all truly going to die of something~ what disease would I chose? Lou Gehrig's disease? Multiple Sclerosis? Alzheimers? Parkinson's? Cancer? I know I didn't want this diagnosis, but I can't think of too many life-altering diseases I would want.
Living in a third world country and dying of dysentery,cholera or starvation doesn't give me the warm
fuzzies, either. Barring any of that~ I could get creamed by a bus,a drunk driver, or get hit by a stray bullet while minding my own business drinking lemonade on my front porch. Living in California, I know there could be a 7 point earthquake tonight which might crush me to death in my bed.
I don't know if I am going to have a recurrance. What I am doing is this: Living my life! I go on picnics, I joined a book club, I walk 3X a week with a walking buddy, I keep abreast (no pun intended) of politics, both local and national, I invite people over, I say hello to strangers, I ALWAYS hug bald-headed women wearing bandanas, I paint my fingernails, I planted a garden. None of this is major, nor will it save the planet, much less my own life. But it helps me be Claudia. I decided a long time ago that Cancer is what I fight, NOT who I am.
And by doing the above-mentioned things, plus a few more, I also became Stronger Than and not Angry At.
I am not now, nor have I ever been a Pollyanna. I loved the mountains, sunsets, flowers, etc etc BEFORE cancer, thank you very much! I didn't "need" cancer to make me more aware of the fragility of life and that I should appreciate it more.
I simply can't turn back the clock to the days before dx. I don't forget that I am a survivor~ every day I am above ground I have survived something!!!
Sorry for rambling here...I love you all dearly and my heart aches for the desperate circumstances so many of us are in. If I had the magic I would change it all. Sadly I don't.
What I do have is this forum, and Kindred Spirits, and a safe place to land.
Hugs,
Claudia
Hello all,
I wish I could feel like you, Claudia.
I was depressed before my dx, and that hasn't changed since the dx a month ago. Yes, I'm on antidepressants, but they weren't working great before and even though we've doubled the dosage, I still wouldn't mind if I just happened to die on the operating table next month during my dbl. mastectomy.
I don't care about the boobs as much as I just don't care to live...it's too much of a battle. I really don't know how so many of you have kept going. I'm already totally fed up with all the care and concern of others and the thought of the burden I am going to be for awhile after the surgery, disrupting my family's schedule, making things difficult for my sister and older daughter who are taking time out of their busy lives to help after the surgery.
I am tired of answering the phone, reading emails, talking in general. I guess I'm just plain tired...sorry to be such a downer...
D0 -
bfbear,bfbear said:I wish...
Hello all,
I wish I could feel like you, Claudia.
I was depressed before my dx, and that hasn't changed since the dx a month ago. Yes, I'm on antidepressants, but they weren't working great before and even though we've doubled the dosage, I still wouldn't mind if I just happened to die on the operating table next month during my dbl. mastectomy.
I don't care about the boobs as much as I just don't care to live...it's too much of a battle. I really don't know how so many of you have kept going. I'm already totally fed up with all the care and concern of others and the thought of the burden I am going to be for awhile after the surgery, disrupting my family's schedule, making things difficult for my sister and older daughter who are taking time out of their busy lives to help after the surgery.
I am tired of answering the phone, reading emails, talking in general. I guess I'm just plain tired...sorry to be such a downer...
D
You've got a right
bfbear,
You've got a right for feeling the way you do.
I'm sorry that things are so bleak. I remember feeling bad that my husband had to take care of me and sometimes spend his lunch hours,and then part of his working days, taking me to chemo treatments. I was such a firm believer that I didn't want cancer to take over so much of our lives that it totally changed it! It was already trying to kill me,I didn't want it to have any more than it had to!
You know,I didn't have to have full mastectomies,only one partial where the tumor was,but I really admire you all who have to deal with that! I would think that you would have to be a very strong person to go through that!
Could you just take a break from all of that correspondence and just screen your calls? You know,I was usually like Pavlov's dog,and had to answer the phone everytime it rang,but I don't do that anymore. Since being diagnosed(especially then),I screen my calls and whoever I don't want to talk to-we've got caller id on our phone-I just let the answering machine get and then I either call them back or I don't! People are well meaning most of the time,but they have got to understand what you're going through and leave you alone sometimes!! Have you ever heard of Caring Bridge? It's a site online that patients and their families can use like an online diary. That way your only writing down all the information about how you are and how your doctor visits go once,and it's when you feel like it! And your friends,family,whomever can respond and send you messages! I wish I would have known about it when I was first diagnosed! But actually I found out about it when a friend from my church was diagnosed with bc and had to have a double mastectomy followed by reconstruction,and she had found out about Caring Bridge and used it. And she is honestly doing well today.
Bfbear,you've got your CSN network buddies who love and care about you. Let them gather round you and help walk you through-cause they will if you let them! And I am saying a quick prayer for you now! Try to hang in there!
Love,Patty0 -
Cancer or Cholera Indeedchenheart said:Cancer or Cholera?
Well, I don't quite know...if we are all truly going to die of something~ what disease would I chose? Lou Gehrig's disease? Multiple Sclerosis? Alzheimers? Parkinson's? Cancer? I know I didn't want this diagnosis, but I can't think of too many life-altering diseases I would want.
Living in a third world country and dying of dysentery,cholera or starvation doesn't give me the warm
fuzzies, either. Barring any of that~ I could get creamed by a bus,a drunk driver, or get hit by a stray bullet while minding my own business drinking lemonade on my front porch. Living in California, I know there could be a 7 point earthquake tonight which might crush me to death in my bed.
I don't know if I am going to have a recurrance. What I am doing is this: Living my life! I go on picnics, I joined a book club, I walk 3X a week with a walking buddy, I keep abreast (no pun intended) of politics, both local and national, I invite people over, I say hello to strangers, I ALWAYS hug bald-headed women wearing bandanas, I paint my fingernails, I planted a garden. None of this is major, nor will it save the planet, much less my own life. But it helps me be Claudia. I decided a long time ago that Cancer is what I fight, NOT who I am.
And by doing the above-mentioned things, plus a few more, I also became Stronger Than and not Angry At.
I am not now, nor have I ever been a Pollyanna. I loved the mountains, sunsets, flowers, etc etc BEFORE cancer, thank you very much! I didn't "need" cancer to make me more aware of the fragility of life and that I should appreciate it more.
I simply can't turn back the clock to the days before dx. I don't forget that I am a survivor~ every day I am above ground I have survived something!!!
Sorry for rambling here...I love you all dearly and my heart aches for the desperate circumstances so many of us are in. If I had the magic I would change it all. Sadly I don't.
What I do have is this forum, and Kindred Spirits, and a safe place to land.
Hugs,
Claudia
Hello, I am on the eighth day of my 5th chemo, and it is usually during these days that I fall completely and fully victim to the thoughts some of you have shared so movingly. My husband and my friends here are somehow able to pull me out. As Claudia has done this morning, in a testament to life that is powerful, eloquent, and overflowing with compassion.
I thank each of you for sharing and helping me to understand that the abyss may always be out there. I thank Claudia, for reminding me that above ground--changed though it may be-- is still a good place, and worth the fight to stay there.
...this forum, and Kindred Spirits, and a safe place to land: I wish these may give you more comfort, as they have given me. And on this Good Friday, I pray that we, like Claudia, can seek--and find--much to celebrate in our changed lives.0 -
I don't know if anythingbfbear said:I wish...
Hello all,
I wish I could feel like you, Claudia.
I was depressed before my dx, and that hasn't changed since the dx a month ago. Yes, I'm on antidepressants, but they weren't working great before and even though we've doubled the dosage, I still wouldn't mind if I just happened to die on the operating table next month during my dbl. mastectomy.
I don't care about the boobs as much as I just don't care to live...it's too much of a battle. I really don't know how so many of you have kept going. I'm already totally fed up with all the care and concern of others and the thought of the burden I am going to be for awhile after the surgery, disrupting my family's schedule, making things difficult for my sister and older daughter who are taking time out of their busy lives to help after the surgery.
I am tired of answering the phone, reading emails, talking in general. I guess I'm just plain tired...sorry to be such a downer...
D
I don't know if anything I've written below will help or if it is way presumptuous of me to even say or think it:
Debi,
You deserve the care that your family is going to give you. No one can do it all alone. If the situation were reversed, would you help your sister or your daughter?
Actions change feelings, so when you feel down, you need to pretend. If you do something, take a walk, talk to someone, go to a movie, you will feel better. I pretend a lot, and at times I hate doing it. And at times I just forget about pretending and go to bed early. But when I pretend, I really do feel better.
Lisa0 -
Hi Mitz
Mitz, first off congratulations on being 5 years out of treatment. I can relate to your story, even though I just finished chemo and still have radiation to do. I also was diagnosed at age 34 -- when I felt at the peak of my life. I saw things fall apart in front of me as well. I don't know where the old me is, either. I guess we have to build new lives after this beast -- or at least new perspectives. I'm sorry you lost so much at such a young age. But I do know that the one thing about tackling this young is that we have many years to slowly build back our lives. I think it's great that you have goals -- getting fit is a great one. I have that goal, too. With the weather becoming nicer, I have all sorts of plans of what I will do. Are you a list maker? Studies have shown that people who write down their goals and write down what life will look like once they've achieved them are more likely to carry through. Sounds trite, but I have found that it works. We are all searching for ourselves, I think. Good luck and keep writing to us.0
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