Shaky and sleepless

bfbear · April 2009

Well, after meeting with the plastic surgeon today and looking over pictures of mastectomy patients, both reconstructed and un-, I am quite sobered. Since my dx a few weeks ago, I really thought that "just" having a double mastectomy, probably without chemo/radiation, would be a relative walk in the park.

Now I realize this is not the case. Seeing the reality was a wake-up call. For one thing, the reconstruction will not be all done in one surgery. It will take at least one additional surgery, after the initial one has healed, to create the nipple, and burn/tatoo the areola. And even when all is said and done, it will be a big difference from what is see in the mirror now. I obviously need to get over that!

Also, after reading posts here and talking to my surgeon today, I realize that the recovery period is likely going to be considerably longer than I originally thought.

So I'm not feeling quite as gallant as before. I haven't been sleeping well for awhile now, and naturally this hasn't helped. I haven't been one to rail against the world, or ask "why me," because that's just not me...but given that I have yet to shed a tear over all of this, I am beginning to wonder if my "normal" state of depression has made me so disconnected from my body that I just don't get it yet..or what?? I'm getting a prescription for Xanax tomorrow. I've never used the stuff before, but if I don't get some sleep soon, by the time I actually get around to the surgery I'll be completely wacko.
I guess the fear is finally seeping in.
Thanks for listening.

Bill.S · April 2009

Hi CSI Lady
Have you considered NOT having recon??
A lady I work with had bilateral mast and opted not to go through recon. She looks good, enjoys not having to lug around her old boobs. I guess it is always a very personal choice- I don't really have a choice--------- well actually yes I do ----but it is not such a big deal for me. Someone asked me right after my mast. if I was going to have recon surgery and I answered- "You have got to be kidding"
Best of everything to you
Luv
Bill S.

Jadie · April 2009

Xanax
Hi bfbear
Take the xanax. You don't need to run down from lack of rest before you get started. I know what you mean by "normal" state of depression. I was completely numb from all emotions. But I thought that it might be better than the alternative (completely wacko).

I am sure that you will make the right decision for you and, I am glad that you are having immediate reconstruction.

Please keep us posted.
Jadie

Ltalcott · April 2009

MAJOR surgery
bfbear,

You are certainly right that the bilateral mastectomies with immediate reconstruction is not a walk in the park. I was actually in surgery from 9 am Wednesday until about 1:30 am on Thursday. That part wasn't hard for me--my poor husband in the waiting room!

The riskiest part of surgery is going under anesthesia, and coming out. So although that long was not good, it wasn't that much riskier.

I will never have another mammogram, they will never call me back for more studies on a suspicious area, never do another biopsy. If I have more breast cancer, it would be right on the skin, because that's all the tiny amount of breast tissue that I have. But I have 'normal' looking breasts, I will be able to wear low-cut tops (not that I probably will) and normal bathing suits.

I am NOT going to die from this breast cancer--I'm just going to argue with the recovery for a while.

(I do have a couple more surgeries to come. My plastic surgeon wants to do a little more work to make my stomach symetrical and flat--I have 'wings' over my hip bones that he will flatten. And they will construct nipples and do tatooing. Those will be minor compared to what I've already done.)

I got scared right before surgery, and toyed with the idea of cancelling it all. But something has to be done--or you really will die. I did lots of research and information-gathering, and then at some point, I just ignored it all, and went where I was directed to go, did what they told me to do.

Hope that helps some. What you expressed in your post makes complete sense.

Hugs, lisa

Kristin N · April 2009

This is quite a journey. I
This is quite a journey. I only cried when they told me I had breast cancer again, and, not after that. I chose to have a lumpectomy both times, and, am glad that I did. I followed up the first time with radiation and I am doing that now too. Everyone makes their own choice on the options they are given and on their own personal choice. You may need chemo and/or radiation treatments as you haven't had your surgery done yet and the pathology report written up. The pathology report determines what treatments they recommend. And, you may not. I hope that you don't have to go thru anymore than what you have stated. Good luck to you and please keep us updated. When do you have the surgery?

bfbear · April 2009

Kristin N said:
This is quite a journey. I
This is quite a journey. I only cried when they told me I had breast cancer again, and, not after that. I chose to have a lumpectomy both times, and, am glad that I did. I followed up the first time with radiation and I am doing that now too. Everyone makes their own choice on the options they are given and on their own personal choice. You may need chemo and/or radiation treatments as you haven't had your surgery done yet and the pathology report written up. The pathology report determines what treatments they recommend. And, you may not. I hope that you don't have to go thru anymore than what you have stated. Good luck to you and please keep us updated. When do you have the surgery?

Surgery date
Thanks for your input, Kristin. My surgery is scheduled for May 6th, so I've got 4 long weeks to go...and I'm not a patient person!! It's all part of the journey, I guess.

tasha_111 · April 2009

bfbear said:
Surgery date
Thanks for your input, Kristin. My surgery is scheduled for May 6th, so I've got 4 long weeks to go...and I'm not a patient person!! It's all part of the journey, I guess.

Hello Bear , I figure I have been through enough radical surgery and am not even considering a reconstruction......no more for me. I was a 40DD now I am a 40dd/36a........i feel very uncomfortable looking in the mirror but I don't feel awful enough to go through more surgery (I just won't look in the mirror again)....Sure, breasts mean a lot, but not enough to go through more pain, incapacitation, disfigurement and disability. I am 48 - hair is growing, maybe I can soon look like a normal person again, without all that elective pain and surgery. I wish you luck, I am just too much of a coward to consider it... Hugs Jxxxxxxxxxxx

bfbear · April 2009

tasha_111 said:
Hello Bear , I figure I have been through enough radical surgery and am not even considering a reconstruction......no more for me. I was a 40DD now I am a 40dd/36a........i feel very uncomfortable looking in the mirror but I don't feel awful enough to go through more surgery (I just won't look in the mirror again)....Sure, breasts mean a lot, but not enough to go through more pain, incapacitation, disfigurement and disability. I am 48 - hair is growing, maybe I can soon look like a normal person again, without all that elective pain and surgery. I wish you luck, I am just too much of a coward to consider it... Hugs Jxxxxxxxxxxx

Hi J,
If they weren't able to do all the big surgery all at once, I'd probably opt out, too. But I'm really, really hoping and praying that it'll just be the one big mastectomy + implant surgery, and then the littler nipple recon deal. I don't see how you can call yourself a coward, though, after all you've been through. You're just making different decisions based on your experiences. (I've been wanting to ask...is that you in the picture??)
Hugs back,
Debi

Kristin N · April 2009

bfbear said:
Surgery date
Thanks for your input, Kristin. My surgery is scheduled for May 6th, so I've got 4 long weeks to go...and I'm not a patient person!! It's all part of the journey, I guess.

I know the wait for your
I know the wait for your surgery seems far away, but, it will go quickly. I had mine only a couple of weeks after my diagnosis. Keep yourself busy..I did. I had the cleanest house around. I cooked up a storm. (hubby loved that, lol ) I went out to lunch with my girlfriends a lot. I did things that I normally would have put off until nicer weather. But, I knew that when I had my surgery, even though it was just a lumpectomy, that I would be down for awhile and not able to do much. So, I wanted to have my house clean, food cooked and frozen and to spend some "chick time" with my girlfriends. So, just do things that you want to do. Read, go for walks, go see movies..whatever. Just keep busy! (if you want )

tommaseena · April 2009

what type
Debi,
What type of reconstruction are you having--I may have missed that thread?
I have a double mastectomy with tissue expanders in place on 2/2/09 and then when I am done with chemo treatments my plastic will schedule day surgery to remove the expanders and put in the permanent ones. Then a few months after that nipples and then a few months after that tattooing. I will finish my chemo at the end of July but I won't do the other surgery until after golf season and my plastic surgeon was agreeable to that-so that won't take place until October. I will be on Herceptin alone starting the end of July for 52 weeks and the plastic surgeon will be able to do the surgery if my WBC stay good.

I wish you the best of luck and I know waiting is so hard.

Hugs,
Margo

ohilly · April 2009

bfbear said:
Surgery date
Thanks for your input, Kristin. My surgery is scheduled for May 6th, so I've got 4 long weeks to go...and I'm not a patient person!! It's all part of the journey, I guess.

bfbear
At the time, reconstruction was a big pain with the multiple surgeries. For several months, I could not bring myself to look at my reconstructed breasts. However, now that I have they actually look pretty good. The only thing I have left to do is the nipple tattooing.

I guess everyone has something different they get upset about with regard to the physical changes in their body. For me it's my hair: I am still upset that it grew back much thinner on the top and front (this after having beautiful, thick and fast-growing hair pre-chemo). I hate looking in the mirror at myself and I try not to worry that my hair might get thinner in the future (a dermatologist said chemo accelerated underlying female pattern baldness, but personally I think that it's the Femara doing the hair thinning, since this is listed as one of the side effects and I have talked to a lot of women with hair thinning that are on Femara).

It's hard to deal with changes in your appearance, but what choice do we have if we want to live?

Best of luck,

Ohilly

Noel · April 2009

Will they do reconstructive
Will they do reconstructive surgery right after your masectomy IF you are to have chemo and/or radiation treatments? I wouldn't think they would. Does anyone know?

rjjj · April 2009

Noel said:
Will they do reconstructive
Will they do reconstructive surgery right after your masectomy IF you are to have chemo and/or radiation treatments? I wouldn't think they would. Does anyone know?

not for me
The Dr. told me it would be better to wait a couple of years after the chemo and radiation. This made sense to me since i want the tissue to have plenty of time to heal first. My friend who has just had recon. also waited 2 years and she didn't have to have chemo or rads but her surgeon wanted to make sure she was completely healed. She just got it done..and they are almost perfect. You can't even tell. She has also regained feeling in her breast. I know everyone is different. but this is my story.
lots of luck
Jackie

Shaky and sleepless

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