I AM NEW TO THIS SITE AND HOPE SOMONE CAN TELL ME HOW I SHOULD FEEL

debmck98
debmck98 Member Posts: 4
edited March 2014 in Breast Cancer #1
I am a survivor not once but twice. On Tuesday August 28 2007 I had a mammogram. On September 4 I had my first appt with my Surgeon and he requested to do a biopsy On Sept 10 I had follow up with surgeon which is the day that changed my life forever when the surgeon told me it was cancer and I needed a mastectomy of the right breast as soon as possible.
I had a bi lateral Mastectomy. The news to my family was it was not in my lymph nodes and would only have to take oral chemo. I was ok if there is anything ok about cancer. I want back to see my surgeon only to get The bad news that my pathology report was Misread and it had spread into my lymph nodes They took out 14 lymph nodes it had spread into 3 of them which now meant Full blown chemo. On Thanksgiving day 2007 I hit a piece of black ice And when I did I hit gravel which then sent me into a ditch which flipped my car over and ripped the top of my car Right off and my face hit a fire hydrant. The hospital shipped me out to a bigger hospital. I had never been in so much pain in my entire life and it was so bad it took 4 days when a surgeon took me as a patient and did surgery that day and claims I was his worse case Ever that survived. He put 7 Plates under my left eye 7 plates in my left Jaw 5 plates in the right jaw. I had surgery on my 50th birthday Because of chemo I had MORE surgeries AND AS OF TODAY I NOW HAVE HAD 15 SURGERIES THAT I CAN REMEMBER. They say god never gives you more then you can handle but I sure wish he didn’t trust me so much. I have several Pictures I would love to share with you. I AM A SURVIVOR AND WANT TO TELL THE WORLD MY STORY!! I am now going through such depression because at the beginning I had so much support and I think most think once you are done with Chemo which I had for 7 months that you are better which I feel I was so busy then and now have time to think why me and also wonder if it is normal to remove yourself from everyone and I have gotten to the point I dont want to leave the house. Thank you to anyone who can understand all of this and let me know how I should feel.

Comments

  • redriverartist
    redriverartist Member Posts: 54
    #2
    Hi, Deb - You certainly were
    Hi, Deb - You certainly were hit with triple whammies! And what a shake up and total life style change! Chemo by itself carries some emotional roller coasters as well as physical ones. But your accident and additional surgeries on top of that must have been pure hell.

    It may be time to talk with a professional. Not wanting to leave the house is red flag that shouldn't be ignored. I don't know what your life was like before all this, but you need your life back.

    You'll find some amazing people here so just let it all out. We're here for you.

    Blessings and hugs, Teresa
  • Cindy54
    Cindy54 Member Posts: 452
    #3
    Your Story
    Deb...I think it is remarkable that you are still here on this earth and sharing your story with us. I feel in awe to meet you this way. To have survived 15 surgeries is in itself something that deserves to be celebrated.

    My story no where nears comparison to yours. I had a spinal cord tumor, breast cancer, and ovarian cancer, all in the space of 3 years. I also had some life changes. My Mom had ovarian, I took care of her until she passed. I have been through financial woes and the loss of a job. And also the loss of friends. There have been days like you, that I wanted to just stay in my house and leave the world to itself.

    But all those things made me a stronger person. Better in many ways than I was before. I am humbled at all that so many people here go through so much just to live. I have gained a view of myself that I never had before. Not proud, not arrogant. Just confident in that I am a survivor no matter what. I have something that a lot of other people don't. A perspective on how to really live life.And what's most important in it.

    If you feel like you are sliding down a dark road that doesn't seem to be ending. Please talk with someone professional about it. If there is a local support group in your city/town that deals with cancer survivors, by all means try it. And one thing that I think would really help you is writing. I think your story is one that needs to be told. And one that could give so much hope and encouragement to others. Start with just journeling and see where it takes you.

    Deb, you are a woman who has so much to offer to others.That you are still here to share your story is amazing. I am humbled by it. And grateful that you are still here to share it. Please post again. You have much to give and also receive here. Hugs, Cindy
  • zahalene
    zahalene Member Posts: 670
    #4
    you should feel....
    exactly as you are feeling. There is no 'should' attached to our emotions. They are what they are. The thing is to understand that emotions are just escape valves which keep us from exploding. Don't give them more power than they deserve in your life. If you need to get help in dealing with all this then go for it. Do whatever it takes to take back the life you have fought so hard to keep.
  • creampuff91344
    creampuff91344 Member Posts: 988
    #5
    zahalene said:

    you should feel....
    exactly as you are feeling. There is no 'should' attached to our emotions. They are what they are. The thing is to understand that emotions are just escape valves which keep us from exploding. Don't give them more power than they deserve in your life. If you need to get help in dealing with all this then go for it. Do whatever it takes to take back the life you have fought so hard to keep.

    After diagnosis, I crept
    After diagnosis, I crept into a deep, dark pit that was called depression, mainly because I had always been the one the entire family depended on to "fix it" when things went wrong. It just wasn't in my nature to have someone else do that work for me, and I felt like a failure as a human being. My oldest son finally called one day and said, "Mom, you have worked so hard to beat this cancer, you have followed doctors orders to the exact, so why would you want to waste all of that energy expended, and just give up." I guess I hadn't thought about it this way, and that was the day my life turned around. I had already wasted many months trying to make myself the person I was before diagnosis, and just couldn't accept anything less than "perfect". Life isn't perfect, and I know that I am a valuable part of my family's life, no matter how imperfect I may be. My grandson graduates in June of 2009, and everyone is concerned that I won't make it to his graduation. I am telling you right now, that child will not cross a stage to accept a well earned diploma without his grandmother being right there to witness the event. Set little goals for yourself, even if it is a trip to the grocery store for a stick of gum. Then set another goal. Before you know it, you are out and about, and getting back into the cycles of life. Don't beat yourself up because you can't go as much as you did before cancer and your accident, but rejoice in the little baby steps you take each and every day. Post when you have a down time, and post when you celebrate a victory. We will all be watching to see you progress. Hugs being sent to you.
    Judy
  • tasha_111
    tasha_111 Member Posts: 2,072
    #6
    creampuff91344 said:

    After diagnosis, I crept
    After diagnosis, I crept into a deep, dark pit that was called depression, mainly because I had always been the one the entire family depended on to "fix it" when things went wrong. It just wasn't in my nature to have someone else do that work for me, and I felt like a failure as a human being. My oldest son finally called one day and said, "Mom, you have worked so hard to beat this cancer, you have followed doctors orders to the exact, so why would you want to waste all of that energy expended, and just give up." I guess I hadn't thought about it this way, and that was the day my life turned around. I had already wasted many months trying to make myself the person I was before diagnosis, and just couldn't accept anything less than "perfect". Life isn't perfect, and I know that I am a valuable part of my family's life, no matter how imperfect I may be. My grandson graduates in June of 2009, and everyone is concerned that I won't make it to his graduation. I am telling you right now, that child will not cross a stage to accept a well earned diploma without his grandmother being right there to witness the event. Set little goals for yourself, even if it is a trip to the grocery store for a stick of gum. Then set another goal. Before you know it, you are out and about, and getting back into the cycles of life. Don't beat yourself up because you can't go as much as you did before cancer and your accident, but rejoice in the little baby steps you take each and every day. Post when you have a down time, and post when you celebrate a victory. We will all be watching to see you progress. Hugs being sent to you.
    Judy

    Hi
    Hello, Nice to meet you (But not like this). So sorry you went through the mill like you did. I hope that there is sunshine and flowers ahead of you, you have had all the trauma you need (and much more) . Big Hug Jxxxxx
  • tgf
    tgf Member Posts: 950 Member
    #7
    tasha_111 said:

    Hi
    Hello, Nice to meet you (But not like this). So sorry you went through the mill like you did. I hope that there is sunshine and flowers ahead of you, you have had all the trauma you need (and much more) . Big Hug Jxxxxx

    Writing
    Hi Deb,

    I just wanted to let you know that I totally agree with Cindy when she suggested writing. You have been through more in just a few years than most people go through during their entire lives. You really DO have a story to tell. A story of overcoming obstacles and surviving.

    You are an inspiration to us all.

    hugs.
    Teena
  • peggy65
    peggy65 Member Posts: 100
    #8
    oh my goodness! here comes a
    oh my goodness! here comes a huge HUG! your road has been full of twists and turns, the good news is that you are still able to tell your story. i just posted a new idea for a section pertaining to survivors after treatment. i would venture to say that almost all survivors go into some degree of depression. we struggle with self image, fatigue, DEPRESSION and having to deal with people telling us we look great when inside we feel terrible. i am just beginning to leave the house, it was much easier to just stay at home. i felt and still do to some extent that i don't have the energy or desire to put on the happy face when i am in public. i totally understand that. i am on antidepressants, 2, and am starting to feel a little more stable. my biggest challenge has been that i am not the way that i used to be, instead of accepting that i have been fighting it without showing much patience with the situation. i am just now moving along with that mainly because it is wasted negative energy and very unhealthy for me. anyway back to you. you will find support and love on this site. we have all struggled with cancer and the horrific treatments. your body has been violated with poisons and it will take some time to begin to have our bodies rejuvenate. as far as feeling or being "normal", you are normal. you have been through the ringer, give yourself some slack. oh god, you sound like me. so i am giving you the advice that many people have given me. you are grieving and you certainly have a right to grieve. are you seeing a therapist or a psychiatrist for meds? as everyone tells me, this too shall pass. it is just taking a longer time that i or you anticipated. stop beating yourself up. you are a good person who has had an incredible year. may god hold you in his hand and you begin your recovery. let me know how you are doing. hugs, peggy

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