Why

chetra
Sorry to hear you are having a bad day chetra. I hate to hear those stupid words too. My least favorite is when they say , "You are so strong. You will get through this." I only have one good friend in another state who calls on me to see how I am, and I have a BIG family and not one of them have called - ever! You are fortunate to have 3 on one day. You should tell one of them what you told us, That you really need someone to REALLY listen. Listen to your pain, fears and feelings. Meanwhile we are here 4 U dear, 24/7.
Milly

oh my goodness, do i
oh my goodness, do i remember those days. you sound like you really don't feel well and you are sick of people giving you advice to feeling better. when that happened to me i used to feel guilty and think yeah, get with the program, peggy. but now i have discovered that i will own the way that i feel and if someone else doesn't agree with that, it doesn't matter. you know that friends and family care about you and want you to feel better as you do but sometimes people just have to be present with a cancer patient and keep their mouths quiet. people who have not had cancer don't have any idea how you feel. i remember when i did not feel well, i would be down in the dumps and it would be construed as i was giving up. i wasn't giving up i was sick. now that i am finished with treatment people always say to me you look fabulous! well often i don't feel fabulous but am sick of trying to explain the cancer journey. people who care about you only want you to feel better and have all sorts of advice for you. remember when you married or had children, don't know if you did or didn't, anyway everyone had advice and opinions for you. i feel now that i am coming out the other side, i will spend some time educating people about breast cancer. it is very complicated. stay in touch. blessings, peggy

Not yet
I haven't experienced this yet, but as the matriach of the family, I know it's coming.

Every Christmas, my children come home, and the house swells from 2 up to 8-16, depending on how many in-laws and aunts and uncles come for various meals. I get lots of help, but when the weather is bad, allergies flare up or everyone gets a cold--I never get anything. Or at least no one knows about it if I do. When everyone finally leaves, I stop pretending. It's depressing when the holiday excitement ends, and the big let-down. And then I pamper myself, get the cold, stay in bed late, or go to bed early.

I don't think I'm going to pretend through this--but not sure how people will accept me not feeling well.

Guess we'll just have to see.

Lisa

Take care of you
Hi Chetra,
I haven't gotten to that place yet either, since I'm still waiting for surgery, but I already get the "you-are-so-strong" "be tough" blah, blah, blah, and it seems like there is a huge amount of pressure to act the way other people want to see you. Few people really want to know what you're feeling because it might scare them.

Actually, the only people I've talked to who absolutely "get it" are other survivors. Everyone else is clueless....well-meaning and full of love, but clueless just the same. I think that's why I've pretty much isolated myself from anyone I don't absolutely have to deal with. I get overwhelmed by people anyway, and since the dx it's been worse.

One thing I did to help cope was start an email list, right after my dx, where I told everyone what was going on, explained that as much as I loved everyone and understood their concern for me, I didn't have the energy or wish to be on the phone constantly. I told them I would keep them updated about what was going on, and if there was something they could do I'd let them know. I call it, "Keeping You Abreast of the Situation..." (humor helps, when you can manage it). People have pretty much just emailed and respected my wishes. I have bared all the details and information possible, and everyone seems to appreciate it. The few people who I don't mind talking to are also people to whom I can be honest and say I'm too tired or sick or whatever.

And I agree with others here that encourage us to give concerned friends something specific to do in the way of meals, beverages, errands, etc. I'm thinking about telling everyone on my e-list to send one yard of brightly colored ribbon, that I will tie on the branches of a tree in my yard and call it The Healing Tree...and when I look at it, I will know that there are many people who care about me and want me to get better. It's something easy for friends and relatives to do, and it's something I will enjoy looking at. And if I'm too sick to tie the ribbons on, I'll ask some other want-to-do-gooder to do it.

Sooooooo...I know this doesn't help you physically feel better, but at least it was something to read! I do hope you feel a little better today. There are so many wonderful women here who care about you. Feel whatever you want to feel, and try to ask for whatever it is you need that will help you.

I'm getting the feeling, in reading all the posts here, that all of us are the type that are used to taking care of everyone else and not ourselves. I certainly know that's true for me, and that this is turning out to be one hell of a lesson that's going to get harder before it gets easier. I'm so glad all of you are here to help us feel like we're OK no matter what we're feeling.

bfbear said:

Take care of you
Hi Chetra,
I haven't gotten to that place yet either, since I'm still waiting for surgery, but I already get the "you-are-so-strong" "be tough" blah, blah, blah, and it seems like there is a huge amount of pressure to act the way other people want to see you. Few people really want to know what you're feeling because it might scare them.

Actually, the only people I've talked to who absolutely "get it" are other survivors. Everyone else is clueless....well-meaning and full of love, but clueless just the same. I think that's why I've pretty much isolated myself from anyone I don't absolutely have to deal with. I get overwhelmed by people anyway, and since the dx it's been worse.

One thing I did to help cope was start an email list, right after my dx, where I told everyone what was going on, explained that as much as I loved everyone and understood their concern for me, I didn't have the energy or wish to be on the phone constantly. I told them I would keep them updated about what was going on, and if there was something they could do I'd let them know. I call it, "Keeping You Abreast of the Situation..." (humor helps, when you can manage it). People have pretty much just emailed and respected my wishes. I have bared all the details and information possible, and everyone seems to appreciate it. The few people who I don't mind talking to are also people to whom I can be honest and say I'm too tired or sick or whatever.

And I agree with others here that encourage us to give concerned friends something specific to do in the way of meals, beverages, errands, etc. I'm thinking about telling everyone on my e-list to send one yard of brightly colored ribbon, that I will tie on the branches of a tree in my yard and call it The Healing Tree...and when I look at it, I will know that there are many people who care about me and want me to get better. It's something easy for friends and relatives to do, and it's something I will enjoy looking at. And if I'm too sick to tie the ribbons on, I'll ask some other want-to-do-gooder to do it.

Sooooooo...I know this doesn't help you physically feel better, but at least it was something to read! I do hope you feel a little better today. There are so many wonderful women here who care about you. Feel whatever you want to feel, and try to ask for whatever it is you need that will help you.

I'm getting the feeling, in reading all the posts here, that all of us are the type that are used to taking care of everyone else and not ourselves. I certainly know that's true for me, and that this is turning out to be one hell of a lesson that's going to get harder before it gets easier. I'm so glad all of you are here to help us feel like we're OK no matter what we're feeling.

Be Strong
We are so proud of you....Be strong, I couldn't have done it......

I tell you, the next person to come up with that drivel will be kicked........AND HARD!

Let's do a Criss-Cross........ you shoot mine, I'll shoot yours , nobody will ever know........ Hugs J XXXXXXXX