Stealth CSN reader
I'm telling you all this because I have been suffering with awful depression and anxiety (and still am). But this epiphany: " I get to be old!" made me cry and cry and cry, not for sadness, or not only for sadness and the passing of time, but for the richness of life and the joy of it.
Lynn
Comments
-
dearest Lynn
You just touched my heart with all of the beautiful things you said, not only with the love you share with us sisters but your description of the joy coming back into your life. You will "get to be old" and as full as joy as that beautiful smile on your picture shows.
Congratulations on all the blessings you have received lately..no lymphedema, your adventurous life, a daughter getting married (and you get to dance at it!) a wonderful family..and God is giving this all back to you.
Love
Jackie0 -
the journey
This entire diagnosis, treatment, recovery is a process and just part of our journey through life. Several ladies on this board have mentioned that this experience produces a "new normal". And I think mourning the old normal" while adjusting to our new lives is just fine even if it is difficult to deal with at the time. I'm still in treatment and and getting better about it but still cry easily and *hate* some of the changes. But I'm still here and happy to be alive. Hang in there.
Maureen0 -
SENDING HUGS
Hi Lynn,
I am so happy to hear from you and thrilled to hear you are getting back to doing the fun things in life! I too skied this season for the first time since my last cancer in o7, I was unable to do so last year due to complications. I bet it was a real thrill to be back on the slopes!
Thank you for asking about me I am doing fine and feel very blessed to have such wonderful people such as yourself in my life!
Congratulations on your daughters upcoming wedding, what a special day that will be! Put on your dancing shoes and go have a great time!
Many many hugs,
Rena0 -
Hi Lynn...
I just turned 55. My kids are grown, but I have two awesome-tastic young grandkids.
On the day I finished my last rad in February, I was in a euphoric state. Truly. Couldn't stop smiling and simply enjoying every moment of every day.
That lasted until just a couple of weeks ago. I'm not sure what happened, but I suddenly found myself wavering somewhere between hysteria and depression. And I still am.
I can take one or two stresses at a time, and then I feel as if I'm going to shatter into a million pieces. And I don't like it a bit.
I have become short tempered, especially when someone in my family wants to tell me their "troubles". Or when something here breaks or stops working. Anything that puts any kind of pressure on me. My solution has been to try and hide from everyone. I screen phone calls...if it's one of my kids, I listen first to see if their voices sound upset or angry. If it's my husband calling from work, I wait to see if he is sounding pleasant. You get the picture.
It's like I suddenly simply cannot handle any more, from anyone. And it makes me even more depressed and sad....or else in a state of near panic. It's crazy!
I'm already taking an anti-depressant (I would hate to see what I would be like if I weren't) and I also take Xanax, although not every day.
I think I will get to be old, at least I hope so. But I also spend a lot of my time worrying that the cancer will come back sometime, somewhere. Deep down, I feel like I'm living on borrowed time, while the rest of the people in my world think and treat me as though I should be back to my normal (before cancer) self.
Thank God for this board or else I would never be able to express my feelings. Or have them understood.
Ok, I've gone on enough about me. Not even sure why I unloaded all of that.
It's very nice to "meet" you and God Bless!
CR0 -
Here's to you!
Thank you for posting~it is aways a pleasure to see your name and smiling face on the boards!
Yes! Yes! Yes! You do get to be old; what a grand concept! I am a year older than you, and trust me, I am enjoying as many minutes as I possibly can! I rejoined a Jazzercise class yesterday, and it was sooo much fun! The best part is, I kept up for the entire hour, and even better, my body is NOT sore this morning!
I'm so glad you don't have lymphedema, and that you went skiing, and have a wedding to celebrate!
We are indeed family, aren't we? Closer than many "natural, physical" ones are, in many cases.
Have a wonderful week!
Hugs,
Claudia0 -
CRCR1954 said:Hi Lynn...
I just turned 55. My kids are grown, but I have two awesome-tastic young grandkids.
On the day I finished my last rad in February, I was in a euphoric state. Truly. Couldn't stop smiling and simply enjoying every moment of every day.
That lasted until just a couple of weeks ago. I'm not sure what happened, but I suddenly found myself wavering somewhere between hysteria and depression. And I still am.
I can take one or two stresses at a time, and then I feel as if I'm going to shatter into a million pieces. And I don't like it a bit.
I have become short tempered, especially when someone in my family wants to tell me their "troubles". Or when something here breaks or stops working. Anything that puts any kind of pressure on me. My solution has been to try and hide from everyone. I screen phone calls...if it's one of my kids, I listen first to see if their voices sound upset or angry. If it's my husband calling from work, I wait to see if he is sounding pleasant. You get the picture.
It's like I suddenly simply cannot handle any more, from anyone. And it makes me even more depressed and sad....or else in a state of near panic. It's crazy!
I'm already taking an anti-depressant (I would hate to see what I would be like if I weren't) and I also take Xanax, although not every day.
I think I will get to be old, at least I hope so. But I also spend a lot of my time worrying that the cancer will come back sometime, somewhere. Deep down, I feel like I'm living on borrowed time, while the rest of the people in my world think and treat me as though I should be back to my normal (before cancer) self.
Thank God for this board or else I would never be able to express my feelings. Or have them understood.
Ok, I've gone on enough about me. Not even sure why I unloaded all of that.
It's very nice to "meet" you and God Bless!
CR
I am still in radiation, but, I know what you mean. I think I felt that happy way when I found out that my MRI "showed nothing new", my margins were clean and I found out that I wouldn't have to take chemo. But, as you, it was shortlived. Maybe I will feel it again when I am done with radiation, but, I don't know. This is my 2nd time with breast cancer. I had it in 1985 first. So, I think my mind is just saying "i wonder when it will happen again and where." And, noone can understand unless they have been thru it. I put on a happy face most of the time for my husband, my family and friends, but, when I am alone...it is gone. So, they all think I am doing great. I think that since this radiation is the last of my treatment...people think that we should be ok by now. After all, we are almost done. How wrong they are......... Thanks for your reply CR..it gave me a chance to unload here too.
hugs to all0 -
Hi CRCR1954 said:Hi Lynn...
I just turned 55. My kids are grown, but I have two awesome-tastic young grandkids.
On the day I finished my last rad in February, I was in a euphoric state. Truly. Couldn't stop smiling and simply enjoying every moment of every day.
That lasted until just a couple of weeks ago. I'm not sure what happened, but I suddenly found myself wavering somewhere between hysteria and depression. And I still am.
I can take one or two stresses at a time, and then I feel as if I'm going to shatter into a million pieces. And I don't like it a bit.
I have become short tempered, especially when someone in my family wants to tell me their "troubles". Or when something here breaks or stops working. Anything that puts any kind of pressure on me. My solution has been to try and hide from everyone. I screen phone calls...if it's one of my kids, I listen first to see if their voices sound upset or angry. If it's my husband calling from work, I wait to see if he is sounding pleasant. You get the picture.
It's like I suddenly simply cannot handle any more, from anyone. And it makes me even more depressed and sad....or else in a state of near panic. It's crazy!
I'm already taking an anti-depressant (I would hate to see what I would be like if I weren't) and I also take Xanax, although not every day.
I think I will get to be old, at least I hope so. But I also spend a lot of my time worrying that the cancer will come back sometime, somewhere. Deep down, I feel like I'm living on borrowed time, while the rest of the people in my world think and treat me as though I should be back to my normal (before cancer) self.
Thank God for this board or else I would never be able to express my feelings. Or have them understood.
Ok, I've gone on enough about me. Not even sure why I unloaded all of that.
It's very nice to "meet" you and God Bless!
CR
I'll be 54 in June, have a grown daughter, 2 grandkids, and a 10-yr-old at home...and I totally understand how you feel, even though I am just starting into all of this (dx 3/13/09 hi-grade DCIS; dbl. mastectomy scheduled for 5/6/09).
I also am the lucky recipient of life-long clinical depression, and all this has had an interesting effect. When I am out in the community, I can put on a cheerful, nothing-bothers-me, mask -- people think I am so "amazing and positive!!". But at home, when I can relax, I feel exactly as you described: the feeling of being ready to shatter into a million pieces, the short-temperedness with any more than a couple of minor challenges, the not wanting to be around anyone, ever. There's also the inability to concentrate for long, and the lack of motivation to do much of anything that I don't have to.
But with my experience with depression, I think all this is at least partially a function of the anti-depressants not working the way they should. My rational brain knows that these feelings are not truly cancer-related other than the cancer is another straw breaking the camel's back. And CR, just because you've finished your last rad treatment, doesn't mean you are magically removed from all that has happened over the last year (or two).
I believe we all are susceptible to a form of post-traumatic stress syndrome from whatever BC experiences we have survived or are in the midst of. And support groups and therapists who specifically deal with cancer-related issues are probably good things to have in our "survival kits," for as long as we need them.
(Boy, I sound wise today...if I can just learn to heed my own advice as easily as I can write it, I'll be much better off!!)
In any case, hang in there, talk to your docs about more or different anti-depressants, think about trying to find a face-to-face support group (?), and keep posting here. I am sooooooooooo glad I discovered this site early on -- it has already been invaluable, and you can just feel the love flow through the computer screen!
And take deep breaths.
Love,
Debi0 -
Hichenheart said:Here's to you!
Thank you for posting~it is aways a pleasure to see your name and smiling face on the boards!
Yes! Yes! Yes! You do get to be old; what a grand concept! I am a year older than you, and trust me, I am enjoying as many minutes as I possibly can! I rejoined a Jazzercise class yesterday, and it was sooo much fun! The best part is, I kept up for the entire hour, and even better, my body is NOT sore this morning!
I'm so glad you don't have lymphedema, and that you went skiing, and have a wedding to celebrate!
We are indeed family, aren't we? Closer than many "natural, physical" ones are, in many cases.
Have a wonderful week!
Hugs,
Claudia
What lovely postings you do.. Please carry on forever! Luv Jxxxxxxxx0 -
I feel Honored
Thank you Lynn, I feel very honored to be a part of this group. Though no one wants to have cancer, everyone here on this board has been inspiring and if it wasn't for cancer I never would have met each and everyone of you. I will be 51 this year with an 18 yr old and a soon to be sweet 16 yr old and I thank God every day for having given me this time with my family and friends. I hope to be around and get "old" with you as well.
You have much to celebrate also. Your daughter's wedding (how exciting) and yes also getting "old", LOL... Just know we are here for you and everyone else on this board because that is what "family" is all about. Love you, Lili
PS: And thanks for the mention. LOL And on Friday, when everyone toasts the bride and groom, remember to give yourself a little toast also, as you deserve it after this long and daunting journey. We'll be there with you in spirit.0
Discussion Boards
- All Discussion Boards
- 6 CSN Information
- 6 Welcome to CSN
- 121.8K Cancer specific
- 2.8K Anal Cancer
- 446 Bladder Cancer
- 309 Bone Cancers
- 1.6K Brain Cancer
- 28.5K Breast Cancer
- 397 Childhood Cancers
- 27.9K Colorectal Cancer
- 4.6K Esophageal Cancer
- 1.2K Gynecological Cancers (other than ovarian and uterine)
- 13K Head and Neck Cancer
- 6.4K Kidney Cancer
- 671 Leukemia
- 792 Liver Cancer
- 4.1K Lung Cancer
- 5.1K Lymphoma (Hodgkin and Non-Hodgkin)
- 237 Multiple Myeloma
- 7.1K Ovarian Cancer
- 61 Pancreatic Cancer
- 487 Peritoneal Cancer
- 5.5K Prostate Cancer
- 1.2K Rare and Other Cancers
- 539 Sarcoma
- 730 Skin Cancer
- 653 Stomach Cancer
- 191 Testicular Cancer
- 1.5K Thyroid Cancer
- 5.8K Uterine/Endometrial Cancer
- 6.3K Lifestyle Discussion Boards