Reality setting in.... needing a pep talk
All along, I have been given a very good prognosis. The doctors have said it was caught early, the surgery produced clean margins.. it was a polyp-a T1 with 1 node of 26...my oncologist at my first visit told me i was going to be fine, says there is no longer any sign of cancer in my body...cea is 0.3.. scans clear etc..the online memorial sloan calculator says my odds of being cancer free 5 years from now are 97%..so i should feel great, right?? Since i was dx last july i had not been able to find anyone else in my stage (IIIa) that had had a recurrence, so that further added to my feeling positive about things...but this week i have learned of 2 people in my stage that have progressed and a third in a waiting game, and now i feel like i have been hit in the stomach, and am realizing for the first time that indeed, 97% doesn't really mean anything when there is the 3% chance it COUlD recur... ( i try and think that i have already beaten the odds by the fact that my chances of getting this cancer in the first place was only 6%, and I am holding on to that with everything....)
My first ct scan said i had an ovarian cyst likely physiolologic,,now i am obsessed with reading the results of my recent ct scan wondering if that cyst is still there and if it could actually be mets to the ovary.. (wouldn't they have looked at my ovary when i had surgery??) my LDH has been running high and my doctor says i have no reason to worry as scans are clear..but now i am very worried thinking about it... If the chemo doesn't work then why do we do it?? We put ourselves through hell for a 20% chance at it working...it just makes me so mad...
The thing that makes me the most sad is that i had signs and symptoms for over a year and i ignored them.. i have 2 little kids at home and the thought of not being there for them makes me so angry at myself over this....
i realize there are others in much more serious situations than me right now and i should not be putting the cart before the horse, but just needing a little pep talk right now...i hate cancer...
Comments
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I understand- here's an idea
Polarprincess,
I hear you loud and clear, and can totally relate to what you're feeling. I, too, feel like I'm normally positive about 95% of the time, but have still succumbed to "the worries" and feeling more negative at times. I hate cancer too! Yes, it will probably be an ongoing worry for all of us in this situation. Life will never be the same. Like you, I also ignored my symptoms at first and never thought of cancer as a possibility (or I pushed that thought out of my mind, anyhow). You can't let these worries become all-consuming thoughts, or it will eat you up so you can't function.
97% chances of beating this is HUGE- you will be in that category!!! You just need to let it go. I just thought of something kind of tangible to let the worries go. It may sound silly but- who knows- it could work. Here's my idea... make a ceremony out of it- write all your fears, worries, and frustrations down on paper- let it ALL out! Then, crumple the paper into a hard ball and light it on fire (safely, of course!) Worries gone! It's only symbolic, of course, but sometimes symbolic acts like that can really help. Let me know if you actually try that.
Prayer is what keeps me going. I talk to God constantly- way more than I ever did before getting cancer. I even voice my frustrations and worries and give those worries over to him- sometimes on a daily basis. I'll be praying for peace for you.
Take care & I'm glad you voiced your worries on this board. As you know, sometimes the one who does the encouraging most of the time also at times needs encouragement his/herself.
Check back in with us- I'll be praying your worries will be lifted.
Lisa0 -
Hi Polarprincess,
My name is **** and I'm Kathleen's husband. I was diagnosed with Stage 3C CC (7/17) in January 2009. The Diagnosis plunges the Diagnosee into a whole new reality and for me it was a total surprise. I'm sorry that you are worried right now. Concern seems natural enough but I like a 97% success rate. When I read your message I thought 97%, that's got to be close to mortality odds for the General Population.......other illness, accidents etc........Personally, I know you have got this thing beat already but an Oncologist that we visited at USC (Dr. Heinz Lenz) told me......"Your 3 month CTs for the next 2 years have a 3mm resolution. Even if you go to stage 4 it will be caught early enough that it is totally beatable." (or words to that effect) A mindset that I have found empowering is the cultivation and maintenance of my immune system. Kathleen and I read a book that said the average American beats Cancer 6 times in their lives and they never even know. Once we get off Chemo it will be up to our immune system to be our body guard. I find comfort in the process of boosting my immune system between Chemo sessions. Exercise, nutrition, low stress, joy and passion are all great immune boosters. Cancer is the ultimate "Beyond our control" experience.......as a result, there is a lot to be said for Denial. At the end of the day when we've seen all the doctors endured all the treatments and visited all the websites.......It's time to let it go (easier said than done). There is no upside to dwelling on scenarios that we can't control. Trust me I've done it. Cancer brings the gift of clarity. It cuts through the BS. Enjoy your precious children, pursue your passions, start paying attention to your retirement account your going to need it. We'll be praying for your continued health and that you find peace and joy again soon.
Aloha,
****0 -
Wow, **** is 'Right On!'
Polarprincess, do the numbers! 100 - 97 = 3 and you've 'met' the 3 and it 'ain't' you. Okay, so I'm silly but sometimes silly is good.
**** is so very right and Lisa has some very wise insights. When I mentioned my 29% chance of dying to my surgeon, he pointed out that HE had about a 30% chance of dying within five years because of his age, gender and high pressure job even without cancer. Puts it in perspective.
Please exercise! It raises survival rates by 55%. That brings YOU to 98.65%! Eat right. Keep your weight down. PRAY and laugh! The Bible tells us that 'a joyful heart is good medicine but a broken spirit dries up the bones'. You're a WINNER! I salute you!
God Bless and have a wonderful, laughter filled day!
Diane0 -
Great advice!usakat said:Wow!!!
Excellent advice, ****...I would have struggled to say it so well...
You and Kathleen are the coolest!
Many blessings to both of you for health and happiness.
Aloha!
Katie
I ditto what Katie says... excellent post, ****!! PolarP... take ****'s post and breathe a big sigh of relief! I think what you are feeling right now is exactly what Dixchi mentioned... it's that horrid feeling of letting go after putting up such a huge battle to get where you are now and where all of us want to be. It takes so much energy, adrenalin, fear and every emotion under the rainbow to put up the fight and continue the fight when we are not feeling well and yet so scared at the same time... that when you don't need to fight as hard anymore, it's impossible to let go of those emotions. Some of them just lessen on their own, like adrenalin, so we seem to hold onto the ones we can, fear being at the top of the heap.
With 97% odds of beating the monster... that makes you a super human!! How many people die of every day accidents? They weren't even thinking of death and poof it's over for them. You, on the other hand, have been thinking of death nonstop since you were diagnosed and now are being told if you DO die, it's almost a given it won't be from cancer. So it's ok... you can let it go... and give yourself a break from worrying
It will just be a matter of time and you will find a new cause to worry about... we are human, that appears to be our job
Hugggggs,
Cheryl
PS: ****, it is soooooo good to see you post here!! Now I want more posts from you and Kathleen!! You both are wonderful and it's a breath of fresh air to hear from the two of you 0 -
Faith and Determination!!!
Hello Princess ~
The very wise Benjamin Franklin, said, "Do not anticipate trouble or worry about what may never happen. Keep in the sunlight."
97% is about as good as it gets in life. In spite of how invincible we think we are, we are indeed very fragile creatures, but thankly we are blessed with strong wills to thrive and seek happiness. Thank God and the universe for that! Right?
For me, the best thing I have done to keep myself from worry is two things:
1. As my husband says, practice "robust surveilence". Follow ****'s advice, live well, live strong, and monitor your health carefully. If something does not feel right, go get it checked out and ease your mind. Get yourself on a schedule for routine check ups, scans, scopes, etc. DOING something proactive is very empowering.
2. Live life in spite of cancer! Don't give cancer the power to make you emotionally miserable. We cannot choose cancer, but we do get to choose how we deal with it. Go ahead, say it.....**** CANCER!!!
As for that ovarian cyst. Each month when a woman ovulates, a cyst is created where the egg vacates the ovary. If I remember correctly, it's called a Nabothian Cyst - totally benign (you can do an internet/Google search). But to ease your mind, go see your gynecologist.
Remember that sage advice - worrying about tomorrow robs you the joy of living today.
Be well...be happy!
Katie0 -
Yes...excellent advice.....CherylHutch said:Great advice!
I ditto what Katie says... excellent post, ****!! PolarP... take ****'s post and breathe a big sigh of relief! I think what you are feeling right now is exactly what Dixchi mentioned... it's that horrid feeling of letting go after putting up such a huge battle to get where you are now and where all of us want to be. It takes so much energy, adrenalin, fear and every emotion under the rainbow to put up the fight and continue the fight when we are not feeling well and yet so scared at the same time... that when you don't need to fight as hard anymore, it's impossible to let go of those emotions. Some of them just lessen on their own, like adrenalin, so we seem to hold onto the ones we can, fear being at the top of the heap.
With 97% odds of beating the monster... that makes you a super human!! How many people die of every day accidents? They weren't even thinking of death and poof it's over for them. You, on the other hand, have been thinking of death nonstop since you were diagnosed and now are being told if you DO die, it's almost a given it won't be from cancer. So it's ok... you can let it go... and give yourself a break from worrying It will just be a matter of time and you will find a new cause to worry about... we are human, that appears to be our job
Hugggggs,
Cheryl
PS: ****, it is soooooo good to see you post here!! Now I want more posts from you and Kathleen!! You both are wonderful and it's a breath of fresh air to hear from the two of you
I have 4 kids and there is one thing you have to remember, one day we will all pass on, it is up to the man upstairs to decide when it will be. You are one most likely to live a long and fruitful life. You must start to live it instead of not being around for it, for if you don't celebrate everyday what good are each and every one. You have fought the battle and won. You also have 2 children that need for you to be happy for them. Have you tried meds...I had the same feelings of dread but with meds (prozac) I have learned to take my life back and not dwell on something I can't control. Also the main thing....talk with God...it will give you peace and allow you to rid yourself of your troubles. Find a Pastor and speak to him..you may find it a blessing.....Enjoy everyday of your life, you have definitely earned the right to........God Bless ya Hun....0 -
This might make you smile....usakat said:Faith and Determination!!!
Hello Princess ~
The very wise Benjamin Franklin, said, "Do not anticipate trouble or worry about what may never happen. Keep in the sunlight."
97% is about as good as it gets in life. In spite of how invincible we think we are, we are indeed very fragile creatures, but thankly we are blessed with strong wills to thrive and seek happiness. Thank God and the universe for that! Right?
For me, the best thing I have done to keep myself from worry is two things:
1. As my husband says, practice "robust surveilence". Follow ****'s advice, live well, live strong, and monitor your health carefully. If something does not feel right, go get it checked out and ease your mind. Get yourself on a schedule for routine check ups, scans, scopes, etc. DOING something proactive is very empowering.
2. Live life in spite of cancer! Don't give cancer the power to make you emotionally miserable. We cannot choose cancer, but we do get to choose how we deal with it. Go ahead, say it.....**** CANCER!!!
As for that ovarian cyst. Each month when a woman ovulates, a cyst is created where the egg vacates the ovary. If I remember correctly, it's called a Nabothian Cyst - totally benign (you can do an internet/Google search). But to ease your mind, go see your gynecologist.
Remember that sage advice - worrying about tomorrow robs you the joy of living today.
Be well...be happy!
Katie
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AGUsRGuZb6k 0 -
thanks
i want to thank everyone for your wonderful and encouraging comments, suggestions, song etc... and i know you are all right..and like i said, usually i am feeling pretty good, but for some reason on chemo week when i am feeling the side effects, i get a little down.. and i am in so much pain right now from hemorrhoids and sore skin STILL from radiation i had back in october that just doesn't heal, and my husband is with the fire dept in Fargo ND fighting the flood so hasn't been home..and so i have been on the computer too much i guess and finding these stories of recurrences...so just a little temporary breakdown i hope.
i am completely with those of you who say to everything i can to keep my immune system up, and definitely i agree. I have 2 more chemos to go and then i will be in detox mode, and already i have a plan in place to hopefully prevent any recurrence...exercise. diet. etc...and for my piece of mind i need to keep an eye on that cyst.. i know when i did my radiation tattoing, the radiation onc said it wasn't visible on the ct scan then, but i had also had 2 cycles of chemo... my ovaries are pretty much fried now, so i would think that if there was anything there the radiation would have taken care of it.. but who knows??? Anyway.. thanks again so much everyone...0 -
I understand Polar Princesspolarprincess said:thanks
i want to thank everyone for your wonderful and encouraging comments, suggestions, song etc... and i know you are all right..and like i said, usually i am feeling pretty good, but for some reason on chemo week when i am feeling the side effects, i get a little down.. and i am in so much pain right now from hemorrhoids and sore skin STILL from radiation i had back in october that just doesn't heal, and my husband is with the fire dept in Fargo ND fighting the flood so hasn't been home..and so i have been on the computer too much i guess and finding these stories of recurrences...so just a little temporary breakdown i hope.
i am completely with those of you who say to everything i can to keep my immune system up, and definitely i agree. I have 2 more chemos to go and then i will be in detox mode, and already i have a plan in place to hopefully prevent any recurrence...exercise. diet. etc...and for my piece of mind i need to keep an eye on that cyst.. i know when i did my radiation tattoing, the radiation onc said it wasn't visible on the ct scan then, but i had also had 2 cycles of chemo... my ovaries are pretty much fried now, so i would think that if there was anything there the radiation would have taken care of it.. but who knows??? Anyway.. thanks again so much everyone...
I completely understand what you are going through. Every once in a while I get in the same funk especially when you start coming down with something as trivial as a cold. We are all highly sensitive to our bodies not that we have had the cancer experience. I have had cancer twice. The first time was Hodgkins 20 years ago and colon cancer 2 years ago. It took me a couple years to start feeling normal after the Hodgkins treatment and this last time around is not that much different. In fact my oncologist said it would take me a little longer to recover becaise of my first treatments of chemo and radiation. I am finally starting to feel better these days, I excercise, go to work and generally enjoy life. I am determined to live life to the fullest every day and you can too. I know it has hard when you are not feeling well but a day will come when you will say that I am feeling good and life is wonderful.
Cheers, Lance0 -
Polarprincess
PP,
You have gotten many great replies with wonderful advise. I really hope it helps. It is not possible to be 'up' 100% of the time. We all do the best we can, but reaching out is so helpful. I hope you are feeling somewhat better now.
There is one thing you said that hasn't been addressed yet, and really stuck out to me:
QUOTE: "i realize there are others in much more serious situations than me right now and i should not be putting the cart before the horse, but just needing a little pep talk right now...i hate cancer... "
This is how people isolate themselves and others. Yes, others have it worse. Yes, others have it better. YOU are dealing with what you are dealing with! It hurts me terribly when a friend starts to tell me about a situation in their lives and stops only to say, "But compared to all you're going through...". That is when they stop sharing their lives with me, when they feel my problems are too great to understand that they still have problems, too.
Don't underestimate your feelings. They are real and you have the right to them. Feelings are not rational, so you can know something intellectually and still 'feel' a different way.
Please continue to come here and share. Bad days, good days....sharing our lives is what matters. Here's hoping you move from NED to CURE! -- even with the emotional bumbs that are inevitable along the way.
Kimby0 -
I really needed this pep talk too!
I am so tired of this cancer! I just got out of the hospital March 17, and was back in 2 times overnight this week for severe contipation with my colostomy. I feel completely worn out, tired and can't even think how I am going to make it through my liver resection at MD Anderson April 9, then another round of chemo. I can't even get my bowels to work right without stool softners, laxatives and prune juice. I think back at how I took life for granted all before 12/1/08 and that is where I get depressed. I have a 4 year old and I feel like I am moving around the house like I am 95 years old and that can't be fun for her. I just want to feel good again and today that seems like it will be in forever. I am scared to eat because I am afraid I will get those horrible gas/constipation pains again. I am positive 95% of the time too, but I am seriously having a low point this week. So polarprincess, I know where you are coming from and I hate this too!!!0 -
Hello Kimby...kimby said:Polarprincess
PP,
You have gotten many great replies with wonderful advise. I really hope it helps. It is not possible to be 'up' 100% of the time. We all do the best we can, but reaching out is so helpful. I hope you are feeling somewhat better now.
There is one thing you said that hasn't been addressed yet, and really stuck out to me:
QUOTE: "i realize there are others in much more serious situations than me right now and i should not be putting the cart before the horse, but just needing a little pep talk right now...i hate cancer... "
This is how people isolate themselves and others. Yes, others have it worse. Yes, others have it better. YOU are dealing with what you are dealing with! It hurts me terribly when a friend starts to tell me about a situation in their lives and stops only to say, "But compared to all you're going through...". That is when they stop sharing their lives with me, when they feel my problems are too great to understand that they still have problems, too.
Don't underestimate your feelings. They are real and you have the right to them. Feelings are not rational, so you can know something intellectually and still 'feel' a different way.
Please continue to come here and share. Bad days, good days....sharing our lives is what matters. Here's hoping you move from NED to CURE! -- even with the emotional bumbs that are inevitable along the way.
Kimby
Beautiful words...beautiful lady!
Thanks for pointing out how important and wonderful it is to be connected to others.0
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