PTSD???

Therapies...
I'm 51 now--so I've been cancer free for over 50 years. I think maybe because I was so young when the cancer was removed (8 weeks) I didn't have what were considered 'normal' stress symptoms, but I grew up hypervigilent (always extra on edge and looking out for trouble) and pretty hyper in general. I NEVER expected to live past my thirtieth birthday--and remember feeling a bit odd when I hit 31! SO--I'd say that some of the odd feelings stay with you--but they mellow with time.

When you say PTSD are you talking fuul blown, flashbacks, nightmares, can't sleep, etc? Strangely, well into my '20s, I could still remember the ringing in my ears and would 'flash' on the Operating Room memories whenever I smelled ether (Back in the day they used ether to knock you out and it had a very distinctive 'flavor' or smell, and was frequently used in household items and drycleaning fluids, so I had multiple occasions to smell it. I thin that sort of flashing on things, when triggered, is pretty normal for a while, after all, your body and your psyche have been thru a huge trauma!

Still, I'm wondering, did the therapists you saw do EMDR with you? Because most PTSD victims have had great success working with a therapist trained in EMDR. You should have a therapist who is 'level 2 trained'. They are better equipped to deal with more difficult cases, and in the case of cancer, the problem is, you are still potentially on the battlefield--your fear that it could come back again are not completely unjustified. So there is some fear you (and other cancer survivors) will always live with. I call it 'the dragon who may be chasing me, but I'm not looking back to see...'

We KNOW how frail life is and that it is delicate. Most people your age do not know that. I remember being a loner growing up--partly because other kids never seemed to see things the way I did--like my 'innocence' was broken, along with me. I always got along better with other 'broken' kids who valued life more and were more psychologically sensative.

Have you tried journaling your everyday crises? I started journaling when I was about 18--and now I have over 30 years of my journey journaled! Not every day, but just the days I'm particularly jumpy or edgy or 'down'. I get a blank book with a pretty cover and started by writing letters to God, or to myself (As thoughI knew that in 5 years there would be an older me reading it--I'd actually ask myself questions and leave a space to write in the answer 5years later, like "I wonder, Maryruth, Do you still love Brian?" I found that writing poems was a good release and sometimes drawing was a good release--I did all of that in my private journal that no one but me got to see. And I really love going back to see the ways I have grown and the ways I am the same 30 years later!

Anyway--I don't know if any of this was helpful, but I hope so! Take good care of yourself and allow yourself some room to 'be a little crazy' now and then--you've earned the right!
--Maryruth