Lung Cancer inoperable

Check her forehead
Someone once explained to me that we are not like a bottle of milk: we have no expiration date stamped on our foreheads. Admittedly, doctors have generally been through this repeatedly and can make some good estimates, but those estimates rely on statistics and averages and actuarials. As Jany points out, each individual is different.

I will admit that a prognosis of metastasis to the brain is frightening, daunting. But please cast the timetables aside. Birth, as the old joke goes, is a fatal disease. The point should be that your mate now has some recognition that most folks do not appreciate: that life does not go on forever, and that we must cherish our time here, with our loved ones, with our friends, with the wonderful creations of humanity, with the bountiful beauty that is nature. We must enjoy our lives.

It is certainly not uncommon, upon such a pronouncement, for your mate to be depressed. It is not uncommon, either, for you to be depressed as well. I urge both of you, if you have not done so, to seek therapy.

I waa diagnosed in June of '07 with terminal lung cancer. It seemed that a previous cancer in my tongue/neck area had metastasized to my lungs and revealed a shotgun pattern in both lungs. I was told I had 'a minimum of 10 months to live'. I am writing this, so obviously some wires got crossed somewhere.

What happened, and I don't want to give you false hope, because your mate's case is clearly different, but I had an infection in my lungs that was mis-read. I DID end up with a small node removed by a lobectomy last January. And I am now cancer-free (at least for the moment).

But that is not, again, meant to provide false promise. It is a way to advise you that someone else has experienced that Dead Man Walking feeling. I did. For two or three months, we lived as if I were dying. So I know the feeling. I know how many thing that you do, you will do thinking "This is the last time we are likely to do this together." I know that you will attend parties or reunions or get-togethers and they will feel like living memorials. It is not a good feeling. I know this.

But here is what I came to realize: Cancer is going to get what it has to have. Doctors will try to minimize what it gets, but it will get what it gets. It is up to us not to let it have more than it must. I am not sure that makes any sense to anyone but me, but the point is that we cannot let it take our happiness, our joy, our love. It is not designed to do that. It may, ultimately, take our lives, but it is not designed to take those from us. Those we rob from ourselves, through our grief and depression, and, yes, our love.

As a caregiver, in my opinion, you actually have a more difficult job than your significant other, if there is love there, as I must assume is the case. It is easier to suffer the disease than to watch a loved one suffer, at least in my experience.

Seek therapy, learn to deal with your grief, and learn to celebrate, together, the time that you have left. Were it not for the cancer, after all, one of you could be run over by a bus tomorrow instead. You have, in a sense, a sort of warped gift, and the chance to appreciate, more than most people, the time you have remaining together...which may be longer than you have been told.

Best wishes and take care,

Joe