round 5 started yesterday

ahhh - and the feet and fingers were well on their way just at the sight of the ox! It is just so cold here, but then I think of another post - something about having to go through this in the summer, when you really want ice in your water - and wow - i'll take the cold. but even room temp drinks are getting me now, so its all hot chocolate and tea. Make sure to drink cold milk the day before tho..

I'm having real problems with my eyes tho - learned a lesson - do NOT change into new contacts! although only painful for a few minutes, it hurt! when you go out in the cold, make sure the eyes are dry - mine keep freezing and I can't see - freaky and scary. my face does all sorts of contortionistic things, lips go into pucker mode and can't get them out, must look funny to other people.

I was wide awake and reading the forums here at midnight. damn steroids, and I was so tired from spending the day at the hospital, doing nothing. up at 6am and at work at 7. major headache, and actually got a bit nauseous today, maybe the lack of food, but it's all so nasty. I lost 30 lbs with surgery, and have lost about 15 more since. I needed to loose weight, but would not recommend this diet.

Pump is out tomorrow afternoon, guess I will crash hard by 5pm. seem to be tired sooner and crashing longer now, don't like not feeling like myself. It's hard to believe that I miss cleaning out the fridge but i do. i miss living downstairs and the rest of the house - but it's so cold down there even when it's warm.

went to breakfast and the movies last saturday morning, thank goodness for all the previews - spent the whole time in the bathroom. spoke to the onc about it, he told me to keep a poop log for the next visit, and that i am probably not taking enough immodiun, but would write me a script for lomotil next time if i feel i need it. Now what I need is money to buy new underwear....and the will power to go to the store.

It's very hard to not be depressed. I miss the old party me. I hate asking for help. I hate all of this. then I come here and read stories, and I know I'm not alone, and there are so many worse off than me that I feel guitly feeling the way i feel. at least can still go to work even if it is half days (well, I throw a few 10 hour days in when I feel up to it). I've read up on radiation, and thank goodness I didn't have to do that. I'm still scared that even though they say they got it all, that i will go through this, and since they didn't do a full colonoscopy, I have to have another one for the rest, so what if they find something else? even though the PET scan said all was fine - what if? They did pluck out polyps too aside from the tumor, and they were benign, but still the thought will always be back there. Doc is pretty confident that I can have the port removed as soon as the chemo is done, and I want it out - its buggy and itchy.

oh yeah - monday went to get the script for the emla cream - stood there at target going through my purse, which i had cleaned out at work, which is why i remembered i had to get that filled before chemo the next morning - couldn't find it - stood there and cried, cause i knew I had it, and I knew I needed it. looked and felt completely stupid. so, went through the poke without it. told doc - he called it in for me so i won't have to worry about finding the paper. and reminded me that if that were to happen again ever - just have them call his office - duh....