How do you guys deal with extra stress?

daydreamer110761
daydreamer110761 Member Posts: 487 Member
edited March 2014 in Colorectal Cancer #1
My kids don't live with me. To avoid a long drawn out story - my 16 y/o son was supposed to be living with his father (who is basically useless). He is now sitting in Pinellas County Jail. He has been in and out of JDC (Juvenile detention) since last August, was supposed to have been completing a program. His dad basically would pick him up when he was released, then not see him again until he has been picked up for probation violation and it's time to visit him again. Dad lives with a girl that doesn't want to deal with Joe and won't let him live in her house. For many reasons, Joe couldn't come back here to live, one of them including my home being robbed to the tune of 10, 000, not by him, but by his friends after he left.

I am angry for many reasons, including the fact that no one knew he was being transferred to the big boy jail. I found out with a phone call. a collect call that cost me $25 for about 15 minutes. I am the only one he knows with a phone. He needs money in commissary. He's got a hearing Feb 9th, I assume he will be going somewhere for awhile, but at the moment, can't find anyone to talk to me. He had a public defender, but that is gone now since he was transferred to the adult end of the deal. He is a boy with a lot of emotional problems, especailly now. His crimes have escalated from misdemeanor pot charges up to burglary, and now there were guns involved - he didn't hold anyone up, yet i think he was stealing them from the place.

My question is this - isn't chemo enough? I know daily problems - finances, work, even just getting up some mornings is stressful. My daughter lives with a bum for a boyfriend - stressful to me too. My oldest lives in Maine and I rarely know what he's up to but he seems fine. My fiance wants to take my phone away so I can just concentrate on me, for while I thought that getting cancer was God's way of trying to teach me to concentrate on myself for awhile - I think I am way off - because now there is so much more thrown on the plate and i just don't what to do. I know he did what he did and has to suffer the consequences of his actions. It's still so hard to be a mom and have no control over what is going on, and to know where he is sitting, with no one to call or talk to, he doesn't understand what the judge says to him, and when asked if he had anything to say, he says no, doesn't even defend himself and goes with what they put on him. I am trying to find a guardian ad litem for him, at least that may help, but I just don't know...I'm so tired.

Comments

  • keepnthefaith
    keepnthefaith Member Posts: 36
    #2
    Unfortunately life continues
    Unfortunately life continues to go on around us even though we don't have the strength or mental stamina to deal with a lot of it. I am sorry that you have so many stressors in your life at a time when you need to focus on yourself. I have found that the older my children get the more I worry about them - it was so much easier when they were small and I made all the decisions. Kids can make some pretty stupid decisions when they think they are grown up. Even though your son has been "kicked up" to the big boy court he will still have an attorney appointed to him. You should be able to find out who this person is and let him know that you would like for him to ask the court for a guardian-ad-litem (GAL) for your son. In our are we have a program called CASA (court appointed special advocates) the program is appointed by the judge to be the GAL for a child and then the program appoints a specially trained volunteer to work on the child's behalf. It is an amazing program - but due to the fact that there are not enough volunteers in our area the only cases taken on by our CASA are Child Protective cases where a child has been removed from their home by the state - but I believe in other areas they take on other cases. You might check to see if there is a program in your area and see if the judge will appoint a CASA for your son. May be a long shot but definitely worth checking into.
    In answer to your question - yes, chemo is enough. Fighting cancer is hard work, thank goodness you have your fiance with you to help with the fight. But, it is hard to focus on this fight if one of your children is in trouble or danger. My son was in Iraq while I was going through chemo and there were some days that I felt so overwhelmed that I thought about giving up the fight and stopping the chemo. I didn't. (My son made some really stupid decisions before he joined the Marines). At least with your son sitting in jail he is safe - you really just have to grasp at whatever positive you can find and go with that. Oh and as far as the commissary goes - he should be able to earn money for the things he wants, every thing he NEEDS is provided for him. So if you don't have the money to give him, he will be fine. Since you are his mom it is a good thing you have no control over the situation. Moms like us tend to enable our children to continue to make stupid mistakes and it is only after we can no longer rescue them that they seem to figure out that they need to straighten up their lives.
    I am praying for you and your son. Do what you can for him, but keep your focus on fighting the cancer.
    Felicia
  • Unknown
    Unknown
    #3
    keepnthefaith said:

    Unfortunately life continues
    Unfortunately life continues to go on around us even though we don't have the strength or mental stamina to deal with a lot of it. I am sorry that you have so many stressors in your life at a time when you need to focus on yourself. I have found that the older my children get the more I worry about them - it was so much easier when they were small and I made all the decisions. Kids can make some pretty stupid decisions when they think they are grown up. Even though your son has been "kicked up" to the big boy court he will still have an attorney appointed to him. You should be able to find out who this person is and let him know that you would like for him to ask the court for a guardian-ad-litem (GAL) for your son. In our are we have a program called CASA (court appointed special advocates) the program is appointed by the judge to be the GAL for a child and then the program appoints a specially trained volunteer to work on the child's behalf. It is an amazing program - but due to the fact that there are not enough volunteers in our area the only cases taken on by our CASA are Child Protective cases where a child has been removed from their home by the state - but I believe in other areas they take on other cases. You might check to see if there is a program in your area and see if the judge will appoint a CASA for your son. May be a long shot but definitely worth checking into.
    In answer to your question - yes, chemo is enough. Fighting cancer is hard work, thank goodness you have your fiance with you to help with the fight. But, it is hard to focus on this fight if one of your children is in trouble or danger. My son was in Iraq while I was going through chemo and there were some days that I felt so overwhelmed that I thought about giving up the fight and stopping the chemo. I didn't. (My son made some really stupid decisions before he joined the Marines). At least with your son sitting in jail he is safe - you really just have to grasp at whatever positive you can find and go with that. Oh and as far as the commissary goes - he should be able to earn money for the things he wants, every thing he NEEDS is provided for him. So if you don't have the money to give him, he will be fine. Since you are his mom it is a good thing you have no control over the situation. Moms like us tend to enable our children to continue to make stupid mistakes and it is only after we can no longer rescue them that they seem to figure out that they need to straighten up their lives.
    I am praying for you and your son. Do what you can for him, but keep your focus on fighting the cancer.
    Felicia

    This comment has been removed by the Moderator
  • tootsie1
    tootsie1 Member Posts: 5,044 Member
    #4
    Rough
    I think if you can find a guardian ad litem for him, that would be good. He does need an advocate to give him good advice, but you obviously can't do this right now. You need to concentrate on getting better. I'll be praying for you and your family.

    *hugs*
    Gail
  • daydreamer110761
    daydreamer110761 Member Posts: 487 Member
    #5
    tootsie1 said:

    Rough
    I think if you can find a guardian ad litem for him, that would be good. He does need an advocate to give him good advice, but you obviously can't do this right now. You need to concentrate on getting better. I'll be praying for you and your family.

    *hugs*
    Gail

    thanx again
    Oh thank you people! I think that's exactly what I needed to hear/read. I have been getting Joe out of trouble for years, even when I should have let him. The hardest part right now is that I live 2000 miles away, so there isn't a lot I can do, but I feel horrible that a 16 year old is sitting in real jail, and I'm scared for him. I don't know a lot about jail itself, didn't know that he could earn things. he mentioned money for candy bars and deoderant, I just don't know. Then he told me the first bit of money I send they will take 20 out of that for processing him and his ID card, well, I can't spend 25 per phone call and send more. It just hurts me that I raised an idiot. I love the kid so much, but I guess that's the mommy in me.

    My daughter was off on a drug spree for awhile, but in the past year has gown up and realized that she needs to get up off her bootie and do something or she will be no where. she is also down there. Finally went back to school to earn her GED, not working - i think she realized that with so many qualified people unemployed, she can't get a job at McDonalds. She is living with a guy that is as useless as her father was - she's sick and he can't go buy her soup. I pay her phone bill so she can still call me, but I continue to get calls to order pizza or the "I need deoderant."

    I spent the past 3 days doing nothing but crying, and searching on line for some way to help Joe. Nick still wants to take my phone away. I don't know which would be more stressful - not knowing anything or getting these calls, but I know it's all exhausting. Nick has more access to various law programs and did some research for me, and no matter how you look at it, it doesn't look good for Joey.
  • daydreamer110761
    daydreamer110761 Member Posts: 487 Member
    #6
    unknown said:

    This comment has been removed by the Moderator

    11?
    Gosh Nana - 11 grandkids? you really don't look old enough to even have grown kids!
  • Unknown
    Unknown
    #7
    daydreamer110761 said:

    thanx again
    Oh thank you people! I think that's exactly what I needed to hear/read. I have been getting Joe out of trouble for years, even when I should have let him. The hardest part right now is that I live 2000 miles away, so there isn't a lot I can do, but I feel horrible that a 16 year old is sitting in real jail, and I'm scared for him. I don't know a lot about jail itself, didn't know that he could earn things. he mentioned money for candy bars and deoderant, I just don't know. Then he told me the first bit of money I send they will take 20 out of that for processing him and his ID card, well, I can't spend 25 per phone call and send more. It just hurts me that I raised an idiot. I love the kid so much, but I guess that's the mommy in me.

    My daughter was off on a drug spree for awhile, but in the past year has gown up and realized that she needs to get up off her bootie and do something or she will be no where. she is also down there. Finally went back to school to earn her GED, not working - i think she realized that with so many qualified people unemployed, she can't get a job at McDonalds. She is living with a guy that is as useless as her father was - she's sick and he can't go buy her soup. I pay her phone bill so she can still call me, but I continue to get calls to order pizza or the "I need deoderant."

    I spent the past 3 days doing nothing but crying, and searching on line for some way to help Joe. Nick still wants to take my phone away. I don't know which would be more stressful - not knowing anything or getting these calls, but I know it's all exhausting. Nick has more access to various law programs and did some research for me, and no matter how you look at it, it doesn't look good for Joey.

    This comment has been removed by the Moderator
  • KathiM
    KathiM Member Posts: 8,028 Member
    #8
    There comes a time....
    When you must say 'stop'.

    You need to care for YOU!!! I know it's hard to turn toward yourself, but you MUST!!!

    I always said that I was at the bottom of my list. I had 2 developmentally disabled kids, my younger was also emotionally disturbed. It was so hard to let go of her when I couldn't keep her safe anymore at home, but do it I did. And it worked out. She landed in a good group home, with loving staff, for more than 2 years.

    I contend that my cancer was there, and left unattended because I was on the bottom of my list. I now am at the top. Plain and simple...if you don't take care of you, you can't take care of anyone else.

    I'm putting my arms around you, dearheart...

    Hugs, kathi

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