Mental Issues

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  • dorookie
    dorookie Member Posts: 1,731 Member

    ATTN: BETH
    I have no idea why, but I was "drawn" to send you an email. You've been on my mind all day now, so what the heck is going on with you?

    Ya know, there have been so many people as of the past 3 days, telling us to expect a MIRACLE, so that's where we're geared right now. I'm wondering if you concentrated hard enough and prayed for a Miracle concerning your emotions right now, if you might not find one.

    Like I said, I don't know why, but for some reason I was supposed to talk to ya. Hope I haven't taken up unnecessary space.

    Thinking of you and wishing
    you many Blessings,

    Marygale

    Thank you
    Thank you so much, it means so much to me that you take the time to think of me, especially while you are going through so much right now with Hop. Love the pic by the way. I am very overwhelmed with all the support I have received here on this board. The people here are just so great.

    THANKS TO ALL THAT HAVE POSTED AND SHARED WITH ME, GOD BLESS YOU ALL! I JUST FEEL ALL YOUR POST ARE JUST LIKE A GREAT BIG HUG TO ME, AGAIN THANK YOU!

    God Bless
    Beth
  • dorookie
    dorookie Member Posts: 1,731 Member
    rrob said:

    Cancer's mind games
    Beth,

    I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. When I was diagnosed in Oct. 07, I was so scared, so desparate, so angry. I couldn't stand to be by myself, I couldn't sleep at night, and I felt like I was about to break into a million pieces. One night, it was late and I was awake and so alone and so, so scared. I prayed to God to please send my guardian angel to watch over me. Believe it or not, that night as I finally fell asleep, I felt as though I were cradled in someone's arms and I slept through the entire night peacefully. And no, I hadn't taken any meds! In my eyes, this was God's way of comforting me and letting me know that he would be with me every step and that I could lean on him when I needed. Lots of times I forget that and struggle with being in control and making things work out my way. Okay, enough said.

    Now, you and I have posted about Stage iv before, so here's the latest. On Dec. 8, I had a colonoscopy. In my original surgeries, we weren't able to remove the flat lesion that started the problem. So I had 6 mos of FOLFOX w/Avastin. After my scope, my gastro told me there was no sign of any lesion, that my colon looked absolutely normal, healthy, and he couldn't even tell where the lesion had been. That chemo is an awesome miracle!

    Then on Dec. 12, I went in for surgery to remove the original area in my sigmoid colon and part of my rectum where the cancer originated. My oncologist wanted the surgery; my surgeon was more inclined to wait and see. I decided if this gave me any chance to avoid a recurrance, go for it. So I had my surgery laprascopically and went home on the 16th. My surgeon had a pathologist in the OR who examined the area removed and said it looked absolutely normal. The path reports on the colon, the mesentary, and the 7 nodes they removed showed NED.

    On Dec. 30, I had my PET scan. I saw my oncologist Friday, Jan 9th, for results. Let me preface this by saying that all along I have been telling my onc that I was going to be his victory and that in 10 years, I would be cheering on his new patients and telling them they could be victories, too. I just could not get him on board; he was too grounded in the realities and I believe was afraid to give me false hope. So Friday morning, he came in and said my PET showed NED with the only areas of inflammation in the incision and resection sites. He then told me he has been reading the book "Anti-Cancer," which made him think of me. He actually told me that he believes that I am going to be one of his patients that beats this--now how awesome is that!

    Now here's the part I really want you to hear. The last week I have been very depressed because it is really hard to wrap my mind around the statistics sometimes. And how stupid is it to be depressed when I've had such good news lately?! So when I went to see my oncologist and he said those words to me, I swear it was like a message straight from God--get my chin up off the ground, count my blessings, and keep on fighting! So you go see a counselor, see your doctor, get your meds upped, cause we are in this for the long haul. I am going to beat this and so are you! We are not going to let statistics drag us down--we are not average and we are not going to be average. Email me if you want, post and I'll answer, but just remember, we are going to fight every step of the way. Now, here's one last little thing that has helped me. I see a counselor once a month. One day he told me it was okay to have a pity party, I deserved it. I told him if I walked out of his office and got hit by a car, I had sure wasted some good time feeling sorry for myself. So on the days that I am really down, I have a good cry and the get back up and thank God for the fact that I'm here right now with everything I love (and a lot of things I don't like at all-LOL).

    Sorry this is so long, but I believe!

    Rebecca

    Serious MInd Games
    Thank you Rebecca,

    Thank you for sharing your story, I need to find that peace as well. I am so gratefully for all that have posted here and have given me so much support. I read every post several times, and cry while I read. The anger I have feels like its turning into hurt, like I am wounded, not sure I am describing it right.

    I am currently out of town, visiting my daughter and son-in-law and its been great, I havent spent the last few days talking about cancer, or dieing, have been busy just living and spending some good time with my daughter. I really needed to get away, to relax and like Buzzard said to live, I havent done that in a long time. I think this trip will do wonders for me, to get away and to have a chance to clear my head.

    I am SO VERY HAPPY about your results! WAY TO GO GIRL! I have that book ANTI CANCER, half way through it. Its a very good book thus far. I am glad your ONC is now on board with you!

    I am trying not to feel sorry for myself, I am just trying to deal with all these crazy emotions I am having. C plays a big mind game on you and I just feel like I am trying to do all I can not to lose the game, does that make sense? I will WIN, I have no other choice!

    Thank you and God Bless
    Beth
  • msccolon
    msccolon Member Posts: 1,917 Member
    dorookie said:

    Serious MInd Games
    Thank you Rebecca,

    Thank you for sharing your story, I need to find that peace as well. I am so gratefully for all that have posted here and have given me so much support. I read every post several times, and cry while I read. The anger I have feels like its turning into hurt, like I am wounded, not sure I am describing it right.

    I am currently out of town, visiting my daughter and son-in-law and its been great, I havent spent the last few days talking about cancer, or dieing, have been busy just living and spending some good time with my daughter. I really needed to get away, to relax and like Buzzard said to live, I havent done that in a long time. I think this trip will do wonders for me, to get away and to have a chance to clear my head.

    I am SO VERY HAPPY about your results! WAY TO GO GIRL! I have that book ANTI CANCER, half way through it. Its a very good book thus far. I am glad your ONC is now on board with you!

    I am trying not to feel sorry for myself, I am just trying to deal with all these crazy emotions I am having. C plays a big mind game on you and I just feel like I am trying to do all I can not to lose the game, does that make sense? I will WIN, I have no other choice!

    Thank you and God Bless
    Beth

    Feeling normal
    I also love to travel to feel normal! When I was on chemo, if I got an extra week due to low white counts, or whatever, I would drive to my visit somebody, just to feel normal again! My youngest lives about an hour away, my oldest lives 4 hours away. I have always liked to drive, so being able to do it makes me feel like there is a part of me that cancer doesn't reach! The only problem was I would have to be sure I knew where all the restrooms were because I usually had issues with my bowels! BUT! I was always ready with an excuse if some hapless cop decided to pull me for a speeding ticket! The cap was coming off and I was going to desperately ask him to point me to a restroom so I didn't have to make a mess!
    mary
  • lisa42
    lisa42 Member Posts: 3,625 Member
    peace
    Hi again Beth,
    You asked how I got this peace. Honestly, all I did was ask and pray and then expected it. Our personalities are all different, part of that is probably a bit of my personality (I used to tend to be somewhat of a doormat at times, although I definitely had gotten over that, but accepting my lot in life was actually not always that hard for me, although of course nothing had ever been as bad for me as compared to getting this cancer). I prayed a lot for God to send his Holy Spirit to me for the "peace that surpasses all understanding". Keep claiming it, even when you don't feel it. I will keep praying for it for you. I know it doesn't come to everyone in the same way, but I do believe it WILL come to you.
    Keep in touch- take care!
    Lisa
  • lisa42
    lisa42 Member Posts: 3,625 Member
    rrob said:

    Cancer's mind games
    Beth,

    I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. When I was diagnosed in Oct. 07, I was so scared, so desparate, so angry. I couldn't stand to be by myself, I couldn't sleep at night, and I felt like I was about to break into a million pieces. One night, it was late and I was awake and so alone and so, so scared. I prayed to God to please send my guardian angel to watch over me. Believe it or not, that night as I finally fell asleep, I felt as though I were cradled in someone's arms and I slept through the entire night peacefully. And no, I hadn't taken any meds! In my eyes, this was God's way of comforting me and letting me know that he would be with me every step and that I could lean on him when I needed. Lots of times I forget that and struggle with being in control and making things work out my way. Okay, enough said.

    Now, you and I have posted about Stage iv before, so here's the latest. On Dec. 8, I had a colonoscopy. In my original surgeries, we weren't able to remove the flat lesion that started the problem. So I had 6 mos of FOLFOX w/Avastin. After my scope, my gastro told me there was no sign of any lesion, that my colon looked absolutely normal, healthy, and he couldn't even tell where the lesion had been. That chemo is an awesome miracle!

    Then on Dec. 12, I went in for surgery to remove the original area in my sigmoid colon and part of my rectum where the cancer originated. My oncologist wanted the surgery; my surgeon was more inclined to wait and see. I decided if this gave me any chance to avoid a recurrance, go for it. So I had my surgery laprascopically and went home on the 16th. My surgeon had a pathologist in the OR who examined the area removed and said it looked absolutely normal. The path reports on the colon, the mesentary, and the 7 nodes they removed showed NED.

    On Dec. 30, I had my PET scan. I saw my oncologist Friday, Jan 9th, for results. Let me preface this by saying that all along I have been telling my onc that I was going to be his victory and that in 10 years, I would be cheering on his new patients and telling them they could be victories, too. I just could not get him on board; he was too grounded in the realities and I believe was afraid to give me false hope. So Friday morning, he came in and said my PET showed NED with the only areas of inflammation in the incision and resection sites. He then told me he has been reading the book "Anti-Cancer," which made him think of me. He actually told me that he believes that I am going to be one of his patients that beats this--now how awesome is that!

    Now here's the part I really want you to hear. The last week I have been very depressed because it is really hard to wrap my mind around the statistics sometimes. And how stupid is it to be depressed when I've had such good news lately?! So when I went to see my oncologist and he said those words to me, I swear it was like a message straight from God--get my chin up off the ground, count my blessings, and keep on fighting! So you go see a counselor, see your doctor, get your meds upped, cause we are in this for the long haul. I am going to beat this and so are you! We are not going to let statistics drag us down--we are not average and we are not going to be average. Email me if you want, post and I'll answer, but just remember, we are going to fight every step of the way. Now, here's one last little thing that has helped me. I see a counselor once a month. One day he told me it was okay to have a pity party, I deserved it. I told him if I walked out of his office and got hit by a car, I had sure wasted some good time feeling sorry for myself. So on the days that I am really down, I have a good cry and the get back up and thank God for the fact that I'm here right now with everything I love (and a lot of things I don't like at all-LOL).

    Sorry this is so long, but I believe!

    Rebecca

    Hi Rebecca
    Hi Rebecca,
    Yesterday on the way to chemo, I had a mini pity party for myself. I thought, as everyone else is driving to work and school, I have to drive to chemo to go sit in a place that smells and is mighty depressing to be in, this sucks, and why do I have to do this???! Okay- I'm usually pretty upbeat and calm about it all, but it's definitely normal to have these feelings every now and then, isn't it?!
    Then I get over it and move on with my day. My youngest (8) asked me last night as I was reading to her "was this a chemo day for you Mommy, because you didn't even say anything about it". I told her yes it was, and that I'm okay (fortunately, I only had Avastin this time & it doesn't make me sick like the rest does). I think it's important to try to appear normal to my kids. Well, I'm rambling now, but just wanted to share my thoughts from early yesterday.
    Lisa
  • CherylHutch
    CherylHutch Member Posts: 1,375 Member
    lisa42 said:

    Hi Rebecca
    Hi Rebecca,
    Yesterday on the way to chemo, I had a mini pity party for myself. I thought, as everyone else is driving to work and school, I have to drive to chemo to go sit in a place that smells and is mighty depressing to be in, this sucks, and why do I have to do this???! Okay- I'm usually pretty upbeat and calm about it all, but it's definitely normal to have these feelings every now and then, isn't it?!
    Then I get over it and move on with my day. My youngest (8) asked me last night as I was reading to her "was this a chemo day for you Mommy, because you didn't even say anything about it". I told her yes it was, and that I'm okay (fortunately, I only had Avastin this time & it doesn't make me sick like the rest does). I think it's important to try to appear normal to my kids. Well, I'm rambling now, but just wanted to share my thoughts from early yesterday.
    Lisa

    Smell
    Hey Lisa,

    I've heard others mention the "smell" of chemo, or how even the "smell" of the chemo room can make them feel nauseated. I have never ever smelled a smell.. either of my own chemo or when I was sitting in the chemo chair in a room with 4 chemo chairs/4 chemo patients.

    So, now the question begs being answered... is it common that people can smell chemo or is it just some and that is sort of a side affect that affects some and not others?

    Hugggggs,

    Cheryl
  • msccolon
    msccolon Member Posts: 1,917 Member

    Smell
    Hey Lisa,

    I've heard others mention the "smell" of chemo, or how even the "smell" of the chemo room can make them feel nauseated. I have never ever smelled a smell.. either of my own chemo or when I was sitting in the chemo chair in a room with 4 chemo chairs/4 chemo patients.

    So, now the question begs being answered... is it common that people can smell chemo or is it just some and that is sort of a side affect that affects some and not others?

    Hugggggs,

    Cheryl

    It smelled AWFUL!
    I think it depends on the drugs. I asked my onc about it and he said the drugs make the nasal passages more sensitive, along with the chemicals coursing through the vein can actually be "smelled" as they move through the veins in the nasal passages. It didn't hit me as much my last rounds of chemo, but the first 2 around were awful! After my second round of chemo, when i finished, i left my blanket at the clinic... I couldn't even stand to have that smell around my house even if it WOULD have washed out eventually!
    mary
  • lisa42
    lisa42 Member Posts: 3,625 Member
    smells
    Even the smell of the alcohol prep will make me quite nauseated, so I think it's probably a mental thing, really. When I was on Folfox last year, my youngest daughter said she could smell the chemo on my skin. No one else, including me, could smell what she was talking about, but she could. She said I don't smell like that "this time".
    Another smell at the oncology office that makes me nauseated is the smell of the soap in their bathroom. Sometimes now my shampoo scent (which I always loved before) makes me feel like I'm going to puke. Very weird. I don't actually smell the chemo chemicals themselves, if that's what you thought I meant. But I guess some people do.
    Scent can be a very powerful thing. Interesting, huh?
  • msccolon
    msccolon Member Posts: 1,917 Member
    lisa42 said:

    smells
    Even the smell of the alcohol prep will make me quite nauseated, so I think it's probably a mental thing, really. When I was on Folfox last year, my youngest daughter said she could smell the chemo on my skin. No one else, including me, could smell what she was talking about, but she could. She said I don't smell like that "this time".
    Another smell at the oncology office that makes me nauseated is the smell of the soap in their bathroom. Sometimes now my shampoo scent (which I always loved before) makes me feel like I'm going to puke. Very weird. I don't actually smell the chemo chemicals themselves, if that's what you thought I meant. But I guess some people do.
    Scent can be a very powerful thing. Interesting, huh?

    smell and aversion
    I had the smell aversion so bad my daughter would give me some of her tangerine smelling lotion to put on my finger and put under my nose and it helped tremendously. Of course, once chemo was over, i couldn't stand the smell of tangerine for quite a while! I must be over it now, though cause I have some yummy tangerine scented hand soap in my kitchen right now!
    mary
  • Buzzard
    Buzzard Member Posts: 3,043 Member
    msccolon said:

    smell and aversion
    I had the smell aversion so bad my daughter would give me some of her tangerine smelling lotion to put on my finger and put under my nose and it helped tremendously. Of course, once chemo was over, i couldn't stand the smell of tangerine for quite a while! I must be over it now, though cause I have some yummy tangerine scented hand soap in my kitchen right now!
    mary

    The smell
    Thats whats making me so nauseous all the time..The smell...I thought it was just me...I sometimes lay in the bed and lay there gagging because of this putrid odor I keep smelling and it is chemo. If not for the smell I would feel a lot better. I have some of the adhesive remover towelettes that smell like oranges. Im going to start keeping them around for that smell I need to stay away from. The oranges are a lot better than the chemo....Good thinking ya'll thanks......
  • lisa42
    lisa42 Member Posts: 3,625 Member
    good idea
    Good idea- I think I'll take some of my mango lotion with me this week to chemo. Maybe if I am smelling it then I won't get so nauseated. Probably something orange or tangerine scented like Mary suggested would be good- citrus scents are so fresh smelling. It's definitely worth a try!
  • ron50
    ron50 Member Posts: 1,723 Member
    A matter of perspective
    G'day all,
    I have been doing a lot of thinking about my mental state of late. First I must state that I truly do believe in freedom of religion. Strenghth is where you find it. Having made that point I have to admit that I am not religious.
    Eleven years ago I was dx with an aggressive st3 tumour into 6 lymph nodes. None of my medicos gave me much chance of survival. They all thought I would die. They all wanted to give me anti -deppressants. I would not take them I was having enough trouble with chemo(every tuesday for a year,my song would have been called I don't like tuesdays).
    Not long after i finished chemo I went on a health kick I walked nearly fifty miles a week for a year and a half. I was always beat. I then developed acute pancreatitis. It was a bit iffy for a while as to whether I would survive. They traced it to a diseased gall bladder which was subsequently removed. I resumed walking but soon had to give it away because cholesterol meds were breaking down my muscles. I was in a lot of pain for some time and my doc prescribed zoloft for depression. I did not take them.
    I stopped taking cholesterol meds and after a while I started to feel better,,,until I started passing kidney stones....Made pancreatitis seem like pre-school. I paseed two of three lots of stones. They strike at inconvenient times and they made my life hell. I was not even game to go fishing as I did not want to have an attack whilst alone 25 miles out to sea.
    My wife decided that she'd had enough of sickness so she left me. Once again out came the docs script for Zoloft. I again refused. He asked me to see a phsyc. I did but I was unable to help her..
    I now live alone in a small flat. My health is even worse . I have peripheral neuropathy in my feet(not from chemo)and I was dx with a kidney condition called minimal change disease where the kidney filters thin out and leak protein. They made me take 75mg of prednisone daily for nearly six months. Prednisone for me was worse than chemo.

    It did not work so they have decided the dx was wrong and it is in fact fsgs which is scarring of the kidney filters,non reversible and will lead to dialysis. fsgs will come back in transplanted kidneys. The probable cause of the fsgs is the 9 lots of fleet preps I had for scopes. I am having trouble working ,so I applied for a disability pension. They told me I was not sick enough so I should keep on working.
    All of my docs now want me to take anti-depressants. Like I said I have had a good look at my life. To be depressed surely you need to have had some high spots,I sure don't remember too many. So I guess that means my life has been normal. I would really hate to get depressed. I really feel very unwell of late but I am still working,I still don't think that i am depressed. I am not worried about my future, everything has had a shot at me and I'm still here so why worry, lets face it ..death is inevitible and life is merely prolonging the inevitible....just enjoy it as long as you can. Cheers Ron