Depression and Holiday Season
(my puppy's, I don't know what I would do. I don't want to talk to anyone. I have friends who frequently e-mail me, and it's an effort for me to respond. When I don't, they think I'm ignoring them. One in particular, just won't give up. I have tried to explain my feelings, and that I'm not ignoring them, but to no avail. It doesn't work.
As I mentioned earlier, it's our 31st wedding anniversary, and I spent it alone, in my room.
I do hide my feelings, and know I shouldn't. When the feelings come to surface, everyone thinks I've lost it.
I'm really sad....I don't think 'sad' is the right word. I just know I am miserable, and I'm supposed to be cheerful and happy at this time of year.
Thank you all for letting me let it all out.
Gale
PS Happy Holidays!
Comments
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I believe cancer tx can
I believe cancer tx can cause depression esp if you're susceptible to it. The last chemo I had really put me in a dark mood that lasted for quite a while and then periodically returned. So did the Tamox when I took it full strength all at once. I've heard others talk about the AI's causing depression as well. On top of that there is the worry and stress of your diagnosis and trying to deal with it all. On top of that as well is the expectation from others that now your finished tx everything should be back to normal.
Gale, you didn't mention any anti-depressants that you were on. It probably would be a good idea to see your doc about going on something for a little while just to see if it would make a difference. Even to get a tad bit brighter you might find yourself responding to the world around you a little different. And Gale, there is no "suppose" to feel. Lots of people aren't cheerful or happy this time of year and I think you are being too hard on yourself . Give yourself permission to feel what you feel and not feel bad about it. Tell your grandchildren you aren't feeling well this Christmas and you need to rest. Let your family know that the cancer exp and tx often make one depressed and to cut you some slack. And please return to your therapist even to just vent.
I wish I had more to say to help you through this. I am sending you lots of love and hugs.
jan0 -
I agree with Jan....phoenixrising said:I believe cancer tx can
I believe cancer tx can cause depression esp if you're susceptible to it. The last chemo I had really put me in a dark mood that lasted for quite a while and then periodically returned. So did the Tamox when I took it full strength all at once. I've heard others talk about the AI's causing depression as well. On top of that there is the worry and stress of your diagnosis and trying to deal with it all. On top of that as well is the expectation from others that now your finished tx everything should be back to normal.
Gale, you didn't mention any anti-depressants that you were on. It probably would be a good idea to see your doc about going on something for a little while just to see if it would make a difference. Even to get a tad bit brighter you might find yourself responding to the world around you a little different. And Gale, there is no "suppose" to feel. Lots of people aren't cheerful or happy this time of year and I think you are being too hard on yourself . Give yourself permission to feel what you feel and not feel bad about it. Tell your grandchildren you aren't feeling well this Christmas and you need to rest. Let your family know that the cancer exp and tx often make one depressed and to cut you some slack. And please return to your therapist even to just vent.
I wish I had more to say to help you through this. I am sending you lots of love and hugs.
jan
The cancer journey is not an easy one. And we don't just magically 'get better' after treatment stops. I think the only thing that happens after treatment is that people don't want to talk about it, or hear bad things...they want everything back to normal. But, you see, OUR normal has changed. Forever. We cannot take it lightly anymore when we have a pain somewhere. It's just who we now are. My beau and I had some VERY strong 'discussions', usually I ended up in tears, at about the time that you are at. I'm putting my arms around you.
I agree with Jan...check with your doctor about anti-depressants. After what you have gone thru, well, of COURSE your feelings are out of wack!!!! This is not a 'rest-of-your-life thing, it's just to give you some peace.
I am one of those people that are rather reserve (!) around Christmas. December is a tough month for me, filled with birthdays of people who are gone, and even the start of my treatment on the 20 (today!), 4 years ago...
I guess it's a matter of using the lesson you learned during treatment. Take things a little at a time. Try to explain what you feel to your hubby, in calm, soothing voice tones. He obviously cares about you and wants you happy....he gave you a puppy!!!
I hope things straighten out a bit for you...but, yeah, we all have feelings of sadness, partly of the life 'before' cancer that cannot be completely restarted.
HUgs, Kathi0 -
After teatmentphoenixrising said:I believe cancer tx can
I believe cancer tx can cause depression esp if you're susceptible to it. The last chemo I had really put me in a dark mood that lasted for quite a while and then periodically returned. So did the Tamox when I took it full strength all at once. I've heard others talk about the AI's causing depression as well. On top of that there is the worry and stress of your diagnosis and trying to deal with it all. On top of that as well is the expectation from others that now your finished tx everything should be back to normal.
Gale, you didn't mention any anti-depressants that you were on. It probably would be a good idea to see your doc about going on something for a little while just to see if it would make a difference. Even to get a tad bit brighter you might find yourself responding to the world around you a little different. And Gale, there is no "suppose" to feel. Lots of people aren't cheerful or happy this time of year and I think you are being too hard on yourself . Give yourself permission to feel what you feel and not feel bad about it. Tell your grandchildren you aren't feeling well this Christmas and you need to rest. Let your family know that the cancer exp and tx often make one depressed and to cut you some slack. And please return to your therapist even to just vent.
I wish I had more to say to help you through this. I am sending you lots of love and hugs.
jan
Hi!
Since I don't really believe in coincidences, I have to tell you that I was going to write a post about a great book I happened to find at the library.
It's called "After Breat Cancer" by Hester Hill Schnipper.
She is a BC survivor and social worker who dealt with cancer survivors before and after she was diagnosed.
The most amazing thing about it is that I feel, sometimes, like it was written just for me. She mentions that there's a lot of info and stuff written about the BC itself and treatment, but once that's done, there's a vacuum. Up til now, no one has addressed it, and certainly not from a survivors stand point.
I just finished radiation which followed a mast. and chemo. I felt like I hit a wall---no more Dr. appt's,no nothing except for the Arimidex (and no one's told me for how long).
I'm only about a third of the way thru the book, but parts of it make me nod my head, parts make me cry hard, and other parts just reafirm my feelings---all the millions of mixed up ones. She has managed to put into words all the things I'm feeling about finishing, but really not being finished with the beast, and no one understanding.
I agree with Phoenix that maybe you should consider an antidepressant for awhile (part of your depression HAS to be connected to all the chemicals you've had, so why shouldn't other chemicals help?). Maybe the therapist you were seeing wasn't the right one for you. Not every personality meshes with every other personality. But usually, the 2 combined can help.
Sounds like your husband wants to help, but just doesn't know how. It's o.k. to tell him, graphically how you feel. After 31 years, he'll probably be glad to listen, even if he can't solve the problem---which is the typical male response to a loved one having a problem.
Are you able to visit your grandchildren, but stay in a motel? If you have the energy, maybe you could spend time with them, and give your daughter some time off?
Well, I've done my usual running off at the mouth---I hope it can help, even a little.
I'm really glad you've taken the time to write us, we really care, and are here for you.
Let us know how it goes.0 -
Hello Gale
I can relate, I really can.
You see, today (the 21st) is my wedding anniversary, but I too am spending it all alone because last Thursday (the 18th) was the 11th anniversary of my divorce after 28 years of marriage. It all just piles up doesn't it?
I have been a survivor for twice as long as I have been divorced, so I try to keep reminding myself that life goes on and it is never going to be what I had hoped it would be, so 'take lemons and make lemonade'.
I am not making light of your depression. I have been there too, but I am trying to suggest that with time and finding the right medications and professional help, there IS IS IS hope for you. And I wish you much, much, much brighter days ahead. God bless.0 -
The cycle of depressionzahalene said:Hello Gale
I can relate, I really can.
You see, today (the 21st) is my wedding anniversary, but I too am spending it all alone because last Thursday (the 18th) was the 11th anniversary of my divorce after 28 years of marriage. It all just piles up doesn't it?
I have been a survivor for twice as long as I have been divorced, so I try to keep reminding myself that life goes on and it is never going to be what I had hoped it would be, so 'take lemons and make lemonade'.
I am not making light of your depression. I have been there too, but I am trying to suggest that with time and finding the right medications and professional help, there IS IS IS hope for you. And I wish you much, much, much brighter days ahead. God bless.
Stormy,
I can relate as well, although everyone's particular depression and circumstances are different, so I won't say I know what you are going through. But I've found that depression is a vicious cycle that you can definitely break. When you're miserable, you feel overwhelmed and you don't have the energy to make your situation better. This leads to more depression, more immobility and so on. I know we're at completely different stages of this disease and our lives, but I can tell you that there were weeks after I was diagnosed that all I did was sit on the couch. I felt perfectly healthy, it was just the overwhelming sadness. But then, I did one thing to make myself feel better. Just one. And it led to others and now, although I am not running around jumping for joy that I have BC, I am much, much more stable and able to handle the everyday. I think, Stormy, that you have to give yourself a break and forgive yourself for feeling the way you do. Accept that it is natural and normal, but that it is also natural and inevitable that you WILL feel better. I would suggest doing just one thing a day that would make you happy. Forget about solving all your problems at once, or even thinking about all of them. That can be too overwhelming. You dig yourself out of a hole a little at a time everyday. Just a tiny bit. You can do it.
Also, if you are not being treated for depression, absolutely think about doing that. It helps so, so much. Really. I stopped taking my anti-anxiety drugs for a while because I felt like, "what's the point, nothing will help." But you know what? They do help. A lot. It won't solve all your problems, but it might give you the energy to start digging yourself out of the hole. And come here and talk to us in the meantime. Also, if you can manage it I think you should find another therapist and explain your situation and how you sometimes can't muster the energy to come in regularly. They are there to help YOU. Don't worry about inconveniencing them. They understand and have seen this a lot.
Anyway, I know you will feel better. Please keep writing.0 -
Stormy, I would love to
Stormy, I would love to write a long understanding email to you. But I am battling a blue streak myself today and just don't feel hardy enough to put feelings into words. And Mimi did an excellent job of writing.
But I still do want to tell you that I thoroughly understand. You are not alone. I think that book recommended by Norcal might be a good idea, I have heard it praised by others too. See, so many people go through a hard time afterwards. Love yourself, feel the love of others, feel the love of the universe, whatever that means to you, and you, me, the author of that book, and everyone out there will get through this.
smiles and hugs, Joyce0 -
I can relate
Stormy8281, I can definitely relate to your depression. Allow me to indulge myself and have a pity party: this was the worst year of my life. In one year, I was diagnosed with breast cancer (stage I, but then later I found out I had the BRCA 1 gene), had two mastectomies at two different times (one for the cancer, and another preventive one because having the BRCA gene makes you more susceptible to getting a new cancer in the other breast), my mother became ill with lung cancer out of the blue and died within three months, my sister (who apparently had years of jealousy and pent-up resentment toward me) basically cut me off after my mother's death and told me I didn't do enough to help my mother when she was sick (this despite the fact that I visited my mother every day in the hospital while I was going through chemo myself), my 17 year old daughter ran away from home and had a miscarriage while I was in the hospital having a mastectomy, and (worst of all) I discovered my husband had been cheating online while I was sick. I know life is hard and that others have it worse, but it was just a lot to happen in one year. As I read this, I wonder that I'm still standing. I guess we are more resilient than we think we are. Personally, I will be very happy when the holidays are over because I always used to spend them with my mother and the sister who hates me now. My husband and I (we are going to therapy and are getting along better now) joke that on New Year's Eve we will drink a toast to the end of the bad, horrible year.
Excuse me for indulging my self-pity. I just wanted to let you know you are not alone in your depression. With a little luck, we will both survive this and come out on the other side.
Best wishes,
Ohilly0 -
my thoughts are with youzahalene said:Hello Gale
I can relate, I really can.
You see, today (the 21st) is my wedding anniversary, but I too am spending it all alone because last Thursday (the 18th) was the 11th anniversary of my divorce after 28 years of marriage. It all just piles up doesn't it?
I have been a survivor for twice as long as I have been divorced, so I try to keep reminding myself that life goes on and it is never going to be what I had hoped it would be, so 'take lemons and make lemonade'.
I am not making light of your depression. I have been there too, but I am trying to suggest that with time and finding the right medications and professional help, there IS IS IS hope for you. And I wish you much, much, much brighter days ahead. God bless.
Zahalene, just wanted to let you know my thoughts are with you concerning the anniversary of your divorce after 28 years of marriage. As you know, I've been married twenty seven years with two children, and recently discovered my husband was cheating online. We are going to counseling and my husband seems to have a desire to work things out, but I hope I'm not sitting in your shoes in the future. If I catch him cheating again, I have vowed I will throw him out of the house (not necessarily making a decision to get divorced right away).
Since I discovered the cheating and also since I was diagnosed with breast cancer, I feel very insecure: the truth is that anything can happen to anyone at anytime in life, but most of the time we don't think of this in such a conscious way.
So for the meantime, I'll pray for myself and you. You seem like a strong person, and it gives me hope and encouragement that there is life after breast cancer, and especially after a long-term marriage ending in divorce.
Best wishes,
Ohilly0 -
Thank you, Ohillyohilly said:my thoughts are with you
Zahalene, just wanted to let you know my thoughts are with you concerning the anniversary of your divorce after 28 years of marriage. As you know, I've been married twenty seven years with two children, and recently discovered my husband was cheating online. We are going to counseling and my husband seems to have a desire to work things out, but I hope I'm not sitting in your shoes in the future. If I catch him cheating again, I have vowed I will throw him out of the house (not necessarily making a decision to get divorced right away).
Since I discovered the cheating and also since I was diagnosed with breast cancer, I feel very insecure: the truth is that anything can happen to anyone at anytime in life, but most of the time we don't think of this in such a conscious way.
So for the meantime, I'll pray for myself and you. You seem like a strong person, and it gives me hope and encouragement that there is life after breast cancer, and especially after a long-term marriage ending in divorce.
Best wishes,
Ohilly
For your kind thoughts. Please know that all this happened many years ago and although I am not 'over it' (today would have been my 39th anniversary...sob), I know in my more lucid moments that this had to happen or somebody wudda got HURT. So it's all good now and I am in a good place.
I have been reading your posts and holding my breath. Soooooo glad you and hubby are working on the situation. It CAN be fixed if you both want it to be. And I totally support your assertion that this is the LAST TIME. We have to draw the line somewhere or become doormats, which is NOT what marriage is about.
Hugs and I hope you have a lovely Christmas.0 -
Thank you is Just Not Enough
Thank you all for responding. I feel all of your thoughts and feelings and wish I could hug each and every one of you for your kind words. I am and have been taking Lexapro and Welbutrin for several years, with Xanax (at times). I will call my dr. to see if something can be changed or increased. But the support you all gave me did a whole lot of cheering me up.
Each of you are in my thoughts and prayers.
God Bless.
Gale
PS Norcelj, I will be purchasing the book you recommended. Thanks.0 -
I am glad you are calling your doctor!Stormy8281 said:Thank you is Just Not Enough
Thank you all for responding. I feel all of your thoughts and feelings and wish I could hug each and every one of you for your kind words. I am and have been taking Lexapro and Welbutrin for several years, with Xanax (at times). I will call my dr. to see if something can be changed or increased. But the support you all gave me did a whole lot of cheering me up.
Each of you are in my thoughts and prayers.
God Bless.
Gale
PS Norcelj, I will be purchasing the book you recommended. Thanks.
That's a great and positive thing to do and I am proud of you. Just making that phone call to help yourself is a huge step. Help is on the way, I just know it. I take Lexapro and Xanax as well and they definitely help during the dark times. You need to do everything to take care of yourself during this difficult time. A time that will PASS and lead to much better days, don't ever doubt it.
Mimi0
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