How to deal with wife's recently diagnosed breast cancer

sharkiejim
sharkiejim Member Posts: 16
edited March 2014 in Breast Cancer #1
My wife was diagnosed with breast cancer two days ago and she seems to be dealing with it better than me. I want to cry all the time but I don't want to upset her. I don't know if I should try to be upbeat or tell her how I feel. Can anyone tell me what I should do to help her?

Comments

  • dbs1673
    dbs1673 Member Posts: 203
    #2
    support
    How sorry I am to hear that yet another couple has to deal with this. You are probably doing so much more than you will ever know for your wife. I doubt there is anything that will stop you from feeling helpless but remind yourselves that is far different from being hopeless. My husband was amazing with his support. It wasn't just going to appointments with me, though that was a huge commitment of his time away from work as well, but more so I knew and still know we can just silently hold each other and let the tears fall as we need. My absolute best medicine in the hospital was waking up from the surgery to have him at my side with his hand gently on my face. He held me there as he was afraid any other touch may be painful. After 23 years of marriage those vows still get tested. We laugh as we say we have endured the good times/bad times, in sickness and in health, we've had the poorer and we're just waiting for the richer. Funny thing is as each step of this journey continues I think we have found the "for richer" part in a whole new way. So too will you and your bride! prayers of comfort to both of you.
  • KathiM
    KathiM Member Posts: 8,028 Member
    #3
    Give her 'normal'
    So much will be NOT normal for her, give her pieces of normal. Take her out to dinner. Give her a backrub. Tell her she can share things with you, and you will her, but only if and when she wants to...cancer will be taking enough of both of your lives as it is.

    Take heart in knowing that there have been so many pilgrims before her that have made fighting this cancer easier. The recovery rates are almost 100%. Think about joining a caregiver's group...my treatment center had one...where you can REALLY vent!!! Be easy on yourself, this is affecting your life just like hers...

    My beau felt so helpless. He's a doctor, and so is used to making people better. He had to comfort me during my responses to chemo (I had EVERY side effect in the book), and hold back him own feelings and tears.

    But he gave me normal. Between treatments, we went places. He went shopping with me for hats and scarves. That I hold so dear to me.

    Hugs, Kathi
  • sharkiejim
    sharkiejim Member Posts: 16
    #4
    KathiM said:

    Give her 'normal'
    So much will be NOT normal for her, give her pieces of normal. Take her out to dinner. Give her a backrub. Tell her she can share things with you, and you will her, but only if and when she wants to...cancer will be taking enough of both of your lives as it is.

    Take heart in knowing that there have been so many pilgrims before her that have made fighting this cancer easier. The recovery rates are almost 100%. Think about joining a caregiver's group...my treatment center had one...where you can REALLY vent!!! Be easy on yourself, this is affecting your life just like hers...

    My beau felt so helpless. He's a doctor, and so is used to making people better. He had to comfort me during my responses to chemo (I had EVERY side effect in the book), and hold back him own feelings and tears.

    But he gave me normal. Between treatments, we went places. He went shopping with me for hats and scarves. That I hold so dear to me.

    Hugs, Kathi

    Thank you
    Thank you so much for your kind thoughts and good advice--I will do my best to follow it. One other question--I joined the CSN this morning but I haven't told my wife yet. I don't want her to think I'm making decisions for her and I don't know if she would want to jump into it yet. Should I tell her about CSN? Should I show her my post? I would appreciate any input. Rgds, Jim
  • zahalene
    zahalene Member Posts: 670
    #5
    sharkiejim said:

    Thank you
    Thank you so much for your kind thoughts and good advice--I will do my best to follow it. One other question--I joined the CSN this morning but I haven't told my wife yet. I don't want her to think I'm making decisions for her and I don't know if she would want to jump into it yet. Should I tell her about CSN? Should I show her my post? I would appreciate any input. Rgds, Jim

    definite yes
    I would certainly tell her that you had found this great place online where people 'hang out' and share their cancer experiences as well as their 'normal' lives. But she may not be ready to join in just yet. Just don't hide from her when you are online with us and sooner or later she will see the benefit it is to you to come here and she may decide to join us. And don't forget, we have a great chat program here too. Guaranteed to uphold you and give you some good belly laughs too.
  • ohilly
    ohilly Member Posts: 441
    #6
    my advice
    I am a social worker and breast cancer survivor as well. I was diagnosed with stage I in January. I think each couple is different, but for what it's worth, here is my advice: I would seek out OTHER people you can cry with (your contacting this board is a good first step), but in front of your wife I would always try to be positive. I know it helped me a lot that my husband kept on telling me I would be okay. I also think that the more you know about breast cancer (and that most women do survive) the less afraid you will be. There is a 24 hour hotline for breast cancer survivors, and I'm sure they would be open to the spouse calling as well. Their phone number is 1-800-221-2141 and you can call anytime of the day or night. I must have called them a million times, and each time I felt better after talking to them. They provide emotional support and also, if you find out the specifics of your wife's cases, they give a lot of medical information and practical advice.

    Good luck, and feel free to email me anytime.

    Ohilly
  • NorcalJ
    NorcalJ Member Posts: 187
    #7
    sharkiejim said:

    Thank you
    Thank you so much for your kind thoughts and good advice--I will do my best to follow it. One other question--I joined the CSN this morning but I haven't told my wife yet. I don't want her to think I'm making decisions for her and I don't know if she would want to jump into it yet. Should I tell her about CSN? Should I show her my post? I would appreciate any input. Rgds, Jim

    Support
    Jim,

    Just like we tell the survivors who come here, glad you found us, sorry you needed to.

    After 40 years of marriage, my husband and I are even closer than ever since our adventure began last January. He's been my rock.

    That doesn't mean you have to be the strong silent type. I love the fact that we've shed tears together. Of course I was a sobbing Niagra Falls and he just sniffed a lot, but it's been a real lesson in not taking anything, or each other for granted.

    I would definitely tell your wife about this site because we all have learned a lot here, and have gained knowledge and new friends. It's really important to feel like you're not the only one facing this, and to learn how many people out there are survivors of MANY years. I talked to a few people I knew who'd gone thru this, but one of the most helpful things I'd heard was from someone who'd had stage 4 colon cancer with many nodes involved----22 years ago!

    I think the best thing you can do for her is what you're already doing---being there for her---to listen, to hug, to rub her back, cook her favorite things, or take her out to dinner---o.k., I admit, sometimes I milk this a bit, LOL

    Good luck to you both, and come back and tell us how it's going.

    Jan
  • fauxma
    fauxma Member Posts: 3,577 Member
    #8
    ohilly said:

    my advice
    I am a social worker and breast cancer survivor as well. I was diagnosed with stage I in January. I think each couple is different, but for what it's worth, here is my advice: I would seek out OTHER people you can cry with (your contacting this board is a good first step), but in front of your wife I would always try to be positive. I know it helped me a lot that my husband kept on telling me I would be okay. I also think that the more you know about breast cancer (and that most women do survive) the less afraid you will be. There is a 24 hour hotline for breast cancer survivors, and I'm sure they would be open to the spouse calling as well. Their phone number is 1-800-221-2141 and you can call anytime of the day or night. I must have called them a million times, and each time I felt better after talking to them. They provide emotional support and also, if you find out the specifics of your wife's cases, they give a lot of medical information and practical advice.

    Good luck, and feel free to email me anytime.

    Ohilly

    new but here's my two cents
    I have been through multiple cancers but I am new to breast cancer. I just discovered this network and have read all the posts on all the subjects and I am so impressed with this group of women. You are supportive, knowledgeable, and are just well, awesomely impressive.
    Having had several different cancers over the past 8 years I found my husband to be my rock but one of the things that drew us closer together was that we could cry together and that he could express his fears to me as well as mine to him. Then we were able to research together and fight this together. Through all my cancers on many different boards we, as survivors, have all told one another to let our feelings out, its okay to cry and be angry, and then gather strength to deal with all that this diagnosis involves. And we are told to talk with our families honestly and not try to always put up the brave front. Crying or expressing fear about the future doesn't always mean not being positive. I would personally be devastated if my husband showed only a positive, brave front and had to go to others to express his fear, to cry etc. I have always felt that these cancers were our disease. While he doesn't have the pain, surgery, treatments in the flesh, his soul is hurt when I am hurt and he needs to know that I am there for him as much as he is here for me. Having said this, I can see your perspective on this ohilly. When your husband told you that you would be okay not only did it reassure you but he probably sincerely felt this in his heart. My husband grew to believe this but at first he wasn't so sure. If he had put on a brave front for my benefit I would have known. But as time went on, I knew that he really felt that I would be okay. For me that meant the world. We each react differently to diagnosis and we each want different things from our family and friends. I guess my advice would be for him to listen to all the advice, take what he thinks will work, and to definitely share this site with his wife. This is a journey no ones wants to take but its better in the company of those who love us and those who understand what we are going through.
    I feel blessed to have found this board and to have others who have been on the journey to help guide me.
  • RE
    RE Member Posts: 4,591 Member
    #9
    HERE ARE MY THOUGHTS
    Hi Sharkie,

    So sorry you had to find us but glad that you did. I am a three time breast cancer survivor and my husband is my rock. He has attended my appointments with me, held when I cried (which i did a lot sometimes) and he has laughed with me and helped me to see that my glass is truly half full not half empty.

    For me it was important to know that he still wanted me even though physically I was not the same. When my hair fell out, he still loved me, when I was pale and lacked energy he still loved me. And now that I have lost half of one breast and all of the other he resoundingly still loves me. This illness takes a toll on both the physical and the mental. This goes for you as well, you need to take good care of yourself too. I see no shame in tearing up with your wife when she becomes emotional, my husband did and it just showed me how much he cares. If you do not express yourself you may find yourself becoming frustrated for the lack of a way to vent. That said we are always here to support both you and your wife.

    He also did little things like plan a drive somewhere just to get me out and about when I was becoming buried in doctor appointments and such. He would suggest a movie to see if I was up to it. Sometimes it was as simple and a trip to the Dairy Queen for a milk shake and then off to the park to sit and watch the ducks while we had our shake. It seems like little things, but to someone who is ill these things can be huge.

    This all started after we were married for 19 years, this year we celebrated our 30th anniversary and we have never been happier.

    I wish you both all the best as you work to restore your wife's health.

    RE
  • gemsa
    gemsa Member Posts: 22
    #10
    Book recommendation
    My husband read the book, "Breast Cancer Husband" when I was diagnosed, and he said it helped a lot.

    Wishing your family all the best as you manage through this tough time.
  • Joycelouise
    Joycelouise Member Posts: 482
    #11
    In the wee hours of this
    In the wee hours of this morning I lay awake in bed. I have just had a painful reconstruction surgery (One year after my cancer diagnosis). As I lay there, unable to sleep, a little scared and ouchy, I became aware that my husband was also awake. I lay quietly, then spoke after a few minutes. I asked him what he had been thinking while he was awake. He said, I have been thinking that I want you not to hurt anymore.
    Those are not particularly profound words, but when I heard them, and now as I write them, they touch me very deeply.
    However you do it, whether you find profound words or even the right words, BEING THERE for your wife is going to comfort her more than you can know, more even than she will know for a while. You make a huge difference. Keep believing that, stay patient, and you will be both blessed and a blessing.
    And please extend your wife a warm invitation to come in (both of you) and chat! love, Joyce
  • KathiM
    KathiM Member Posts: 8,028 Member
    #12
    Joycelouise said:

    In the wee hours of this
    In the wee hours of this morning I lay awake in bed. I have just had a painful reconstruction surgery (One year after my cancer diagnosis). As I lay there, unable to sleep, a little scared and ouchy, I became aware that my husband was also awake. I lay quietly, then spoke after a few minutes. I asked him what he had been thinking while he was awake. He said, I have been thinking that I want you not to hurt anymore.
    Those are not particularly profound words, but when I heard them, and now as I write them, they touch me very deeply.
    However you do it, whether you find profound words or even the right words, BEING THERE for your wife is going to comfort her more than you can know, more even than she will know for a while. You make a huge difference. Keep believing that, stay patient, and you will be both blessed and a blessing.
    And please extend your wife a warm invitation to come in (both of you) and chat! love, Joyce

    Aw, Joyce...
    What a GRAND hubby you have! Thanks for sharing!

    Hugs, Kathi

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