what to say to my mom

Gizzy
Gizzy Member Posts: 12
edited March 2014 in Breast Cancer #1
hello everyone.

My mother was diagnosed with breast cancer on Nov 7. She had a lumpectomy on Nov 24, 2008. The Dr. took out the tumor and 2 lymph nodes. She was released and sent home the same day. We live about 135 miles away from the hospital and surgeon so when the dr's office called us the next day and wanted to see my mother, I knew it couldn't be good considering we live so far away. When we saw the Dr, she said that the fingers that were attached to the tumor were longer than they had seen on the x-ray and judging from the lab results after the surgery some (fingers were still there) She has stage II cancer and the Dr.'s option was to remove the breast, or she, the dr could go back into the same site and remove more tissue and extra tissue to get the rest. My mother was so relieved after the surgery thinking she was cancer free. She was like a different woman, happy and had an appetite and a picture of bliss. Now that she knows the cancer isn't all gone, she is more depressed and hardly eats. She doesn't know what decision to make yet she doesn't want her breast removed. I don't know what to say to her, or how to help her, and even other people who have tried to talk to her can't get through to her. I've explained the procedure that she had done, and will have done again, but she just doesn't seem to understand. I wish I could help her more, I just don't know what else to say. What can you suggest? I can't imagine what she is going through and also, my dad passed away almost 2 years ago and she's thinking that it's her time now. She has had a slow progressing cancer that has been with her for 10 years according to the Dr. until my mom noticed the lump one day. I am scared as well.

Thank you

Cindy

Comments

  • KathiM
    KathiM Member Posts: 8,028 Member
    #2
    Aw, Cindy...I'm sending my hugs...
    My breast cancer was in an 11 year old lump. It had been mammo'ed every year, never changed, but it took stage III rectal cancer and a PET scan to find it.

    My first thought is to say to your mom that "Mom, they want to be very sure they get it all. This happens more often than you might think, where 'margins' need to be clear, and the first go-round, until after the pathology reports, doesn't necessarily get it all".

    My second thought is something my 5th (yes, five!!) second opinion said "You have fought so hard already, why would you throw that away by not seeing this one through?" Maybe change it up with "You have been so brave so far, accepting and fighting so hard, why would you throw that away by not seeing this through all the way?"

    That all said, being sad/reacting badly to this kind of news is pretty normal. I, myself, threw pillows...after screaming into them! It's actually pretty healthy, as long as it doesn't go on for days and days.

    The reality, sadly, is that if she doesn't do more, she will be no better than when she started. You know that, she does, too. And this isn't a situation where doing nothing does no harm...

    I'm fairly sure that mom will realize this, and pick up again, and accept reality...but you could also say that you are bugging her so much because you love her, and can't imagine life without her...my daughter said that to me, when I got down....worked, too (lol)!

    Hugs to you both,

    Kathi
  • zahalene
    zahalene Member Posts: 670
    #3
    KathiM said:

    Aw, Cindy...I'm sending my hugs...
    My breast cancer was in an 11 year old lump. It had been mammo'ed every year, never changed, but it took stage III rectal cancer and a PET scan to find it.

    My first thought is to say to your mom that "Mom, they want to be very sure they get it all. This happens more often than you might think, where 'margins' need to be clear, and the first go-round, until after the pathology reports, doesn't necessarily get it all".

    My second thought is something my 5th (yes, five!!) second opinion said "You have fought so hard already, why would you throw that away by not seeing this one through?" Maybe change it up with "You have been so brave so far, accepting and fighting so hard, why would you throw that away by not seeing this through all the way?"

    That all said, being sad/reacting badly to this kind of news is pretty normal. I, myself, threw pillows...after screaming into them! It's actually pretty healthy, as long as it doesn't go on for days and days.

    The reality, sadly, is that if she doesn't do more, she will be no better than when she started. You know that, she does, too. And this isn't a situation where doing nothing does no harm...

    I'm fairly sure that mom will realize this, and pick up again, and accept reality...but you could also say that you are bugging her so much because you love her, and can't imagine life without her...my daughter said that to me, when I got down....worked, too (lol)!

    Hugs to you both,

    Kathi

    All good suggestions
    Kathi's suggestions are all good ones, and I hope you can reach your mother and help her to gather her resources and do everything possible to reach a positive outcome. However, in the final analysis, you will not be able to force her to do anything.
    I would also suggest that you tell her just that. "Mom, nobody can force you to do anything, but we love you too much to stop trying to convince you to fight with every weapon we can muster." If she knows you are not going to give up it might help her find the extra ounce of strength and courage she needs as well.
  • chenheart
    chenheart Member Posts: 5,159
    #4
    I agree with the responses
    I agree with the responses you have already gotten. I can also see why your mom is reacting the way she is, bless her heart, For one thing, she is most likely still in quite a bit of pain from the surgery~ it is sooo recent! Add to that the fear of cancer still being there, it's truly no wonder at all that she didn't hail the closest cab for a return trip to the hospital! And with the recent loss of your father as well, she could "simply" be in shut-down mode right now, Understandable! I call it Ostrich Therapy, you know, head in the sand so we don't see the probem. Only the problem is still there...

    Lead with your heart,Cindy. Let her know just how frightened you are as well, but that you are in this fight TOGETHER! Sometimes it helps to mentally reverse the situation~ what would she want YOU to do if you had received this diagnosis? I dare say she would be with you every step of your recovery process. Let her know you will be there for hers as well.

    It is all so overwhelming at this pont; calmer heads and hearts will hopefully prevail when the initial shock wears off. Thank you for being the concerned and loving daughter you appear to be.

    Keep us posted, won't you? We are here not only for you, but of course for your mom as well, should she decide to come in. We are a LARGE, strong army of survivors; she will find herself in good company.

    Hugs,
    Claudia
  • Jadie
    Jadie Member Posts: 723
    #5
    Hi Cindy
    Of course you are
    Hi Cindy

    Of course you are scared as well as your mother. If your mothers cancer is a stage 2 it has been caught early. I hope you can convince her to follow up with another surgery. I had to have a second surgery too. Very soon after the first surgery. They also took more lymph nodes. The second surgery was a bit worse and recovery time was longer. But I am glad that I did it because I would always be wondering if there was more that I could have done. That was five years ago.

    My appetite has certainally returned and I feel like a picture of bliss.lol She will again too.

    Huggs to you both
    Jadie
  • Gizzy
    Gizzy Member Posts: 12
    #6
    KathiM said:

    Aw, Cindy...I'm sending my hugs...
    My breast cancer was in an 11 year old lump. It had been mammo'ed every year, never changed, but it took stage III rectal cancer and a PET scan to find it.

    My first thought is to say to your mom that "Mom, they want to be very sure they get it all. This happens more often than you might think, where 'margins' need to be clear, and the first go-round, until after the pathology reports, doesn't necessarily get it all".

    My second thought is something my 5th (yes, five!!) second opinion said "You have fought so hard already, why would you throw that away by not seeing this one through?" Maybe change it up with "You have been so brave so far, accepting and fighting so hard, why would you throw that away by not seeing this through all the way?"

    That all said, being sad/reacting badly to this kind of news is pretty normal. I, myself, threw pillows...after screaming into them! It's actually pretty healthy, as long as it doesn't go on for days and days.

    The reality, sadly, is that if she doesn't do more, she will be no better than when she started. You know that, she does, too. And this isn't a situation where doing nothing does no harm...

    I'm fairly sure that mom will realize this, and pick up again, and accept reality...but you could also say that you are bugging her so much because you love her, and can't imagine life without her...my daughter said that to me, when I got down....worked, too (lol)!

    Hugs to you both,

    Kathi

    What to say to mom
    Thank you. I am very touched by your reply. I spoke with my mom again today, but she is still stubborn about it. She did agree to the second surgery thank God.

    I appreciate your thoughts and my prayers are with you and everyone here. I will have my mom read all the replies I've received, she has gone to bed already.
    You are a tough fighter.

    Thanks for the hugs also. I will keep you updated as we should hear from the Dr tomorrow.
    Thank you once again.

    Cindy
  • Gizzy
    Gizzy Member Posts: 12
    #7
    zahalene said:

    All good suggestions
    Kathi's suggestions are all good ones, and I hope you can reach your mother and help her to gather her resources and do everything possible to reach a positive outcome. However, in the final analysis, you will not be able to force her to do anything.
    I would also suggest that you tell her just that. "Mom, nobody can force you to do anything, but we love you too much to stop trying to convince you to fight with every weapon we can muster." If she knows you are not going to give up it might help her find the extra ounce of strength and courage she needs as well.

    What to say to my mom
    Thank you for your help. I am very grateful for you and everyone here. My mom did make the decision to have the second surgery but is still very very depressed and I can't imagine what she feels or what anyone here has gone through but you and everyone here are tough fighters and I thank you for your support. I will keep you updated as we are supposed to hear from the Dr. tomorrow.

    thank you so much. I will have my mom read your reply tomorrow as she has already gone to bed.

    once again,
    thank you

    Cindy
  • Gizzy
    Gizzy Member Posts: 12
    #8
    chenheart said:

    I agree with the responses
    I agree with the responses you have already gotten. I can also see why your mom is reacting the way she is, bless her heart, For one thing, she is most likely still in quite a bit of pain from the surgery~ it is sooo recent! Add to that the fear of cancer still being there, it's truly no wonder at all that she didn't hail the closest cab for a return trip to the hospital! And with the recent loss of your father as well, she could "simply" be in shut-down mode right now, Understandable! I call it Ostrich Therapy, you know, head in the sand so we don't see the probem. Only the problem is still there...

    Lead with your heart,Cindy. Let her know just how frightened you are as well, but that you are in this fight TOGETHER! Sometimes it helps to mentally reverse the situation~ what would she want YOU to do if you had received this diagnosis? I dare say she would be with you every step of your recovery process. Let her know you will be there for hers as well.

    It is all so overwhelming at this pont; calmer heads and hearts will hopefully prevail when the initial shock wears off. Thank you for being the concerned and loving daughter you appear to be.

    Keep us posted, won't you? We are here not only for you, but of course for your mom as well, should she decide to come in. We are a LARGE, strong army of survivors; she will find herself in good company.

    Hugs,
    Claudia

    What to say to mom
    Thank you for your support. I am grateful for your help. I will keep you updated as we are supposed to hear from the Dr. tomorrow. My mom did decide to have the second surgery. I appreciate you and everyone here.

    thank you again

    Cindy
  • Gizzy
    Gizzy Member Posts: 12
    #9
    Jadie said:

    Hi Cindy
    Of course you are
    Hi Cindy

    Of course you are scared as well as your mother. If your mothers cancer is a stage 2 it has been caught early. I hope you can convince her to follow up with another surgery. I had to have a second surgery too. Very soon after the first surgery. They also took more lymph nodes. The second surgery was a bit worse and recovery time was longer. But I am glad that I did it because I would always be wondering if there was more that I could have done. That was five years ago.

    My appetite has certainally returned and I feel like a picture of bliss.lol She will again too.

    Huggs to you both
    Jadie

    What to say to mom
    Thank you for your help. My mom did decide to have the second surgery. I will keep you updated as we are supposed to hear from the Dr. tomorrow. I appreciate you and everyone here, I will let you know the outcome of it all.

    once again,

    thank you.

    Cindy

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