worst nightmare

I was scared that the Dr we see today would try to talk my husband out of surgery.

Guess what it came true. I am sitting here typing this and can barly breath. He kept saying that it is so small, there is so little, you are so young, it will probably never grow, if it does it will never effect you. He kept saying, "lets do another PSA and biopsy" to check again. Ok. What the @#$# is the dr looking for? A biopsy can give false negatives. He may not biopsy the exact are or spot the other dr did prior. And the pain Brian was in after the biopsy and the blood. I cannot watch him go through that again. It is too hard. I have trouble sleeping at night. Dreams he is dead from this. Just to wait for more test results. Even a PSA can be false. I know you all will say, more tests the better, it is his body. Well after 18 years he is a part of me so in a sence it is my body as well.

Ok, then after I ran out of the room cause I could not listen anymore to him talking my husband into this. He said yes active servaliance and surgery are the only options. But he only was stressing the active sevailance one. Kept going on and on and on till I could not take it anymore. Anyways I basically RAN out of the room, to the social worker and had a nervious breakdown. To me active servailance is watching a person die slowly. I know, no one will agree. Of course my husband was eating it up and happy with the dr's talking. Anyways after 1/2 hour in the workers office I came out and there was Brian.

Brian was ticked that I left, and did not stay and listen. said there was GOOD news. That he is doing another PSA (that could come back normal, but that means nothing to me). Then he said the dr said that with the cancer being so small .4mm, that the biopsy probably removed the cancer......OOOOOOOHHHHHH MY G. I could not decide whether to laugh or cry. So I walked away. Did NOT want to hear more of what Dr said. "biopsy probably removed the cancer". But what about the other 1.3mm? He did not mention that. What about the high grade PIN. That usually turns to cancer? Hummm no mention of either. but "biopsy probably removed the cancer". I cannot get that out of my head....."biopsy probably removed the cancer". WOW maybe all guys should have a biopsy as treatment or an option to remove cancer. A person diagnosed with cancer has cancer.. that is it...period. And I will not trust any tests this Dr does. Cause PSA can go up and down with cancer. ANd a biopsy of the prostate is like throwing darts at a pea in a pillow and hoping to hit it. That is why there are false negatives.

SO now what. I can't do this. It is sooo hard. Especially when you do not trust the dr. I cannot just watch and wait for it to go sevirior. Or terminal. It is like watching a flower die. But in the end Brian said "I am PENCILED in for surgery in February". Ok is that an actual date or is it just a note for the month? What am I suppose to do? Honestly I just want to curl up somewhere and cry and scream. I cannot help how I feel. And I feel bad that I feel I cannot do this with him. But that is how I feel. Why would I want to just sit back and say.. ohh yippy "biopsy probably removed the cancer", lets just do another blood test and biopsy even though they could come back false negative...