Need Some Advise

Questions
Beth,

Let me also chime in here... the questions you are asking are very normal questions and thoughts, considering what you are going through in your life right now. I would be shocked if anyone, bet them a Stage 1, 2, 3 or 4 didn't have the same thoughts going through their head... in particular, anyone who has been diagnosed at a Stage 4 DX. If you talk to oncologists/doctors, be them your own or any others... and give them a hypothetical, "When someone is diagnosed as a Stage 4 cancer, do YOU believe there is a good chance they could be cured?"... I bet you get pretty much the same response from all of them... a shake of the head and a "Stage 4 is incurable" or "Stage 4 is terminal" (if they are older and still of the old school of thought). This does NOT mean they are not good doctors or that they are lacking in knowledge... it means that they are thinking in the ways they have been taught and that is pretty hard for them to break out of that way of thinking. They are also covering their butts to a certain extent.. there is no way they can say to any patient, "Oh sure... as long as we follow Treatments A, B, and C, then there's a good chance you will be cured". NO one can make promises like that and especially doctors who can be sued for just using the wrong words.

1) A second opinion can be invaluable because a different doctor may see the same problem, but has a different solution for how to tackle it. Both doctors' solutions/plans may be good but they may be coming at it from two different angles. The more options you have to choose, is always better in my opinion... on the other hand, it could also cause more confusion because if there are two different options, then which one do you choose?

I'm in the same boat as you... I LOVE my oncologist and have total faith that she is always searching for the best treatment plan for ME as an individual and I'm more than happy with that. If, for a minute, I thought that she was offering the same plan for all her patients and not looking at us as individuals, then I would be out there asking for a second and third opinion. But that's just me. You have to search into yourself and ask yourself some difficult questions... Are you REALLY happy with your onc/doctors and if so, why? Occasionally, do questions come up where you think that maybe he's not following something that is important to you, or you feel he hasn't got your best interests as a priority? If the end result is that you are happy with him, then you can just enjoy knowing you have the best that works for you... and if at any time you do start to wonder, then go ahead and ask for a second referral/opinion.

2) Stage 4 = Death Sentence. Oh, can I relate with you on this one!! Like you, and everyone else here who has access to a computer and the internet, I read as much as I could find on Colon Cancer, Survival Rates, Consequences, Spread of Cancer, and a whole bunch of other terms... including the 4 stages. I was diagnosed as Stage III, so I already was scaring the daylights out of myself when I started reading... but at the time said, "Well, at least I'm not a Stage IV"!! You see, with the reading I had done, I had already set myself up that if I had been a Stage IV, then this was a death sentence... any other stage was something I could handle. Of course, when they found out my cancer had spread to the adrenal gland and the lung, then that made me a Stage 4 and I had a bit of an emotional breakdown, I'd say. This was the worst of my nightmares... I'm now a Stage 4, so I'm going to die!! I could not, no matter what anyone said, get this out of my head. I'm incurable!! I'm terminal!! I'm going to die!! That's all I could think of and there are no words to describe the terror I felt... pure, 100% terror.

So, I totally understand what you are feeling and going through right now. But there are a few missing pieces from the scenerio you read on the internet about Stage 4 = death. I feel fine. I don't have any of the "symptoms" of someone who is dying. I'm certainly far from "wasting away" ... the pictures we have in our head about someone who is skin and bones, can't eat, can't feed themselves, and must have 24 hour care. I am totally living my life the way I did before I was ever diagnosed, so what gives?? When does the "dying process" start, if I'm supposedly dying??

It was then that I realized... as much of a tool as the internet is, and it does have a lot of information out there, the best information you can get for yourself is to talk to others who have been, or are going through, the same condition you are. Doctors are fabulous, but they aren't going through it themselves so they are giving you medical opinions/treatments/plans. Family and loved ones are a necessity as a support team, but they too don't know what it's like to go through this because they aren't going through it themselves... but they are going through their own fears and symptoms knowing that you have this condition and it scares them. No, the best thing is to surround yourself with us semi-colons... because we DO know what you are feeling and we have all had the same questions you have... and some of us have answers, some of us are waiting to hear the answers... from those who have been there. And as you and I both know, there have been quite a few Stage 4 folk on these boards who have been where we are and now 5, 6, 10, 20 years later are still around to talk about it. In case you didn't know, YOU and I are going to be one of those and we are going to come back here to talk to others about our experiences and what we've learned along the way

3) When is it time to give up? Again... a very good question and one that we all have given some thought to. The "pat" answer of course... "never give up"... but that doesn't really answer the question. WHEN will we know it's TIME to give up? I think that is a personal choice and it's one of those things that you will know when it is... it's not a time that you plan for and say, "Well, I'm going to give up when I have to go through Procedure #15 or Procedure #6". If you are asking the question, then it's not time to give up.

I remember when I was a little girl...probably around 6 years old. I didn't really understand the concept of death and I guess someone our family knew must have died. I wanted to know WHY they died? What makes someone die?? I don't know what the answer was that I was given in my 6 years of being on this planet but I distinctly remember thinking... well, dying is stupid. If you stop breathing, you die... so obviously, if you refuse to stop breathing then you won't die. And I remember making a pact with myself saying, "No matter what, when someone tells me it's time to die, I'm not going to stop breathing... so no one can make me die as long as I keep breathing." Out of the minds of babes But to this day, I know that unless I give permission to stop breathing, I am going to continue living.

One last thought on what has turned into a saga ... when you think Stage 4, think the word "INCURABLE"... then break that word down - "IN CURE ABILITY". What this means is we ALL have the ABILITY to CURE from withIN. Filling our minds with negative thoughts, the end of a procedure being death, leaving our family and loved ones, and thoughts along this line, will in fact produce this. Our MIND from WITHIN is incredibly strong and powerful and we can actually make our thoughts become a reality.

What do YOU want at the end of this journey? What are your goals? I know that I want to grow old with my friends. I don't have children of my own, but so many of my friends do and I want to be there to see them graduate from university, I want to see them perform, I want to see them settle down with someone they love and carve a life for themselves in our crazy mixed up world. But most of all, I want to continue having the fun, love and crazy times with these friends until we are all ancient and screaming at each other "WHAT?? I DIDN'T HEAR WHAT YOU SAID!! SPEAK UP!!"

So yes, the lung surgery is going to be extensive... so? You are up for the challenge because you have a lot going for you in your life and the whole reason you are going through this surgery is so you can continue this life you love. You say that the surgery is next week... then you will be seeing your onc Dec 12th to start the chemo. Well, you know they won't start the chemo until you are healed from the surgery... so if you are seeing your onc a few weeks after surgery, then chances are you are going to be doing pretty darn ok a few weeks after the surgery... so we are only talking a couple of weeks that may take up all your energy for healing. But if this DX of being a stage 4 was a death sentence... they would not be putting you through the surgery and chemo... they would be more focused on just keeping you comfortable

You have a LONG LONG ways to go... so throw out that thought of death and when you should give up Neither fit into the equation

:::end of saga::: (for now )

Huggggggs,

Cheryl