DOES ANYONE ELSE THINK LIKE ME
Comments
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Understandinghopeful36 said:Understanding much better now........
Hi, I am new to this site this, this is my second post since joining in feb 08. I normally just read. When reading your post am quite sad to say that I can relate, but comforted also that I'm not the only one. My husband who just turned 37yrs old was diagnoised with a Gliomas brain stem tumor that is inoperable, although it was found in 2001 and he went through radiation and was fine for 7yrs after they said he would live for only 2, We figured we beat the odds and he was going to be fine. Well in Feb of 06 we started planning our wedding for Oct 07, everything was going great we had just had our yearly visit at Duke Brain Tumor Center in July 07 and they said he was looking great and the MRI's were good. Then Aug 23 exactly 1 month from our doctor visit, things about my husband started to change, his speech, vision,hearing & walking etc... I immediately called the doctors and they ordered another MRI and thats when we learned that the tumor started to grow. My husband started chemo Sept 17,07 and his physical abilities became worse, we had our wedding party as well as us seated during our ceremony(it was the cutest thing)so no one would wonder why we were just seated. He wasn't ready for anyone to know including our son who is now 14y. My husband now has to walk with a walker, his vision and hearing is poor and he has developed blood clots in his legs and lungs although with all of this I am still thankful. I understand about being tired, too much of others depending on you to be strong. There are times I just want to scream and I literally leave out of my house and go in my car and SCREAM to the top of my lungs and just cry my heart out, then I wipe my tears put a little makeup on and go back in so that he can see me be strong for him and my son. Last week was the first time I sat down with my son and explained to him what was really wrong with his dad. It has been a big relief now that he knows,he was only told that his dad has seizures and thats what the meds are for, after telling him and he did online research he said he now understands why his dad is the way he is, oppose to being afraid he is now more aware of his dad habits, he's more attentive and very helpful and that has been a big help. He now assist with making sure his dad has is proper med in the medicine box, he is learning how to give his dad his injections although he does not like that part. As much as I love my family, I have come to terms that in order for me to help them I must help myself. I take one day out of the week just for me, I ask someone (family) in advance to sit with them while I have my day out (what's funny is that some people felt that I was being selfish for needing time for me)I also felt that at one point, but then realized that while he is going through it all physically and emotionally, I am emotionally drained and need time to regroup. I also make sure my son has his time, and then we do family time altogether. It's hard but we try to get out and enjoy life more than ever. This is a life changing situation that has no guide on how to cope, we know that some day it's our time to go, but when you have to live out and watch some go through pain of dying is emotionally hard and one just don't know what to do.I will admit that there were times I wish we never got married or the thought of leaving, but I made a vow to love him for better or worst and I intend to live by our vows so now instead of dreaming of growing old together we just dream for the next second in our lives.
Thank you for sharing......this is the first time that I have expressed my feelings to anyone.
Dear Hopeful,
My heart goes out to you and I will keep you in my prayers.
People who think you are selfish for needing "Me" time are ignorant and don't have
a clue about what you are going through so fie on them! You have to take care of yourself
in order to care for your husband and son. The best analogy is the oxygen on an airplane.
We are told to use it on ourselves first and then our children or anyone who needs help.
Make sure you eat right, try to excersize (I ballooned up to 180 on a 5'2" frame when my husband was at his worst.) Keep your annual checkups and your son's too. Music always helped me. And girl, cry when you need to. You don't have to be a hero all the time. Ask for help. Sometimes our friends feel helpless and it helps them to have something to do for you! If your husband can tolerate it, have movie night with 1 or 2 close friends. Your insurance probably covers counseling. Don't rule it out. You can tell a counselor all those scary, things you only think of late at night. They can also give you coping skills, stress management and if you're like me, ways to deal with panic attacks.
I wish you the best.
Love yourself. You deserve it.
Jersey Girl in Fla.0 -
I'm guiltyterato said:I'm "guilty"!
island,
When I had cancer, I acted like I was the only one fighting this battle and suffering its consequences, and lashed out at anyone, especially my wife, for presuming to share in my "victimhood". I was angry, bitter, and manipulative, taking it out on my 'path of least resistance' who happened to be my wife, most of the time. Sure, now, I feel bad about it all, but my wife divorced me, and my parents and brother are all deceased. Well-meaning friends have attempted to "fix me up", but I always declined graciously with "I wouldn't wish me on anyone!"
Love and Courage!
Rick
Rick,
Hang it there. Things will get better.
And THANK YOU. Why? For your honesty. I'm the proverbial wife who took
the manipulation, verbal and emotional abuse/abandonment.
I'm still deciding on letting the relationship breathe, temporary seperation, legal seperation. Even though I know what happened to my marriage
is mostly the fault of CANCER and no one's fault I still have
enormous guilt even though my husband is doing extremely well.
Even on the flip side, it hurts like hell.
IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT! HOW CAN ANYONE BE EQUIPTED TO KNOW HOW TO
DEAL WITH THIS KIND OF TRAUMA? STOP BEATING YOURSELF UP MY FRIEND.
I forgave my husband. Forgive yourself. Life is too short to live
any other way. Let go and learn to love yourself. It takes a lot of courage
to admit how you behaved. That in and of itself is admirable and loveable.
Best.
Jerseygirlinfla0 -
You are an angel!jerseygirlinfla said:I'm guilty
Rick,
Hang it there. Things will get better.
And THANK YOU. Why? For your honesty. I'm the proverbial wife who took
the manipulation, verbal and emotional abuse/abandonment.
I'm still deciding on letting the relationship breathe, temporary seperation, legal seperation. Even though I know what happened to my marriage
is mostly the fault of CANCER and no one's fault I still have
enormous guilt even though my husband is doing extremely well.
Even on the flip side, it hurts like hell.
IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT! HOW CAN ANYONE BE EQUIPTED TO KNOW HOW TO
DEAL WITH THIS KIND OF TRAUMA? STOP BEATING YOURSELF UP MY FRIEND.
I forgave my husband. Forgive yourself. Life is too short to live
any other way. Let go and learn to love yourself. It takes a lot of courage
to admit how you behaved. That in and of itself is admirable and loveable.
Best.
Jerseygirlinfla
jersey,
Thank you very much for your vote of confidence! I do tend to self-flagellate about a great deal that my present life consists of. In fact, a psychiatrist pretty much said what you said (Maybe you missed your calling?)! Maybe someday it will sink in.
I hope your husband knows what a treasure he has?
Love and Courage!
Rick0 -
Thank Youjerseygirlinfla said:Understanding
Dear Hopeful,
My heart goes out to you and I will keep you in my prayers.
People who think you are selfish for needing "Me" time are ignorant and don't have
a clue about what you are going through so fie on them! You have to take care of yourself
in order to care for your husband and son. The best analogy is the oxygen on an airplane.
We are told to use it on ourselves first and then our children or anyone who needs help.
Make sure you eat right, try to excersize (I ballooned up to 180 on a 5'2" frame when my husband was at his worst.) Keep your annual checkups and your son's too. Music always helped me. And girl, cry when you need to. You don't have to be a hero all the time. Ask for help. Sometimes our friends feel helpless and it helps them to have something to do for you! If your husband can tolerate it, have movie night with 1 or 2 close friends. Your insurance probably covers counseling. Don't rule it out. You can tell a counselor all those scary, things you only think of late at night. They can also give you coping skills, stress management and if you're like me, ways to deal with panic attacks.
I wish you the best.
Love yourself. You deserve it.
Jersey Girl in Fla.
Thank You all so much for your comments and advice, it has truly been uplifting. Jerseygirl, I think Rick's right you missed your calling
Thanks Again,
Hopeful0 -
If my dad lives to see me get married
Basically every time I stop to think, I wonder if my dad will live until the next time I can buy a plane ticket to see him. I'm terrified I will get a phone call saying "quick, hop on a plane, dad is so weak he might not make it". Perhaps it's unhealthy, but I try NOT to think about his cancer when I can. Sometimes I will go a whole day not thinking about it because I simply shut off. Honestly I think there are times in your life when it's ok to give yourself a break, and live a little without feelings. It's exhausting realizing that you (or a loved one) could die any day. It's ok to feel the weight of cancer on your shoulders, but if you don't have to think about planning your funeral - DON'T!
When you do have to think about it, maybe spend more time focusing on something rewarding that you've accomplished. By simply posting that thought you've helped me and many others know there's someone else out there confronting that constant feeling.0 -
jerseygirlinfla and rickjerseygirlinfla said:I'm guilty
Rick,
Hang it there. Things will get better.
And THANK YOU. Why? For your honesty. I'm the proverbial wife who took
the manipulation, verbal and emotional abuse/abandonment.
I'm still deciding on letting the relationship breathe, temporary seperation, legal seperation. Even though I know what happened to my marriage
is mostly the fault of CANCER and no one's fault I still have
enormous guilt even though my husband is doing extremely well.
Even on the flip side, it hurts like hell.
IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT! HOW CAN ANYONE BE EQUIPTED TO KNOW HOW TO
DEAL WITH THIS KIND OF TRAUMA? STOP BEATING YOURSELF UP MY FRIEND.
I forgave my husband. Forgive yourself. Life is too short to live
any other way. Let go and learn to love yourself. It takes a lot of courage
to admit how you behaved. That in and of itself is admirable and loveable.
Best.
Jerseygirlinfla
I wish I lived next door to you BOTH! You have made more sense to me than all the doctors friends and errant husbands I know...........thank u. Rick she is right, stop beating yourself up and try to enjoy life.0 -
new and want to say i can relatetasha_111 said:My husband keeps banging on about a vacation... sorry I just can't go there. Even when he turned up with a grotty old, non-running 1970s motor home with a leaky roof. I wonder why?
hi,
first i am so glad to see so many of your feel like i do. i am a 11 year survivor of stage 3 breast cancer and also uterine cancer and dcis. It's been a long time but thoughts do creep in.
i have found this site interesting since i am not sure where I belong anymore. I think it's because of my 49th coming up. i am very lucky to still be here I have lost two relatives to cancer when I was going through treatments.
has anyone found that family seem to look at you werid when you mention anything about cancer anymore? I don't even talk about it anymore because I know people do not want to hear about. They seem to not get that it is something i have to live the rest of my life with.
I do wish all the best and will check in from time to time0 -
People fear their own mortality.norar said:new and want to say i can relate
hi,
first i am so glad to see so many of your feel like i do. i am a 11 year survivor of stage 3 breast cancer and also uterine cancer and dcis. It's been a long time but thoughts do creep in.
i have found this site interesting since i am not sure where I belong anymore. I think it's because of my 49th coming up. i am very lucky to still be here I have lost two relatives to cancer when I was going through treatments.
has anyone found that family seem to look at you werid when you mention anything about cancer anymore? I don't even talk about it anymore because I know people do not want to hear about. They seem to not get that it is something i have to live the rest of my life with.
I do wish all the best and will check in from time to time
norar,
"There but for the grace of God, go I!" Others know that, what happens to "us", can happen to them. The more we talk about "our" cancers, the more they are reminded that cancer, stroke, diabetes, etc. can happen to them, if not today, than a year from now. We provide reminders of the fact that no one is immune from life's many crises and challenges.
Love and Courage!
Rick0 -
Fear of the unknownterato said:People fear their own mortality.
norar,
"There but for the grace of God, go I!" Others know that, what happens to "us", can happen to them. The more we talk about "our" cancers, the more they are reminded that cancer, stroke, diabetes, etc. can happen to them, if not today, than a year from now. We provide reminders of the fact that no one is immune from life's many crises and challenges.
Love and Courage!
Rick
Rick, I've seen the fear in people's eyes when they look at me, terror even. It's for them, most of the time, not me. Although I have to say that I have met very kind people who are truely concerned about me, especially members of my family. I think the unknown is scarier than what you are dealing with. The "idea" of getting cancer. You have no control. Once you have it, you think, what else can happen to me? Then you have some control because you can decide how far to go in the treatments and when enough is enough. When I was going thru chemo and wore my "cancer scarf" I always appreciated when people would ask me questions about my cancer. It's when people avoided me or avoided talking about it, that's when I knew these people were scared. Even the religious ones.0 -
does anyone else think like me
RE
I certainly can relate to that feeling of negativity. There are times when I truly wonder if all I went thru is only delaying the end. It's a difficult thing to think about and putting it into words really brings out the emotions of it all. I think we need to do just that. Put it our there in order to see that it exist for us and feel the feelings. Cry and wonder what you are going to do to make it better. Then just think about all that has happened since your journey began that you would have missed if you haven't fought so hard to be here. For me there is so much,if I just take a few minutes to realize it. For example, after nearly two years of dealing with cancer in my life, I have a three month old grandson to love and watch grow every day if I want to be there. It's hard to make plans for the future knowing that you may not be around that long but did we ever really know how long we were going to be here. At any given moment life could have ended without a chance to change it. So what if anything is so different now that we have had and may have cancer agin. Please, don't think that I am in any way critizing you for feeling that way. I have days when I wonder what the purpose of my being here really is and why I bother to even get up in the morning much less do anything about the next day or week or month. Planning for the future is just something we always did without any thought to if we would be here for it. Cancer changes that. Why? I don't really know but I think that we need as human beings to live for today and plan for all our tomorrows even if we may not be here for them.
Hugs and Prayers
Shirley0 -
SPOT ONnsquirrely said:does anyone else think like me
RE
I certainly can relate to that feeling of negativity. There are times when I truly wonder if all I went thru is only delaying the end. It's a difficult thing to think about and putting it into words really brings out the emotions of it all. I think we need to do just that. Put it our there in order to see that it exist for us and feel the feelings. Cry and wonder what you are going to do to make it better. Then just think about all that has happened since your journey began that you would have missed if you haven't fought so hard to be here. For me there is so much,if I just take a few minutes to realize it. For example, after nearly two years of dealing with cancer in my life, I have a three month old grandson to love and watch grow every day if I want to be there. It's hard to make plans for the future knowing that you may not be around that long but did we ever really know how long we were going to be here. At any given moment life could have ended without a chance to change it. So what if anything is so different now that we have had and may have cancer agin. Please, don't think that I am in any way critizing you for feeling that way. I have days when I wonder what the purpose of my being here really is and why I bother to even get up in the morning much less do anything about the next day or week or month. Planning for the future is just something we always did without any thought to if we would be here for it. Cancer changes that. Why? I don't really know but I think that we need as human beings to live for today and plan for all our tomorrows even if we may not be here for them.
Hugs and Prayers
Shirley
Shirley,
Thank you for your kind words they are much appreciated! I too have so much to be happy for, since my first battle with cancer I have been able to see both my children graduate from high school, i now have 2 grandsons i adore and I have been give 10 more years with my husband. Life truly is good!
THank you again
Rena0 -
Life is goodRE said:SPOT ON
Shirley,
Thank you for your kind words they are much appreciated! I too have so much to be happy for, since my first battle with cancer I have been able to see both my children graduate from high school, i now have 2 grandsons i adore and I have been give 10 more years with my husband. Life truly is good!
THank you again
Rena
Rena
I'm glad you have found some comfort in the words we have written in these postings. I find that they are helping me to see my stinking thoughts as well and have renewed faith that life is as good as you make it. Let's start making it the best we can each day and plan for wonderful things in the future. I know saying it doesn't magically make all of it better. It just reminds us that even in a bad day there are good moments we might have missed.
Hugs and prayers
Shirley0 -
Much to be grateful forRE said:SPOT ON
Shirley,
Thank you for your kind words they are much appreciated! I too have so much to be happy for, since my first battle with cancer I have been able to see both my children graduate from high school, i now have 2 grandsons i adore and I have been give 10 more years with my husband. Life truly is good!
THank you again
Rena
I have much to be grateful for, also. I have 3 children, 2 of whom have grown up, graduated from high school. The one remaining at home is a freshman in high school. When I first got cancer, she was only 12. I was very concerned what would happen to her. So I am grateful I was able to attend her 8th grade graduation and I was a very proud Mom! Things could have gone very different. Is it too much to ask that I can attend her high school gradation? I have been in remission for 18 months from ovarian cancer, "the silent killer." So far so good. It is very easy to sink into negativity, even when in remission. I always have to remind myself that I want to be very, very thankful I have made it thus far. I could have gotten cancer when my children were very young. And then things would have been alot worse.0 -
Thank You All
I wanted to thank you all for your heart felt comments to my post. It is true that I have so much to be happy about and that is who I am, I am not cancer. I think these thoughts are just a part of being a survivor and I will have to learn to set them aside when they sneak into my happy thoughts. Since my cancer I have had many, many good times and some very sad ones. I believe this would be true weather or not I had ever had cancer, it is just the way the merry go round of life works.
I have a wonderfully supportive family, 2 wonderful grandsons who love their grandma (ha ha I'm a grandma) great friends, a strong faith, and a super medical team that works hard to keep me here and of course all of my wonderful cyber friends from CSN.
Thank you again for your kindness, my best to each of you!
RE0 -
I find myself doing the sameislandwife said:being pushed away
why do the ones with the cancer turn on the non cancer spouse? what can i do th deflect or redirect his anger at me & his changing into being a loner, like i don't exsit? what happens??
Islandwife,
I read your post and it truly struck home. I just got done posting my own problems about why I have become so negative...so angry...I dont understand it. And, the one person that stuck with me through the entire cancer treatment in the hospital was my wife. She slept on the most uncomfortable chair right next to my bed for 2 months straight. She added an extra 45 minute drive to her commute to work every day for me.
She was my everything, she gave me the strength i needed to get past the pain and anxiety.
Yet here I am, taking my anger out on her a year later. She tells me that I have become worrisome, constantly requiring her to reassure me that she loves me. I find myself becoming clingy as if I dont deserve her or something. And in the meantime, all i'm doing is creating un-needed tension and conflict.
Even as I'm writing this it brings tears to my eyes because I know she doesnt deserve it. Yet, for some reason it appears as if I am taking it out on her. Perhaps it is because I have pushed everyone else in my life away. I dont like accepting "help" from others, so the only way to refuse it is to create this divide between me and the "others who havent had cancer".
I think the problem is that I tried to make the cancer "my thing" so that my loved ones dont have to deal with it. but in doing so, im removing myself from the people i love, my wife first and foremost. I hope i can get my mind back to normal, but it has been difficult on my own. I am currently looking into support groups and a counselor.
please know that your husband loves you, but is reacting to something he cant understand.
much love, taylor0 -
I wonder....tkrumroy said:I find myself doing the same
Islandwife,
I read your post and it truly struck home. I just got done posting my own problems about why I have become so negative...so angry...I dont understand it. And, the one person that stuck with me through the entire cancer treatment in the hospital was my wife. She slept on the most uncomfortable chair right next to my bed for 2 months straight. She added an extra 45 minute drive to her commute to work every day for me.
She was my everything, she gave me the strength i needed to get past the pain and anxiety.
Yet here I am, taking my anger out on her a year later. She tells me that I have become worrisome, constantly requiring her to reassure me that she loves me. I find myself becoming clingy as if I dont deserve her or something. And in the meantime, all i'm doing is creating un-needed tension and conflict.
Even as I'm writing this it brings tears to my eyes because I know she doesnt deserve it. Yet, for some reason it appears as if I am taking it out on her. Perhaps it is because I have pushed everyone else in my life away. I dont like accepting "help" from others, so the only way to refuse it is to create this divide between me and the "others who havent had cancer".
I think the problem is that I tried to make the cancer "my thing" so that my loved ones dont have to deal with it. but in doing so, im removing myself from the people i love, my wife first and foremost. I hope i can get my mind back to normal, but it has been difficult on my own. I am currently looking into support groups and a counselor.
please know that your husband loves you, but is reacting to something he cant understand.
much love, taylor
if you know your wife loves you so much that it feels "safe" to be negative and sad with her.0 -
I doruthelizabeth said:I wonder....
if you know your wife loves you so much that it feels "safe" to be negative and sad with her.
I do love her that much. I just hate bringing this darkness into her life. I used to be her shining light, now i feel as if I'm the curtain covering a window from the bright outside.0 -
i know how you feel, i andtkrumroy said:I do
I do love her that much. I just hate bringing this darkness into her life. I used to be her shining light, now i feel as if I'm the curtain covering a window from the bright outside.
i know how you feel, i and to be married next july to my handsome prince and i feel like i am adding way to much to his plate when we meet i was just getting over breast cancer and was in a house fire , then 3 month after we started dating i got a call from doc telling me that they think cancer is back in other breast sure enough i was to under go serg last thursday and doc cancelled serg that a.m told me faye you have a bigger problem i asked what , they told me they found a tumor behind my kidneys it is now sunday and i go back to doctor in after noon i am scared and my hubby to be is at sea he feels lost and thinks he is not doing his job , i tell him nothing he can do but on other hand i want to walk out on him cause it is too much i feel for him , i feel lost confused , lonely and in alot of pain0 -
Oh god, what a huge reliefTereB said:I've been there too. I did
I've been there too. I did the spiritual thing until I found something I was comfortable with and now that faith helps me stay calm, not worry about the little stuff.
Cancer is such a scary thing. After diagnosis and treatment, follow-ups that say you are doing well, no sign of cancer, we are still afraid it will come back. We think we may not have long to live, etc. What is the point in planning for anything in the future if we may not be here? All are very normal feelings. At one time I actually thought there was no point in buying anything, not even clothes since I might not be around to wear them. I also thought it would be nice to make things easier for my family... giving away my stuff so they wouldn't have to do it after I died. Now it sounds ridiculous and funny to me. Luckily for me, my therapist helped me get a better sense of reality.
I was diagnosed in 1987 and I am still around, relaxed and enjoying life even though there is no cure for my type of cancer. I have mets in most of my bones but I am still able to work and to have fun. I am not supposed to run or jog but that is fine with me since I didn't like it anyway. Nobody has said anything about not dancing so I dance and dance and fully enjoy it because I always liked dancing. I dance with my husband, my kids, the cats, the dog or alone. I dance when I am cooking and sometimes when I am vacuuming the house. And I dance or at least sway with the music at the supermarkets and stores that have music and I enjoy it even though my dancing in public drives my sister crazy... he, he, he.
The thing is that nobody knows what the future will bring. So why worry now about something that may not happen for a long time? Ladies, give yourselves permission to enjoy life, enjoy all the little things that are around and we usually do not pay attention to like beautiful sunsets, etc. Get help like therapy if you think you need it. I am glad I went to therapy because it gave me back my life.
Try to stop worrying about things that have not happened yet. Live one day at a time and try to enjoy it. Don't allow little things to upset you. Laugh often, even if you havae to fake it at beginning. Humor and exercise are great for depression. Get help if you need it.
To all of you, a big hug,
Tere
Oh god, what a huge relief to find this site. I just finished chemo in May and I am panicked and terrified and sick to the core that it might come back, I have a 21 month old bay girl and every time I look at her I pray I will get to see her grow. I am so overjoyed to read about people who were diagosed in the eighties and are doing well. If I live that long I will get to see my little girl grow into a young woman, I will get to be there by her side. You are giving me such hope, such relief from the horrific nightmare of panic and fear which has hit me over the past few weeks, all I can say is thank you, thank you, thank you...0
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