Today

Sandi1
Sandi1 Member Posts: 277
edited March 2014 in Colorectal Cancer #1
Well, today was my husband's 1st. oncology appointment since his surgery. She (the oncologist) had the reports from the surgery and the PET scan results. She told us that he has mutiple nodules on both of his lungs (we were not expecting that), first they had told us there were only a few and only on one lung. The good news is, that only 1 nodule shows any activity and it measures 8mm. He does have nodules on his liver that we already knew about, they just confirmed it. He will be starting chemo on Wednesday next week and he has to be admitted into the hospital for the first one, and he will be there until Friday. During that stay they will be inserting the port.

Ok, so I knew he had to have chemo and I knew that he had nodules on his liver and lungs - so why was I so shocked when she said we are going to start chemo next week. It was like I was being dragged off somewhere not very nice, I felt like kicking and screaming - and I'm not even the one with Cancer. I thought I had this all dealt with, now I feel like I have been punched in the the stomach again. Here we go again, then My husband says to me - I hope this chemo works. I had to put my feeling and anxiety on the back burner and tell him, you have to be positive, you have to want the chemo to work or it's not going to. Then he said what if the chemo gets rid of the cancer, and then the cancer comes back. I told him, if it comes back we will fight it again, and we will continue to fight until there is no reason to fight anymore.

Well, I should go --- thanks for letting me vent AGAIN. I hate cancer and I hate what it does to people - the ones sick with it and the ones that have to watch what it does to those they love.

Sandi

Comments

  • Madre
    Madre Member Posts: 123
    #2
    You are not alone
    I had the surgery, knew I had 3b cancer, knew I needed chemo, but the day at the oncologist office I came home and I was a wreck!!! I had never had an anxiety attack before but I had one that day. I wanted to cry, but was afraid I'd never stop. I didn't want to be touched, yet I dodn't want to be left alone. I couldn't sit or anything. I paced back and forth my mind going a mile a minute about everything, yet now that I think back really nothing. It is a feeling I had never in my life felt and words cannot describe it. I got some meds from the doctor and it did get better over time. I was depressed the first couple times after chemo and I wanted to give up, but I didn't and now I only have 2 more treatments left. Be patient it is a lot to digest all at once and you can never prepare, you just have to live. It will get better, hang in there and vent often. Don't bottle it up. Your husband can't think "what if" he needs to just say it is what is it and take it 1 day at a time. Prayers are with you.
  • Faith4Cure
    Faith4Cure Member Posts: 405 Member
    #3
    Sandi
    I understand your
    Sandi
    I understand your emotions. As the caretaker, you want to be supportive, but it is such a rollercoaster of emotions. My husband was the patient, but I was also the one that felt like kicking and screaming--just like you. None of it was fair! It wasn't fair that we should have to deal with this at this age and it wasn't fair that our teenagers should have this worry in their life. We all HATE cancer and what it does to us and our families. You are doing great---keep encouraging and continue to keep your husband positive. It is a rough road, whether you are the patient or the caretaker. After all of the care and positive words that you give your husband, make sure that you take time out for yourself and find a friend or relative that you can lean on. You need to take care of yourself so you can take even better care of your husband.

    My thoughts and prayers are with you both as your husband begins his chemo. Remember there are many positive and successful stories here on this site---yours will be one of them! Stay positive and keep the faith!

    Faith
  • tootsie1
    tootsie1 Member Posts: 5,044 Member
    #4
    Praying for you
    I'm sure both very shellshocked. Getting news like that will certainly take the stuffing out of you. It sounds like your husband is scared, as I'm sure you are. Hopefully, once the chemo has started, and you can see some positive changes, it will get a little better for both of you.

    I'll be praying for peace and comfort and for wonderful results.

    *hugs*
    Gail
  • msccolon
    msccolon Member Posts: 1,917 Member
    #5
    cancer sucks
    Sandi, i am praying for you and your husband. This is such a crazy ride and can be very scary at times. I am in love with Ativan; it helps when the scaries try to take over. Just remember to give yourself and your husband permission to be afraid at times. We do have to fight and a positive attitude is important, but to deny that cancer is scary and to think that you have to be positive is impossible! We are only human and can only do what we can do when we can do it. Have faith and continue on, one step at a time.
    Mary
  • impactzone
    impactzone Member Posts: 555 Member
    #6
    Hang in... We've all been
    Hang in... We've all been there before and I know its no comfort... sometimes I think its harder on the caregivers... at least for me I can do something about surgery and when I take chemo. I feel like I'm fighting but afterwards I realize its the people around me that are giving me such a reason to fight. god bless all
    chip
  • CherylHutch
    CherylHutch Member Posts: 1,375 Member
    #7
    Vent Away!
    Sandi... by all means, feel free to come in here and vent! The scaries are truly that... scary! I'm one of the people who believe a positive attitude goes a long way in the fight against this monster, but I would only be fooling myself if I thought for a minute that having a positive attitude gets rid of the scaries. Every time the mind starts to wander to the territory of "What if this is the beginning of a quick spread?" or "What if my oncologist tells me there isn't anything more they can do?" or and the list goes on and on... and the mind is quick to think up new scary thoughts that I may not have thought about before.

    As I mentioned in another post, I have never gotten angry or mad and maybe that's what I need to do, although I can't pretend I'm angry if I'm not. I do think the positive attitude is a powerful weapon for going into battle... but I have not found the magic bullet that will get rid of the fear. The only thing I can think of that will do that is for my oncologist to say, "Well, look at that... all signs of cancer have disappeared!" and she hasn't done that yet, even though I feel great.

    So, unfortunately I can't give you any magicaladvice on how to get rid of that fear when it appears, other than to take a deep breath and come have some quiet time at your computer and tap into this wonderful group. You can either add comments to existing topics or create a new topic and vent to your heart's content. Try and put your fear into words and you will probably find that just writing what is scaring you into words will help chase them away.

    If you find that the fears are taking up a lot of time of your days, then don't hesitate to go to your doctor and get something to take the edge off. I was definitely having problems with that and couldn't control breaking into tears every time I thought of the potential consequences... which I was thinking about all the time. So a little Ativan or another anti-anxiety med does amazing things to take the edge off the fear. No, it doesn't make you buzzy or high, or not able to function. You don't feel anything other than the fear is in the background and not taking over your life.

    Come on back anytime you feel like venting, crying or sharing the good times! We are all here to listen and help :)

    Hugggggggs,

    Cheryl
  • claud1951
    claud1951 Member Posts: 424 Member
    #8
    Chemo
    Sandi,

    Just get past this first chemo. Again, not knowing is the hard part.

    If you said, I don't, remember but what chemo is your husband going to take? We might be able to give him some tips!

    You are both stong. Just keep your energy for moving forward.

    Thinking of you both
    Claudia
  • mk1117
    mk1117 Member Posts: 46
    #9
    It's tough!
    Sandi -

    Just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking about you and your husband as you deal with this. I think the reality hits you when you're told to begin chemo. The situation all of a sudden becomes so real and so frightening. Someone else commented that not knowing makes it worse - I agree with that. At first, you're thinking "How am I going to deal with this?" and "I'm not strong enough" (at least that's what I thought), but you start the chemo treatments, figure out what the treatments are like and what to expect. It becomes a journey where you look ahead to the light at the end of the tunnel - the end of the treatments. Everyone here will provide you with a wealth of information if you have questions. The chemotherapy treatments may even help you feel empowered, because you know you're taking action to kill that beast. Hang in there, and lean on this discussion board for support - that's what we're here for.

    Kathy
  • Kanort
    Kanort Member Posts: 1,272 Member
    #10
    A New Day!
    Hi Sandi,

    I hope today finds you feeling better. Oncologist's appointments can be very scary and overwhelming! New words and terms are being spoken to you at a fast rate...things to do....things not to do....medication to take....medication not to take....the scan showed "this"...the scan did not show "that"....on and on and on!!!! We understand your anxiety as well as your fear.

    Please take care of yourself as you take care of your husband. I will be thinking of you both next Wednesday and hope that everything goes smoothly. Keep us posted.

    Hugs,

    Kay
  • ruggersocks
    ruggersocks Member Posts: 78 Member
    #11
    Lots of prayers.
    Just read
    Lots of prayers.


    Just read your story and I firmly believe caregivers have one of the hardest jobs. My husband was a single dad to two very young daughters while I was sick these last 2 years. Lots of stress, worry, bitterness, and just plain yuckiness.

    Praying for peace of mind, heart, and soul for you and your family.

    Lots of hugs,
    Cheryl
  • pamness
    pamness Member Posts: 524 Member
    #12
    CherylHutch said:

    Vent Away!
    Sandi... by all means, feel free to come in here and vent! The scaries are truly that... scary! I'm one of the people who believe a positive attitude goes a long way in the fight against this monster, but I would only be fooling myself if I thought for a minute that having a positive attitude gets rid of the scaries. Every time the mind starts to wander to the territory of "What if this is the beginning of a quick spread?" or "What if my oncologist tells me there isn't anything more they can do?" or and the list goes on and on... and the mind is quick to think up new scary thoughts that I may not have thought about before.

    As I mentioned in another post, I have never gotten angry or mad and maybe that's what I need to do, although I can't pretend I'm angry if I'm not. I do think the positive attitude is a powerful weapon for going into battle... but I have not found the magic bullet that will get rid of the fear. The only thing I can think of that will do that is for my oncologist to say, "Well, look at that... all signs of cancer have disappeared!" and she hasn't done that yet, even though I feel great.

    So, unfortunately I can't give you any magicaladvice on how to get rid of that fear when it appears, other than to take a deep breath and come have some quiet time at your computer and tap into this wonderful group. You can either add comments to existing topics or create a new topic and vent to your heart's content. Try and put your fear into words and you will probably find that just writing what is scaring you into words will help chase them away.

    If you find that the fears are taking up a lot of time of your days, then don't hesitate to go to your doctor and get something to take the edge off. I was definitely having problems with that and couldn't control breaking into tears every time I thought of the potential consequences... which I was thinking about all the time. So a little Ativan or another anti-anxiety med does amazing things to take the edge off the fear. No, it doesn't make you buzzy or high, or not able to function. You don't feel anything other than the fear is in the background and not taking over your life.

    Come on back anytime you feel like venting, crying or sharing the good times! We are all here to listen and help :)

    Hugggggggs,

    Cheryl

    Well said
    What a wonderful and eloquent answer to such a difficult subject. I too, never got mad or cried much, wish I had, but I guess that isn't me.

    Here's to a positive attitude and the help and support needed to fight such a horrible disease.

    Pam

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