DOES ANYONE ELSE THINK LIKE ME
RE
Comments
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Hi Re, You are not alone in
Hi Re, You are not alone in your thoughts. I had similar thoughts after my diagnosis. We were planning to remodel our kitchen when I was diagnosed, and after that happened I had no interest anymore. I thought, why bother spending the money if I won't be around in 5 years? I thought that way for quite a while, but then about a year went by and I was pretty much back to thinking more positively about the future. We even remodeled the kitchen...It has been a little more than 2 years since my diagnosis now. Then a few weeks ago, I had a cancer scare and it turned out to be a false alarm, but I am right back to square one again; I have anxiety about dying and am depressed. I can't seem to shake this feeling of doom and gloom. It can be very distressing. I wake up in the morning with a nervous feeling in my stomach--sort of like butterflies. I wish I could give you some advice to help turn your thinking around, but unfortunately I'm in the same frame of mind. I was just hoping that knowing that there are others out here feeling the same, would help you not to feel alone. Keep us posted and you are in my prayers. I pray that we will find peace of mind and spirit soon. Eileen0 -
60...and counting...
Actually, I think these 'why bother' kind of thoughts emerge in most of us whether we have had cancer or some other potentially life-altering situation or not after a certain age. I was 38 when first diagnosed and thought this way a lot during my 3 cancer diagnoses over a span of 10 years. But, hey, I made it to 60 and am still truckin' so I have pretty much let those thoughts go and just decided that if I only live one day in the house I am about to remodel, what the heck? I am worth one day...or a ga-zillion days. Whatever happens, or doesn't.
There are a lot of adjustments to be made as we grow older, physical and otherwise. I think something like cancer just exaserbates (essarbates? aserbates? exasperates..lol) the issue. You know what I mean...sheesh.0 -
I am afraid many of the
I am afraid many of the cancer survivors had the same thought at one time or another. Cancer is scary and all the feelings we get of fear, depression, thinking we cannot go thru treatment, etc. are very normal. The trick is not to stay there but to get out of it and enjoy life, even if your pre-cancer life has changed. Faith in a supreme being, whichever God you believe in, helps. A good sense of humor helps too. Laugh often even if you have to fake the first few laughs. There are many old funny movies that you can rent and enjoy.
After all you've been thru, didn't you notice that you were stronger than you probably though you were? Try to find a positive side in most situations... or some humor. You do not know what is going to happen in three years, do not assume you might be dead.
Many oncology depts. in hospitals have social workers on call, experienced in treating cancer patients because we all get scared, depressed, etc.
Sometimes we have fears, depression, etc. and even though we do not want them, it is not as simple as saying, I am going to move on. Those are the times when we should seek help.
Check this short movie about cancer survivors: www.thesurvivormovie.com
Check this website for cancer survivors, they have a weekly newsletter, free, and it has good ideas/advise because the authors are cancer survivors. They even have a meditation room: www.TheCancerCrusade.com
If you decide to get some help, check these places:
Cancer Care, a non-profit org., offers free support and counseling for cancer patients by oncology social workers. They have face-to-face counseling and counceling on the phone. Support groups on the phone are available too and are moderated by an oncology social worker. Call 800-813-HOPE or check their website www.cancercare.org
Gilda's Club - www.gildasclub.org - they offer free social and emotional support.
Live Strong - www.livestrong.org - offers one-on-one support.
If you decide to have therapy, if you do not like the therapist, look for another one. Don't give up. Life is too short not to enjoy it. The reason I recommend therapy is because it really helped me a lot.
Hugs and prayers,
Tere0 -
Hello Eileen,Eil4186 said:Hi Re, You are not alone in
Hi Re, You are not alone in your thoughts. I had similar thoughts after my diagnosis. We were planning to remodel our kitchen when I was diagnosed, and after that happened I had no interest anymore. I thought, why bother spending the money if I won't be around in 5 years? I thought that way for quite a while, but then about a year went by and I was pretty much back to thinking more positively about the future. We even remodeled the kitchen...It has been a little more than 2 years since my diagnosis now. Then a few weeks ago, I had a cancer scare and it turned out to be a false alarm, but I am right back to square one again; I have anxiety about dying and am depressed. I can't seem to shake this feeling of doom and gloom. It can be very distressing. I wake up in the morning with a nervous feeling in my stomach--sort of like butterflies. I wish I could give you some advice to help turn your thinking around, but unfortunately I'm in the same frame of mind. I was just hoping that knowing that there are others out here feeling the same, would help you not to feel alone. Keep us posted and you are in my prayers. I pray that we will find peace of mind and spirit soon. Eileen
First let me say how glad I am your scare was just a scare and that you have not had a recurrance and thank you for your kind words. It does help to know I am not alone with these doomish thoughts, however that does not mean I want others to feel this way too. I hope you start to feel better soon and those butterflies quiet down. Thanks again Eil for your support!
RE0 -
Thank youTereB said:I am afraid many of the
I am afraid many of the cancer survivors had the same thought at one time or another. Cancer is scary and all the feelings we get of fear, depression, thinking we cannot go thru treatment, etc. are very normal. The trick is not to stay there but to get out of it and enjoy life, even if your pre-cancer life has changed. Faith in a supreme being, whichever God you believe in, helps. A good sense of humor helps too. Laugh often even if you have to fake the first few laughs. There are many old funny movies that you can rent and enjoy.
After all you've been thru, didn't you notice that you were stronger than you probably though you were? Try to find a positive side in most situations... or some humor. You do not know what is going to happen in three years, do not assume you might be dead.
Many oncology depts. in hospitals have social workers on call, experienced in treating cancer patients because we all get scared, depressed, etc.
Sometimes we have fears, depression, etc. and even though we do not want them, it is not as simple as saying, I am going to move on. Those are the times when we should seek help.
Check this short movie about cancer survivors: www.thesurvivormovie.com
Check this website for cancer survivors, they have a weekly newsletter, free, and it has good ideas/advise because the authors are cancer survivors. They even have a meditation room: www.TheCancerCrusade.com
If you decide to get some help, check these places:
Cancer Care, a non-profit org., offers free support and counseling for cancer patients by oncology social workers. They have face-to-face counseling and counceling on the phone. Support groups on the phone are available too and are moderated by an oncology social worker. Call 800-813-HOPE or check their website www.cancercare.org
Gilda's Club - www.gildasclub.org - they offer free social and emotional support.
Live Strong - www.livestrong.org - offers one-on-one support.
If you decide to have therapy, if you do not like the therapist, look for another one. Don't give up. Life is too short not to enjoy it. The reason I recommend therapy is because it really helped me a lot.
Hugs and prayers,
Tere
Tere thank you for all the great suggestions. I am a member of Livestrong and I will check out the others you mentioned. I am not totally depressed, you are right life is way to short for that. I just get these negative thoughts popping in my head where they do not belong. I just wish I could stop it! You gave me many good suggestions and I will check a few of them out. Many hugs to you.
RE0 -
60 and countingzahalene said:60...and counting...
Actually, I think these 'why bother' kind of thoughts emerge in most of us whether we have had cancer or some other potentially life-altering situation or not after a certain age. I was 38 when first diagnosed and thought this way a lot during my 3 cancer diagnoses over a span of 10 years. But, hey, I made it to 60 and am still truckin' so I have pretty much let those thoughts go and just decided that if I only live one day in the house I am about to remodel, what the heck? I am worth one day...or a ga-zillion days. Whatever happens, or doesn't.
There are a lot of adjustments to be made as we grow older, physical and otherwise. I think something like cancer just exaserbates (essarbates? aserbates? exasperates..lol) the issue. You know what I mean...sheesh.
Zah you are spot on! I am worth it weather it is one day or 30 years worth of days. All of these responses have helped me to see that I need to look more toward the positive and less towards the neg. I guess what with losing my sister and my sister in law and fighting cancer myself all last year that I have unintentionally taken a few steps backwards. Thanks for the bit of wisdom! Keep on "truckin"!
RE0 -
Welcome to the club!
Since my experience with cancer, the phrase "peace of mind" has become a foreign concept. I can't even imagine what that must feel like? And, just when I thought that diagnosis and treatment for cancer was the worst thing that could happen in my life, I discovered the body of my brother at the end of the electric cord he used to take his own life. Believe me, I would have endured the whole cancer experience again, if it would have prevented my brother's suicide. Yet, the therapist from whom I eventually sought counseling following this trauma, said "You have not finished emotionally healing from your cancer (12 years ago), how could you be expected to deal with this?" In truth, I am in a perpetual state of emotional limbo. I could not really "be there" fully for my parents in their later years, because I have no more emotional energy to invest. I won't even get into my divorce or subsequent relationships, most of which did not end well.
Negative feelings? I know exactly where you are coming from!
Love and Courage!
Rick0 -
Coincidentally
I struggle with such thoughts often. I've been doing the whole... spiritual reading thing? "A New Earth" and such. Sometimes it helps (usually when I've got the book in my hands), other times it feels futile.
I am free and clear of cancer and have been for over three years, but my mind isn't free, I suppose. I've gotten into arguments about it with my husband because it doesn't feel as if he understands my thoughts. Everything feels like a rush in my life, I feel as if I don't have enough time any more. I want to do this and that, try that and this, all right now / as soon as possible / etc. Obviously, that's not unusual for someone in their 20's, but I'm not just in my 20's - I'm married, without our own home, in a struggling home office, and hoping cancer doesn't return.
It feels lonely sometimes. I feel like planning isn't an option because I may not be here, so I should do what I can as soon as I can. If this at all makes sense...0 -
I DO UNDERSTANDmurielh said:Coincidentally
I struggle with such thoughts often. I've been doing the whole... spiritual reading thing? "A New Earth" and such. Sometimes it helps (usually when I've got the book in my hands), other times it feels futile.
I am free and clear of cancer and have been for over three years, but my mind isn't free, I suppose. I've gotten into arguments about it with my husband because it doesn't feel as if he understands my thoughts. Everything feels like a rush in my life, I feel as if I don't have enough time any more. I want to do this and that, try that and this, all right now / as soon as possible / etc. Obviously, that's not unusual for someone in their 20's, but I'm not just in my 20's - I'm married, without our own home, in a struggling home office, and hoping cancer doesn't return.
It feels lonely sometimes. I feel like planning isn't an option because I may not be here, so I should do what I can as soon as I can. If this at all makes sense...
Hello Muriel,
I do understand, those thoughts are there for me too. I push them away because i want to stay as positive as possible. Don't feel too lonely, this site is full of folks who understand. I often go into the chat room because it is a community of caring,funny and understanding people. Thank you for your post, you sound like a gal who is strong and will overcome the trials cancer hands out to us. Sending cyber hugs your way.
RE0 -
Depressionterato said:Welcome to the club!
Since my experience with cancer, the phrase "peace of mind" has become a foreign concept. I can't even imagine what that must feel like? And, just when I thought that diagnosis and treatment for cancer was the worst thing that could happen in my life, I discovered the body of my brother at the end of the electric cord he used to take his own life. Believe me, I would have endured the whole cancer experience again, if it would have prevented my brother's suicide. Yet, the therapist from whom I eventually sought counseling following this trauma, said "You have not finished emotionally healing from your cancer (12 years ago), how could you be expected to deal with this?" In truth, I am in a perpetual state of emotional limbo. I could not really "be there" fully for my parents in their later years, because I have no more emotional energy to invest. I won't even get into my divorce or subsequent relationships, most of which did not end well.
Negative feelings? I know exactly where you are coming from!
Love and Courage!
Rick
Hi Rick, I can't imagine how your brothers death has affected you. I can only tell you that I am very depressed also. Sometimes I wish that I could grow huge wings & fly away, then I think what kind of birs would I be that wouldn't get shot at by hunters & I realize that there's no perfect way to be. Our journey here on earth is fragile. We must make the best of it however we can. I know all the sayings like needing some bad to compare & appreciate the good. They all make sense to me & help sometimes. At other times my feelings are almost overwhelming. I used to be very adventureous & enjoyed a good challenge. Cancer has taken away a lot of this & I hate that. I read a lotr & it helps. Reading is a good way to escape reality without being harmful. Good luck to you & know that you are not alone. Bayberry0 -
I've been there too. I didmurielh said:Coincidentally
I struggle with such thoughts often. I've been doing the whole... spiritual reading thing? "A New Earth" and such. Sometimes it helps (usually when I've got the book in my hands), other times it feels futile.
I am free and clear of cancer and have been for over three years, but my mind isn't free, I suppose. I've gotten into arguments about it with my husband because it doesn't feel as if he understands my thoughts. Everything feels like a rush in my life, I feel as if I don't have enough time any more. I want to do this and that, try that and this, all right now / as soon as possible / etc. Obviously, that's not unusual for someone in their 20's, but I'm not just in my 20's - I'm married, without our own home, in a struggling home office, and hoping cancer doesn't return.
It feels lonely sometimes. I feel like planning isn't an option because I may not be here, so I should do what I can as soon as I can. If this at all makes sense...
I've been there too. I did the spiritual thing until I found something I was comfortable with and now that faith helps me stay calm, not worry about the little stuff.
Cancer is such a scary thing. After diagnosis and treatment, follow-ups that say you are doing well, no sign of cancer, we are still afraid it will come back. We think we may not have long to live, etc. What is the point in planning for anything in the future if we may not be here? All are very normal feelings. At one time I actually thought there was no point in buying anything, not even clothes since I might not be around to wear them. I also thought it would be nice to make things easier for my family... giving away my stuff so they wouldn't have to do it after I died. Now it sounds ridiculous and funny to me. Luckily for me, my therapist helped me get a better sense of reality.
I was diagnosed in 1987 and I am still around, relaxed and enjoying life even though there is no cure for my type of cancer. I have mets in most of my bones but I am still able to work and to have fun. I am not supposed to run or jog but that is fine with me since I didn't like it anyway. Nobody has said anything about not dancing so I dance and dance and fully enjoy it because I always liked dancing. I dance with my husband, my kids, the cats, the dog or alone. I dance when I am cooking and sometimes when I am vacuuming the house. And I dance or at least sway with the music at the supermarkets and stores that have music and I enjoy it even though my dancing in public drives my sister crazy... he, he, he.
The thing is that nobody knows what the future will bring. So why worry now about something that may not happen for a long time? Ladies, give yourselves permission to enjoy life, enjoy all the little things that are around and we usually do not pay attention to like beautiful sunsets, etc. Get help like therapy if you think you need it. I am glad I went to therapy because it gave me back my life.
Try to stop worrying about things that have not happened yet. Live one day at a time and try to enjoy it. Don't allow little things to upset you. Laugh often, even if you havae to fake it at beginning. Humor and exercise are great for depression. Get help if you need it.
To all of you, a big hug,
Tere0 -
Right on TereB!TereB said:I've been there too. I did
I've been there too. I did the spiritual thing until I found something I was comfortable with and now that faith helps me stay calm, not worry about the little stuff.
Cancer is such a scary thing. After diagnosis and treatment, follow-ups that say you are doing well, no sign of cancer, we are still afraid it will come back. We think we may not have long to live, etc. What is the point in planning for anything in the future if we may not be here? All are very normal feelings. At one time I actually thought there was no point in buying anything, not even clothes since I might not be around to wear them. I also thought it would be nice to make things easier for my family... giving away my stuff so they wouldn't have to do it after I died. Now it sounds ridiculous and funny to me. Luckily for me, my therapist helped me get a better sense of reality.
I was diagnosed in 1987 and I am still around, relaxed and enjoying life even though there is no cure for my type of cancer. I have mets in most of my bones but I am still able to work and to have fun. I am not supposed to run or jog but that is fine with me since I didn't like it anyway. Nobody has said anything about not dancing so I dance and dance and fully enjoy it because I always liked dancing. I dance with my husband, my kids, the cats, the dog or alone. I dance when I am cooking and sometimes when I am vacuuming the house. And I dance or at least sway with the music at the supermarkets and stores that have music and I enjoy it even though my dancing in public drives my sister crazy... he, he, he.
The thing is that nobody knows what the future will bring. So why worry now about something that may not happen for a long time? Ladies, give yourselves permission to enjoy life, enjoy all the little things that are around and we usually do not pay attention to like beautiful sunsets, etc. Get help like therapy if you think you need it. I am glad I went to therapy because it gave me back my life.
Try to stop worrying about things that have not happened yet. Live one day at a time and try to enjoy it. Don't allow little things to upset you. Laugh often, even if you havae to fake it at beginning. Humor and exercise are great for depression. Get help if you need it.
To all of you, a big hug,
Tere
You said it all so beautifully.
I was first diagnosed in 1986.
Two more times since then.
Turned 60 this summer and....eh...
not as young as I used to be, but that's ok because I am worrying less and enjoying it more.
Even the worrying that does sneak in now and then is no way as angst-ridden as it once was.
CSN has helped a lot with that. The message board people and chatters are the BEST anywhere in the world.
We all need to find what works for us. And something will work if we give all our best options a shot.
That is why life is still good.0 -
TereBTereB said:I've been there too. I did
I've been there too. I did the spiritual thing until I found something I was comfortable with and now that faith helps me stay calm, not worry about the little stuff.
Cancer is such a scary thing. After diagnosis and treatment, follow-ups that say you are doing well, no sign of cancer, we are still afraid it will come back. We think we may not have long to live, etc. What is the point in planning for anything in the future if we may not be here? All are very normal feelings. At one time I actually thought there was no point in buying anything, not even clothes since I might not be around to wear them. I also thought it would be nice to make things easier for my family... giving away my stuff so they wouldn't have to do it after I died. Now it sounds ridiculous and funny to me. Luckily for me, my therapist helped me get a better sense of reality.
I was diagnosed in 1987 and I am still around, relaxed and enjoying life even though there is no cure for my type of cancer. I have mets in most of my bones but I am still able to work and to have fun. I am not supposed to run or jog but that is fine with me since I didn't like it anyway. Nobody has said anything about not dancing so I dance and dance and fully enjoy it because I always liked dancing. I dance with my husband, my kids, the cats, the dog or alone. I dance when I am cooking and sometimes when I am vacuuming the house. And I dance or at least sway with the music at the supermarkets and stores that have music and I enjoy it even though my dancing in public drives my sister crazy... he, he, he.
The thing is that nobody knows what the future will bring. So why worry now about something that may not happen for a long time? Ladies, give yourselves permission to enjoy life, enjoy all the little things that are around and we usually do not pay attention to like beautiful sunsets, etc. Get help like therapy if you think you need it. I am glad I went to therapy because it gave me back my life.
Try to stop worrying about things that have not happened yet. Live one day at a time and try to enjoy it. Don't allow little things to upset you. Laugh often, even if you havae to fake it at beginning. Humor and exercise are great for depression. Get help if you need it.
To all of you, a big hug,
Tere
Slickwilly is saying HI and I agree with what your saying. Your letter just made me quite happy during a painful day. Weather changes really hurt me. 5 years ago I had cancer. I struggled like everyone else with the depression, anxiety and chemo brain. I went back to work for 2 years and my neck fell apart. 25 shots of radiation to the head proubly didn't help that situation. And I really wondered why God allowed me to live and then put me in pain all the time. But I have learned to live with pain and manage it the best I can. I never miss a chance to help a person with cancer living in my area. And the pain reminds me of what they are going through so maby there was a purpose after all. Its very hard as it reminds me of my own struggle. But its also a way to give back and its hard to beat the feeling of helping someone out. I didn't quit life, I adjusted it. I can't do 1/4 of the things I did before cancer. But an awesome day of camping or sailing makes up for lots of bad days. I can't plan events as I can't count on when a bad pain day will hit. So I keep my plans flexable and I make sure everyone understands that. And when no one is around I crank up some Doobie Brothers and sing as loud as I can. HOLY did I just age myself. For me a real bad day or attitude can be fixed by holding a baby or playing with a young child. It might sound funny coming from a man but I just love kids and when my home is empty its just not a home. So like TereB says "dance". And sing if you won't offend the neighbors ha ha. Have a great day tomorrow. Slickwilly0 -
being pushed awayslickwilly said:TereB
Slickwilly is saying HI and I agree with what your saying. Your letter just made me quite happy during a painful day. Weather changes really hurt me. 5 years ago I had cancer. I struggled like everyone else with the depression, anxiety and chemo brain. I went back to work for 2 years and my neck fell apart. 25 shots of radiation to the head proubly didn't help that situation. And I really wondered why God allowed me to live and then put me in pain all the time. But I have learned to live with pain and manage it the best I can. I never miss a chance to help a person with cancer living in my area. And the pain reminds me of what they are going through so maby there was a purpose after all. Its very hard as it reminds me of my own struggle. But its also a way to give back and its hard to beat the feeling of helping someone out. I didn't quit life, I adjusted it. I can't do 1/4 of the things I did before cancer. But an awesome day of camping or sailing makes up for lots of bad days. I can't plan events as I can't count on when a bad pain day will hit. So I keep my plans flexable and I make sure everyone understands that. And when no one is around I crank up some Doobie Brothers and sing as loud as I can. HOLY did I just age myself. For me a real bad day or attitude can be fixed by holding a baby or playing with a young child. It might sound funny coming from a man but I just love kids and when my home is empty its just not a home. So like TereB says "dance". And sing if you won't offend the neighbors ha ha. Have a great day tomorrow. Slickwilly
why do the ones with the cancer turn on the non cancer spouse? what can i do th deflect or redirect his anger at me & his changing into being a loner, like i don't exsit? what happens??0 -
being pushed awayislandwife said:being pushed away
why do the ones with the cancer turn on the non cancer spouse? what can i do th deflect or redirect his anger at me & his changing into being a loner, like i don't exsit? what happens??
Islandwife. There can be a million answers to that question. Everyone here will tell you no two people act the same when it comes to cancer. We each have our own breaking points. Without knowing how far your husband is into treatments, the type of cancer and the predicted outcome its hard to answer this. But I will give you some ideas to think about. I don't know of many cancers that don't have pain related to them. Constant pain causes frustration to build and it can come out in terrible ways. If your the nearest target then anything can set off a verbal assault. A man feeling like he is no longer contributing to the household and is only a drag on the family will sometimes isolate himself and give up. Some pain medications have real bad side effects. You need to ask yourself if he started a new medication before he changed his behavior. Three days into Neurontin I became a total idiot. My wife called my doctor and we changed medications. I think I would start by talking to his Oncologist about the changes going on. And I am sure he would have information on counseling if that is appropriate. But the bottom line is he should not be isolating himself or taking his anger out on anyone. I think each individual learns coping skills to deal with cancer, side effects and the long lasting emotional problems. It sounds like he needs some help to work on those skills. And I am so sorry you are being treated this way. Slickwilly0 -
Cancer is a difficultislandwife said:being pushed away
why do the ones with the cancer turn on the non cancer spouse? what can i do th deflect or redirect his anger at me & his changing into being a loner, like i don't exsit? what happens??
Cancer is a difficult disease to handle. Many feelings pop up such as anger, fear, depression, etc. I agree with what Slickwilly said. We are all different and we react in different ways. Many oncology depts. have social workers experienced in helping cancer patients on call. Check with the oncologist, maybe you can find some help there. I know it is a difficult situation for you.
God Bless,
Tere0 -
Izahalene said:Right on TereB!
You said it all so beautifully.
I was first diagnosed in 1986.
Two more times since then.
Turned 60 this summer and....eh...
not as young as I used to be, but that's ok because I am worrying less and enjoying it more.
Even the worrying that does sneak in now and then is no way as angst-ridden as it once was.
CSN has helped a lot with that. The message board people and chatters are the BEST anywhere in the world.
We all need to find what works for us. And something will work if we give all our best options a shot.
That is why life is still good.
I am so happy for you, Zahalene! You are right, we need to find what works for each one of us that allow us to enjoy life. Life is too short to spend it feeling bad. Sometimes we are limited in what we can do but we can always find something that will bring us joy. I dance even though I have problems with my pelvis. It doesn't matter how you do it, the important thing is to have fun and enjoy yourself.
Hugs,
Tere0 -
I'm "guilty"!islandwife said:being pushed away
why do the ones with the cancer turn on the non cancer spouse? what can i do th deflect or redirect his anger at me & his changing into being a loner, like i don't exsit? what happens??
island,
When I had cancer, I acted like I was the only one fighting this battle and suffering its consequences, and lashed out at anyone, especially my wife, for presuming to share in my "victimhood". I was angry, bitter, and manipulative, taking it out on my 'path of least resistance' who happened to be my wife, most of the time. Sure, now, I feel bad about it all, but my wife divorced me, and my parents and brother are all deceased. Well-meaning friends have attempted to "fix me up", but I always declined graciously with "I wouldn't wish me on anyone!"
Love and Courage!
Rick0 -
Understanding much better now........terato said:I'm "guilty"!
island,
When I had cancer, I acted like I was the only one fighting this battle and suffering its consequences, and lashed out at anyone, especially my wife, for presuming to share in my "victimhood". I was angry, bitter, and manipulative, taking it out on my 'path of least resistance' who happened to be my wife, most of the time. Sure, now, I feel bad about it all, but my wife divorced me, and my parents and brother are all deceased. Well-meaning friends have attempted to "fix me up", but I always declined graciously with "I wouldn't wish me on anyone!"
Love and Courage!
Rick
Hi, I am new to this site this, this is my second post since joining in feb 08. I normally just read. When reading your post am quite sad to say that I can relate, but comforted also that I'm not the only one. My husband who just turned 37yrs old was diagnoised with a Gliomas brain stem tumor that is inoperable, although it was found in 2001 and he went through radiation and was fine for 7yrs after they said he would live for only 2, We figured we beat the odds and he was going to be fine. Well in Feb of 06 we started planning our wedding for Oct 07, everything was going great we had just had our yearly visit at Duke Brain Tumor Center in July 07 and they said he was looking great and the MRI's were good. Then Aug 23 exactly 1 month from our doctor visit, things about my husband started to change, his speech, vision,hearing & walking etc... I immediately called the doctors and they ordered another MRI and thats when we learned that the tumor started to grow. My husband started chemo Sept 17,07 and his physical abilities became worse, we had our wedding party as well as us seated during our ceremony(it was the cutest thing)so no one would wonder why we were just seated. He wasn't ready for anyone to know including our son who is now 14y. My husband now has to walk with a walker, his vision and hearing is poor and he has developed blood clots in his legs and lungs although with all of this I am still thankful. I understand about being tired, too much of others depending on you to be strong. There are times I just want to scream and I literally leave out of my house and go in my car and SCREAM to the top of my lungs and just cry my heart out, then I wipe my tears put a little makeup on and go back in so that he can see me be strong for him and my son. Last week was the first time I sat down with my son and explained to him what was really wrong with his dad. It has been a big relief now that he knows,he was only told that his dad has seizures and thats what the meds are for, after telling him and he did online research he said he now understands why his dad is the way he is, oppose to being afraid he is now more aware of his dad habits, he's more attentive and very helpful and that has been a big help. He now assist with making sure his dad has is proper med in the medicine box, he is learning how to give his dad his injections although he does not like that part. As much as I love my family, I have come to terms that in order for me to help them I must help myself. I take one day out of the week just for me, I ask someone (family) in advance to sit with them while I have my day out (what's funny is that some people felt that I was being selfish for needing time for me)I also felt that at one point, but then realized that while he is going through it all physically and emotionally, I am emotionally drained and need time to regroup. I also make sure my son has his time, and then we do family time altogether. It's hard but we try to get out and enjoy life more than ever. This is a life changing situation that has no guide on how to cope, we know that some day it's our time to go, but when you have to live out and watch some go through pain of dying is emotionally hard and one just don't know what to do.I will admit that there were times I wish we never got married or the thought of leaving, but I made a vow to love him for better or worst and I intend to live by our vows so now instead of dreaming of growing old together we just dream for the next second in our lives.
Thank you for sharing......this is the first time that I have expressed my feelings to anyone.0 -
hopeful...hopeful36 said:Understanding much better now........
Hi, I am new to this site this, this is my second post since joining in feb 08. I normally just read. When reading your post am quite sad to say that I can relate, but comforted also that I'm not the only one. My husband who just turned 37yrs old was diagnoised with a Gliomas brain stem tumor that is inoperable, although it was found in 2001 and he went through radiation and was fine for 7yrs after they said he would live for only 2, We figured we beat the odds and he was going to be fine. Well in Feb of 06 we started planning our wedding for Oct 07, everything was going great we had just had our yearly visit at Duke Brain Tumor Center in July 07 and they said he was looking great and the MRI's were good. Then Aug 23 exactly 1 month from our doctor visit, things about my husband started to change, his speech, vision,hearing & walking etc... I immediately called the doctors and they ordered another MRI and thats when we learned that the tumor started to grow. My husband started chemo Sept 17,07 and his physical abilities became worse, we had our wedding party as well as us seated during our ceremony(it was the cutest thing)so no one would wonder why we were just seated. He wasn't ready for anyone to know including our son who is now 14y. My husband now has to walk with a walker, his vision and hearing is poor and he has developed blood clots in his legs and lungs although with all of this I am still thankful. I understand about being tired, too much of others depending on you to be strong. There are times I just want to scream and I literally leave out of my house and go in my car and SCREAM to the top of my lungs and just cry my heart out, then I wipe my tears put a little makeup on and go back in so that he can see me be strong for him and my son. Last week was the first time I sat down with my son and explained to him what was really wrong with his dad. It has been a big relief now that he knows,he was only told that his dad has seizures and thats what the meds are for, after telling him and he did online research he said he now understands why his dad is the way he is, oppose to being afraid he is now more aware of his dad habits, he's more attentive and very helpful and that has been a big help. He now assist with making sure his dad has is proper med in the medicine box, he is learning how to give his dad his injections although he does not like that part. As much as I love my family, I have come to terms that in order for me to help them I must help myself. I take one day out of the week just for me, I ask someone (family) in advance to sit with them while I have my day out (what's funny is that some people felt that I was being selfish for needing time for me)I also felt that at one point, but then realized that while he is going through it all physically and emotionally, I am emotionally drained and need time to regroup. I also make sure my son has his time, and then we do family time altogether. It's hard but we try to get out and enjoy life more than ever. This is a life changing situation that has no guide on how to cope, we know that some day it's our time to go, but when you have to live out and watch some go through pain of dying is emotionally hard and one just don't know what to do.I will admit that there were times I wish we never got married or the thought of leaving, but I made a vow to love him for better or worst and I intend to live by our vows so now instead of dreaming of growing old together we just dream for the next second in our lives.
Thank you for sharing......this is the first time that I have expressed my feelings to anyone.
You sound like a very strong, emotionally healthy person to me. I know you probably do not feel that way to yourself much of the time, but you are too close to the situation to be evaluating yourself right now. That is why it is important for you to do what feels right to you and not be swayed by those who think you are being selfish when you take some 'me time' (wait until they find themselves in a similar situation and see...).
I also think you and your husband were wise to let your son know exactly what is going on. Often our children imagine the worst when they do not have the facts. And even blame themselves for what they had no part in (which is really tragic). And allowing him to take part in the process is huge. There is nothing worse than feeling helpless and 'out of the loop' at any age.
I hope you will post regularly and let us know how things are going and just get things off your chest. You won't find a more understanding group anywhere.0
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