cannot stop thinking !

tan39 · June 2008

i am halfway through chemo, was lucky to catch my cancer at very early stage, no spread to lymph nodes and have had full mastectomy , chemo as an insurance really. why is my head so full of negatives, mainly, if it "comes back", why can't i be happy with my outcome, i'm luckier than alot of women, i get very frustrated with myself for all this neagative thinking, its such a waste of energy i dont have!! Is it always going to be like this, am i always going to be scared??

lfly · June 2008

Hello tan39,

Not really scared so much as more aware of your health. I have had metastatic BR CA and maybe in remission for 3rd time. I refuse to worry about it but i do take any aches and pains that last more than a month very seriously today. I didn't a few years back and crushed a vertebre. It slowed me for a while but anyone just meeting me doesn't even guess. Just take care of yourself and try not to worry. This chat room is very helpful.

Stay in touch with us here. Keep all Dr. appointments and follow ups.

Hugs, lorie

mgm42 · June 2008

Tan, like you I'm early stage with no lymph node involvement, went through chemo and am finishing radiation because I had a lumpectomy. And, like you, when I talk to people I find myself being very tentataive about a full recovery and living cancer free. I think we are so much more aware instances where women have their breast cancers return that we think in those terms. Even though statistics give us good, positive numbers, we tend to look on the negative side. I'm assuming that this is normal. But, I'm hoping that this kind of thinking will go away over time. When I get brave and think to myself that I will be cancer free for the rest of my life, I feel like I'm telling myself a BIG LIE. But I think its because I'm at that point where what I do is "hope," rather than "believe." When I start believing, that's when I think I think I'll stop thinking negatively. Wow. I'm getting philosophical. I sound like Tinker Bell in Peter Pan - you have to believe! LOL. Hang in there kiddo and so will I. Hugs, Marilynn

Unknown · June 2008

Hi tan.
I was 38 when first diagnosed. I will be 60 in a few days.
It does get better, it really does. I was so overwhelmed at the time. Scared of death, scared of life, scared for my kids...you name it, I was scared of it.
Today I am at peace with all of it. Life happens. And as we get older we learn that we are stronger than we ever thought we were and we WILL do what has to be done. And as our wisdom and perspective on life enlarges, so does our spirit.
God bless.

tan39 · June 2008

unknown said:
Hi tan.
I was 38 when first diagnosed. I will be 60 in a few days.
It does get better, it really does. I was so overwhelmed at the time. Scared of death, scared of life, scared for my kids...you name it, I was scared of it.
Today I am at peace with all of it. Life happens. And as we get older we learn that we are stronger than we ever thought we were and we WILL do what has to be done. And as our wisdom and perspective on life enlarges, so does our spirit.
God bless.

Ladies, you are all awesome!!, i cannot begin to tell you how much this chat room is helping me cope, thankyou with all my heart for your kind words and yes, i am having a "good day" today, feel like my old self, posotive , and i will be okay,thankyou so much. Tan x

Unknown · June 2008

Tan, I would like to bring up one point that may help. I was down when doing chemo and feel a lot more hopeful afterwards (and I had two nodes). But here is the point. When chemo is raging through our bodies we are suffering. It is a quick, though erroneous jump for our minds to feel like we are suffering from the cancer itself. Like all the things going wrong with us are cancer related. They are NOT. They are chemo related. When you get your body back under your control, I think your emotions will be stronger too. Just these last few days when I look in the mirror, my radiation burn is gone. And I feel like a healthier person, a healed person as a result. As though I healed from C, not just radiation. IT DOES GET BETTER. And you can take my word for it because I am a big baby! You will think every thought that needs to be thought and then go on to new ones. But right now, it is time to be a big baby till you are through with chemo. Love and hugs, Joyce

tan39 · June 2008

thanks Joyce , it makes sense really, ive lost myself during this chemo and when you feel unwell you are not going to be positive all the time, your words are very encouraging, take care and thankyou. Tan x

Unknown · June 2008

tan39 said:
thanks Joyce , it makes sense really, ive lost myself during this chemo and when you feel unwell you are not going to be positive all the time, your words are very encouraging, take care and thankyou. Tan x

Tan, I understand how you are feeling. I too had an early cancer-stage one with no node involvement. I also had 6 mos of chemo and radiation and a good prognosis, but yet I still worry. I was very emotional and fearful during chemo and even now that it has been 2 years since my diagnosis I still think about the cancer a lot and worry that it may come back. But as the others wrote, it does gradually get better as time passes. For myself, I don't think that I will ever be as mellow and relaxed as I was pre-cancer, but I will continue to work on having a more positive attitude. Don't put pressure on yourself--you will heal emotionally in your own time. Having cancer is a huge shock and treatment is not pleasant to go through. You need time to get to a place in which you can sort out your feelings. Hang in there, you are not alone. Eileen

RE · June 2008

Hello Tan
I am a three time breast cancer survivor who has dealt with cancer for the past 12 years. I understand your fears, trust me it will get better. My mother too had cancer and lived a long life after her first diagnosis. I view cancer as a type of chronic illness. I am far more aware of my bodies aches and pains and do not allow a new pain to go on too long without seeing a doctor. That does not mean that I have become totally worrisome, just far more intuned with my body. My last chemo was a year ago almost to the day. Once you get all treatment behind you things will improve greatly. Life goes on and for me it has gone on wonderfully. Remember to do the things you want to do and to enjoy every day, as you truly deserve to. I wish you well and will keep you in my prayers as you continue your treatments. It will be okay, it just takes a bit of time.

ohilly · June 2008

I am pretty much in the same situation as you: I also had a full mastectomy, with no node involvement and a very small tumor (1.1. cm). I was doing okay until I found out I was BRCA positive, but I am planning to have the second (preventive) mastectomy in Sept. and I already had my ovaries removed due to a previous hysterectomy for fibroids. With these preventive surgeries, my risk of getting cancer in the other breast is lower than that of a normal woman's. However, I, too, cannot stop worrying! I personally feel that the only thing that will cut down on (never stop) my worrying is more tests: although my doctors tell me MRIs are not done when a person has a bilateral mastectomy, I still want an annual MRI and am pushing for one. I feel like I can't live without being constantly checked. Sorry I can't be more encouraging, but my cancer was a huge shock to me and so was the BRCA gene. Best of luck, Ohilly

0927 · June 2008

I've been there. I couldn't stop thinking gloom and doom. I cried alot. I think once the treatments are over it gets a lot better. It is such a constant reminder when you have to go to doctors and treatments all the time. I had a masectomy too and chemo and radiation. Give yourself a little time to greive and get thru all this and things WILL get better. You will be scared for a while but as time passess it gets better. Just keep telling yourself you are going to be great.

cannot stop thinking !

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