help

leedeb
leedeb Member Posts: 3
edited March 2014 in Caregivers #1
have a partner of 26 years survive cancer then he left me has this happen to many

Comments

  • soccerfreaks
    soccerfreaks Member Posts: 2,788 Member
    #2
    From my conversations with people on this site and elsewhere, it is more common for the caregiver to bolt than for the survivor to do so, but if you read the previous post to yours and its responses, you will read where I described being told you have cancer as a 'midlife crisis' of its own.

    Maybe that is what happened.

    To be honest, it is just as likely that other problems were already there and that cancer is taking the blame.

    Regardless, it is a sorry state of affairs, especially assuming you provided the arduous care for your significant other before he departed.

    I feel for you. Be thankful that you now have freedom and a new life; that is, as hard as it might be, dismiss the pain and regret and whatever, and concentrate on the good life to come for you.

    Take care.
  • Unknown
    Unknown
    #3
    Hi lee,
    My hubby left after 26 years. I am the cancer survivor, but was in good shape when he left...the crisis was past and things seemed to be back to 'normal'. Unfortunately, as soccerfreaks mentioned, our 'normal' wasn't all that good. I can't say for sure how much cancer had to do with the final outcome of our marriage, but (once again re soccerfreaks opinion), there was a really good life out there waiting for me and I am in the midst of it now and thankful for a blessing in disguise.
    Takes some time and work to see things in a new light but you can do it. God bless.
  • leedeb
    leedeb Member Posts: 3
    #4
    soccerfreaks said:

    From my conversations with people on this site and elsewhere, it is more common for the caregiver to bolt than for the survivor to do so, but if you read the previous post to yours and its responses, you will read where I described being told you have cancer as a 'midlife crisis' of its own.

    Maybe that is what happened.

    To be honest, it is just as likely that other problems were already there and that cancer is taking the blame.

    Regardless, it is a sorry state of affairs, especially assuming you provided the arduous care for your significant other before he departed.

    I feel for you. Be thankful that you now have freedom and a new life; that is, as hard as it might be, dismiss the pain and regret and whatever, and concentrate on the good life to come for you.

    Take care.

    So is it so wrong to care about him so much an to think it is cemo an the drugs that made him run. do i try to talk with him or just let it be an live with a broken empty heart. i know i can go on . but i still worrie so much about him being alone to help me . not as easy as ya all say to just stop an move on when i still care an worrie.
  • soccerfreaks
    soccerfreaks Member Posts: 2,788 Member
    #5
    leedeb said:

    So is it so wrong to care about him so much an to think it is cemo an the drugs that made him run. do i try to talk with him or just let it be an live with a broken empty heart. i know i can go on . but i still worrie so much about him being alone to help me . not as easy as ya all say to just stop an move on when i still care an worrie.

    I do not think that anyone would suggest that you simply give up on a relationship! If you look back to your original question, it did not address that subject at all, but rather asked if this were something that others experienced.

    I also asked that you look at a previous post to see a possible way that cancer might be complicit in the behavior of your loved one, and it seems you have not done that.

    In any event, there is some disagreement about the impact of chemotherapy on things like depression and other behavior, but certainly there are quite a few folks who believe that it helps, along with cancer itself, to bring at least some survivors to depression. As for "drugs" you never specified what drugs might be involved and I wouldn't be qualified to respond in that regard anyway.

    I do hope that you can resolve your issues with this person. As I have said often to others, it would be a shame if cancer made a 'victim' of a relationship in addition to all of the other horrible things it can do.

    Take care.
  • Unknown
    Unknown
    #6
    leedeb said:

    So is it so wrong to care about him so much an to think it is cemo an the drugs that made him run. do i try to talk with him or just let it be an live with a broken empty heart. i know i can go on . but i still worrie so much about him being alone to help me . not as easy as ya all say to just stop an move on when i still care an worrie.

    You bet your heartstrings it isn't easy! Didn't I mention it takes work? But, as you say, you WILL have to go on, so why not go in as good shape as possible?
    Maybe the work will involve keeping in touch with him until you feel you have some kind of 'closure' (not one of my favorite words, but at the moment I am a loss for a better one), or until you can work out some new kind of relationship with him....which may look more like a cautious friendship than anything else. OR the work may bring you to a place I suggested earlier where you grow to be fine on your own or with someone else.
    At any rate, time is going to pass so why not use it to best advantage rather than wasting it on worry, which does neither you or him any good.
    It's your decision.

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