counting

Unknown
Unknown
edited March 2014 in Breast Cancer #1
Does anyone else out there ever feel like running away? The more I hear about the need for positive thinking and avoiding stress the more I feel I need to go somewhere by myself. I almost feel like, as a woman, dealing with family problems is a martyr's job and the Beast will come and get me as a big prize for the support I give others. I certainly do not want to see my life this way - I am not into tragic endings. I have just gotten tangled up in too much positive attitude - no stress talk, as though if I don't have one, I am issuing recurrance an engraved invitation. Oh, my goodness...I shouldn't write this on Mothers Day! Maybe I should take this day to count my blessings instead. Probably a good remedy all around for dealing with stress and enhancing positive thinking. Thank you ladies, for listening, and for being among the blessings I count! love, Joyce

Comments

  • chenheart
    chenheart Member Posts: 5,159
    #2
    Are you kidding?? Me? Ever want to run away? Why, no~ I have never felt that way...I dare say you are the only one experiencing such a unique feeling. My face is in the dictionary defining the word Pollyanna! I am only surprised all of our faces aren't there!

    Oh , sorry, back to Reality! I must be delusional trying to keep an even keel, not let anyone know that now and again I am still afraid, that I HATE the weight gain from my meds, that I am here alone on Mother's Day because I don't have any biological children and everyone else is off doing Mom Things. Did I mention that Cancer was not a gift, and I never wanted to be a Survivor? Wait, let me rephrase that....I am thrilled and thankful that I am one, I just wish I hadn't found out I needed to be.

    So Joyce, whenever it is you want to run away, give me a call! We will plan the most amazing voyage to a far flung place where magically, our friends and family responsibilites will be magically suspended in our absence, and Cancer will be an unknown word in our vocabularies.


    And, after a suitable amount of time ( who knows how long that might be) we will return, more empowered and refreshed than we thought possible, and carry on until the next time we need to escape it all....

    Hugs,
    Claudia
  • ninjamom
    ninjamom Member Posts: 142
    #3
    Just yesterday I was sooo there...Had my first treatment Friday, and my relatives from the Bay Area (including mother, aunt and sister plus a few more) came to visit..don't get me wrong I enjoyed the visit but it got to apoint where all I was hearing was to be positive, be strong, avoid stress, how do you feel, are you tired,do this do that I wanted to get away, far far away. Have you ever seen the movie "My big fat greek weeding" .....that's my family big & loud but I do love them all because they are all there for me. But yesterday I did want to run away.

    May your Mother's Day be a good one for you. Lots of hugs
  • Unknown
    Unknown
    #4
    chenheart said:

    Are you kidding?? Me? Ever want to run away? Why, no~ I have never felt that way...I dare say you are the only one experiencing such a unique feeling. My face is in the dictionary defining the word Pollyanna! I am only surprised all of our faces aren't there!

    Oh , sorry, back to Reality! I must be delusional trying to keep an even keel, not let anyone know that now and again I am still afraid, that I HATE the weight gain from my meds, that I am here alone on Mother's Day because I don't have any biological children and everyone else is off doing Mom Things. Did I mention that Cancer was not a gift, and I never wanted to be a Survivor? Wait, let me rephrase that....I am thrilled and thankful that I am one, I just wish I hadn't found out I needed to be.

    So Joyce, whenever it is you want to run away, give me a call! We will plan the most amazing voyage to a far flung place where magically, our friends and family responsibilites will be magically suspended in our absence, and Cancer will be an unknown word in our vocabularies.


    And, after a suitable amount of time ( who knows how long that might be) we will return, more empowered and refreshed than we thought possible, and carry on until the next time we need to escape it all....

    Hugs,
    Claudia

    Thanks, Claudia. When I read your post and magic trip I was there for a few moments. Tears came to my eyes. Some stress left with them. Next time you are in Sacto, maybe Starbucks will feel like a magical cruise if we do it together. Whenever I sit out at a coffee joint overlooking street traffic, I remind myself that there is little difference between the sound of cars and the sound of waves. Just perspective, and you and I still have enough Pollyanna left to make the shift! love to you today, Joyce
  • Unknown
    Unknown
    #5
    ninjamom said:

    Just yesterday I was sooo there...Had my first treatment Friday, and my relatives from the Bay Area (including mother, aunt and sister plus a few more) came to visit..don't get me wrong I enjoyed the visit but it got to apoint where all I was hearing was to be positive, be strong, avoid stress, how do you feel, are you tired,do this do that I wanted to get away, far far away. Have you ever seen the movie "My big fat greek weeding" .....that's my family big & loud but I do love them all because they are all there for me. But yesterday I did want to run away.

    May your Mother's Day be a good one for you. Lots of hugs

    Wow, Ninja. A first chemo (radiation?) social engagement. Who would have known the strange places we would be. I am sure you were the perfect hostess and I hope that you felt lots of love. If you need to chat side effects, please write us. And since you got mom tacked on to ninja, have a wonderful mother's day, Mom, and an easy time of treatment, Ninja. Love, Joyce
  • ninjamom
    ninjamom Member Posts: 142
    #6
    unknown said:

    Wow, Ninja. A first chemo (radiation?) social engagement. Who would have known the strange places we would be. I am sure you were the perfect hostess and I hope that you felt lots of love. If you need to chat side effects, please write us. And since you got mom tacked on to ninja, have a wonderful mother's day, Mom, and an easy time of treatment, Ninja. Love, Joyce

    Thanks Joyce, yes...first chemo treatment (adrianmycin and cytoxan) 4rounds then herceptin and once I'm done with that radiation. I can say I was a good hostess and did feel the love. Side effects have also been good to me, mostly tired but I can function and very little nausea (my husband keeps me on track with the meds), I cut my hair down to 1 inch., so I think I'm ready...Let me know of any surprises I might have. Lots of love.
  • seof
    seof Member Posts: 819 Member
    #7
    Joyce,
    Absolutely I feel like running away. Our family started with BC when my Sister was diagnosed in 1999. She was a survivor till 2003. My brother in law had prostate cancer, still in remission. My Aunt, who is like a second Mom to me, is currently dying of ovarian cancer, a friend in church here has been struggling with recurrence of BC, most recently moved to the liver, for over a year. I was diagnosed in May 2007. I have had chemo, surgery, more chemo, now radiation, more surgery a year after that. I have a very supportive spouse who has some health issues of his own, and 2 wonderful daughters (11 and 14) who are pretty much typical of kids their age with the addition of the older one's bipolar disorder. Growing up I and my family were all unusually healthy and rarelly went to Drs. It seems that a week rarely goes by without a Dr. visit for one of us. We are blessed with good insurance through my husband's work, but I definitely do feel like running away. I escape by writing fiction. One day a plan to actually get some of my stories published, but in the mean time I can pretend to be in total control of my own perfect world when I write. I can play God and I decide where I want to be and who or what I want to be and I can create any world I want to live in.

    Try imagining yourself being strong and healthy in the most peaceful, healthy place you can imagine and go there as often as you can.

    And don't forget...its OK to find a real place to get away too, even if it's just for a few hours.

    Take care of yourself, and gripe with us any time. seof.
  • KathiM
    KathiM Member Posts: 8,028 Member
    #8
    Every once in a while you just have to scream!!! I 'run away' by booking a 'me day'. I don't take anyone I know with me, and make sure no one is going where I'm going. One of my favs is a spa in Palm Springs....a whole day of pampering!!! Wheeee!!!!

    Having someplace (like here) to blow off steam is good...no one here will think anything less of you....I would be worried if you DIDN'T have these moments!!! Welcome to 'normal'! You are being assulted by a stressful situation that you are forced to cope with, as well as the dark shadow of the possibility of risking your very life!!! I DARE anyone who has not had a life-threatening experience to be able to handle all of this with a constant smile.

    Hugs, Kathi
  • Unknown
    Unknown
    #9
    seof said:

    Joyce,
    Absolutely I feel like running away. Our family started with BC when my Sister was diagnosed in 1999. She was a survivor till 2003. My brother in law had prostate cancer, still in remission. My Aunt, who is like a second Mom to me, is currently dying of ovarian cancer, a friend in church here has been struggling with recurrence of BC, most recently moved to the liver, for over a year. I was diagnosed in May 2007. I have had chemo, surgery, more chemo, now radiation, more surgery a year after that. I have a very supportive spouse who has some health issues of his own, and 2 wonderful daughters (11 and 14) who are pretty much typical of kids their age with the addition of the older one's bipolar disorder. Growing up I and my family were all unusually healthy and rarelly went to Drs. It seems that a week rarely goes by without a Dr. visit for one of us. We are blessed with good insurance through my husband's work, but I definitely do feel like running away. I escape by writing fiction. One day a plan to actually get some of my stories published, but in the mean time I can pretend to be in total control of my own perfect world when I write. I can play God and I decide where I want to be and who or what I want to be and I can create any world I want to live in.

    Try imagining yourself being strong and healthy in the most peaceful, healthy place you can imagine and go there as often as you can.

    And don't forget...its OK to find a real place to get away too, even if it's just for a few hours.

    Take care of yourself, and gripe with us any time. seof.

    I am often amazed at the beautiful writing from the women on this site. I'll bet your fiction is fabulous, like your posts. I sure wish I could write a story and make everyone in your life instantly well. I am the only battler in my family and so have become selfish, thinking the world revolves around me. If I were to chose a peaceful healthy place to be I would go back to my childhood, which was healthy also. You must have had one of those evenings, when you are out running around the yard with your sister (I have two) till you don't notice how dark it has grown. Your mother calls you indoors, where she is finishing up the dinner dishes in the kitchen and you sisters stand before her, panting, with popsicle stains on your Sears t shirts and one last chance to giggle. Strong, healthy, and really dirty. Wild creature sisters, slowly transforming in the kitchen into the domesticated little girls who will bathe and go to bed.
    Thinking of that was indeed a lovely journey for me, thanks for the excellent suggestion. I will use it often. My best wishes..love, JOyce
  • Unknown
    Unknown
    #10
    KathiM said:

    Every once in a while you just have to scream!!! I 'run away' by booking a 'me day'. I don't take anyone I know with me, and make sure no one is going where I'm going. One of my favs is a spa in Palm Springs....a whole day of pampering!!! Wheeee!!!!

    Having someplace (like here) to blow off steam is good...no one here will think anything less of you....I would be worried if you DIDN'T have these moments!!! Welcome to 'normal'! You are being assulted by a stressful situation that you are forced to cope with, as well as the dark shadow of the possibility of risking your very life!!! I DARE anyone who has not had a life-threatening experience to be able to handle all of this with a constant smile.

    Hugs, Kathi

    Thanks for writing, Kathi. I think when I finish radiation (2 weeks) I will book a spa day. I will order (!) the spa to make me over. It will include a face wax to get rid of all the new hair growth that seems to have gotten lost on the way to my scalp, a pedicure with bright toenail polish where I don't have toenails, a long soak bath with lots of creams and perfumes forbidden by rads, and a hair color to hide what looks like a big dose of grey hair coming in (just don't cut a single 3/4 inch hair, please). I am enjoying it already!
    BTW, I sure don't have a constant smile, but I DO smile a lot more often with your great posts - Thanks! love, Joyce
  • kbc4869
    kbc4869 Member Posts: 159
    #11
    Hi Joyce,

    Oh Boy, did I ever. The first year after rads, I was gone on vacation for about a year. You couldn't get me out of here fast enough after being cooped up for months on end! Of course, that was pre-baby/hubby days. Initially, it worked. Once I even stayed at the beach in the middle of a hurricane because I couldn't stand the thought of being in my house for another minute with my thoughts (now, I don't recommend this!) After running for a year, and wondering why I still felt so unable to deal with my life at home, I realized that vacation was a state of mind. I couldn't run away from something I wasn't dealing with.

    Nowadays, with the baby, I can't up and leave, so I have to get myself into a state of mind sometimes just so I can deal with the day to day. After I put her to bed, I go out and water my plants. Sometimes I put on my DVD player and listen to Joanie Mitchell sing about Paris while I attempt to cook a souffle' that's really more like a pancake.

    I do believe that vacations give us a permission to put ourselves in rest and peace mode. But wouldn't you know it that girls like us are surrounded by all sorts of people who need us, and want us to fix things and make it all better. Maybe we must hone a talent for instant, emergency vacation in our heads just to get us through the day to day. With that in mind, let's give it a try. I send you this emergency vacation:

    I see you on a beach, but not the touristy kind. Some South Pacific island where only insanely, rich people can afford -- Turquoise-Blue, clear water; soft white powdery sand. You're in this fabulous red bikini and have an amazing healthy tan, since you've been there for two weeks now. You're drinking a margarita and steel drums are playing in the background. Your skin is luminous from the early-morning spa facial. And you're trying to get up the strength to get up and go in for your afternoon massage, but the sound of waves and the musical lilt of the island natives' laughter is humming in your ears and making you feel like a nap instead. You dip your toes in the sand and notice a handsome man glance your way as he walks by. Just as he's about to pass, he stops. He's cute in that shy kind of endearing way that multimillionaires are. And when he speaks, it isn't corny or obnoxious. He just says, "I don't want to bother you. I know you must hear this all the time, but you have the most beautiful blonde hair. I just had to tell you that."


    Did it work? No? But I bet your smiling! :)

    Love Ya, Joy!
  • mmontero38
    mmontero38 Member Posts: 1,510
    #12
    Dear Joyce:
    June 7th will be my 1 year anniversary and I still feel like running away. I so much feel that I need to be alone were no one will tell me what to do or how I should feel, that today I had a very big crying jag. I wasn't sure if because my year is approaching and I feel that I still have so much reconstruction left to do or because everyone is telling me I am moving too fast and should wait before I do anything else. And though I know they mean well, they don't have to look at themselves in the mirror. But thanks for letting me vent, and anytime you want to run away I'll be right along side you. Love you, Lili
  • Unknown
    Unknown
    #13
    kbc4869 said:

    Hi Joyce,

    Oh Boy, did I ever. The first year after rads, I was gone on vacation for about a year. You couldn't get me out of here fast enough after being cooped up for months on end! Of course, that was pre-baby/hubby days. Initially, it worked. Once I even stayed at the beach in the middle of a hurricane because I couldn't stand the thought of being in my house for another minute with my thoughts (now, I don't recommend this!) After running for a year, and wondering why I still felt so unable to deal with my life at home, I realized that vacation was a state of mind. I couldn't run away from something I wasn't dealing with.

    Nowadays, with the baby, I can't up and leave, so I have to get myself into a state of mind sometimes just so I can deal with the day to day. After I put her to bed, I go out and water my plants. Sometimes I put on my DVD player and listen to Joanie Mitchell sing about Paris while I attempt to cook a souffle' that's really more like a pancake.

    I do believe that vacations give us a permission to put ourselves in rest and peace mode. But wouldn't you know it that girls like us are surrounded by all sorts of people who need us, and want us to fix things and make it all better. Maybe we must hone a talent for instant, emergency vacation in our heads just to get us through the day to day. With that in mind, let's give it a try. I send you this emergency vacation:

    I see you on a beach, but not the touristy kind. Some South Pacific island where only insanely, rich people can afford -- Turquoise-Blue, clear water; soft white powdery sand. You're in this fabulous red bikini and have an amazing healthy tan, since you've been there for two weeks now. You're drinking a margarita and steel drums are playing in the background. Your skin is luminous from the early-morning spa facial. And you're trying to get up the strength to get up and go in for your afternoon massage, but the sound of waves and the musical lilt of the island natives' laughter is humming in your ears and making you feel like a nap instead. You dip your toes in the sand and notice a handsome man glance your way as he walks by. Just as he's about to pass, he stops. He's cute in that shy kind of endearing way that multimillionaires are. And when he speaks, it isn't corny or obnoxious. He just says, "I don't want to bother you. I know you must hear this all the time, but you have the most beautiful blonde hair. I just had to tell you that."


    Did it work? No? But I bet your smiling! :)

    Love Ya, Joy!

    It worked AND I am smiling. I even added a little part at the end when I accept his complement with a gracious nod and speak in a Jamaican accent (it's my fantasy so I can) "Many people have told me so, yes. But I have been waiting for just the right multimillionaire to offer myself too." And I hand him my wig. Whoops! I guess I will have to run this fantasy by a few more times till I get the last line right.
    Joanie Mitchell singing about Paris. Have you heard the Mary Chapin Carpenter one, "What if we went to Italy?"
    But what wisdom..I couldn't run away from something I wasn't dealing with. I will think on that a few more times too.
    But first I will go back to the beach. Its just more fun, for now. THank you for both thoughts! love back at you, Joyce
  • Unknown
    Unknown
    #14
    mmontero38 said:

    Dear Joyce:
    June 7th will be my 1 year anniversary and I still feel like running away. I so much feel that I need to be alone were no one will tell me what to do or how I should feel, that today I had a very big crying jag. I wasn't sure if because my year is approaching and I feel that I still have so much reconstruction left to do or because everyone is telling me I am moving too fast and should wait before I do anything else. And though I know they mean well, they don't have to look at themselves in the mirror. But thanks for letting me vent, and anytime you want to run away I'll be right along side you. Love you, Lili

    Wow, it is either some incredible coincidence or probably just normal for the course, but I had a big crying jag today too! You go girl! Let's belt out our tears like a Barbara Steisand song. I love it (sarcastic) when people tell me that crying won't solve anything. Of course I know that...why do you think I am crying? Wouldn't that be a wish for Santa, that our tears were our tickets. So, if crying doesn't solve anything, I had better get vacation tickets instead! And I would love to go with you. Thanks for writing, and I hope you are feeling better. Your friend in tears and smiles - love, Joyce
  • lfly
    lfly Member Posts: 50
    #15
    Hello Joyce,
    Absolutely have felt the need to run away many times over my 7 yr stint with this monster I have come to know so well...or not so well.
    I was told in early 2006 that with all those tears i was cleansing the windows to my soul. I cried oceans of tears at that time. That was when i learned of the first recurrence. I hadn't then knew of anyone who lived through the second round of CA and i was scared because i still had 3 children at home. Today i know many who survive recurrence and many to survive being terminal. There are alot who survive three and four recurrences.

    Finding that spot in my mind is what carried me through some of the worst times the last couple of years. It's just my 13 yr old daughter and I left at home. The husband couldn't deal with my CA and is currently drinking himself to death. I am on disability income so I don't have money to take a nice vacation.
    The spiritual support group is how I learned about staying positive and trusting, fully relying on God to take care of me and my daughter. They also taught me about the safe place in my heart and mind. I go there often. When i can, i go to where i can hear running water. A small creek by our apartment, the local park with a water garden with a small waterfall, nearby lakes, river. My oldest daughter,19, bought me a small table top water fountain for Christmas this last year. I can turn it on whenever i need to get away, but can't because of weather or money etc.,and go to my "happy place".
    Learning to be comfortable in my own skin was quite the process to achieve. My life today is no picnic with the disabilities, the body i'm left with, the marital problems, financial struggles, drs visits, ct scans, mri's and the ever ready possibility of dying before the youngest graduates high school and gets sent back to live with her drunken father. I must trust that God didn't bring us this far to drop us.
    Finding my own spot to be me has a little bit drifted over into my everyday life. Today i know that i'm a survivor and that my children are too because this is one of those diseases that affect the whole family. I live to help them through this thing.
    I need to vent at times too and that is what i've done here as i write this. The more i talk about it the better i feel. The days i want to yell or cry some more i get with one of my group members and let it go. I also had to learn not to pick it up again after i left.
    Things do get better i just had to learn patience. Godspeed is how a friend put it.
    Love and hugs.

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