good intentions, bad vibes

Unknown
Unknown
edited March 2014 in Breast Cancer #1
I am writing a post to vent, which probably means I need a hug. Today I went to a regional meeting for work. I looked cute in a dress up skirt and wig, of course, and little black hat and high heels. I felt great, got involved in work stuff. Then someone I don't know, but who must have heard about my BC came up to me and asked with so-sorry eyes "How are you feeling". "Great" I said, and meant it. "You look good" she replied, still sorrowfully. "I feel good" I said. Then she said, "That's right honey, keep a positive attitude..."
I walked away with fire coming out of my heart that quickly turned to tears. It's not an ATTITUDE! I do feel AND look good! I know she meant well, but I was suddenly jerked back to the lowest valley of the beast. Is everyone looking at me like I am just keeping up a brave front? I got a hold of myself, told myself I was overreacting, told myself this stranger meant well, and wiped tears and went back to the meeting. But I sure didn't feel great anymore.
Sigh.... love Joyce (who will feel great again tomorrow, for sure)

Comments

  • KathiM
    KathiM Member Posts: 8,028 Member
    #2
    Consider yourself hugged. Multiple times.

    Just like pregnancy, everyone has a different reaction to cancer. I'm certain this woman would be horrified that she hurt you...cancer, to those not affected, have only the horror stories shared!

    The important thing is where YOU are...I am far enough away (almost 2 years) that these comments no longer strike me at all...but, then, I would respond with something like "Isn't it wonderful that because of all of those breast cancer survivors that went before me, I truly AM feeling great!".

    Hugs, kathi
  • Unknown
    Unknown
    #3
    KathiM said:

    Consider yourself hugged. Multiple times.

    Just like pregnancy, everyone has a different reaction to cancer. I'm certain this woman would be horrified that she hurt you...cancer, to those not affected, have only the horror stories shared!

    The important thing is where YOU are...I am far enough away (almost 2 years) that these comments no longer strike me at all...but, then, I would respond with something like "Isn't it wonderful that because of all of those breast cancer survivors that went before me, I truly AM feeling great!".

    Hugs, kathi

    Thanks for the hugs. Would you believe, I came home and wrote my post and then stayed by the computer, kept refreshing the page, just waiting to get them. And they felt great. Yumm. Joyce
  • 3cbrca
    3cbrca Member Posts: 206
    #4
    Here's another hug.
    There are some people who "get it" and not just those of us that are survivors, but some of the most important people in my life these days have never cancer nor have they experienced in their families - they just get it!

    Then there are those that think they get it, like your side eyed idiot "new best friend". Boy I walk the other way when I see that deep, sincere look or the "two handed" hand shake... Don't "honey" me!

    I look and feel good 90-95% of the time and when those kind of people ask me how I do it - my honest response is how else would I handle it?

    Sorry you met her - isn't it amazing has fast it can take us down - but, we come up just as fast!
    Take care - you don't have to wait until tomorrow to feel good!
    S
  • Unknown
    Unknown
    #5
    3cbrca said:

    Here's another hug.
    There are some people who "get it" and not just those of us that are survivors, but some of the most important people in my life these days have never cancer nor have they experienced in their families - they just get it!

    Then there are those that think they get it, like your side eyed idiot "new best friend". Boy I walk the other way when I see that deep, sincere look or the "two handed" hand shake... Don't "honey" me!

    I look and feel good 90-95% of the time and when those kind of people ask me how I do it - my honest response is how else would I handle it?

    Sorry you met her - isn't it amazing has fast it can take us down - but, we come up just as fast!
    Take care - you don't have to wait until tomorrow to feel good!
    S

    You are right, I feel better already. Thanks for the hug. Here is a story my daughter shared. She just got engaged to a wonderful guy who has been in a wheel chair since spina bifida at birth. When his mother told a friend about the engagement, her friend asked "How nice for your son. Tell me, what is wrong with HER?" My daughter and I agreed, people, as you say, can bring you down. But sharing stories with you, with my daughter, and her with me, can bring you up faster. And higher. Like maybe we are standing on each others' shoulders. Thanks a million for yours. love, Joyce
  • chenheart
    chenheart Member Posts: 5,159
    #6
    Don't you just hate it when you forget to take the "Scarlet C" off of your coat and that's all anyone notices?? Oh wait~ you didn't forget to take it off, someone stuck one to your back when you weren't looking! Damn those practical jokers, anyway!

    You have indeed been hugged by the Sisterhood of the Traveling Mammograms!

    I do think you gave your subject line the perfect title, btw. The intention was probably good, the effect wasn't. "They" just don't know what to say to us, do they?

    I'm glad you came in to vent, and that you knew we would make you feel instantly loved and validated. Just as you continue to do for us.

    Hugs again,
    Claudia
  • Unknown
    Unknown
    #7
    Joyce, I am sorry that you were having such a nice day and someone was able to ruin it. You are right, good intentions, bad vibes. They just don't realize---all they know is that cancer is their worst fear and we have had it so therefore that makes us a poor victim to be pitied. We know better. Sure it has been a very rough experience, but we are still us and have a lot of living to do! Hope you are feeling happy and good again!
  • Unknown
    Unknown
    #8
    chenheart said:

    Don't you just hate it when you forget to take the "Scarlet C" off of your coat and that's all anyone notices?? Oh wait~ you didn't forget to take it off, someone stuck one to your back when you weren't looking! Damn those practical jokers, anyway!

    You have indeed been hugged by the Sisterhood of the Traveling Mammograms!

    I do think you gave your subject line the perfect title, btw. The intention was probably good, the effect wasn't. "They" just don't know what to say to us, do they?

    I'm glad you came in to vent, and that you knew we would make you feel instantly loved and validated. Just as you continue to do for us.

    Hugs again,
    Claudia

    Love the portrayal of the scarlet "C". And the idea of having it slapped on your back. It puts it in the right perspective, like an annoyance but not a major assault. And reading your post makes me feel good all over again. I am planning on burning my wig when I am through with it (I know, I know, I should donate it and I do have some I will donate, but the one I wear everyday is to hateful to pass on) but I am going to need some fodder to help it catch flame. I will throw in some scarlet C's. Now when someone slaps one on me I can say, thanks! I need that for my upcoming freedom burning. Wow, I have tried to stay upbeat but I think I should try to stay sane too! But I love the crazy moments more than the sadness or anger, so they can stay for a while. Thanks for understanding. love, Joyce
  • Unknown
    Unknown
    #9
    unknown said:

    Joyce, I am sorry that you were having such a nice day and someone was able to ruin it. You are right, good intentions, bad vibes. They just don't realize---all they know is that cancer is their worst fear and we have had it so therefore that makes us a poor victim to be pitied. We know better. Sure it has been a very rough experience, but we are still us and have a lot of living to do! Hope you are feeling happy and good again!

    I have a "friend" who likes to keep me updated on all the people she knows who have died, are dying, and are sure to die. Sometimes I feel like a sparrow before her cat claws. I make it a point not to know her much so I can stay off her list! And since every negative needs a positive to balance, I also have lots of understanding, supportive friends. One of them from work, chosing her words carefully so as to say just what she meant told me, "I don't want you ever to feel lonely...I thought you might sometimes...but you are no less you and no less one of us". I was so happy that she risked saying just what I needed to hear and thought about me long enough to understand. And of course, I have you and the great friends here! Whoops, that is more positives than negatives. Oh, well, I can live with that! love you, Joyce
  • kbc4869
    kbc4869 Member Posts: 159
    #10
    Aggghhhh! You were attacked by one of the Condescneding Pity Monsters!!! If this were yoga, they would probably call the stance the Head-Tilted-To-The-Side, Downward-Facing-Smile "How are YOU doing?" position.

    She's in black and white, and you're in Gold, Joyce! (Only she thinks it's the other way around.) Screw her!

    BIG Hugs,

    Kim
  • ninjamom
    ninjamom Member Posts: 142
    #11
    Sending you a big hug. I don't even know what to say that has not been said already but I wanted you to know that reading your message made want to hug you.
  • Unknown
    Unknown
    #12
    ninjamom said:

    Sending you a big hug. I don't even know what to say that has not been said already but I wanted you to know that reading your message made want to hug you.

    You don't need to say anything...you wrote and you care. And that is just what I needed to hear and why I wrote. Thanks for the hug. love, Joyce
  • Unknown
    Unknown
    #13
    kbc4869 said:

    Aggghhhh! You were attacked by one of the Condescneding Pity Monsters!!! If this were yoga, they would probably call the stance the Head-Tilted-To-The-Side, Downward-Facing-Smile "How are YOU doing?" position.

    She's in black and white, and you're in Gold, Joyce! (Only she thinks it's the other way around.) Screw her!

    BIG Hugs,

    Kim

    Kim, you write such funny emails that I have to control myself not to make up problems just to read your responses! Luckily(?), I seem to have enough real problems lately to benefit from lots of your humor. You will see I shared one of your funnies in response to the radiation post by ninjamom. thanks for the laughs, your fan, Joyce
  • mmontero38
    mmontero38 Member Posts: 1,510
    #14
    Sending you lots of hugs. I won't add anything more because I agree with all the other postings. Love, Lili
  • Skybuf
    Skybuf Member Posts: 143
    #15
    Big ole Hug from Ontario Canada eh! 0//
    Seems everyone I meet says the same thing....how are you your looking So good these days.....duh and why wouldn't I!
    In the grocery store I meet the people in this small town with their small mentallity. I usually say back to them, and Your looking good too since we last talked.....'silence' LOL
    Live love and laugh a lot.......:)
  • Unknown
    Unknown
    #16
    mmontero38 said:

    Sending you lots of hugs. I won't add anything more because I agree with all the other postings. Love, Lili

    Thanks for the more hugs. I am so wealthy in hugs now! I will have to give some away, first chance I get. In the meantime, I feel great... love back at you, Joyce
  • Unknown
    Unknown
    #17
    Skybuf said:

    Big ole Hug from Ontario Canada eh! 0//
    Seems everyone I meet says the same thing....how are you your looking So good these days.....duh and why wouldn't I!
    In the grocery store I meet the people in this small town with their small mentallity. I usually say back to them, and Your looking good too since we last talked.....'silence' LOL
    Live love and laugh a lot.......:)

    I am living, loving and laughing thanks to all of you. I like your response. What is it...a gentle rebuke turns away anger. I always thought that meant turns away anger in the one recieving the rebuke. But when we are able to stand up for ourselves and make the rebuke, but wise enough to do it gently, I think the anger that is turned away may be our own! Wow. thanks for writing, love Joyce
  • CatheS
    CatheS Member Posts: 21
    #18
    unknown said:

    I am living, loving and laughing thanks to all of you. I like your response. What is it...a gentle rebuke turns away anger. I always thought that meant turns away anger in the one recieving the rebuke. But when we are able to stand up for ourselves and make the rebuke, but wise enough to do it gently, I think the anger that is turned away may be our own! Wow. thanks for writing, love Joyce

    I am not sure which is worse: those who run away from you thinking you are contagious and they are next to "get it" OR those in yr face every other moment, telling you that u r in their prayers, but who knows why because you certainly don't LOOK sick! I just look right at em both and smile and say thank you (thinking all the while to myself - I am sure glad I am NOT you!) Make sure the next time you see them to hand that person a pink ribbon they can wear ever so proudly!! Hugs, Cathe

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