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survivor51
survivor51 Member Posts: 276
edited March 2014 in Breast Cancer #1
I found out I was on the wrong chat room and it meets on Tuesdays. Someone told me about this part and I thought I'd give it a try. I have a bilateral March 17 of 2007. It was in both sides and I finished chemo. Hair is back in and quite curly. I've had to have 2 reconstructions because the first one ended up on my shoulder one morning when I woke. I told my husband I guess I won't need sholder pads today. The second one went better but now the other one has dropped and they wanted to redo the surgery in Dec. I refused and will wait until June. Being put out 4 times within 7 months and the shorest is 5 hours is more than my old body can stand. I find that I am getting depressed and I guess on my pity pot right now. I had been a tower of strength but now feel like .... I keep getting well maybe it has gone to the liver, they do a biopsy and no but really damaged. You counts for the kidney are dangersouly low, maybe.... you have leaking valves in you heart. It is like how much more. I find that I am mad for the first time and yet feel guilty for being alive. I assisted both my parents with cancer and want to survive but why me and not my wonder mom? Why me the youngest of 7 and yet I have other siblings that drink, drugs, etc. Then why not me, I'm not any better than my sister/brother. Just in a dump right now. Angela

Comments

  • manna1qd
    manna1qd Member Posts: 46
    #2
    All these feelings you have are intense and I certainly can relate to them. Having cancer is complicated. I am seven years past my mastectomy, reconstruction, chemo. I still have feelings I haven't come clean with but this site has been invaluable. Initially, I called Y-me to talk, started on some medication, got into a community of worship that was positive and supportive. I needed people around me - I still do - who have been there and understand or at least can help me work on those feelings. Some people tend to blame others, some blame themselves and I guess we all may be a bit of both when emotions are high. Why shouldn't you survive? I don't know why my father and father in law died a few years before I got cancer or why my sister in law died at 31 with small kids (breast cancer). I sort of just got a handle on my survivor guilt. You are ahead of the game. Sounds like your mom was a "saint" and there is substance abuse in your family. Mine too and it can be comical how that type of family system deals with stuff. I am the only one who has pursued counselling etc. and I am here to tell you every minute was worth it. I deserve to live happily and healthy as much as the next person. I have become my own best friend. Good luck. Email me if you want to...
  • jackiemanz
    jackiemanz Member Posts: 85
    #3
    Hey Angela,

    I too had a Bilateral March 20, 2007 with reconstruction and I also had some complications afterwards.The why me I think is normal cause I did the same thing. I am the youngest of 4. My brother and sisters both drink and both did drugs growing up. Well I drink and still do but I never did drugs. My Gyno has me on Lexapro to help with my depression and it has helped me alot and coming to this message board and reading other peoples comment has help me understand what I am going through. So come here often it will help you too.

    Hugs
    Jackie
  • chenheart
    chenheart Member Posts: 5,159
    #4
    Hi Survivor! I met you in chat yesterday, and I just want to assure you that you were NOT in the wrong chat room! The room you were in is open all day every day, for all of us! The cancer type doesn't matter! I have been going in there since 2003! I have met men, women, kids, caregivers, spouses...all of us battling the beast together.

    The Tuesday chat I mentioned is a relavtively new gathering. It is on Tuesdays, at 6PM PST in chatroom 2. It is just that there are so many with BC, that a room for us once a week seemed a good thing to do. But the rest of the week, we have "generic" chat and the Discussion Boards. We all pop in and out of them all the tinme. As you know, CSN stands for Cancer Survivors Network, so you can't be in the wrong room~ there isn't one! We gather and learn and empathize with one another no matter what the cancer may be! Feel free to join us anytime.

    That having been said; your fears, concerns, the whole "why me" and "why not me" are part and parcel of the entire rollercoaster ride called Cancer. There is truly no rhyme or reason.

    And being Queen of the Pity Party? Heaven knows I have worn that tiara more times than you can imagine! We all have, and we share it as the need arises. Again, you are not alone in your feelings.

    You have found a great resourse here with us! We are insightful, intelligent, honest, and more than that, we truly understand the emotions involved with cancer. We are glad you found us, and sorry you needed to...
    Hugs,
    Claudia
  • KathiM
    KathiM Member Posts: 8,028 Member
    #5
    Welcome to the group! Altho, I'm sorry to have to meet like this!

    The age-old question: 'Why Me?'
    The age-old answer: 'Because'.

    I know, sounds heartless, huh? It's really not...just a way to get past the grief and go on with life. I FINALLY watched the 'Lord of the Rings' trilogy (whew! All told, with extended versions, it was 7 HOURS of screen time) and I will paraphrase what Gandolf said to Ferdo the Hobbit: 'We cannot choose the things that happen to us in our lives, only what we do with those that are given to us'.

    That said....sure, we all have days when we throw things, and get angry....I just returned from Europe, where they are strongly defending the right to smoke cigarettes...Every time, I felt like going up to these people and saying "You DO realize that by exercising YOUR rights to smoke, you are infringing upon MY rights to breath clean air!!!!". Probably, if I knew how to say this in Dutch, I would have...lol....

    Good that you are mad....look at my reply to 3BRCA about long term effects....she and I share cancers....colorectal followed by breast...this thing is NASTY...

    But, I will say what I said there again: Cancer took 1.5 years of my life, it will get NO MORE. If it returns, well, I will think about it then. I live each day as a gift, and make sure that I don't leave things undone or unsaid...because, if nothing else, cancer taught me that today just might be the last day of my life...

    And, now I remove myself from my pedestal, and say "Don't take me too seriously....I'm in a funk right now, myself".....rofl!

    Hugs, Kathi
  • KathiM
    KathiM Member Posts: 8,028 Member
    #6
    KathiM said:

    Welcome to the group! Altho, I'm sorry to have to meet like this!

    The age-old question: 'Why Me?'
    The age-old answer: 'Because'.

    I know, sounds heartless, huh? It's really not...just a way to get past the grief and go on with life. I FINALLY watched the 'Lord of the Rings' trilogy (whew! All told, with extended versions, it was 7 HOURS of screen time) and I will paraphrase what Gandolf said to Ferdo the Hobbit: 'We cannot choose the things that happen to us in our lives, only what we do with those that are given to us'.

    That said....sure, we all have days when we throw things, and get angry....I just returned from Europe, where they are strongly defending the right to smoke cigarettes...Every time, I felt like going up to these people and saying "You DO realize that by exercising YOUR rights to smoke, you are infringing upon MY rights to breath clean air!!!!". Probably, if I knew how to say this in Dutch, I would have...lol....

    Good that you are mad....look at my reply to 3BRCA about long term effects....she and I share cancers....colorectal followed by breast...this thing is NASTY...

    But, I will say what I said there again: Cancer took 1.5 years of my life, it will get NO MORE. If it returns, well, I will think about it then. I live each day as a gift, and make sure that I don't leave things undone or unsaid...because, if nothing else, cancer taught me that today just might be the last day of my life...

    And, now I remove myself from my pedestal, and say "Don't take me too seriously....I'm in a funk right now, myself".....rofl!

    Hugs, Kathi

    Editorial Note: the hobbit's name was Frodo...not Ferdo...sigh...you would think, wouldn't you, that after hearing this for the 7 hours, I would get it right....huh????

    Hugs, Kathi
  • survivor51
    survivor51 Member Posts: 276
    #7
    manna1qd said:

    All these feelings you have are intense and I certainly can relate to them. Having cancer is complicated. I am seven years past my mastectomy, reconstruction, chemo. I still have feelings I haven't come clean with but this site has been invaluable. Initially, I called Y-me to talk, started on some medication, got into a community of worship that was positive and supportive. I needed people around me - I still do - who have been there and understand or at least can help me work on those feelings. Some people tend to blame others, some blame themselves and I guess we all may be a bit of both when emotions are high. Why shouldn't you survive? I don't know why my father and father in law died a few years before I got cancer or why my sister in law died at 31 with small kids (breast cancer). I sort of just got a handle on my survivor guilt. You are ahead of the game. Sounds like your mom was a "saint" and there is substance abuse in your family. Mine too and it can be comical how that type of family system deals with stuff. I am the only one who has pursued counselling etc. and I am here to tell you every minute was worth it. I deserve to live happily and healthy as much as the next person. I have become my own best friend. Good luck. Email me if you want to...

    Not sure how to email you but I appreciate all the support. I am hoping to get my act together this weekend and get on a schedule. I've recently know several people that died of cancer, 2 weeks ago BC had moved to the brain. Left 2 children (5 and 7). It just doesn't make sense. I guess you can't make any sense of this beast. I have no idea how to take my life back but will continue this path if I can. Sometimes it seems easier not to have done anything and ..... oh well, since I chose survival, I'll have to stick with it. Angela
  • survivor51
    survivor51 Member Posts: 276
    #8
    jackiemanz said:

    Hey Angela,

    I too had a Bilateral March 20, 2007 with reconstruction and I also had some complications afterwards.The why me I think is normal cause I did the same thing. I am the youngest of 4. My brother and sisters both drink and both did drugs growing up. Well I drink and still do but I never did drugs. My Gyno has me on Lexapro to help with my depression and it has helped me alot and coming to this message board and reading other peoples comment has help me understand what I am going through. So come here often it will help you too.

    Hugs
    Jackie

    What were your complications with the reconstruction? I'm taking something for hot flashes but was made for depression. Sometimes I think it is easier to just a big glass of wine.
  • survivor51
    survivor51 Member Posts: 276
    #9
    chenheart said:

    Hi Survivor! I met you in chat yesterday, and I just want to assure you that you were NOT in the wrong chat room! The room you were in is open all day every day, for all of us! The cancer type doesn't matter! I have been going in there since 2003! I have met men, women, kids, caregivers, spouses...all of us battling the beast together.

    The Tuesday chat I mentioned is a relavtively new gathering. It is on Tuesdays, at 6PM PST in chatroom 2. It is just that there are so many with BC, that a room for us once a week seemed a good thing to do. But the rest of the week, we have "generic" chat and the Discussion Boards. We all pop in and out of them all the tinme. As you know, CSN stands for Cancer Survivors Network, so you can't be in the wrong room~ there isn't one! We gather and learn and empathize with one another no matter what the cancer may be! Feel free to join us anytime.

    That having been said; your fears, concerns, the whole "why me" and "why not me" are part and parcel of the entire rollercoaster ride called Cancer. There is truly no rhyme or reason.

    And being Queen of the Pity Party? Heaven knows I have worn that tiara more times than you can imagine! We all have, and we share it as the need arises. Again, you are not alone in your feelings.

    You have found a great resourse here with us! We are insightful, intelligent, honest, and more than that, we truly understand the emotions involved with cancer. We are glad you found us, and sorry you needed to...
    Hugs,
    Claudia

    Hey Claudia,
    I do remember you and appreciate the info. When I got on this message board, I say the chat up in the right hand corner so I figure that was where I was suppose to click. It is rather confusing to someone that has never chatted online. I will connect on Tuesdays. I found the "other" chat room to just be a chatroom and not cancer. It did seem people that knew each other. I'll try to figure all this out. I know that life right now is really hard for me and I hate this. I'm 51 and feel I have to relearn my own body, rework with my huband of 30 years, and etc. I guess just pissed right now and can't seem to get past my pity pot. Not been in the best mood and just trying to make it day to day. Angela
  • survivor51
    survivor51 Member Posts: 276
    #10
    KathiM said:

    Welcome to the group! Altho, I'm sorry to have to meet like this!

    The age-old question: 'Why Me?'
    The age-old answer: 'Because'.

    I know, sounds heartless, huh? It's really not...just a way to get past the grief and go on with life. I FINALLY watched the 'Lord of the Rings' trilogy (whew! All told, with extended versions, it was 7 HOURS of screen time) and I will paraphrase what Gandolf said to Ferdo the Hobbit: 'We cannot choose the things that happen to us in our lives, only what we do with those that are given to us'.

    That said....sure, we all have days when we throw things, and get angry....I just returned from Europe, where they are strongly defending the right to smoke cigarettes...Every time, I felt like going up to these people and saying "You DO realize that by exercising YOUR rights to smoke, you are infringing upon MY rights to breath clean air!!!!". Probably, if I knew how to say this in Dutch, I would have...lol....

    Good that you are mad....look at my reply to 3BRCA about long term effects....she and I share cancers....colorectal followed by breast...this thing is NASTY...

    But, I will say what I said there again: Cancer took 1.5 years of my life, it will get NO MORE. If it returns, well, I will think about it then. I live each day as a gift, and make sure that I don't leave things undone or unsaid...because, if nothing else, cancer taught me that today just might be the last day of my life...

    And, now I remove myself from my pedestal, and say "Don't take me too seriously....I'm in a funk right now, myself".....rofl!

    Hugs, Kathi

    Kathi,
    Thanks for replying. My boys loved that movie but I didn't see it all. I guess I just wonder when/how the shoe on the other foot is going to fall. I did well with the chemo because I knew a beginning and end but with nothing to be to measure, it is hard to cope. I think the biggest thing is trying to get on a schedule of drinking my water, taking my meds/herbs going to the acupunturist regularly, meditating. Just plain ticked right now. Thanks, ANgela
  • mmontero38
    mmontero38 Member Posts: 1,510
    #11
    Hi Angela: Welcome to the club. I guess we all go through the why me, but it will pass. Join us in chat room 1 just to chat. There are lots of cancer survivors and caregivers and we all try to boost each other up. Believe me when I say that there are others out there much worse than us. Tuesday nights in chat room 2 is the breast cancer chat. That would be at 6:00 PST and 9:00 est. I have had a mastectomy on 6/7/07 and am going for my tram flap reconstruction on Feb.4th (fast approaching). You can post anything on this site and we will try to help out. Once again welcome and join us in chat. Lili
  • 3cbrca
    3cbrca Member Posts: 206
    #12
    Welcome Angela

    You saw my other posting - Today I'm in a much better place and you will be too. I've had great support from friends but sometimes I feel like I'm leaning too heavily on them and This site has allowed me to express thoughts and feelings that non-survivors may not understand. I also get so much from others postings as well as information.

    When I was working as a consultant we had a particularly difficult client - I told my boss she couldn't send me to the client site everyday because I only get some many days of good personality per week and if I go there everyday I run out by Weds or Thurs. I think its the same with this stuff. Now it seems like chemo/surg/rt were the easy part - you know when they're going to end. But there are some days in the "survival" stage where it just gets tough. I made that last post after one of my doctors (too many to count) called to give me the bad news about the thyroid. Today that's good news - I'm on medication have an answer and moving forward.

    I have 6 surviving siblings (1 died of cancer at 45 and 1 had colon cancer at 42) but the rest of them can start sharing some of the joy - I've always taken better care of myself than they do. I was complaining to one of my older brothers - he told me he'd "get the next round". Another one thanked me for taking it for the team. I figured out that all this cancer etc is payback for being smarter, better looking and more fun than they are!
    Seriously,I really don't wonder why me or why not me because that's a question for which I believe there is no answer.

    I'm glad you found the site.

    Sheilah
  • 3cbrca
    3cbrca Member Posts: 206
    #13
    3cbrca said:

    Welcome Angela

    You saw my other posting - Today I'm in a much better place and you will be too. I've had great support from friends but sometimes I feel like I'm leaning too heavily on them and This site has allowed me to express thoughts and feelings that non-survivors may not understand. I also get so much from others postings as well as information.

    When I was working as a consultant we had a particularly difficult client - I told my boss she couldn't send me to the client site everyday because I only get some many days of good personality per week and if I go there everyday I run out by Weds or Thurs. I think its the same with this stuff. Now it seems like chemo/surg/rt were the easy part - you know when they're going to end. But there are some days in the "survival" stage where it just gets tough. I made that last post after one of my doctors (too many to count) called to give me the bad news about the thyroid. Today that's good news - I'm on medication have an answer and moving forward.

    I have 6 surviving siblings (1 died of cancer at 45 and 1 had colon cancer at 42) but the rest of them can start sharing some of the joy - I've always taken better care of myself than they do. I was complaining to one of my older brothers - he told me he'd "get the next round". Another one thanked me for taking it for the team. I figured out that all this cancer etc is payback for being smarter, better looking and more fun than they are!
    Seriously,I really don't wonder why me or why not me because that's a question for which I believe there is no answer.

    I'm glad you found the site.

    Sheilah

    P.S.
    To email someone click on the email icon below their posting.
  • survivor51
    survivor51 Member Posts: 276
    #14
    3cbrca said:

    P.S.
    To email someone click on the email icon below their posting.

    OK I sent an email but how do I locate it to a response? Do I check my regular email or is there a place on CSN to check? Angela
  • chenheart
    chenheart Member Posts: 5,159
    #15
    By the way...I got BC at age 53~ I was just divorced after 27 YEARS of marriage, in a new relationship....you can no doubt begin to imagine how scared, angry, why-me I was! Truly, our situations in here are not so different.

    And again, as far as the chat is concerned...we talk about it all! It is a true safe place for us to be. We can and do talk about cancer, chemo, fear, tests, but the great thing is....in a day or two of meeting in chat we know who is married, who has kids, who is happy, who is going on holiday, etc etc etc. Yesterday, for example, the room knew I was having my 6 month follow up with my oncologist, and I was worried about my lab results. They also know I am making dinner 3X a week for a neighbor who is now going through chemo.

    It is just that cancer is what we fight, NOT who we are. It is so important for us to be able to chat about cancer, and chemo and throwing up, if we can and shold have sex, AND what our grandbabies did! You will find the same on the Boards. We are, as I said, insightful etc, but we also know when KathiM is going to Holland, or if we should be drinking wine, or getting a new bathing suit! We are women! we are wives, lovers, friends, you name it~ cancer or not. We welcome you to the Sisterhood....it is a great place to be! Welcome aboard!

    Oh...and as far as waiting for the other shoe to drop? We all do that too, in one way or another. We long for the days when a hangnail was our biggest concern. My "other shoe" used to be a steel-toed work boot, right now it is a soft, leather, baby moccassin. It is still a shoe, but it is tiny. Yours will get there too!

    ((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))

    Claudia
  • 3cbrca
    3cbrca Member Posts: 206
    #16
    survivor51 said:

    OK I sent an email but how do I locate it to a response? Do I check my regular email or is there a place on CSN to check? Angela

    On your CSN Start Page on the right hand side there is a box for messages.
  • jackiemanz
    jackiemanz Member Posts: 85
    #17
    survivor51 said:

    What were your complications with the reconstruction? I'm taking something for hot flashes but was made for depression. Sometimes I think it is easier to just a big glass of wine.

    Well I had a hematoma 10 days after surgery and now I have one implant that is slightly higher than the other. Also I have a extra pocket of fat under one of my arms. The plastic surgeon said the only way to get rid of it is by lipo but he also said that it would come and go with weight again or lost.

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