New Year-Denial or Acceptance?

3cbrca
3cbrca Member Posts: 206
edited March 2014 in Breast Cancer #1
First: thanks to all my breast cancer sisters for being out there. You women have given me more hope than any of the doctors ever could (especially the doc who is always surprised to see me still around)!!!

Well, I didn't make any New Year resolutions. 2007 was not my best year: 22 pos nodes, chemo, radiation, surgery, sudden death of 22 year old niece and the man who walked {on the day of my niece's funeral} because he didn't think he would be able to look at the mastectomy scars and btw there was the "other woman" he turned to after my diagnosis). With 2007 behind me, I'm just happy to be here and able to participate in my life!

Most days I'm looking forward to going back to work FT and getting back to something resembling "normal". I don't think about my cancer much. In spite of the colon cancer and breast cancer, somehow at 55, I still seem to have a teenager's sense of invincibility and that everything will work out well. Yet, I know the statistics and my prognosis and sometimes think about the numbers when I think about working and how I spend my time: if I'm going to live 25 years I should go back to work and worry about it later, but if I'm only going to live 5 years maybe I should figure out financially how not to work anymore and do x, y or z. etc., etc., etc. blah,blah,blah!

I do all that I can to affect a good outcome (exercise, meditation, massage etc) but I also accept that the outcome is ultimately not in my hands-trying to “live in the now. However, I do worry that going back to my old work and pretending like nothing happened is denial rather than acceptance and that if I don't use this time "wisely" that I will regret it later. I've worked in public health for years so I've covered the aspect of doing something "meaningful" in my career. I do want to go skydiving, but my nephew thinks I will end up living until age 95 in a wheel chair.

Does anyone else out there struggle with this? I'd love to hear what you think about and how you get comfortable with these choices.

My goal is to continue to let go and enjoy my life without sticking my head in the sand!

Again thanks to you all and for sharing your stories.
Sheilah

Comments

  • seof
    seof Member Posts: 819 Member
    #2
    Thanks for sharing your mixed feelings with us. I think you sound pretty normal. None of us knows how long we are going to live. I may get hit by a mac truck next time I drive to the store, so trying to guess how much time I have left is not something I am willing to spend energy on. In your case, you are young. If you have a job that fulfills your life beyond finances, by all means keep on doing it. If you want more time to do other things, maybe you could work part time and take up something that could be a hobby, yet still allow you to make a little money too. My Sister-in-law has found that she loves to create glass art...jewelery and sculptures of various sorts. She is retired, but this gives her a way to stay creative, meet other creative people, and make a bit more than she spends on supplies. If you don't "need" the money in order to live comfortably, use the time to enjoy your days, no matter how many there are.

    That's my opinion, for what it's worth. For myself, I am looking forward to going back to work because: 1. I can 2.I love what I do and the people I do it with 3. It doubles our income and makes life easier.

    That's that, seof
  • Skybuf
    Skybuf Member Posts: 143
    #3
    Hi there sister!
    Well I fell just like you do after going thru 2006 and 2007.....it's a New Year and I am believing for greater things this year and a more healthy year. I too had 19 nodes out that were postitive...but we are doing good girlfriend!!! I am going for a bilateral mastectomy Jan 28th....Make life a bit easier for me. My prosthesis is way too heavy and causing back and neck problems to boot as well as the lymphedema in the arm......so "off with it" I say.
    Hubbys okay with it too, so he says. I am doing this for ME and for my health. I hope after I heal up again I will get more strength back.
    I went back to work last year and it was very hard for me since I didn't bounce back quick enough. Now I'm retired (finally) and find I can rest more. I would love to return to work, working with people but not right now. I might do volunteer work after I heal up...I took Paliative Care and was a PSW also...(personal support worker) so feel I could help others. I pray we live our lives to the fullest, whatever makes us happy and gives us peace within.
    I too lost a niece 32 yrs old last year, we have similar lives. God bless you hon and may you be guided through life......bless you
  • Susan956
    Susan956 Member Posts: 510
    #4
    I think that we all struggle with the question of how we should life our lives....For me I have returned to work.. but my motto is to have more fun in my second 50 years than I did in my first. I work... but boy do I play on the weekends.... I think more often about retiring or taking a less stressful job.... I may go there ... but for now my choice is to keep my job and just work on fitting more play into my life...

    Take Care... God bless....

    Susan
  • Unknown
    Unknown
    #5
    Sheilah...HI
    21 year breast cancer survivor here.
    I struggled with many of the issues you mention (my hubby 'walked' too) about how to spend the rest of my life...however long that might be.
    After awhile I decided that I needed to concentrate on balance...(I guess this was an 'issue' for me because I lost one breast in 86 and the other in 88...so for awhile there I was pretty one-sided...lol).
    Anyhoo...I finally decided not to stick my head either in the sand or the ceiling fan. Hard to breathe either way. LOL
    I am most content with moderation in all things (except chocolate). But hey, that's just me...I say if ya wanna fly, go for it. Your nephew will take goooood care of you. Hahahaha
  • Unknown
    Unknown
    #6
    hang in there you are right attitude is a powerful thing when it comes to illness.
    i also worry about the future but we must learn to put it in God's hands. take each day as a gift and make the most of it. None of us (cancer or not) knows how long we have here on earth. You should check out the chat room here. There are many survivors and we listen and support one another. God bless.
  • ladybluepgh
    ladybluepgh Member Posts: 76
    #7
    hi...I think we all struggle with how to manage our daily lives...I had a recurrence of my br cancer in 2007 ..mastectomy and they tell me I recovered nicely...on the outside that is..inside I'm in constant fear of what is yet to come but have accepted that you have to just make yourself go on and deal with life one day at a time...I plan on getting the other breast removed this year ..the prosthetic is heavy and uncomfortable and makes my life harder not easier..just got the news yesterday that my brother's liver cancer is going to end his life soon ...we talk about things and he gives me the inspiration to go on...so ladies...I say...let's look around..someone is always worse and let's be thankful for whatever time we do have and live it to the fullest...take care of you and let what will be take care of itself...Diane
  • mmontero38
    mmontero38 Member Posts: 1,510
    #8
    Hey Sheila:

    We all struggle with issues and we are all going to die eventually so just live you life the way you feel comfortable living it. If you can manage to work part time or not at all then stop working and do something you would enjoy.

    If your ex walked out on you, then HE did not deserve you because you are a better person than he was. Just remember that there are people out there that are worse off than we are as hard as it is to accept this. Keep your chin up and make the best out of it. Enjoy each day as if it was your last. If you have to work than, take the time on the weekend to do things for yourself that you would enjoy. I pray for all of us sisters out there that God may be merciful and give us more time to enjoy life. Your in my thoughts. Lili
  • Unknown
    Unknown
    #9
    ladybluepgh said:

    hi...I think we all struggle with how to manage our daily lives...I had a recurrence of my br cancer in 2007 ..mastectomy and they tell me I recovered nicely...on the outside that is..inside I'm in constant fear of what is yet to come but have accepted that you have to just make yourself go on and deal with life one day at a time...I plan on getting the other breast removed this year ..the prosthetic is heavy and uncomfortable and makes my life harder not easier..just got the news yesterday that my brother's liver cancer is going to end his life soon ...we talk about things and he gives me the inspiration to go on...so ladies...I say...let's look around..someone is always worse and let's be thankful for whatever time we do have and live it to the fullest...take care of you and let what will be take care of itself...Diane

    Diane, so sorry to read about your brother. That is very hard to endure. I will pray for him, you and your family. You sound like you are strong and your words are very inspiring. Blessings. Eileen
  • manna1qd
    manna1qd Member Posts: 46
    #10
    I really did appreciate you sharing those feelings. My pastor used to say, "plan for the worst but expect the best!" I like to say, plan for the future but enjoy being in the present! I like the solution Susan came up with: playing hard on the weekends! If you are thinking enough to not want to be in denial, I don't think you are in denial. Continuing your old job is getting on with your life. Sounds like you made changes in other aspects of your life where you needed to. You can go either way with the job and it can still be good for you. Good luck. I learned a lot from the responses to your question.
  • survivor51
    survivor51 Member Posts: 276
    #11
    Sheilah,
    I learned so much from reading the responses. I had a double mast. in March of 2007. I am lucky to have a huband of 30 years that is right beside me. He is truly my best friend. I pray you have a good support system close by for those ups and downs. Someone that understands. My hubby is great but unless you actually go through this, the others have no idea. Take care and keep on keeping on. Angela

Discussion Boards