Morbid, thought provoking moment...

coug90
coug90 Member Posts: 59
edited March 2014 in Breast Cancer #1
Well I have some sad news to report. My best friends mom just passed away last week. Three weeks ago she was diagnosed with primary lung, brain and liver cancers and was given 2-6 months to live. Three weeks later, bam she's gone. I turned to my husband after finding out and said, 'If I ever get invasive cancer I hope I go quick too.' He just sort of gave me this fisheyed look. OOPS. Oh yeah. I've already had that. I quickly restated, 'Well IF I get diagnosed with terminal cancer I want to go quick.' Then I started to really think about it.

I suppose it's kind of morbid but IS it better to go quickly? Quicker than the doctors predict? Would you choose when you could die? Would you fight anyway, knowing the doctors gave you only weeks to live? I'm kind of curious to see where my thinking fits with others.

Of course, then my friend had to plan a funeral. It brought up the age old question of what do you want to happen to you when you go? She wants to be put in the cheapest paper bag you can find and be cremated. Then have a big party with U2 and pizza. She's making me take part of her ashes to Ruwanda to see the mountain gorillas (if she hasn't gone there already). Her husband has to take part of her to Italy. The last third is going to be buried under a tree on a bluff overlooking the sea in Carmel. Wow. I haven't planned that far ahead. Kind of feel like I should have somewhere for my son to go if he needs to 'speak' to me. But then, I'm not sure. Actually, the quintessential thing to do with me would be to make me into a memory diamond. You can do that you know. Since I love my bling it would be so fitting. My husband absolutely disagrees and refuses to carry out a wish like that. He said, what am I going to do with you when you are a diamond? Give you to my next wife? Give you to Mac to give to his fiance? I suppose he has a point. What to do, what to do.

Comments

  • 3cbrca
    3cbrca Member Posts: 206
    #2
    I don't think that it's morbid at all. It's all a part of the journey. I think about this stuff all the time and usually end up laughing with friends. My dad and grandfather both died of cancer within a couple of months of dx, but that was long ago. It just about killed me but it was probably good for them. Enough time to talk but not a lot of suffering. My mom did everything the doctors suggested - too afraid to go. My sister fought until she met her goals and then said it was time to go - no more treatment. I think when the time comes I will follow suit. No hairshirts for me.

    I feel great and am very hopeful that I will be around for awhile and that's why none of this feels morbid to me. I'm also selective in choosing the people I talk to about it. Go figure, some people don't find it as amusing as I do.

    I started my obituary (with my cousins help) about six months after my diagnosis - It's a very fluid document and I only work on it when I or my cousin or friends remember a funny story. They've promised to publish it because no one in my family ever would = they are way too proper and my obituary isn't. I too want to be creamated and I want Meatloaf to sing "I'm Still Alive" and "A Real Dead Ringer for Love" for the men in my past. Doubt that will happen, but I'll try. Problem is I don't want a church funeral and don't want my sister to control the tone (she's really serious) so I'm still working on that and I have time - unless I get hit by a bus. My ashes are going down the Mississippi - a few with my parents and my sister and the rest to Ireland!!

    So, yeah - I think and plan and think that its a good thing. As my grandmother told me 36 years ago "death is a part of life", so I want mine to reflect me - whenever it happens.

    I doubt I could get anyone to wear the diamond, so I won't even try!

    She
  • KathiM
    KathiM Member Posts: 8,028 Member
    #3
    Hummmm......been there, done that!

    Given 6 months to live on my first cancer...fought like heck...still here thru cancer #2 and all of the wierd junk that life sends me....

    I DO have a will, and an advanced directive that goes to great detail...including throwing a big party, and anyone caught crying will be asked to stop or leave....I'll be in a better place by then, anyway.....doesn't matter if people think I'm pissy....

    Short or long time, MY big thing is NOT to suffer...oh, wait, done that too!!! I want enough time to say goodbye...but now I live each day as if it's my last, so I guess I DO tell people I love them, and in a way, say goodbye every time we talk....

    As far as my 'remains'...well, by that time I won't be needing them anymore. And I sure don't want to be dug up for a new housing development one day. I believe my God is all-talented, if I need a new vessel to protect my essence, He can make one...after all, He is already performing a miracle in calling me home at all....
    My dad is buried 1/2 hour away from where I live...visited his grave once, feel guilty not going many times...don't want to make my daughter feel bad...easier for her to look up into a brilliant blue sky, and smile knowing I am smiling back...

    That's all she wrote....this is such a personal thing....sorry if I offended anyone...don't mean to...just discussed this very thing with another gal this afternoon...

    Hugs, Kathi

    (Coug, I'll wear you in a ring anyday...you would make beautiful bling!)
  • seof
    seof Member Posts: 819 Member
    #4
    Personally, I think it is very practical, not morbid, to think and plan and make known your opinions and desires while you are still around to do it. I have observed my Father-in-law dealing with losing 5 wives, then watching his children deal with losing him. He had his funeral planned out in quite a bit of detail, even to the extent of pre-paying for a lot of it. It was actually helpful to his children...no question about what he wanted. As for myself, I will be finished with this body, so I say let anyone who is still living use any spare parts that may still be usable, then cremate the rest and use it for fertilizer to plant a tree (cheaper and a much more practical use of land. Memories travel with the one doing the remembering anyway.) I have my own version of the hyppocratic oath....First, do no harm to those who remain, if it's OK with them, do it my way.

    Thanks for the mental stimulation, keep thinking. seof
  • chenheart
    chenheart Member Posts: 5,159
    #5
    Morbid: "related to, or caused by, disease". I dare say, Cancer can indeed produce morbid thoughts!

    My parents both "went quickly"; my dad 12 weeks from dx. He knew he didn't have much time, so he planned his service, and the music. Being a newspaperman, his service was a big party at the Press Club, with friends, family, toasts and jazz. He died in Europe, I was a newlywed living in California, so the family had the ashes sent to me where I tearfully scattered them in a National Forest.
    This passing was hard on us , but he was not left to waste and linger. He died with his family and his dignity in tact.

    My mom died of kidney disease...she had been ill about a year. When she went to the hospital not feeling well, she said that if she had known she was going to have to spend the night there, she would have brought her lipstick. She didn't wake up the next morning.... Again, good for her, hard on us. But I have often said I hope I too go out as vain and peacefully as my mother did! I took a 3rd of her ashes and scattered them in the same forest near to my dad.

    As for me? Some days I think I would fight like a mother tiger, and other days, I think I might just let go. I suppose it depends on what the dx would be. And its prognosis.

    What I hopefully learned from my parents passing ( and my own battle) is this:

    Mend fences, Make love, Speak love, Laugh, Think, Reflect, and give those you leave behind the knowledge that you were someone special in their lives!!!

    And Coug, you already ARE the diamond in Dusty and Mac's lives...

    Hugs,
    Claudia
  • Skybuf
    Skybuf Member Posts: 143
    #6
    Good one coug, one we have all thought of no doubt.
    Dying is part of living......we all must die (unless the Rapture takes place first) Thoughts of death after ca dx come to all of us. I too try to live one day at a time. Some days are diamonds some stone as the song goes.
    As for me, I put all my trust, faith, hope in Jesus Christ, I am a born again Christian and couldn't make this journey without Him. I have my funeral somewhat planned and spot picked out, on the Veterans hill (hubby was a Vet) where my Mom Dad and Sister and Niece are burried. It's under a maple tree overlooking the fountain with Canadian Geese and swans in it. I won't be there but when those that knew us come to pay a visit, it's an awesome spot. My Sister and Brother in Law visit quite regular....My Mom died of several things affecting her, Dad was killed in a MVA and Sister Gail went to bed at 61 and didn't get up in the am....Niece died of an overdose at 32. Mom and daughter burried side by side.....was so sad.
    I will be burried from my church and have music picked out (I sing on the Praise and Worship team) I want them to sing. "It is Well With My Soul" I love that song and it speaks volumes.
    I often sing songs of Heaven and hope and pray I have the courage others have shown me when my time comes....until then, my heart will go on singingggggggg :)
    I cherish each day now and want to be able to help others going through the same as we are....
    May God bless us and keep us all in good health!
  • teresaglea
    teresaglea Member Posts: 16
    #7
    Good question, If I'm terminal and not feeling well enough to do anything but set around and be in pain,,,,,take me now. But if I can still visit with friends and have time to say good by without being high on drugs then I would rather do that. How do you have your ashes made into a diamond???? I would love info on that. Thanks Teresa
  • twill6
    twill6 Member Posts: 5
    #8
    My sister was diagnosed with Breast Cancer 5 1/2 years ago, she went through a lumpectomy, chemo and radiation.

    2 1/2 years ago, they found cancer on her ovary and in her blood stream. She knew then that she was in a fight because of the cancer being in her blood stream, it was in remission for a couple of years. She is now dying at the age of 46, (her bd is Dec 11 and she will be 47) because the cancer is now in her liver and colon. She is in a lot of pain and hospice has been slowly increasing her pain medication as needed.

    My sister started planning her funeral arrangements when she was dx with the cancer in the blood stream. She has everything taken care of, she said that she did not want my nieces who are in their 20's to have to do this. She has even planned what she will be buried in. She has made her wishes know to everyone so that they will be carried out the way she wants them to be.

    I live in Texas and my sister lives in Illinois. I went to visit her in October at the suggestion of my oncologist, she said that I should visit while she was still feeling pretty good or I would regret it later.

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