anybody out there lost their life partner

leftbehind
leftbehind Member Posts: 1
edited March 2014 in Surviving Caregivers #1
Barbara and I were together for 9 years and she passed away three weeks ago. I took care of her for six months and the last day came unexpectedly. I knew it was going to come, just "not today" or that day. I have been taking care of things and running around to stay busy, but now I am tired of running and am just starting to deal with loosing her. Everyone is around in the beginning, but then you go through all your phone contacts and no one answers.
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Comments

  • shmurciakova
    shmurciakova Member Posts: 906 Member
    #2
    Hi!
    I am so sorry for what you are going through. I am not a surviving caregiver, but evey so often I just browse through the topics to see if any questions or posts are going unanswered. My name is Susan, I am a colorectal cancer survivor. I was just thinking that you should try posting on the "caregivers" discussion group since it is more active than this one. Also, you might consider posting in the "lesbians talk about cancer" section. Maybe someone there could help you out more. I hope you are feeling a little bit better now. I can't imagine what loosing someone like that would be like, but you are probably doing the best you can by trying to stay busy. Just remember to take the time you need to grieve. That amount of time is different for everyone.
    Take care, I hope this helps,
    Susan H.
  • hopefulone
    hopefulone Member Posts: 1,043 Member
    #3
    My sincere sympathies on your loss. I am a caregiver, hubby stage IV just had what we hope is a successful liver resection for liver mets from colorectal cancer. It's such a roller coaster of emotions for us caregivers. I can only imagine what your going through. I don't know how I would react were I to lose my hubby of 32 years. You need to allow yourself time to grieve now and maybe join a support group of surviving caregivers in your area. Check with the American Cancer Society close to you. Know that your loved one is at peace now and there is no disease where she is . God Bless, keeping you in my prayers. Let us know how you are doing.
    Diane
  • dash4
    dash4 Member Posts: 303 Member
    #4
    Hello,
    I am not an expert on your question, but wanted to say that someone has read your post and you have my sincere condolences for your loss.

    I am a caregiver for 3 years of my husband with Stage IV colon cancer. I do know the feeling that you realize it may be in the future of losing your loved one, but "not today".
    I lost my brother 17 years ago to lung cancer and my sister in a car accident when I was very young. I still miss them and still carry that "lost" feeling at times. I do know that when people say you "will get over it"--they are wrong. You never "get over it", you just learn "to get on with it". That probably does not help you at the moment though.
    I hope you have found some peace with your loss.
    I have been posting on the colon cancer site and I just learned this discussion board even existed. I am not sure why this is not included with the caregiver discussion board - maybe together the 2 boards could get more of a discussion board that would be there for all of us that need it. If you are reading this Dana (he is the CSN guy) -would that be possible?

    You will be in my prayers and thoughts.
    Mary Kay
  • oneagleswings
    oneagleswings Member Posts: 425 Member
    #5
    I am so sorry for the loss of your wife..my husband is in the end stage of terminal crc and although my head tells me it will be soon that I will loose him..my heart tells me not today...I hope you can find a support group that will help you work through this time of sorrow...you are in my prayers.
    Bev
  • sue45
    sue45 Member Posts: 2
    #6
    think we need some one to talk to 24 7 when we lose our other half.the hurt never leaves
  • manna1qd
    manna1qd Member Posts: 46
    #7
    I am sorry for your loss. My father died a number of years ago. I know it hit my mother very hard. It isn't possible to know how difficult it will be until it happens. She had some very good friends who stayed with her emotionally for the long haul. She went out whenever asked. I must admit I wasn't a big help to her due to my location and time of life but for me, it kept me going. For various reasons, some people just aren't around when you need them. I always recommend a communitiy of faith. There are usually support groups and generally, people available to lean on through your grief. Hugs.
  • PFitzUS
    PFitzUS Member Posts: 1
    #8
    I lost my husband, the love of my life, just over 3 weeks ago. It doesn't seem real or imaginable that after 23 years he could be gone. He fought melanoma valiantly, always believing we could beat it. I miss him so much it literally hurts my heart. I understand the pain you feel. I only hope that as time passes we start to remember them with smiles instead of tears. They would never want us to hurt so much. My sympathies to you and to all the others who have lost their loved ones.
  • cblackwell
    cblackwell Member Posts: 1
    #9
    John left me 8 weeks ago from small cell lung cancer. We have been married 42 years. High school sweethearts. Five kids and three grandkids. I cry every day. I just wonder if it ever gets better? It seems so unfair. We just got our last kid raised a year ago and took a trip to Mexico and thought we would get to do plenty of fun stuff now that they were all grown. What will I ever do with myself? I just don't know. I guess I have no answere for you if I have none for myself. Peace and love in Christ. Carol in MO
  • arbrab
    arbrab Member Posts: 55
    #10
    I know where you are coming from. I lost my husband of 34 years 1 year ago 2007 March 28. I didn't get to stay in our home, so I hope that you are lucky enough to at least do that. I tried the support groups at the Cancer Center. They weren't for me. Have to keep on track with the dicussion. I went to the Chat room here at CSN. They are angles with alot of help, and will help you with anything they can. Not everyone is a caregiver, but it doesn't matter. You need people to talk to about what you are going through. And you are right, all the friends that you thought that you had are gone. It happened to me to. If you have family close by be thankfull for that. Please don't let anyone talk you into anything you don't feel comfortable with. Getting rid of things you don't want to doesn't help with your greiving. I have a problem with remembering our life together. I don't know if that is denial, but be prepared for anything and everything. Nobody knows what you are going through but you. And everyone is different. All the sorry's in the world don't help your greif. I wish you the very best. And it does get better with time. But you have to keep busy, even if it's going through her things and crying. My husband Richard did the yard work, and when he passed I sat in the front yard doing what he was surposed to do and cryed all day long. Did it help? Well, I really don't know. I miss him so much everyday. You could also write in a journal, yell, scream, do whatever you need to do to get your feeling out. Take one day at a time, and remember that you had nine wonderful years.
  • sdloach
    sdloach Member Posts: 5
    #11
    arbrab said:

    I know where you are coming from. I lost my husband of 34 years 1 year ago 2007 March 28. I didn't get to stay in our home, so I hope that you are lucky enough to at least do that. I tried the support groups at the Cancer Center. They weren't for me. Have to keep on track with the dicussion. I went to the Chat room here at CSN. They are angles with alot of help, and will help you with anything they can. Not everyone is a caregiver, but it doesn't matter. You need people to talk to about what you are going through. And you are right, all the friends that you thought that you had are gone. It happened to me to. If you have family close by be thankfull for that. Please don't let anyone talk you into anything you don't feel comfortable with. Getting rid of things you don't want to doesn't help with your greiving. I have a problem with remembering our life together. I don't know if that is denial, but be prepared for anything and everything. Nobody knows what you are going through but you. And everyone is different. All the sorry's in the world don't help your greif. I wish you the very best. And it does get better with time. But you have to keep busy, even if it's going through her things and crying. My husband Richard did the yard work, and when he passed I sat in the front yard doing what he was surposed to do and cryed all day long. Did it help? Well, I really don't know. I miss him so much everyday. You could also write in a journal, yell, scream, do whatever you need to do to get your feeling out. Take one day at a time, and remember that you had nine wonderful years.

    I lost my husband 3 weeks ago today......we have a 13 year old daughter. i stay strong for her. i miss him more than life itself. he was my world, my life , my rock. he was only 55 yrs old. i am a 47 year old widow. we were marrid for 17 years. God why did you take him from me??? please help me deal with this...............
  • arbrab
    arbrab Member Posts: 55
    #12
    sdloach said:

    I lost my husband 3 weeks ago today......we have a 13 year old daughter. i stay strong for her. i miss him more than life itself. he was my world, my life , my rock. he was only 55 yrs old. i am a 47 year old widow. we were marrid for 17 years. God why did you take him from me??? please help me deal with this...............

    My husband was also 55 when I lost him in 07, we had 34 years together and 5 grandchildren. The last 2 will never know what a grear grandpa he truely was. I ask the same question that you do, everyday. Why did he have to go when he was such a good man, did everything for everybody and never took credit for anything he did. My only answer is from a song long ago. Only the good die young. does it help, NO!! But he was needed elsewhere, that's what I beleive. My sister told me that I'm young enough to find someone else. Boy, I could have slapped her right then and there. I don't want anyone else. I want him back... So I know the heartbreak that your feeling. We did everything together, and maybe he wasn't Mr. Perfect, but he was mine. And I don't want someone else to replace him. Be strong for yourself too. Cry when you need to. Talk to your daughter about things if she wants to. You both need that more than you know. Sometimes I feel like everyone around me is tired of me saying the same things over and over. But that's all I have left of him. Be strong, it does get easier with time.. I still have a hard time some days. but I'm trying
  • cajundude71665
    cajundude71665 Member Posts: 1
    #13
    I know how you feel, I lost my father just 2 weeks ago. I took care of him for 4 years. He was diganosed on June 12 with a brain tumor and he passed on the 24th, four days before my birthday. So the running around I can understand
  • sandyjg
    sandyjg Member Posts: 71
    #14
    sdloach said:

    I lost my husband 3 weeks ago today......we have a 13 year old daughter. i stay strong for her. i miss him more than life itself. he was my world, my life , my rock. he was only 55 yrs old. i am a 47 year old widow. we were marrid for 17 years. God why did you take him from me??? please help me deal with this...............

    Losing husband
    I read your post and feel for you. I lost my husband 5 weeks ago and feel so lost and lonely. I cannot imagine how hard it would be to have a young child to care for. The hardest part for me is getting over his actual "death". He had Stage IV for 3 years when he passed away and did well until the past year. The last 8 months were so very hard and sad. He developed pneumonia and was in the hospital 8 days and came for 17 hours on hospice. I have trouble remembering anything other than the last sad scary days. I was not at all prepared for the process of death. I am pretty angry that no one prepared me for this, I was totally in the dark and thought he would come home and we would go back to life as it was. I promised him that I would not let him suffer and was not able to do that.
  • Tromblt
    Tromblt Member Posts: 1
    #15
    new widow

    THis has been the worst week ever.  I lost the love of my life of 35 years to cancer.  I was with him his last 30 days of his life in the hospital.  It was and is the worst nightmare of my life. My husband was diagnosed 11 months ago.  He was told that he had a very curable cancer and he would be fine. He went though 11 months of chemo and his condition was poor at the beginning to the end.  Chemo wore him down, made him weak and angry.  He was not the person I knew.  I kept telling him we will make it though this youre going to be fine.  6 trips to the hospital at least 2 weeks each time, we were still hopeful.  He was given blood, plasma, magnizum and several other drugs and sent home each time weaker then the time before.  Again we were still hopeful and looking towards this nightmare being over. I was my husbands voice and caretaker. I had to make decisions I never dream of.  He was poked, cut and given no food in hopes that all of this would make him stonger.  Test were done and the doctors couldn't find anything wrong with him.  He should have pulled out of this and gotten better, This time he had a seizure and wasn't breathing rushed to the hospital.  He was put on a breathing machine with no hopes of recovery.  He was taken off 4 days later and seemed fine.  He was moved to another room on a regular floor from the icu.  A few days later he got a fever and was rushed back to the icu.  A couple days later he was again put on a breathing machine because he was spitting up blood.  only one day later he was taken off and seemed like his old self again.  3 days later I was asked what his wishes were for his death.I knew he didn't want to live with a feeing tube on kidney dialysis and have a urine bag attached to his side the rest of his life. 24 hours later he passed away.  

  • nj55
    nj55 Member Posts: 25
    edited February 2017 #16
    I am so sorry for your loss.

    I am sorry for your loss. You are right that it's the worst week of your life. I am also a new widow. My husband passed away right before Christmas. It still hurts every day, but it isn't as raw as it was. I have my granddaughter living with me so that gives me someone to focus on that needs me.

    He was diagnosed with end stage liver cancer on Halloween. He agreed to treatment to try to kill the tumor and hope it hadn't spread. They said six months to a year with treatment if it had spread.  He didn't want to live if he couldn't be active and independent, so he signed a DNR.   He only lived seven weeks. I wasn't ready and I am still not ready to be alone, but it is getting easier some days to go on. I try to remember that he isn't suffering and he was in pain.  He would not want the tubes and constant help to get around.

    I don't know if this is any help, but there are a lot of us here that understand.  You can email me if you want to communicate privately.  My thoughts and prayers are with you.

    Nancy

  • Kenrotheimego
    Kenrotheimego Member Posts: 1
    #17
    I did.

    I no were ure coming from. I just lost my wife 3 weeks ago and it is the worst thing that i have gone through in the 42 years of life. I realy dont have any advice because im kind of struggling with my own issues. I just thought i let u no that i feel ure pain.

     

  • Billtanner
    Billtanner Member Posts: 2
    #18
    sue45 said:

    think we need some one to talk to 24 7 when we lose our other half.the hurt never leaves

    I agree we need somewhere to tqlk

    I lost my wife... My best friend for 30 years.., I really don't know where to turn... What's wright what's wrong. Feel guilty asking anyone... Feel like Knowbody will understand me. can anyone help

    Bill

  • Billtanner
    Billtanner Member Posts: 2
    #19
    Tromblt said:

    new widow

    THis has been the worst week ever.  I lost the love of my life of 35 years to cancer.  I was with him his last 30 days of his life in the hospital.  It was and is the worst nightmare of my life. My husband was diagnosed 11 months ago.  He was told that he had a very curable cancer and he would be fine. He went though 11 months of chemo and his condition was poor at the beginning to the end.  Chemo wore him down, made him weak and angry.  He was not the person I knew.  I kept telling him we will make it though this youre going to be fine.  6 trips to the hospital at least 2 weeks each time, we were still hopeful.  He was given blood, plasma, magnizum and several other drugs and sent home each time weaker then the time before.  Again we were still hopeful and looking towards this nightmare being over. I was my husbands voice and caretaker. I had to make decisions I never dream of.  He was poked, cut and given no food in hopes that all of this would make him stonger.  Test were done and the doctors couldn't find anything wrong with him.  He should have pulled out of this and gotten better, This time he had a seizure and wasn't breathing rushed to the hospital.  He was put on a breathing machine with no hopes of recovery.  He was taken off 4 days later and seemed fine.  He was moved to another room on a regular floor from the icu.  A few days later he got a fever and was rushed back to the icu.  A couple days later he was again put on a breathing machine because he was spitting up blood.  only one day later he was taken off and seemed like his old self again.  3 days later I was asked what his wishes were for his death.I knew he didn't want to live with a feeing tube on kidney dialysis and have a urine bag attached to his side the rest of his life. 24 hours later he passed away.  

    I read your post

    I am truly touched by what you have posted. I too was the care taker for my spouse. We were married just short of 30 years. I to have had to make decisions that have been difficult to live with after the fact. I truly loved my wife and had a beautiful family with her. We were to grow old together... Sit in a rocking chair on the front porch and enjoy life one day. I feel very confused as Im  sure you do. I am very very sorry for your loss. I don't know what to say only that I do feel your pain. My wife was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer after being misdiagnosed for about a year.... Everything from phnemonia to heart attack. I can only feel like I should have known better and maybe then she would have had a chance..... I don't know. I'm an exmarine and nothing I have seen in this world has brought me to my knees like this... Nor has anything left me so confused. 

    I sincerely hope you can heal and find peace..... Please.. if you do let me know how.

    I wish you all the best

    Bill Tanner

  • dean66
    dean66 Member Posts: 2
    #20
     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

    I lost my wife of 31 yrs to lung cancer 6 months ago. It is a very difficult thing to deal with. My experience has been that bad days are still plentiful after 6 months but you begin to learn to deal with it. I believe I have the right to feel sorry for myself for a little while longer, but not much. I love my wife and I miss her very much.

                                                                  

     

     

     

     

     

     

  • dean66
    dean66 Member Posts: 2
    #21
    Billtanner said:

    I agree we need somewhere to tqlk

    I lost my wife... My best friend for 30 years.., I really don't know where to turn... What's wright what's wrong. Feel guilty asking anyone... Feel like Knowbody will understand me. can anyone help

    Bill

    All I can say is that I know

    All I can say is that I know what you are going through. I lost my wife 6months ago. We were married for 31ys 3mo. It gets a little easier to deal with after 6months but not much. I think it's going to a tough, lonely road for a while.

     

     

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