just some thoughts

I don’t have a partner with cancer, which is perhaps what this discussion topic was intended for. But – I guess I’m feeling especially lonely tonight and thought someone might be able to relate.

My dad was diagnosed with stage four lung cancer earlier this year. And sometimes, it’s really hard because I don’t have that many people to talk to about it that really understand. I mean, I can start talking to my friends about it…but all they say is…yeah, that’s tough.

I don’t want to think of my dad as dying. I cringe when people respond and say…”I lost my __2 years ago to lung cancer.” Because they think they can actually relate to me…And they probably can…but every time it’s a reminder of the probably outcome. And I really don’t want to believe it.

And I’m soo busy with school and work and then trying to deal with this. And I go home, and it’s so depressing. My dad has changed. I mean…not in a bad way…but just different. Along with always being tired and weak. And we never really do anything anymore. What can we do? He gets so tired so fast. And it’s not that I’m not trying. There’s not much hope out there for lung cancer – And that’s why I’m so frustrated with “my ___ died last year of lung cancer” posts. They are soooo depressing for me. (not saying they shouldn’t be posted)

And there are a few with hope…but it seems like the people that do contact me, contact EVERYONE…if you know what I mean...Anyway….I found an alternative treatment website that has hope. THE FIRST I’VE SEEN! Granted, it may not work. But what if it does??? I have lost so much faith in oncologists and chemotherapy and yes…I’ve half-way bought into the “detoxification” crap…(who’s to say if it’s crap) People have hope there. It’s hope. And that is what I need right now. But I keep getting in these fights with my dad. It’s like a constant battle….I don’t want to be annoying or unsympathetic. But come ON.

He doesn’t have a lot of time! And it’s so hard getting him to follow a schedule and eat and eat. And everyone tells you things change-it’s the nature of life, to enjoy each and every moment like it’s the last….but honestly, I don’t think I’ll ever get there. It’s so hard living everyday not knowing if my dad will get through this and what course of action is the best. And whether or not it’s worth fighting with him. And what to push for and what to let go.

Anyway…I’m so tired. Hopefully this makes sense. .Thanks for listening.