Sexual Healing????

chenheart
chenheart Member Posts: 5,159
edited March 2014 in Breast Cancer #1
At the Relay for Life last weekend, a woman was relating her cancer experiences and she told the crowd that she is The Princess at home. Only now, she said, instead of her husband kissing her backside, he now has to wipe it! We all laughed, of course, but later on, it did make me think...
Since cancer, we have this "altered state" as it were, not just physically and emotionally, but for me, sexually as well. I am not so comfortable in my own skin anymore. I am wondering how other women deal with the change in their bodies, and the role their partners have. As visual as many men are, have any of you suffered sexually because of the toll cancer has taken on our bodies? I worry about how my boyfriend views me now....

Comments

  • newboobs
    newboobs Member Posts: 121
    #2
    I think we are much more critical of our own bodies than others are. I agree on not feeling comfortable in my skin-- but I'm now more aware of how I feel, my breathing, I guess I'm more conscious of what's going on with my body. My hubby was great during treatment and has been great ever since. But there are days I look in the mirror and think,"What happened there?" LOL

    But if you sit and listen to your girlfriends who have never had cancer, they are saying the same stuff. I say, just enjoy each day, have a fun weekend away when you can!
  • seof
    seof Member Posts: 819 Member
    #3
    I still feel like a beginner on this journey. I have had 6 chemo treatments (1/week), and surgery is still at least 6 more treatments away, probably more. The time and type of surgery will be determined after the re-evaluations are done at the end of the 1st 12 treatments. So, even though I have not experienced many changes yet, I find myself spending a lot more time than I would have expected going over the pros and cons of the different possibilities, trying to imagine how I might look with lumpectomy, reconstruction, or whatever. Right now I am not sure what to think. I appreciate those who have gone before sharing on this website. I'll have to give you an update after surgery is done, I guess. I do thank God for a loving husband who has always loved me for me, despite past physical changes of pregnancy, Caesarian, weight gain, hairstyle changes.....over 22 years of marriage.
  • jackiemanz
    jackiemanz Member Posts: 85
    #4
    I really understand what you are going through. I was diagnosed with cancer right before Christmas 2006. I had a double mestectomy on March 20th and then 10 days later I had a Hemtoma so during all that my husband of 18 years was great and waited on me hand and foot but during all that I slipped into a depression and my Doctor put me on antidepressants and he said it would hurt my sex drive but I didn't care cause I didn't feel sexy anyway. I have one more surgery to go (August 9th) and that is when they will recreate my nipples and aerola so maybe after that I might feel whole again but right now like you I am alittle concerned.
  • JKAlley
    JKAlley Member Posts: 84
    #5
    jackiemanz said:

    I really understand what you are going through. I was diagnosed with cancer right before Christmas 2006. I had a double mestectomy on March 20th and then 10 days later I had a Hemtoma so during all that my husband of 18 years was great and waited on me hand and foot but during all that I slipped into a depression and my Doctor put me on antidepressants and he said it would hurt my sex drive but I didn't care cause I didn't feel sexy anyway. I have one more surgery to go (August 9th) and that is when they will recreate my nipples and aerola so maybe after that I might feel whole again but right now like you I am alittle concerned.

    You are all lucky to have husbands/boyfriends that except you as you are. I am single, and the prospect of showing this body to a new man just plain makes me laugh! I was lucky - I had a lumpectomy, but still I am scared, flatened & puckered, & the bc side is definately smaller. That being said, I think my insecurities have as much to do with the weight gain, sagging, drooping gravity thing that age brings on, as it does with my "unique" boob. I just have to believe the right man will take me, imperfections and all, and just love me for the woman I am, and that's certainly not easy to ask of anyone!
  • KathiM
    KathiM Member Posts: 8,028 Member
    #6
    newboobs said:

    I think we are much more critical of our own bodies than others are. I agree on not feeling comfortable in my skin-- but I'm now more aware of how I feel, my breathing, I guess I'm more conscious of what's going on with my body. My hubby was great during treatment and has been great ever since. But there are days I look in the mirror and think,"What happened there?" LOL

    But if you sit and listen to your girlfriends who have never had cancer, they are saying the same stuff. I say, just enjoy each day, have a fun weekend away when you can!

    I agree. My non-cancer friends, reaching 50's like me, are all complaining about their body changes...

    MY goal is to get as good as I can by eating right, exercising, and smiling everyday. There truly IS something to be said for 'beauty on the inside'.

    I look in the mirror, I see a new person:
    -Hair not only a different cut, but a totally different color,
    -2 scars, one on and one next to my 'special' breast
    -a blue spot the size of a quarter on my 'special' breast...
    -a great big 'zipper' on my belly from my rectal cancer surgery...

    Then I look again, and I see:

    -A smile on my lips that reflect in my eyes
    -A 'perky' hairstyle that I would NEVER had thought to do myself...
    -A bellybutton just CRYING to be pierced, with another right beside it...

    Life paints it's picture on our bodies. Every wrinkle, grey hair, scar, and smile line. I treasure my body. It gave it's best during my fights with cancer...always coming back out swinging...

    I wear my scars as badges. If I catch someone looking, well, it's a great opening to tell my story. THEN I get the sympathy vote, too (lol). I can also preach a little at that point to hopefully educate so someone can avoid my plight...my breast lump I carried with me for 10 years...never questioned...
    I'm single. In a relationship. But, if I was without, well, I'd not hesitate to go full on...look at men in their 50's...pot bellies, thinning hair...not much to compare to, huh?

    Hugs to all you beautiful warriors!

    Kathi
  • 24242
    24242 Member Posts: 1,398 Member
    #7
    JKAlley said:

    You are all lucky to have husbands/boyfriends that except you as you are. I am single, and the prospect of showing this body to a new man just plain makes me laugh! I was lucky - I had a lumpectomy, but still I am scared, flatened & puckered, & the bc side is definately smaller. That being said, I think my insecurities have as much to do with the weight gain, sagging, drooping gravity thing that age brings on, as it does with my "unique" boob. I just have to believe the right man will take me, imperfections and all, and just love me for the woman I am, and that's certainly not easy to ask of anyone!

    It has been 10 years of survival for me and with my double mastectomies I decided not endure any more pain and opted out of reconstruction something I am grateful for. I had so many side effects that even surgery came with its own. I do not regret my choices along the way.
    I have always been a tom-boy so I guess I didn't have the same attachments as most women have to their breasts, so felt no need to maintain the appearance. One good thing came of it I have more men looking me in the eye, lololol
    Well I think there are too many changes in me to count and my sex life is deffinatly one. I guess I have always known that a sex life will not keep people together but are apart of growing together. Right now at this point in my life I have never felt more like a woman and know that my gratitude for life and opportunity will help me along the way. One's sex life is hard to get back to when one doesn't even think the same way as I once did. There is certainly allot more to life than I truly ever knew before my fight for my life.
    Love to all,
    Tara
  • Unknown
    Unknown
    #8
    Chen, as you have probably heard me say in the chat room, "I lost my hubby to cancer.....I got cancer and he got LOST!!!"
    Actually, I can joke about it now although it wasn't funny at the time. But the reality is that if you have a good relationship BEFORE cancer then you don't have much to worry about AFTER cancer as far as how the changes in your body will affect you and your partner. A couple who really cares about each other will be able to 'get creative' in the bedroom as well in all of life in order to make the necessary adjustments. My marriage was in trouble looooong before I got cancer and the extra stress was just the straw that broke the camel's back. And as I have said before, it all worked out for the best. I am in a good place now and have no regrets.
  • babs49242
    babs49242 Member Posts: 193
    #9
    Chen~
    When I was DX and had my surgery.I had just met MY MAN. So he saw me w/ 2 girls(boobs) and now just 1. He mentioned the other day..that he loved me w/ 2 and even MORE with just one. OH, we did get married 2 yrs AFTER my hoopla. It took me awhile to 'look' at my scar and to feel it. Now I go outta the house w/o my fake. I wear my scars as COURAGE.
  • chenheart
    chenheart Member Posts: 5,159
    #10
    You are THE MOST amazing group of women! I admire you and so appreciate the replies and insight. It has helped me to be more confidant about who I am, and to forge ahead knowing I am AWESOME too! My b/f has not actually been insensitive to me at all. I realize the problem is my own insecurity. Seeing your responses has truly helped me! Thank you so much!
    Claudia
  • isitover
    isitover Member Posts: 1
    #11
    chenheart said:

    You are THE MOST amazing group of women! I admire you and so appreciate the replies and insight. It has helped me to be more confidant about who I am, and to forge ahead knowing I am AWESOME too! My b/f has not actually been insensitive to me at all. I realize the problem is my own insecurity. Seeing your responses has truly helped me! Thank you so much!
    Claudia

    Hey Girls!!
    I love your optimism, and admire your strength and courage. I was like that for awhile, but as the years have passed, and I remain alone, I wonder why I bothered to fight so hard to end up alone. In 2002, I had a double masctectomy, chemo, radiation, and reconstruction. And my husband couldn't deal...but like others have said, if the marriage had been healthy, we should have made it through. I have had 2 short relationships in the 5 years since, and on my birthday I will be "celebrating" 2 years of celibacy. My hair is so sparse, I still have to wear a wig, which no doctor can explain. I am not ugly, and am in a high profile meet-and-greet job. But I haven't met any man I can trust to let down my guard. They all want to get laid right away, and I laugh at them in my head when I picture the look on their faces when my clothes and wig come off. I miss being loved so much. Just being held. And told that I am worthy of love. I can tell myself over and over, but it's not the same as someone else caring. Don't get me wrong, I love my girlfriends, but sometimes I am so lonely for a good cuddle or a hot kiss, I am miserable. Forgive me for whining, but I thought this might be the one place that I could speak frankly, and someone might understand.

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