How can I help my friend

When I was first diagnosed with breast cancer, I was a basket case: lots of fears, lots of tears, lots and lots of doctor visits to juggle. All I knew about cancer then was that people died of it, so obviously I was terrified. My sister, who lived 12 1/2 hours away, wanted to help. She took the time to call me or email me every week. If she knew I had a test coming up, she would call afterward to see how I did and ask what the result was a week later. She was a doctor though not a cancer specialist. Still, she looked up things when I didn't understand something and checked on the internet and in medical magazines to make sure I was doing the right stuff to maximize my chances for keeping cancer at bay. Mostly she just listened and let me know she cared. Even if she had not had any medical expertise, I would have appreciated her checking to make sure I was doing okay. Another thing someone did that I still remember are the ones that sent a basket of useful stuff (packets of hot chocolate, a book to read NOT on cancer, a funny DVD, dark chocolate bars, special teas (Sencha green tea is supposed to fight cancer), and so forth). Some Girl Scouts I will never know packed a bag with makeup and goodies that a nurse gave me as I came out of surgery. I had a very sore throat from the anethesia (I had to have a mastectomy and needed general anethesia for that) and the butterscotch drops in that bag really helped. As for what to say, understand that cancer is a broad term for a number of different diseases. There are even many kinds of breast cancer and we don't get a choice about which one we get or how aggressive it is. Nobody has figured out exactly what causes any of the breast cancers or how to keep it from ever coming back. This is a genetic disease of messed up cells and it is nobody's fault. Exercise and a good diet seem to help some. Medicine and surgery help some. It took me time to realize that breast cancer for most of us is like a chronic disease that we have to learn to live with. They were starting to keep ten year statistics back in 2002 when I was first diagnosed. Now they are starting to keep 20 year statistics! The changes reflect the better medicines and better results out there. So encourage your friend to learn as much as she can about her kind of cancer and what she can do about it. Encourage her to get to the best breast cancer specialists she can find. Keep after her to make all those wearisome doctor visits those first few years. Send junk she can use. Email funny jokes (a good laugh boasts immune function and relieves pain too). Encourage her to ask questions on this website or one like it. See if there are any support groups in her area for breast cancer and tell her when the meetings are so she can go if she wants. If she lives too far from town, check out the Wellness Community or this website for support groups. Call her just to say hi without discussing medical stuff. Be her friend.

cards and emails help a lot. It is better to listen than to risk saying something that may bother your friend. I was very sensitive at the time of my diagnosis.

I agree with the others. You and your friend have probably been through other tough times. Be honest with her...you want to help, but don't know how....I expect she will appreciate your desire. Maybe think of some things like cards, hot tea, bath beads, or whatever and ask her what would help her feel better, then send her a care package. If that isn't her "cup of tea",maybe just a regular phone call or email...anything to let her know you are still there for her. I know I find emails to be a great comfort, even if they just have the sender's name and "thinking of you today".

Loisanne: You are a good friend. So glad you are asking questions like this. As mentioned, be a sounding board. Listen to her and comfort her.

Next, advise her to write down all her questions for when she sees her doctors. Tell her to take a friend with her to take notes for her. Why? because she is most likely is still in shock and afraid. A friend taking notes for her will capture the doctors response to her prepared questions and his/her advice. The added bonus is the friend can repeat what they heard back to her.

Next, if she hasn't gotten Dr. Susan Love's the Breast Book, buy it for her. I found this to be very helpful.

Remember, arming yourself with knowledge is the best thing one can do to survive breast cancer.

Best of luck to your friend.

Michelle